Stay at Home Moms

Would you stay or would you go?

My BFF and her husband are having serious troubles.  Like, on the verge of the big D troubles.  He's cheating...plain and simple.  And I think she would leave outright, but she's been dealing with infertility for years.  Went through 2 unsuccessful IVF's and was about to try again before this came up.  I think she wants to stay with him just so she can have a baby (which isn't guarenteed b/c they've been having a lot of trouble with that unfortunately)  Plus they are both mid to late 30's so age isn't on their side.  

It got me thinking...would you stay with DH if he was cheating just for another chace to have the baby you so desperately want?  Or would you be out of there in a New York minute? 



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Re: Would you stay or would you go?

  • I think I'm unlike most women. I would stay. I know the toll IF can take on a marriage. You just lose your sex drive. It's no longer intimate, it's clinical. If he was just having sex with someone, I could understand. I would be hurt, but I think I'd get it. If he was in love with this person, I couldn't do it.

     If they talk openly about this then they might realize they both want the baby but not each other and they can make it work if they really really wanted to.


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  • CnAmomCnAmom
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    I would be gone. I could see it being a possibility if they went to counseling and were in a better place, but bringing a baby into a dysfunctional marriage just for the sake of having a baby is never a good idea.
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  • image CnAmom:
    I would be gone. I could see it being a possibility if they went to counseling and were in a better place, but bringing a baby into a dysfunctional marriage just for the sake of having a baby is never a good idea.


    Agree
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  • I would stay. But cheating isn't a deal breaker for me like it is for some people. Early fffc? I think sex can just be sex. There are a lot of things that go into a marriage, I wouldn't throw them all away just because of cheating.
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  • I can't imagine having a baby with someone who was cheating. Why would you bring an innocent baby into a mess like that? I'd be out. I think I deserve better, and do does the baby.
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  • image I Heart The 80s:
    I can't imagine having a baby with someone who was cheating. Why would you bring an innocent baby into a mess like that? I'd be out. I think I deserve better, and do does the baby.

    This. Even if it was just sex, I wouldn't be able to trust him again, and I would not purposefully have a baby with a man I couldn't trust. Cheating is a huge deal breaker for me though, and I'd be out as soon as I could pack our things. 

    That being said, I haven't struggled with fertility issues, and I can understand that it could make a difference for those who had. 

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  • I can't imagine bringing a baby into that situation. No thank you.
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  • image I Heart The 80s:
    I can't imagine having a baby with someone who was cheating. Why would you bring an innocent baby into a mess like that? I'd be out. I think I deserve better, and do does the baby.

    This.  There is no way I would want my kids to be raised in an unhappy household and I know there is no way that I would ever be able to forgive and move on from an affair.  If she does stay strongly suggest counseling so hopefully they can sort out the mess before the baby arrives.  

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  • It's a tough one. Marriages can be ended, but if that was my only shoot at motherhood...well, I might stay and hope for the best in terms of working out our issues. And if they couldn't be resolved, but I could still provide a loving and stable home for my child, well, so be it. I don't know for sure that's what I'd do, but I know I'd consider it.

  • image Hav=Fath:

    image Minipenguin:
    I would stay. But cheating isn't a deal breaker for me like it is for some people. Early fffc? I think sex can just be sex. There are a lot of things that go into a marriage, I wouldn't throw them all away just because of cheating.

    If you want to have an open relationship and agree with that with your SO, that's your business, but most people are NOT okay with their spouse sleeping with someone else, to most people sex in not just sex when it's with someone else. 

    I just said what I would do. I wouldn't see it as this huge violation of my trust. If he were having a secret relationship, that would be a problem, but having sex? Not so much. I know I could get passed it. Especially if I thought it were my only shot at motherhood. We don't have an "open relationship" and I didn't say OP's friend should stay. But I understand why she would.
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  • I've never dealt with IF, so if I did maybe my opinion would be different, but if you didn't have kids and he was cheating, I'd leave.  They *might* be able to work things out, but chances of things not working out are higher now, and I wouldn't try to have a kid with someone with that high a chance of splitting in the future.

    My opinion (maybe unpopular) would be different if they already had kids.  Cheating wouldn't be an immediate reason to leave when kids are already in the picture...I think most cases warrant at least an attempt to work things out.

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    He would be thrown out before he even knew what hit him. It would break all trust and there's no rebuilding that. Maybe they could patch it up, but it's like breaking a glass vase - yeah, you might be able to put it back together, but it will never be the same or function the way it should. 
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  • I think if they both decided they wanted kid(s), then they could make a go of this, together or not. Having divorced parents who are actively cooperating to raise a baby isn't the worst out come of this type scenario.

     


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  • Uhm no...I would leave. I grew up with two parents who cheated on each other and stayed married "for me". It was horrible, I never got it. They were unhappy, they fight 24/7, it was horrible for all parties. I promised myself I would never do that to myself or my kids.

    If I wanted a baby I could get one without my cheating husband, that is what sperm donors are for and I would have n problem doing that or adopting if possible instead of being in a non trusting relationship. I would rather just raise my kid on my own then my kids grow up thinking lying, cheating, and being disrespected is ok. I would not subject myself to a cheating husband and I would not subject my kids to a sad mom who has no self worth. 

