February 2013 Moms

What do you think (problems with DH)

I've been having a really hard time adjusting to having LO.  I had a lot of anxiety during my pregnancy so I don't know if this is hormone PPA-related of if I'm just terrible with adjusting to change.  Things have been worse for me recently because LO, for the last 3 weeks, has started fighting every bottle, every nap, and crying inconsolably for no apparent reason.  I'm home alone with her all day and I'm at my wit's end. 

I confided in DH last night that I miss my old life and that sometimes I wish I could just run away (no plans on doing that, just expressing my feelings).  I've mentioned this to him a few times now (over the span of 4 months).  Last night after I told him this he got really mad.  He's barely talked to me today and when I asked him why he said he was really upset by what I told him last night.  He said he was sick of me telling him these things and that I should just be grateful for what I have and be happy with LO.  That made me feel 10 times worse of course because I already feel bad enough that I'm not totally happy with my post-baby life.

He said "what would people on the boards say if you said I came home once a week saying I wasn't happy and wanted a divorce" (I've never even mentioned a divorce, but apparently this is what he's hearing). So ladies have at it.  Is he justified in being mad at me? Am I ungrateful? Or are these normal feelings? Or is this abnormal 4 months in?  Now in addition to all the other stresses I feel like my marriage is going down the dumper now too.

Re: What do you think (problems with DH)

  • Personally, I have never felt like you do so I can't relate. But I can understand what you are expressing are your own feelings. Your husband is probably upset that he can't make you feel better. He can't make you feel any different and is possibly feeling helpless, so he lashed out. 

    IMO, you should seek out some professional counselling and speak with your doctors. Is it possible you are dealing with PPD? Maybe even seeking out some "you" time is all you need. Do you get a few times here or there a week to do something without your LO? If not, I would start finding ways. Think about it. You have a whole new identity that you never had before that is pretty profound: mom. And sometimes we need to find a way to balance our old identities with the new.

     

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  • I agree the 3-4 mo crying can drive me a little batty.  I yelled at DS1 yesterday for no real reason other than he was being 2.  Are you working?  I'm still at home because I teach, so I'm here for the summer.  Even though I am dying to be a SAHM, all day long in the house with both kids can make me a little nuts.  I think to a certain extend, everyone wants to run away some days. :)  But I certainly don't feel that way all the time, daily, or for even more than a few hours here and there.  You probably should talk to your OB or reg doctor about PPD.  Left untreated, it could get really bad.  As for the crying, if LO is drooling a lot it's probably the beginning of teething.  I think that's what is going on here.  If nothing else, strap LO in the car and drive around if baby will sleep in the car! I stop at Sonic too for a sleeping kids cream-slush. :)  ETA:  I know very few people whose marriages didn't suffer a little with a new baby too.  Plan a date night!  It will be hard for awhile, but it gets better. 

     

     

     

     

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  • I'm the type of person that feels better when I get things off my chest. Whether I'm happy, sad, angry etc. talking about my feelings helps me work through tough situations so I can move on. However, as I've gotten older I have realized that sometimes when I do this other people misunderstand my intent... Basically the message I think I'm sending is not necessarily the message they receive. I have especially noticed this to be true with my boss at work and my DH [Maybe it's a guy thing haha].

    I think that your feelings are normal BTW. My DH and I tried for a long time to have a baby and it still makes me tear up when I think about that journey, and I loovvvveeeee my DS more than words can express. That being said, I still have days where I miss my solo days when at a drop of a dime I could go get a pedicure, veg on the couch and watch trash, or even take my time going to the bathroom haha. As much as I love my son and am so grateful for him, sometimes I just need some "me" time... We all do. It gets tough dealing with DS and my dog all by myself when DH is at work. It helps just to get in the car and go do an errand for ten mins by myself once in a while. That's when I get a second to breathe and rock out to some music that is definitely not child appropriate.

    So in summary, I think your feelings are still normal [as long as they are not too extreme], and that you should continue to talk about them with your DH. Maybe you can just try to present them in a different manner to your DH remembering that he might be hearing something completely different than what you mean :]
  • Men don't like it when they can't fix things for us.  He probably feels powerless to help you, but also feels hurt that (as he perceives it) he and LO aren't "enough" for you (I KNOW that's not true, but it may well be what he is hearing in your words).  

    I'm so sorry that you're having such a tough time.  It has to be so difficult when your LO is screaming at you all day every day.  I think this would be a good time for you to speak with your OB or MW about PPD.  PPA/PPD can be sneaky, but it sounds like you are feeling overwhelmed and I hate to see you suffering if it can be helped.

