One & Done: Only child

OAD had a surprise +

Just spent an hour or so perusing the boards for the best place to post. I suspect this might have the most understanding group for the situation. DD is 4.5. We knew from shortly after she was born (maybe before?) that we were going to be a family of 3. It was a no brainer for us -- felt fulfilled, worked well with our wanting to move and travel abroad extensively, comfortable for our house size and income and neither of us just ever had that longing desire for a big family or multiple kids. Well I got a BFP this week and can't help being extremely disappointed... in the situation, in myself, etc. We aren't in a position we can't afford a baby and there is no reason we shouldn't have one, I just really, really didn't expect or plan for this. I can't help being angry with myself for letting this happen and, while I haven't voiced my thoughts to DH I've even considered alternatives to keeping the baby. Yes I know how babies are made, and yes some extra careful planning could have prevented this -- no lectures on family planning please. I just feel like no middle class 30-something couple ever has considered giving a baby up for adoption just because it wasn't in their plans. I know in time I will love the baby and that this isn't the end of the world, but it does change everything about our future. To make matters worse my BFF has been having trouble getting PG for a while now and I feel like the biggest jerk in the world for being upset about a baby when her whole world has revolved around trying to have one for such a long time. 

As a OAD, what would you do if you had a surprise pregnancy? Are there alternatives or is it a ridiculous thought when there are no extreme circumstances which prevent us from giving this baby a loving and happy home? The feelings are new and raw right now so don't be too hard on me please! Really just needed to get out how crummy I'm feeling about this. 

Re: OAD had a surprise +

  • I would be devastated. How I personally would respond? I would go ahead and just silver-line the crap out of that situation, even if I was lying to myself. 

    I think it boils down to how comfortable you are with your options. Consider each one for a couple days and set it in your mind that's what you are going to do. See how they each feel when you live with them. 

    I dont think it should matter that you got pregnant by accident when your friend is struggling. Your struggle with another child is not less important than her struggle, albeit totally different. 

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  • First I would cry for a week, and then I would probably eat a gallon of ice cream. And then I would sit down with my DH and try to figure out our lives.
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  • image thatoneredhead:
    I would be devastated.nbsp;How I personally would respond? I would go ahead and just silverline the crap out of that situation, even if I was lying to myself.nbsp;I think it boils down to how comfortable you are with your options. Consider each one for a couple days and set it in your mind that's what you are going to do. See how they each feel when you live with them.nbsp;I dont think it should matter that you got pregnant by accident when your friend is struggling. Your struggle with another child is not less important than her struggle, albeit totally different.nbsp;


    I can't begin to express how much I appreciate hearing this from another mom. Very few people know at this point but those who do, knew we were done and I get the standard "you'll love this baby just as much as the last" "it will work out, it's not as if you're not in a position to care for another kid" yada yada. I know all of these things are true but devistated pretty much sums up perfectly how I feel. I've been an emotional ball of waterworks since I found out an then the mom guilt of "this isn't how I'm supposed to feel" kicks in. Helps to hear I'm not a loon for feeling this way. Thanks for your comments
  • I'm sorry your going through this. This is my fear right now as I can't be on hormone based birth control and I am allergic to condoms. 

    Give yourself some time first of all. How does your husband feel?

    I know that if this were me I would probably consider adoption in the beginning but as the time got closer that whole maternal thing would kick in and I would become attached even though its not in the "plan". Also I remember the first couple weeks of pregnancy being a emotional basket case so you might feel better after this time has passed.

    Good luck! 


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  • image Divallyn:
    I'm sorry your going through this. This is my fear right now as I can't be on hormone based birth control and I am allergic to condoms.nbsp;Give yourself some time first of all. How does your husband feel? I know that if this were me I would probably consider adoption in the beginning but as the time got closer that whole maternal thing would kick in and I would become attached even though its not in the "plan". Also I remember the first couple weeks of pregnancy being a emotional basket case so you might feel better after this time has passed.Good luck!nbsp;

    Husband is taking it fine. He was surprised but his biggest disappointment he's expressed at this point is having to give up my ticket to the local craft brew fest this summer lol. He's a SAHD and enjoys it and doesn't seem too concerned at adding another even though it wasn't something he was necessarily longing for. He's very much a go with the flow kind of person. I'm the planner. Even though we were on the same page about kids I don't think he sees it as a setback like I do
  • blue33blue33
    250 Answers 500 Comments Third Anniversary 5 Love Its
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    WOW! Yes, I would be beyond devastated. DH is getting a vasectomy. So, we are not playing around. I really don't know what to say, except HUGS. I would be depressed, and I probably would not tell anyone that I was pregnant.  I know I couldn't keep the secret too long, because with DS, my stomach popped out like a melon around 4 months, but becoming ok with it first is best. People can say the most unthoughtful things, so be prepared to hear the "oh it will be wonderful speech or It is best to have more than one child anyway". It's okay to mourn the idea of being one and done, and it is okay to be disappointed. The key is to move past those feelings and enjoy your family. My thoughts are with you!
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  • I admit I would be completely devastated. When something "isn't in the cards" like that, I don't think it's an abnormal feeling - not when you planned for one child. That's a big deal.

