Ugh DH

So I am scheduled for a repeat csection on Monday July 8th and DHs cousin is having her high school graduation the following Saturday, the 13th. I told his aunt that we would have to see if we'll be able to make it depending on how I feel. DH told her that we definitely would be there because all I have to do is sit in a chair. I don't think he realizes that I am having major surgery and will only be 6 days post op. Seriously it should be my decision if we go or not. He also told one of his friends that we would come visit (2 hour drive) while he is off. He is taking two weeks off after baby gets here. Again shouldn't this be my decision? And why can't people come to visit us? 

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Re: Ugh DH

  • I would not want to go to anything like that 6 days post op. I'm still on pain meds at that point and being social and friendly is not high on my priority list. I might send DH alone for the day and stay home and rest. Good luck!
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  • Let's be kind; perhaps this is DH's way of telling himself that everything will be fine, and he doesn't have to worry. Sometimes they confuse our pragmatic view of what is going to happen as being pessimistic. Also; they tend to not like to worry. 

    If you have a second, chat to DH and ask him not to make any plans for you in the first couple of weeks following delivery, but he is certainly welcome to make plans on his own. Most babies shouldn't be out and about that early; I think the standard wait is what, 2 weeks depending upon vaccinations?? You should certainly not be planning on going anywhere that is 2 hours away. He is probably just excited. I am sure you can think of a gentle way to remind him what is actually going on, and reign him in.Presumably he is taking 2 weeks off to be with you and your child, not just to have vacation. Maybe a kind reminder in that vein is also in order. If gentle doesn't work, try the tactful "you can go" route. Past that, I suggest moving onto the "have you lost your ever-loving-mind?" series of questioning.

    And a sidenote: You don't really want to bring up the idea that people could be visiting you. You don't want to get stuck entertaining 6 days post op. either. Let them visit you after a few weeks, and then offer to reciprocate when you are ready.

      Best of luck, friend!

  • EmR22EmR22
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    I was in no shape to be at a party 6 days post c section. It would be my nightmare. You will barely be out of the hospital and even if you are having minimal pain, you may be bleeding and be uncomfortable with big pads, your milk may have just barely come in and your boobs hurt. You could be having moods swings.

    And the emotions of trying to find something to wear, get pretty etc. right after would be too much. And then add in the fact that you will most likely still be trying to figure out your babies clues and keep them happy and do you want to do that in front of 50 people? 

    I think you should talk to your DH and say something along the lines of "I love that you think I will be such a rock star at this and be ready to be out and about but I am not comfortable so soon after surgery and having a new baby to do that".  

  • Ditto PPs!  I could barely get dressed at that point.

    DH kept planning all this extra work stuff for the week of my scheduled c/s.  I had to remind him what day the baby was coming, how long we'd be in the hospital, what day he would need to drive me home, etc.  Once the baby actually arrived, he got it together, thank goodness!

    DS born 8/8/09 and DD born 6/12/12.
  • I think you got some great advice from the PPs. I would definitely talk to him about this, because you don't know how you're going to feel- it is major abdominal surgery. I don't think a lot of people truly get that. I would not have been up to a wedding 6 days post-section. No way, no how. I still had trouble getting up/down, and sitting in the car was uncomfortable. I also got an injection PP around my incision, and was feverish and completely out of it that first week on top of all the regular discomfort. I would not make any solid plans for the first two weeks. Hopefully he comes to understand that. If not, you'll have to put your foot down.
    ***siggy warning***
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  • I'm just curious...was he planning on not only dragging you out less than a week after major surgery but also your newborn? Is he crazy? LOL
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  • Your DH doesn't seem to understand what goes on after a c/s. Even "just sitting in a chair" can be painful. I would never ever take my baby out to a large graduation/party that young or travel 2 hours. My pedi would strongly advise against it anyway. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that this is his first and he has rose-colored glasses, but you need to nip that in the bud pretty quickly and tell him to kindly stop making plans for and without you. C/s are common but are major abdominal surgery. I was a WRECK 6 days pp. You're in the hospital for at least 3 and the next week at least was just survival mode. You're stilll bleeding, in pain, possibly leaky boobs, etc. It's not stuff going wrong or being pessimistic, it's just having a baby.
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  • oh wait, I just saw you already have one. Either he's forgotten what it was like or is being a jerk. He should know better. 
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  • image Teacher Clark:
    Also, I would not suggest he can go without you. You will need him at home helping you, not out and about relaxing and socializing while you recover from major surgery, on very little sleep, while tending to a newborn. Perhaps he doesn't realize how much work babies are?

    He knows how much work a newborn is, we have a 2 1/2 year old DD. And I actually wouldn't mind if he and DD went to the party without me. I can handle the baby on my own, that's no problem. My recovery was great with DD but I don't think he remembers that it was December when we had her and didn't go out much. Our first outing was to Target right after leaving the hospital because we needed a bassinet. Then we went to visit family (that live very close) for Christmas about two weeks later, but that's about it. 

    I did talk to him and tell him that we will see if I'm up to going anywhere. And how well baby is adjusted. 

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  • He sounds pretty clueless! I would just refuse to go to either, and send your older kid with him when he goes to visit your friends.
    DS1 - Feb 2008

    DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)

  • AiylinAiylin
    250 Answers 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary

    I'm praying that somewhere between labor, surgery, and the car ride home reality will set in. Let him think everything will be easy peasy.

     Have you tried to ease him into the idea of what major surgery may feel/look like?

    I suggest you sit him down to watch videos. I did with my DH and while he's still clueless in many areas, I think he agonizes over what the surgery may feel like.


  • I'm 2.5 weeks postpartum with a repeat c-section.  Forget about my own recovery(since apparently that's hard for your DH to grasp), my DH was super exhausted and in no mood to go socialize.  We didn't even get home from the hospital until day 4, and there was no way we were going anywhere 2 days afterwards.  Plus, this will not be like your first c-section because you have a kid to take care of, too!  DH took 2 weeks off work, too, and he took over handling DD, plus cooking, grocery shopping, house stuff, AND helped me out at night.  
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