    (((hugs)))  I'm so, so sorry that you are feeling this way.  I really think that your H is frustrated because he can't fix the things that trouble you.  That's hard for them.  We're here for you, love, and if nothing else, just remember that every phase with kids is only temporary. 

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  • First, I think many, many women mourn the loss of their old lives when they become mothers.  I know I did.  And those sad/anxious feelings can be compounded when the LO in question is going through a difficult phase, especially if the LO's needs are causing mom to lose sleep.

    As much as I think those feelings are normal, I think that by 4 months those feelings should start to settle down as we become accustomed to our changed lives.  I'm sure those feelings pop up occasionally forever - or at least until the kids are 18.  But if at 4 months in you still feel that sense of loss every day, then I think you should call your doctor ASAP to talk about the possibility of PPD/PPA. 


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  • Wow, I am so sorry you are feeling like this. You are certainly not alone and your feelings are totally normal. Men have a hard time understanding us. They have no clue what it is like to carry around a baby for 9 months, deliver, recover, care for a child, manage other life responsibilities, and just migrate back into society, etc.
    I felt very much like you do for the first 3 months. Sometime in the middle of the night I had to wake DH up to make sure I wouldn't hurt my child. Of course, I would never in a million years do anything to harm my LO but I had never felt so exhausted, alone and sad in my entire life. The feelings scared me so much I was afraid to be alone with him sometimes. Of course DH didn't understand, but I didn't even care as long as he just sat with me. Like pp, I started carving out time for myself. Every single day when DH gets home, I go for a long walk w/ my I pod...it helped me soo much. Just a simple walk in the sun, away from from distractions. Make time for yourself every single day, no matter what, whether its a walk, a bath, reading a book, etc. You will be okay and will make it through this! Talking with a professional is a good idea as well. We are all her for you too! Hang in there! HUGS!!!
  • You just described how I have felt lately. I even googled PPD last night to understand more about it. I feel incredibly overwhelmed at times and I let my SO know when I do. He lets me vent and cry sometimes when I need it. While this is all good, it's hard because he works nights. On his long weeks its just me and the twins 5 nights and 6 days. They are also at the age of fighting sleep and being cranky and I find myself so tired overwhelmed and sad. It helps to just get out once in a while by yourself and with your SO for a date night. I look forward to those and love it.
    I am sure your DH is misunderstanding what you're saying and you should be able to vent to him. Maybe sit him down and explain that you don't really mean that you want to leave him or really run away but explain everything you go through as a SAHM. It's hard and I totally understand! Hope things get better for you and feel free to message me if you need to talk because I feel what you're going through!
  • http://www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/i-became-a-mother-and-died-to-live/

    This floated around the boards awhile back, and I don't know if you've seen it, but I found it very relatable. I felt and still do sometimes feel exactly like you. My husband was at work and school for the first 3 month's of DS' life. With little exaggeration, I was basically a single parent. It has been and probably will be the hardest thing I have ever done. He would sleep on the couch so he could go to class then work while I stayed holed up in our bedroom at all hours trying to soothe an inconsolable newborn. 

    One of my good friends told me when she had her first she kept day dreaming of checking into a hotel alone and staying there for two days just sleeping and watching TV. It is no reflection on how you feel about your baby or the way your life is now. Motherhood is the biggest source of emotion, for better or for worse, and it's played up in the media and TV commercials as this peaceful, harmonious experience all the time. It's not. I think it takes courage to be honest with yourself and your spouse about your feelings, and probably the first step to helping yourself feel better. Maybe take a minute when things aren't so tense to clarify what you mean to your DH. Hang in there, mama, you're not flying solo by any means.

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  • Motherhood can be incredibly overwhelming.  Honestly, I had hand surgery this week, and was half excited, because I was getting a break.  I love my children, but sometimes I need to be the old me.  Can you get a little time just for you, or you and dh, just to feel like the old you?

     

