February 2013 Moms

No kid wedding

DH's cousin is getting married tomorrow. We got her invitation and were all set to go tomorrow. It would be the first time that side of the family has seen the baby so we were pretty excited. I really like this cousin too so it was going to be a good time. 

MIL and FIL went out to dinner with that side of the family tonight. We just got a call from them....

There are no kids allowed at the wedding.......

 

I did not say that anywhere on the invitation, and the RSVP card was just a decline/accept type thing. DH opened the envelope, so I don't know exactly how it was addressed, but I doubt it was clear because we were both shocked by this, as was MIL. She had assumed we were bringing both kids. 

 

I have no problem with child-free weddings. Your wedding, your choice. But I do feel like you need to make that pretty clear up front. I'm just glad I didn't buy a new dress to wear, because it looks like we aren't going now.  





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Re: No kid wedding

  • Wow, that sucks. We had a "no kids under 12" rule at our wedding (mostly because we were already inviting a LOT of people and all their kids would've made it absolutely ginormus) but we included a little note that stated that.
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  • That sucks, but I always assume weddings are no-kid.  You said DH opened the invite, but if it was addressed to just the two of you and not "and family", then it's no kid.  Personally, I think people should definitely be clear and write no children on the invite as well, but The Bump will tell you that is "tacky". ;)   Can you not get a babysitter?  I'd probably just stay home as well.  Bummer.

     

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  • image kleigh926:
    Wow, that sucks. We had a "no kids under 12" rule at our wedding (mostly because we were already inviting a LOT of people and all their kids would've made it absolutely ginormus) but we included a little note that stated that.

     Exactly. And since having kids I've been to at least 2 kid-free weddings and I'm cool with that. It gets expensive! But you need to give adequate notice for me to find a sitter then! I literally found this out about 45 minutes ago and the wedding is at 4pm tomorrow! 





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  • I was sent an invite to a no kids wedding...only I was the no kid!!!! It was my dads cousin getting married... Hugh age gap... And they didn't want my siblings and i to attend, even though we were all over 20, but they still expected us to send gifts. WTF? I was literally told the day before the wedding that i want invited, after i had already taken time off of work, driven over 200 miles, AND bought a 2 night hotel stay. And i rsvped 3 months prior, right when i got the invite, too.

    The marriage didn't even last 12 months...
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  • Yeah, I'd definitely be annoyed. Sorry you're not able to go :(
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    image TamaraR4:
    I was sent an invite to a no kids wedding...only I was the no kid!!!! It was my dads cousin getting married... Hugh age gap... And they didn't want my siblings and i to attend, even though we were all over 20, but they still expected us to send gifts. WTF? I was literally told the day before the wedding that i want invited, after i had already taken time off of work, driven over 200 miles, AND bought a 2 night hotel stay. And i rsvped 3 months prior, right when i got the invite, too.

    The marriage didn't even last 12 months...

    OMG!!! To be sent an invitation only to find out it didn't mean you're invited...only asked to send a gift??!! That is the craziest thing I've ever heard of! So rude! If she didnt want certain people there, that's her choice but certainly don't send an invitation then!! I probably would have sent a choicely worded letter back to her instead of that requested gift..lol!
  • I may be in the minority here but I assume kids are always invited with the parents unless the invitation specifically states otherwise. And I'm talking kids of all ages up to 18 as long as they are living at home. Then they would get their own invitation once they are 18 and out of high school. That sucks that you found out so late!
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  • If the invitation says Mr. & Mrs. only then they are the only ones invited. It's super tacky to write no kids on a formal invitation. Who ever the invitation is addressed to is who is invited.
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  • image Renee1105:
    If the invitation says Mr. amp; Mrs. only then they are the only ones invited. It's super tacky to write no kids on a formal invitation. Who ever the invitation is addressed to is who is invited.