    Honestly? I would go the adoption route if that ever happened to ME. I do NOT want to be a mother of 2- end of story. There would be no "it will work out!" or "things will be fiiiine" for me... I just don't want that for our lives. I know in my heart adoption would still be a rough road... even if I don't "want" something, I'm not mean-hearted.  I would still love the baby, it would still be "mine".   I also know I would want to give it to a family who wanted one more than we do, and I would do that without a doubt.   Abortion isn't for me (though I'm not opposed when someone else makes the choice), but I surely wouldn't add to our family.

    I am so sorry you're going through this *hugs*

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  • Yeah, I'd freak out. We're barely affording this one. It's not a private schools and international travel issue. We probably can't even send him to basic preschool.

    Making it worse, I can't imagine our families 'letting' us consider adoption. That's where the most stress would come from. No idea how it would get resolved.

    Oh and I was on bed rest with the last one, so yeah. Wouldn't be joyful.

    You're not being unreasonable in being upset. But it is a positive that your DH is taking it in stride. It sounds like your life has some flexibility.

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  • Yikes! I would be horrified.

    I would at least consider an abortion. I can't say for sure because I have not been in that situation, but I lean towards terminating immediately and moving on with my life.

    That's for ME. I'm not suggesting that you have to make that choice, but it is a viable solution for someone in your situation.
  • salt78salt78
    10000 Comments 250 Answers Fifth Anniversary Combo Breaker
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    image thatoneredhead:
    I think it boils down to how comfortable you are with your options. Consider each one for a couple days and set it in your mind that's what you are going to do. See how they each feel when you live with them.

    I think this is excellent advice. 

    As to how I would personally feel about a surprise BFP, I would be completely devastated and I feel much the same way about it as Chapter does. It's not something that we want for our lives. I would be looking into other options.

    I'm sorry that you are going through this and I wish you the best of luck in whatever decision you make. 

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  • If I was in the situation I would be upset and scared as well. It's hard when the plan you had for your life doesn't work out in the way you wanted. For me, I don't think that I could go through the whole pregnancy and choose adoption. I certainly wouldn't judge someone if they did though! You have to do what is best for you and there are wonderful homes out there if you choose adoption. Best of luck to you!!
  • Oh no! I'm so sorry for you. This is an awful thing to go through when it is not in your plan. I agree with PP to take some time to think about what you would do in each scenario. My reasons for being OAD are similar to yours: private school, international travel and college among other things. We also live in a major city and I love that. I think if I got a surprise positive I would have the baby and we'd move to the suburbs (public school, cheaper housing, long commutes for parents), but any surprises after that and I'd have an abortion. We just really wouldn't be able to afford it -- not just from a financial resources perspective but also from an emotional resources perspective.
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  • image MonkeySender:
    First I would cry for a week, and then I would probably eat a gallon of ice cream. And then I would sit down with my DH and try to figure out our lives.

    This too. Also, probably a trip or two to see my therapist.

    Please remember that it's not your fault that your friend has infertility issues. Don't beat yourself up over that. You were not trying to get pregnant, and she will understand that. My best friend is really struggling trying TTGP, and if I found out I was pregnant today, I know I would feel the same way you do. Just be gentle telling her, and try not to complain in front of her.

    I wish you all the best! 

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  • DochasDochas
    Tenth Anniversary 250 Answers 2500 Comments 100 Love Its
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    There is some great advice here.  Please don't feel bad for being upset about it either.  I miscalculated or wrote down the wrong date for my period a little while back and thought that I had missed one.  I'm never late and my heart just about stopped.  It felt like our lives were ruined.  So I don't think it's an uncommon reaction.
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  • image Dochas:
    There is some great advice here.  Please don't feel bad for being upset about it either.  I miscalculated or wrote down the wrong date for my period a little while back and thought that I had missed one.  I'm never late and my heart just about stopped.  It felt like our lives were ruined.  So I don't think it's an uncommon reaction.

    What she said! I can't afford another and I would be in a bind if I got pregnant right now, however I'd just go with it. I would be heartbroken because of nerves. I have birth defects and my daughter is perfect..would this baby have birth defects, would this baby end up having birth defects related to me being diabetic. I would never be able to give a child up for adoption or abort. That is me, but I'd be crapping my pants. I wish you the best and hope things turn out well for you and your family. 

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  • As someone who has dealt with IF I would suggest not telling her right away until you have made a decision what to do.  It is quite painful to hear a friend is PG when that is all you can think about is that you are unable to get PG.  She may not want to hear about your situation. It is nothing against you, it is just the complicated emotions that go along with IF. 