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  • I know what you mean. LO had bad acid relux for the first month or so and it really wore me out. I could not wait to go back to work. We called my MIL and asked her to come help me. It is her first grandchild so she loves coming down. Is there someone that can help you? Is there a mothers day out type program you can enroll LO in? It sounds like you need a break and some help. I know how frustrating it can be. I have never wished I could run away, but I might if I didn't feel like I wasn't getting any help. I hope things work out for you.
  • You are clearly supported here, mama! I remember laying in bed crying, mourning the loss of my precious life with DH. You are forever a different person now, and I think chemically dads don't feel that way, they don't process it like we do.
    There is something to be said about feeling depressed about giving up your "past life/past self" for this little creature. It. Is. Hard. It. Is. Sad. And no matter how joyful this new baby makes you, you still have a right to feel that loss.
    People don't talk enough about PPD. I mean Brooke shields basically got blacklisted for coming out about taking meds for hers. The general public practically stoned her for being a baby hater! But we should talk about it! We all feel it, and it's perfectly normal.
    I don't know who said it, a pp or the op, but I have definitely had those moments where I've had to hand DH the baby or I felt like i would hurt her. You lose your mind a little, and it's a good sign that we recognize our breaking points and SAY something or DO something about it.
    You are doing a great job. Deep breathes, and try to go shopping or get your hair cut or something, it'll help.
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  • image Teacher Clark:
    image DublinMama:
    http://www.renegademothering.com/2013/02/09/ibecameamotheranddiedtolive/This floated around the boards awhile back, and I don't know if you've seen it, but I found it very relatable. I felt and still do sometimes feel exactly like you. My husband was at work and school for the first 3 month's of DS' life. With little exaggeration, I was basically a single parent. It has been and probably will be the hardest thing I have ever done. He would sleep on the couch so he could go to class then work while I stayed holed up in our bedroom at all hours trying to soothe an inconsolable newborn.nbsp; One of my good friends told me when she had her first she kept day dreaming of checking into a hotel alone and staying there for two days just sleeping and watching TV. It is no reflection on how you feel about your baby or the way your life is now. Motherhood is the biggest source of emotion, for better or for worse, and it's played up in the media and TV commercials as this peaceful, harmonious experience all the time. It's not. I think it takes courage to be honest with yourself and your spouse about your feelings, and probably the first step to helping yourself feel better. Maybe take a minute when things aren't so tense to clarify what you mean to your DH. Hang in there, mama, you're not flying solo by any means.

    That's so very, very true! You need to make a new post just for this link Dublin mama

    Totally this. I think it's more an issue of not communicating the right way for him to get it. And I think that part is normal. It may be that you need an outlet and he isn't hearing exactly how you intend.
    I hope that makes sense... it does in my head but I have my own communication issues!
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  • If you can't confide in him, what are you supposed to do? 

    It's really tough though. I am going through some PPD/PPA right now and it's hard to explain to someone who has no idea what it feels like. I confided in DH last week that I hate how he calls me when he is watching DD to tell me how crabby she is. I resent that he gets to be home with her while I'm at work. He got all mad at me. He doesn't understand that it isn't personal. It's not that I think he's a bad parent or that I'm not grateful for my life. I just have a lot of emotions that I can't control.

     

    I know what you mean with the identity stuff too. I graduated college, got married and got pregnant in the span of 2 months. I lost my identity as a student, I changed my name, I became a mom. I didn't have time to adjust to any of it. I still haven't.....  



    "Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'"
    ~Mary Anne Radmacher

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    Eleanor Faye- 24 January 2013
    Nathan Malcolm- 07 April 2011
                                                                                                                                      

  • So I just skimmed your post, but two things stuck out at me.

    1.  Men take what you say at face value.  While women will obviously know you are just talking through your feelings, men are simpler than we are (it's true) and when you say you want to 'run away' that is what he is believing. 

    2.  Having a baby is hands-down the biggest change I've ever experienced.  It was ROUGH for me the first year.  It took some major adjustment to come to terms with my 'new' life as a mom.  You are not abnormal.  Find good mom friends, focus on the positives of your new life.  Find the humor in new parenthood and laugh about it with your husband.  Mourn the old life and then let.it.go. 

     

    SAHM to DD1 (7), DS (5) and DD2 (1)
  • SagenSagen
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    If it were *me* this is what I would say. I would say I am sorry for hurting his feeling (which I am sure you are).I would explain that venting helps you feel better, it makes you feel heard, and connected. That you love him and the baby more than anyone. I would tell him that you are going through something hard, that it is new, and stressful. He doesn't need to feel like he should fix anything, he just needs to be there let you vent, to be a shoulder to cry on, to tell you it is ok, that your a good mom, that it will get better.

    It will get better. ((hugs))

     
    Mom to 4 cute kids! 9 yo girl 7 yo boy 5 yo boy and new baby boy!
  • image almostjennifer:

    ; Find good mom friends, focus on the positives of your new life.  Find the humor in new parenthood and laugh about it with your husband.  Mourn the old life and then let.it.go. 