    This. I know you said you didn't open the envelope, but you could have checked the trash. Like a PP said, I would assume kids are never invited. I have never been to a wedding with kids, and maybe 2 weddings that had kids in them during the ceremony but were with a sitter during the reception.
    It is super tacky to point out who cannot come to a party. It is made quote clear end quote by the addressing of the invitation.
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  • I'd say your DH dropped the ball.  The envelope is the universally accepted way to determine who is invited to any occasion including a wedding.  Whack him upside the head with an empty envelope for messing up. 
  • image caladpi02:
    image Renee1105:
    If the invitation says Mr. amp; Mrs. only then they are the only ones invited. It's super tacky to write no kids on a formal invitation. Who ever the invitation is addressed to is who is invited.
    This. I know you said you didn't open the envelope, but you could have checked the trash. Like a PP said, I would assume kids are never invited. I have never been to a wedding with kids, and maybe 2 weddings that had kids in them during the ceremony but were with a sitter during the reception. It is super tacky to point out who cannot come to a party. It is made quote clear end quote by the addressing of the invitation.

    Really?! My wedding had several kids (our best friends' babies, cousins' babies, etc). I know that technically the etiquette rules state whoever is on the envelope is invited (and all ours said Mr. & Mrs. ___ & Family), but this is why people get so annoyed by "proper" etiquette. I've received wedding invitations that state the adults only reception follows, and it has never bothered me, even if it wasn't "proper."

     OP, this situation sucks, it's too bad you won't be able to go. 

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  • image Renee1105:
    If the invitation says Mr. amp; Mrs. only then they are the only ones invited. It's super tacky to write no kids on a formal invitation. Who ever the invitation is addressed to is who is invited.


    This. It is completely inappropriate to indicate that children are not invited. The proper way to send the invitation is to indicate when children are included, not when they are not.
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  • I completely agree with the etiquette here. It is not okay to specifically point out that kids are not invited and you really need to use the envelope as your guide. That said, some people are clueless about the etiquette and have no idea how to appropriately address an envelope so that the people they desire to invite are the ones actually invited...

    As for kids at weddings, I am all for people making their own decision on this and can see both sides of the argument, especially depending on the style of the wedding. That said, I think there should be a universal exception for breastfed babies, especially if the wedding is out of town. It just puts so much on your guests to find an out of town babysitter they trust with a baby and then to deal with pumping at the wedding, etc.

    We are going to a destination wedding in Puerto Rico when DD is 7 months old. My husband and I are in disagreement about whether she is invited to the wedding, but because we are staying at the resort where the wedding is, I think we will just get a babysitter for the actual wedding and have DD with us for some of the other events.

     

  • Well, then I guess we were "super tacky" and "inappropriate" in our invitation. I'd rather include a clear, politely worded note about having no kids, than have people bring their kids and then not have seating or enough food for everyone.
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  • image SunshineMuffin:
    It is completely inappropriate to indicate that children are not invited. The proper way to send the invitation is to indicate when children are included, not when they are not.

     

    image eatdrinkstretch:
    I completely agree with the etiquette here. It is not okay to specifically point out that kids are not invited and you really need to use the envelope as your guide. That said, some people are clueless about the etiquette and have no idea how to appropriately address an envelope so that the people they desire to invite are the ones actually invited... As for kids at weddings, I am all for people making their own decision on this and can see both sides of the argument, especially depending on the style of the wedding. That said, I think there should be a universal exception for breastfed babies, especially if the wedding is out of town. It just puts so much on your guests to find an out of town babysitter they trust with a baby and then to deal with pumping at the wedding, etc. We are going to a destination wedding in Puerto Rico when DD is 7 months old. My husband and I are in disagreement about whether she is invited to the wedding, but because we are staying at the resort where the wedding is, I think we will just get a babysitter for the actual wedding and have DD with us for some of the other events.

    Okay, neither of these statements make any sense to me. If the envelope is the guide, it is explicitly stating that these people are invited and children are not. If people know "proper" etiquette you're specifically pointing out kids aren't invited and just doing this is a less overt way, but you're still doing it. Either way it seems outdated and inoffensive to put "adults only" on something to me.

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  • image kleigh926:
    Well, then I guess we were "super tacky" and "inappropriate" in our invitation. I'd rather include a clear, politely worded note about having no kids, than have people bring their kids and then not have seating or enough food for everyone.

