Working Moms

NWMR: Shady or NBD?

We visited a very close friend of mine on Saturday. Her kids and DS1 are all about the same age and DH and her H get along okay too.

At one point, the kids were outside with both of our husbands while i was inside with my friend and DS2. While DH was sitting with her H watching the kids play, DH told me he noticed her H texting a lot, but, every time he texted he would delete the text msg. DH noticed that he had other text msg's saved on his iPhone, so it's not like he deletes all his text msg's, just the ones from this person he was texting.

I think it's shady and want to mention it to my friend. DH told me to stay out of it.

What say you?
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Re: NWMR: Shady or NBD?

  • Oy.  Yes, it's shady, but unfortunately I think you'd be the one losing out by saying anything.  Meaning - there is no proof.  Right?  It would be a "your DH/ her DH" said thing.  What do you think is going to happen?  YOU (the messenger) would end up being the bad guy here. 

    But you also call her a "very close friend".  In the end, you have a much better sense of how she'd take this information. 

    If you REALLY do believe her DH is cheating, can you/ your DH continue to hang out w/ them like nothing is wrong, knowing that you and DH suspect but that she (maybe) is cluelss?  (I say "maybe" because maybe she does suspect but is keeping it to herself).

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  • It's super shady.
    But of all the times I've known that someone mentioned similar shadiness to another friend , I can't think of one time the friendship survived. So I'd keep my mouth shut but eyes open.
    If I learned facts that proved the H was cheating though, I'd say something at that point
  • LoCarbLoCarb
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    It's super shady. But of all the times I've known that someone mentioned similar shadiness to another friend , I can't think of one time the friendship survived. So I'd keep my mouth shut but eyes open. If I learned facts that proved the H was cheating though, I'd say something at that point

    Definitely Shady!  I agree w/ PW.

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  • She is a very close friend of mine. I would probably even call her one of my best friends. We have only known each other for 6 years, but we are really close and share a lot of info with each other.

    I think if I mentioned something she would probably get super embarrassed and get defensive immediately. But I think she would keep her eyes open then.

    He doesn't work, he is in school full time so he comes and goes. This kids go to daycare as well. So he has a lot of "flexibility" in his day, know what I mean? Plus, a few weeks ago over lunch just the two of us, she mentioned to me how her H has been complaining about not having enough sex. I did not tell my DH this.

    Thankfully she controls every little aspect of their finances. So I feel like if anything might be going on, she might catch him that way.

    I won't mention anything. But I will definitely be keeping my eyes open.
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  • Super shady... and yet weird that he would be doing it blatantly in front of DH.  Possible there's an alternative explanation.  I would keep an eye out, though, and if you see something more obvious I would try to broach the subject somehow with your friend.
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  • From my experience, do not say anything. Regardless if something is or isn't going on your friend will no longer feel comfortable around you if you hint that there could be an issue in her relationship.  About 8 years ago I found out my best friend's fiance was cheating on him. I thought the right thing to do was to tell him. Nope!  They actually worked it out and got married, but I think the person who decides to stay feels judged.  He cut me off and I think it was pride or embarrassment for having stayed. So if something is going on in their relationship, let your friend come to you.  Don't go to her.  No one wants their relationship to be judged by a friend and it can be really damaging.  Also, you don't know his past or the dynamics of their relationship. He may have been in a past relationship where he had to hide things and now it's habit.  Or your friend could be a controller who has to go through his personal effects constantly and he just wants some privacy to tell jokes with a friend.  You just don't know.
  • ccamccam
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    Definitely shady, but I'd stay out of it. 

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  • I would stay out of it.....maybe he's planning to buy her an anniversary gift and doesn't want her to find out.  Or maybe his friends tell really raunchy jokes and send nasty pictures.  I've asked my DH to delete those messages from his phone as they come in, since one time DD saw something she shouldn't have while watching a video.



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  • I guess shady, but I'm stuck on the part of how rude it is for the dude to continuously text while he's supposed to be hanging with YH.
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  • Stay out of it. Yes, it is shady. However, you don't have all the facts.

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  • Another vote for "shady but mind your own" here.
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  • image mainerocks:
    I guess shady, but I'm stuck on the part of how rude it is for the dude to continuously text while he's supposed to be hanging with YH.

    Yeah, that too.  It drives me nuts when people are constantly texting as if you're not there.  I get the occasional text, but to be on your phone non-stop, it's rude.



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  • Super shady, but you really don't know what it was and don't have any proof so you can't say anything without coming across as a trouble maker. 
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  • image mainerocks:
    I guess shady, but I'm stuck on the part of how rude it is for the dude to continuously text while he's supposed to be hanging with YH.

    I was thinking this too.  But you say she takes care of all of their finances, so she would be able to see the number he's texts with on the cell phone bill.

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