    Edit to add that I know getting a sperm donor and adopting are expensive options and so they may not be possible for her. Easier said then done type of thing. I feel bad for her having to make this decision. :( But cheating is an issue with me just because I saw what it can do to a marriage. 
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  • image nekorayne:
    Uhm no...I would leave. I grew up with two parents who cheated on each other and stayed married "for me". It was horrible, I never got it. They were unhappy, they fight 24/7, it was horrible for all parties. I promised myself I would never do that to myself or my kids.

    If I wanted a baby I could get one without my cheating husband, that is what sperm donors are for and I would have n problem doing that or adopting if possible instead of being in a non trusting relationship. I would rather just raise my kid on my own then my kids grow up thinking lying, cheating, and being disrespected is ok. I would not subject myself to a cheating husband and I would not subject my kids to a sad mom who has no self worth. 

    Edit to add that I know getting a sperm donor and adopting are expensive options and so they may not be possible for her. Easier said then done type of thing. I feel bad for her having to make this decision. :( But cheating is an issue with me just because I saw what it can do to a marriage. 

    My parents were the exact same way. I was actually happy when they got a divorce.

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  • Lurker here but I would be out in a heartbeat.  If he can be that disrespectful to me, he could do the same to our kids.  There is no way I would bring a baby into a mess like that.  He wouldn't deserve the chance to have children with me.

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  • image Minipenguin:
    I would stay. But cheating isn't a deal breaker for me like it is for some people. Early fffc? I think sex can just be sex. There are a lot of things that go into a marriage, I wouldn't throw them all away just because of cheating.

    I respect that everyone is different and has different values in a relationship.  But what if that "just sex" with someone else resulted in a pregnancy or STD?  Or it blossomed into something more than just sex?  

     


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  • I would not stay with any man who cheated on me. I would not have a child with a man who cheated on me either. I know the stress that infertility puts on a marriage and that's not excuse to cheat.

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  • image Minipenguin:
    I would stay. But cheating isn't a deal breaker for me like it is for some people. Early fffc? I think sex can just be sex. There are a lot of things that go into a marriage, I wouldn't throw them all away just because of cheating.

    You don't see being lied to and cheated on as disrespectful? Sex is sex, but it's the lying and disrespect that comes along with the just sex that makes it a deal breaker for me. I promise a man who cheats on you does not respect you and your marriage. 


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  • I'm terrified of the idea of being a single parent, so there's no way I'd want to bring a child into a marriage that wasn't stable.  
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  • jjt616jjt616
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    image I Heart The 80s:
    I can't imagine having a baby with someone who was cheating. Why would you bring an innocent baby into a mess like that? I'd be out. I think I deserve better, and do does the baby.


    Absolutely!!!
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  • image Darbie914:
    Lurker here but I would be out in a heartbeat.  If he can be that disrespectful to me, he could do the same to our kids.  There is no way I would bring a baby into a mess like that.  He wouldn't deserve the chance to have children with me.
    I agree. 
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  • Nope, I would try sperm donors or adoption. Especially if he did it more than once or it was a relationship on the side. That is something I can't get passed. A one night mistake I'm really not sure but probably not. I would not be trying anymore with him that is FOR sure, not with those issues.
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  • I don't know that I would leave but I would definitely stop trying to conceive. I'm not okay with cheating but I would hope through counseling and honest communication things could be worked out. I would never, ever, ever want to put a child in the middle of that though.

    Also, I think that if she really wanted to be a mom there are other ways. Adoption, sperm donation, finding someone else...I've never been there but I just can't imagine purposely  bringing an innocent life into a toxic relationship.


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  • *I haven't read all of the replies

    I wouldn't leave for cheating once (I don't mean just sex once, I mean a relationship once).  I wouldn't stay just for the sake of having a baby though, you stay if you love one another and WANT TO WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE.  Once the marriage is fixed, THEN you go back to trying for a baby.  


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  • image CnAmom:
    I would be gone. I could see it being a possibility if they went to counseling and were in a better place, but bringing a baby into a dysfunctional marriage just for the sake of having a baby is never a good idea.

    Agree, I'd leave and if I really wanted a baby at that point I would consider adoption or IVF with an anonymus donor

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  • It's hard to say what I would do not being the one in this situation, but I *think* I would be willing to take a step back, evaluate things, and possibly try to save the marriage.  I would hope I would have enough sense in my head not to bring a baby into the equation without at least working on things first.  I think it's obvious that's a recipe for disaster.  Babies add stress.  That doesn't exactly help things with an already struggling marriage.  And it's obviously not fair to the baby.

    I can see why it would be hard though.  Throwing IF, age, etc. into the mix when it's hard enough to walk away from a marriage.  I'm sure it's tough to know how to proceed. 

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  • I would only stay if I was okay with being a single parent.
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  • image penguingrrl:
    I would only stay if I was okay with being a single parent.


    This. And I would have to be OK with this guy being the father of my kid and being in their life.
  • image I Heart The 80s:
    I can't imagine having a baby with someone who was cheating. Why would you bring an innocent baby into a mess like that? I'd be out. I think I deserve better, and do does the baby.

    This. I cannot imagine the relationship I would have after finding that out. I'm sure it wouldn't be healthy for raising a baby though.
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