    We were tacky too.  I think ours just said "adults only please" at the bottom.  We aren't a fancy group of people and I doubt a single person we invited would think that because their names weren't listed their child should stay at home.  People around here seem to assume their kids are welcome everywhere.  I love my kids and think they are adorable, but I still think a wedding isn't usually kid friendly - they are usually at bedtime and include a lot of tipsy adults. :)

     

     

     

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  • image Sterling13:

    image SunshineMuffin:
    It is completely inappropriate to indicate that children are not
    invited.
    The proper way to send the invitation is to indicate when
    children are included, not when they are not.

     

    image eatdrinkstretch:
    I completely agree with the etiquette here. It is not okay to specifically point out that kids are not invited and you really need to use the envelope as your guide. That said, some people are clueless about the etiquette and have no idea how to appropriately address an envelope so that the people they desire to invite are the ones actually invited...

    As for kids at weddings, I am all for people making their own decision on this and can see both sides of the argument, especially depending on the style of the wedding. That said, I think there should be a universal exception for breastfed babies, especially if the wedding is out of town. It just puts so much on your guests to find an out of town babysitter they trust with a baby and then to deal with pumping at the wedding, etc.

    We are going to a destination wedding in Puerto Rico when DD is 7 months old. My husband and I are in disagreement about whether she is invited to the wedding, but because we are staying at the resort where the wedding is, I think we will just get a babysitter for the actual wedding and have DD with us for some of the other events.

    Okay, neither of these statements make any sense to me. If the envelope is the guide, it is explicitly stating that these people are invited and children are not. If people know "proper" etiquette you're specifically pointing out kids aren't invited and just doing this is a less overt way, but you're still doing it. Either way it seems outdated and inoffensive to put "adults only" on something to me.



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  • image Sterling13:

    image caladpi02:
    image Renee1105:
    If the invitation says Mr. amp; Mrs. only then they are the only ones invited. It's super tacky to write no kids on a formal invitation. Who ever the invitation is addressed to is who is invited.

    This. I know you said you didn't open the envelope, but you could have checked the trash. Like a PP said, I would assume kids are never invited. I have never been to a wedding with kids, and maybe 2 weddings that had kids in them during the ceremony but were with a sitter during the reception.
    It is super tacky to point out who cannot come to a party. It is made quote clear end quote by the addressing of the invitation.

    Really?! My wedding had several kids (our best friends' babies, cousins' babies, etc). I know that technically the etiquette rules state whoever is on the envelope is invited (and all ours said Mr. & Mrs. ___ & Family), but this is why people get so annoyed by "proper" etiquette. I've received wedding invitations that state the adults only reception follows, and it has never bothered me, even if it wasn't "proper."

     OP, this situation sucks, it's too bad you won't be able to go. 


    It is true and I doubt I will ever attend a wedding with kids where I live due to the HCOL. An average wedding dinner is 100 bucks per person without booze, so even if your caterer offered half off kids meals, that's still 50 a head. Most people I know view weddings as a chance to get away from the kids for the night.
    This might be a UO, but I disagree that BFing babies are ok at weddings. I have been to one wedding this summer with my trusty pump and have two more to go. Maybe it's because most of the weddings I go to are formal seated events, but I would feel totally tacky with a car seat and stroller with me. I cannot imagine it being fun to dance with a baby strapped to me while dancing and I wouldn't think the loud noise would be good for them either.
    For the DW, I would get a sitter for all wedding events. Personally, if I was doing a DW and most people had kids I would have info about kids/families on a wedding website and would reach out to people about what events are kid friendly.
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  • image caladpi02:
    It is true and I doubt I will ever attend a wedding with kids where I live due to the HCOL. An average wedding dinner is 100 bucks per person without booze, so even if your caterer offered half off kids meals, that's still 50 a head. Most people I know view weddings as a chance to get away from the kids for the night. This might be a UO, but I disagree that BFing babies are ok at weddings. I have been to one wedding this summer with my trusty pump and have two more to go. Maybe it's because most of the weddings I go to are formal seated events, but I would feel totally tacky with a car seat and stroller with me. I cannot imagine it being fun to dance with a baby strapped to me while dancing and I wouldn't think the loud noise would be good for them either. For the DW, I would get a sitter for all wedding events. Personally, if I was doing a DW and most people had kids I would have info about kids/families on a wedding website and would reach out to people about what events are kid friendly.