    DH and I are going to be adopting our LO so I may be a bit biased. :) I remember going to a birth parent panel (q & a session for birth parents who made an adoption plan) and there was a couple who were in the same situation as you. They knew they were OAD and she got pregnant unexpectedly. She thought about all of her options but decided to make an adoption plan. (Her DH was kind of like yours where he was a "go with the flow" kind of guy.)  Maybe you could talk with an adoption counselor and see what they can do for you. Here is the hotline for our agency (I promise that I don't have an agenda but at least there is someone you can talk to) 877.932.2734. (I am going to assume you do not live in Oregon but I'm sure they will talk with you. If they ask, say you just moved to Portland.)  They are an all options agency.  

    As for your family not "letting" you adopt, that is tough.  If you are over 18, they probably have no say in the matter legally (depending where you live). If you do decide that adoption is the best plan for you, they will just have to understand that it is your decision. 

    Abortion is also a valid option. Nobody has to know but you, DH, and your doctor.  Whatever decision you make, you have to feel like it is the right one for you and your family. 

     

    Pursing Domestic Infant Adoption through a local agency. In the meantime, our dog is our baby.  Bumping from Portland, Oregon. 
  • image arbutusbride:

    As someone who has dealt with IF I would suggest not telling her right away until you have made a decision what to do.  It is quite painful to hear a friend is PG when that is all you can think about is that you are unable to get PG.  She may not want to hear about your situation. It is nothing against you, it is just the complicated emotions that go along with IF. 

    DH and I are going to be adopting our LO so I may be a bit biased. :) I remember going to a birth parent panel (q & a session for birth parents who made an adoption plan) and there was a couple who were in the same situation as you. They knew they were OAD and she got pregnant unexpectedly. She thought about all of her options but decided to make an adoption plan. (Her DH was kind of like yours where he was a "go with the flow" kind of guy.)  Maybe you could talk with an adoption counselor and see what they can do for you. Here is the hotline for our agency (I promise that I have an agenda but at least there is someone you can talk to) 877.932.2734. (I am going to assume you do not live in Oregon but I'm sure they will talk with you. If they ask, say you just moved to Portland.)  They are an all options agency.  

    As for your family not "letting" you adopt, that is tough.  If you are over 18, they probably have no say in the matter legally (depending where you live). If you do decide that adoption is the best plan for you, they will just have to understand that it is your decision. 

    Abortion is also a valid option. Nobody has to know but you, DH, and your doctor.  Whatever decision you make, you have to feel like it is the right one for you and your family. 

     

    This exactly.....it is so hard for me to hear of others being able to have more than one child, and we are VERY VERY LUCKY TO HAVE OUR ONE!!!!! I couldn't imagine how your friend would feel....until the decision is made of what is happening,  I wouldn't say anything to your friend....that would be very emotionally hard for her to hear that you don't know what you are going to do.  BUT the ultimate decision is what you want to do best for your family.

  • Thanks for all the thoughtful responses. I haven't been commenting much, but I'm reading. Really helps to not feel alone.
  • I know this is older but I wanted to post because I completely understand what you are feeling. Spouse and I had actually decided that we weren't going to have any kids. I have PCOS and was told that getting pregnant would be incredibly difficult, and after watching my SIL go through multiple rounds of fertility treatments and IVF and never get pregnant, I knew that that route wasn't for me. We were perfectly happy and content with our life and each other and we just came to the realization together that having kids wasn't something that either of us wanted anymore (we both had when we were younger). 

    And then I got pregnant. If we had been trying, this would have been our miracle baby- but we weren't. Neither of us knew how to feel or what to do, and our emotions went back and forth pretty consistently over the next few months. We seriously considered our options, and still didn't know what we were going to do. It was like our whole life was going to change and everything we wanted and had planned for was taken from us. Especially when Spouse got an amazing job opportunity that we had been waiting for, but he couldn't take it because he wouldn't make enough money to support three of us at it (it was a pay cut and I would be leaving my jobs since we'd have to move). We struggled a lot with the decision and what to do, and even up until like 7 months we were still considering adoption, until I finally put my foot down and said we need to make a decision because we can't keep going back and forth like this- we need to start preparing for her to be here and being ok with it or start the adoption process now.

    At the end of the day, it came down to exactly what you said here- there was no good reason for us to give her up for adoption, just because it wasn't in our plans. So we didn't. And just like you, I felt horrible about being so upset about a baby when my SIL's life had revolved around trying to have one for so long without any luck. I was terrified to tell her too, but when I did, she was completely and totally thrilled and happy for me and it was such a sigh of relief (though I obviously *didn't* tell her that we weren't planning for it and that we weren't sure we wanted to keep her (I think if we HAD decided to give her up for adoption we would have had a conversation with them about it first to see if they wanted to adopt her). 

    The whole process was a struggle for us, coming to terms with it and rearranging our whole lives. And things haven't been easy- she hasn't been the easiest baby and has some less than fun issues along the way- but she's ours. And Spouse loves her to death and I think it has been worth it for me just seeing him interact with her, as strange as that may sound.

    Best of luck to you in your decision. *hugs*  

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