     

    This. Also, like others here said, try to carve out some time for yourself, even if it's just ten minutes. What many moms don't know is that our babies feed off our moods. They can tell if we're angry or irritated by the tone of our voice and normally react by crying, which makes us more angry/irritated, which makes them cry more, and it becomes a vicious cycle. So try as much as you can to find time to relax. Talk to your doctor about your feelings. Join a mommy group if possible. Try not to dwell too much on your previous life because it won't really help matters. Like the quote above says, mourn it, then try to move on. And remember, your LO won't be this age forever. This phase will be over before you know it. Putting things into perspective will help you get through this tough time.
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  • image Sagen:

    If it were *me* this is what I would say. I would say I am sorry for hurting his feeling (which I am sure you are).I would explain that venting helps you feel better, it makes you feel heard, and connected. That you love him and the baby more than anyone. I would tell him that you are going through something hard, that it is new, and stressful. He doesn't need to feel like he should fix anything, he just needs to be there let you vent, to be a shoulder to cry on, to tell you it is ok, that your a good mom, that it will get better.

    It will get better. ((hugs))

    This. I'm also betting he wants to fix it. I'm seriously considering going to see a therapist for a bit, as I was feeling absolutely overwhelmed a few weeks ago, and right now I'm going through some other major life transitions (buying a house, finally finishing schooling and looking for a "real" job, etc). I was taking a lot of it out on DH even though I knew it wasn't his fault. So I want to find a neutral person to be able to talk to without DH feeling like he's doing something wrong.

    To some extent, your feelings are normal. Only you and/or your OB can try to judge whether the depth to which you're experiencing them is within the range of "holy cow, what did I do?" feelings that many new mothers (myself included) have, or whether you're in PPA/PPD range. I think you should definitely talk to your OB. If it's PPD, then s/he can help you get treatment. If not, then you might want to look into finding a therapist to help.


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  • You ladies are amazing!  When I read your posts last night and this morning I cried happy tears because of the wonderful support you offered!  I also showed some responses to DH and he promptly apologized for being short with me. We had a long chat last night and smoothed things over.  So thank you for the supportive comments and for helping DH understand my point of view.

     What's even better, LO slept through the night last night for the first time ever!

  • I'm so glad you had a nice talk with your DH and got some much needed rest! Just wanted to send you some more virtual hugs. I had a really hard time the first 6 weeks of DS's life and when I went to my OB appointment and took the PPD questionnaire, I was on the borderline of having it. I was going through a lot of anxiety and feelings of inadequacy. I agree with PPs saying find time for you. I think it's very natural for us as women to think as soon as we have a baby that we need to forgo all of our own needs, but as I am learning we do still need to take care of ourselves from time to time! It will get better!

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  • It sounds like what your husband is hearing from you is that you are dissatisfied with your life right now.  That's why he threw out the comment about the divorce.  It's not that he feels you want one, but he's trying to see how you would feel if he came home every week saying that he was dissatisfied with his life - how would that make you feel?

    You SHOULD be able to express how you're feeling and your DH SHOULD be supportive.  Unfortunately, I think men feel like they always have to fix things and if we tell them we are unhappy with our lives, it seems like an impossible task for them - especially if we are talking about feelings and not tangible things they can help with.

    My suggestion would be to approach this topic again with some things your DH can actually do to help - can he lift some of your burden in any way?  Help with feedings?  Give you a break during the weekend to focus on your needs?

    IME men respond really well when you give them a list of things they can do to help. 

          DS1 - 8/07           DD2 - 2/13           DD1 - 3/11          DS2 - 1/09 

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  • image marionravenwood:

    You ladies are amazing!  When I read your posts last night and this morning I cried happy tears because of the wonderful support you offered!  I also showed some responses to DH and he promptly apologized for being short with me. We had a long chat last night and smoothed things over.  So thank you for the supportive comments and for helping DH understand my point of view.

     What's even better, LO slept through the night last night for the first time ever!

     So glad to hear that you were able to talk it out. 

     

    Also, it is absolutely astonishing how a good night's sleep will change everything for you! 



    "Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'"
    ~Mary Anne Radmacher

    image image
    Eleanor Faye- 24 January 2013
    Nathan Malcolm- 07 April 2011
                                                                                                                                      

  • image marionravenwood:

    You ladies are amazing!  When I read your posts last night and this morning I cried happy tears because of the wonderful support you offered!  I also showed some responses to DH and he promptly apologized for being short with me. We had a long chat last night and smoothed things over.  So thank you for the supportive comments and for helping DH understand my point of view.

     What's even better, LO slept through the night last night for the first time ever!

     So glad to hear that you were able to talk it out. 

     

    Also, it is absolutely astonishing how a good night's sleep will change everything for you! 



    "Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying 'I will try again tomorrow.'"
    ~Mary Anne Radmacher

    image image
    Eleanor Faye- 24 January 2013
    Nathan Malcolm- 07 April 2011
                                                                                                                                      

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