    Where do you go to pump?  We're invited to a wedding that's a couple hours away in a few months, and I'm not even sure if I'll go because I don't want to pump in a public bathroom and have to dump everything, and I'm worried about whether getting my boobs out to pump in my car would get me busted for public nudity if for some reason a cop should catch me. Stick out tongue  I could be wrong, but I don't think the protections against public nudity charges for breastfeeding moms will apply if I'm hooked up to a pump instead of a baby!

    Also, where do you store the milk?  Do you just bring a cooler pack, or do you talk to the staff to see if you can store it in a fridge at the venue?



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  • We recently went to a wedding, dh was a groomsmen, 5 hours away. The invitation was addressed to Mr. And Mrs., no family. So I was just going tostay home with the kids or possibly take the kids and just dh go to the wedding.
    Then I noticed several " improper" things about the invite, so I realized they didn't get the proper etiquette, so dh verified who was invited..... the whole family was.
    So, personally, I go by who it is addressed to, but if you are close, verify.
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  • That stinks that you just found out, but isn't the default for weddings that it's an adult only affair? I've brought my kids to weddings but only when the bride or groom reaches out to specifically request that they come. Even if the invite says "family" I try to leave them behind. The sole exception was bringing A to one a few weeks ago since it meant staying overnight. But I only brought him, not the girls.
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  • image pitterpatter129:

    image kleigh926:
    Well, then I guess we were "super tacky" and "inappropriate" in our invitation. I'd rather include a clear, politely worded note about having no kids, than have people bring their kids and then not have seating or enough food for everyone.

    We were tacky too.  I think ours just said "adults only please" at the bottom.  We aren't a fancy group of people and I doubt a single person we invited would think that because their names weren't listed their child should stay at home.  People around here seem to assume their kids are welcome everywhere.  I love my kids and think they are adorable, but I still think a wedding isn't usually kid friendly - they are usually at bedtime and include a lot of tipsy adults. :)

     

     

    Thank you both for doing this :-) Honestly, where I'm from,etiquette rules are not followed that closely, and I would assume that kids were invited unless there was an explicit (polite, please!) note saying that they weren't. I don't mind if they're not invited, I just need to know and at least for the weddings I go to, you can't go off of who the invitation is addressed to.


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  • Count me in as someone who doesn't know proper etiquette.  I would have assumed it was OK unless it specifically stated otherwise.  Oh well, live and learn.  I would also choose not to go rather than scramble to make arrangments last minute.  If I had chosen to have no children at my wedding I would have made sure everyone with kids knew.  Guess I'm tacky.
  • image Puck1182:
    image caladpi02:
    It is true and I doubt I will ever attend a wedding with kids where I live due to the HCOL. An average wedding dinner is 100 bucks per person without booze, so even if your caterer offered half off kids meals, that's still 50 a head. Most people I know view weddings as a chance to get away from the kids for the night. This might be a UO, but I disagree that BFing babies are ok at weddings. I have been to one wedding this summer with my trusty pump and have two more to go. Maybe it's because most of the weddings I go to are formal seated events, but I would feel totally tacky with a car seat and stroller with me. I cannot imagine it being fun to dance with a baby strapped to me while dancing and I wouldn't think the loud noise would be good for them either. For the DW, I would get a sitter for all wedding events. Personally, if I was doing a DW and most people had kids I would have info about kids/families on a wedding website and would reach out to people about what events are kid friendly.

    Where do you go to pump?  We're invited to a wedding that's a couple hours away in a few months, and I'm not even sure if I'll go because I don't want to pump in a public bathroom and have to dump everything, and I'm worried about whether getting my boobs out to pump in my car would get me busted for public nudity if for some reason a cop should catch me. Stick out tongue  I could be wrong, but I don't think the protections against public nudity charges for breastfeeding moms will apply if I'm hooked up to a pump instead of a baby!

    Also, where do you store the milk?  Do you just bring a cooler pack, or do you talk to the staff to see if you can store it in a fridge at the venue?

    At the last wedding I asked the wedding planner brought me water and a plate of all the passed apps while I pumped. I bring a cooler bag that has; 1. my pump and the charger; 2. a ziploc with an icepack for milk storage; 3.a ziploc for dirty pump parts; 4. a ziploc for pump wipes (so amazing when you cannot wash at a sink); a pumping bra, lids for the pump bottles and six storage bags. I also put my nursing cover in the bag. I just bring the  bag and purse to the ceremony and then as soon as we are in the reception area, I put my bag and purse down at my seat. I bring this bag everywhere with me when we are out for day time parties/places for the weekend.

    The next wedding I am going to may not have a spot to pump, so I am going to tell the valets that our car needs to be easy to get to and pump in the car with the cover on. That was my plan at wedding #1, but the coordinator told me there was a place to pump, as I had asked her about the lack of lighting from the reception area to the parking lot (private estate wedding). 

    I find it hard to believe a cop would arrest you-but just wear a cover!  Here is the cooler bag I have, it was a gift, and it is probably too big, but it was free.

    http://www.tossdesigns.com/east-hampton-big-chill-cooler-in-pink-green

    I also have this one in a different print and it works great as well:

    http://www.tossdesigns.com/east-hampton-insulated-fresh-market-tote-in-pink-green

    HTH. 

    All the stories my friends and my husband's friends wives tell me about BFing and weddings is about having to pump in crazy places, never about having the kid with them. It is doable.

     

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  • To clear things up on the etiquette issue: 

    I am aware that the envelope is the indicator, but since DH opened it, I have no idea what it said and he doesn't remember (he opened it at work, so no digging through the trash). However, I would much rather the invite say that kids aren't allowed than have a situation like this where I now cannot attend at all (or, heaven forbid, I had shown up with my children!!!!)

     I got some more info from MIL today, and apparently my children were the only ones not invited, because they would be 2nd cousins of the bride. First Cousins were considered fine, so it isn't really a no kid wedding, just a no to my kids...  





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  • image penguingrrl:
    That stinks that you just found out, but isn't the default for weddings that it's an adult only affair? I've brought my kids to weddings but only when the bride or groom reaches out to specifically request that they come. Even if the invite says "family" I try to leave them behind. The sole exception was bringing A to one a few weeks ago since it meant staying overnight. But I only brought him, not the girls.

     

    It doesn't seem that way to me.... I'm not sure if it's a midwestern thing, or just the family I'm a part of. I've only been to two child-free weddings. Everyone I know has big families. My wedding even had a separate kids area and cheaper "kids" meals. I'm sure that isn't the norm in some areas due to cost, but around here it's pretty common.  





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  • image verovladamir:

     I got some more info from MIL today, and apparently my children were the only ones not invited, because they would be 2nd cousins of the bride. First Cousins were considered fine, so it isn't really a no kid wedding, just a no to my kids...  

    Wow!  That's pretty tacky right there!  It should be an all or none policy I think. 

     

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  • image pitterpatter129:
    image verovladamir:

     I got some more info from MIL today, and apparently my children were the only ones not invited, because they would be 2nd cousins of the bride. First Cousins were considered fine, so it isn't really a no kid wedding, just a no to my kids...  

    Wow!  That's pretty tacky right there!  It should be an all or none policy I think. 

    Agreed. That's pretty dang rude. 

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  • image verovladamir:

    image penguingrrl:
    That stinks that you just found out, but isn't the default for weddings that it's an adult only affair? I've brought my kids to weddings but only when the bride or groom reaches out to specifically request that they come. Even if the invite says "family" I try to leave them behind. The sole exception was bringing A to one a few weeks ago since it meant staying overnight. But I only brought him, not the girls.

     

    It doesn't seem that way to me.... I'm not sure if it's a midwestern thing, or just the family I'm a part of. I've only been to two child-free weddings. Everyone I know has big families. My wedding even had a separate kids area and cheaper "kids" meals. I'm sure that isn't the norm in some areas due to cost, but around here it's pretty common.  

    My family has mostly been split 50/50 but among friends weddings I can't think of a single one that has had children there. Places here often do charge a bit less for kids (for my wedding under 12 had a kids menu and 12-21 was adult dinner minus alcohol costs) but it's still expensive and they still take a seat. Not an issue for 1-2 kids but with big families it can get out of control.

    And cutting it off at the generation line (1st cousins versus 2nd) makes sense to me if you need to keep numbers and/or cost down. We just went to a wedding with that exact distinction and I totally understood. The room had a very strict 150 person limit and adding the bride's cousins kids would have added 30+ people (no joke, 17 on her father's side plus at least that many on her mother's side) and meant cutting that many friends because they were at capacity. So she had the three kids she nannies for (and is therefore very close to) and her husband's first cousins, some of whom are young children, in addition to her own nieces and nephews. I knew it wasn't personal that my 3 weren't invited but rather a cost/space issue because of the number of people adding my 3 would have meant.

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  • image caladpi02:
    image Puck1182:
    image caladpi02:
    It is true and I doubt I will ever attend a wedding with kids where I live due to the HCOL. An average wedding dinner is 100 bucks per person without booze, so even if your caterer offered half off kids meals, that's still 50 a head. Most people I know view weddings as a chance to get away from the kids for the night. This might be a UO, but I disagree that BFing babies are ok at weddings. I have been to one wedding this summer with my trusty pump and have two more to go. Maybe it's because most of the weddings I go to are formal seated events, but I would feel totally tacky with a car seat and stroller with me. I cannot imagine it being fun to dance with a baby strapped to me while dancing and I wouldn't think the loud noise would be good for them either. For the DW, I would get a sitter for all wedding events. Personally, if I was doing a DW and most people had kids I would have info about kids/families on a wedding website and would reach out to people about what events are kid friendly.

    Where do you go to pump?  We're invited to a wedding that's a couple hours away in a few months, and I'm not even sure if I'll go because I don't want to pump in a public bathroom and have to dump everything, and I'm worried about whether getting my boobs out to pump in my car would get me busted for public nudity if for some reason a cop should catch me. Stick out tongue  I could be wrong, but I don't think the protections against public nudity charges for breastfeeding moms will apply if I'm hooked up to a pump instead of a baby!

    Also, where do you store the milk?  Do you just bring a cooler pack, or do you talk to the staff to see if you can store it in a fridge at the venue?

    At the last wedding I asked the wedding planner brought me water and a plate of all the passed apps while I pumped. I bring a cooler bag that has; 1. my pump and the charger; 2. a ziploc with an icepack for milk storage; 3.a ziploc for dirty pump parts; 4. a ziploc for pump wipes (so amazing when you cannot wash at a sink); a pumping bra, lids for the pump bottles and six storage bags. I also put my nursing cover in the bag. I just bring the  bag and purse to the ceremony and then as soon as we are in the reception area, I put my bag and purse down at my seat. I bring this bag everywhere with me when we are out for day time parties/places for the weekend.

    The next wedding I am going to may not have a spot to pump, so I am going to tell the valets that our car needs to be easy to get to and pump in the car with the cover on. That was my plan at wedding #1, but the coordinator told me there was a place to pump, as I had asked her about the lack of lighting from the reception area to the parking lot (private estate wedding). 

    I find it hard to believe a cop would arrest you-but just wear a cover!  Here is the cooler bag I have, it was a gift, and it is probably too big, but it was free.

    http://www.tossdesigns.com/east-hampton-big-chill-cooler-in-pink-green

    I also have this one in a different print and it works great as well:

    http://www.tossdesigns.com/east-hampton-insulated-fresh-market-tote-in-pink-green

    HTH. 

    All the stories my friends and my husband's friends wives tell me about BFing and weddings is about having to pump in crazy places, never about having the kid with them. It is doable.

     

    Thanks for the tips!  I'm still not 100% sure whether we're going regardless of the pumping situation or whether we'd be allowed to bring DD, because it's not someone we're super close to anymore and I don't know if we'll know anyone else there.  I'll probably leave that up to DH since the groom was his roommate for a semester back in college.  I'm actually kind of surprised we're invited, since we'd kind of lost touch for awhile... I feel like it might mostly be because he was invited to ours (but that was less than a year after college, so we were closer to him then).  But either way, it's nice to know that pumping at a wedding isn't that much of a hassle! Smile



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