Working Moms

Advice or Encouragement...Please

Hello Ladies 

DH and I have been together a total of 5 years and 3 out of those 5 years, DH has not worked. A little over 3 years ago, I was 7 months pregnant with my first son and DH was diagnosed with congestive heart failure and high blood pressure, which with both working together is causing his heart to grow and to work a lot harder. He had to quit his job at the time. Before I had the baby, he tried to look for a job, but had no luck. He decided to stay at home with the baby while I went to work. Everything was fine for a while, until I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. My son was 5 months old. This is where many arguments have began over him not feeling like a man because he's not working and calling me the "breadwinner" and different things like that. I have to be honest and say that I don't mind working while he stays home. I have a county job that helps us maintain to where we are comfortable and I used to work at a daycare and know a lot of the "behind the scene" things about a daycare and it makes me very skeptical about daycares period . We started to have less arguments after our daughter was born, but we now have a month old, and the arguments and comments have started again. He was, also recently denied disability because of some paperwork mishap. So, that has been another argument. All we have to do is apply again.  I never want to make my husband feel less of a man but I just don't know what else to do. My biggest thing is, if he wanted to just get a part time job, his check would go towards a daycare or a babysitter. Keep in mind, there is not much he can do because of the disease. I wonder should I just agree to have him work just to ease his manhood or what? I don't know. I just don't want him to feel less of man because he's just not working. He's a good man and great father. How do I help him? Thanks in advance ladies. I take constructive criticism.

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Re: Advice or Encouragement...Please

  • If you're financially comfortable, and are hesitant about daycare, perhaps your DH could just get a weekend or evening part time job.  This way he feels like he's contributing, but it won't affect your childrens' current schedules.  Just a thought! I'm not sure what his skill set is, but some positions that come to mind that aren't labor intensive for his condition and offer evening work would be hotel clerk or concierge, host at a restaurant, sales at a nice department store, or an operator at a call service.
  • I think you should consider him getting a job. Even if it doesn't really make a lot of sense financially, it sounds like it would improve his quality of life and maybe make you all happier.

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  • image MoreThanABride:
    I think you should consider him getting a job. Even if it doesn't really make a lot of sense financially, it sounds like it would improve his quality of life and maybe make you all happier.

    I agree with this. I know my DH would never feel comfortable not working.  I think it might help him and your relationship as a whole. 

    Daycare has been amazing for my family.  Try to find the best one you can and enroll your kids.  Your family situation has to work for everyone in the family.  Good luck!

    I know that I personally would not be happy if I didn't work, so even if my salary went entirely to daycare it would be best for me to keep a job.  It is likely the same for your DH.  Also, reapply for disability.  Good luck!

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  • shannmshannm
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    image MoreThanABride:
    I think you should consider him getting a job. Even if it doesn't really make a lot of sense financially, it sounds like it would improve his quality of life and maybe make you all happier.


    I agree. I would want my DH to support me in this way so I would give him the same support.
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  • I would encourage him to get some counselling and a pt job. Then I'd get some couples counselling so you can communicate better and understand each other's needs without the arguments.
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  • image MoreThanABride:
    I think you should consider him getting a job. Even if it doesn't really make a lot of sense financially, it sounds like it would improve his quality of life and maybe make you all happier.


    This. My DH lost his job in 2010 when DS was 6 months old. They stayed home together and my job as a government employee paid well and we had good benefits. But, I think DH did get a little depressed. Even when he started back to school it didn't help his attitude or moral. This year he took a parttime job working a few hours one day a week doing something he considers a hobby, but he does get paid. I think this helped his outlook tremendously.
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  • If the genders in this story were switched, would you really think it was okay for a husband to tell his wife that she had to stay home with two toddlers (to "rest"!) because he didn't want his kids in daycare?

    I've got to think there are a lot of jobs he could do that would be easier on his heart -- and his stress level -- then being home with two tiny runners all day. 

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  • She talks about disability. That would mean he can't work so no job or has to work under the table. What about volunteer work?
  • If he can get a job that he thinks would help fulfill his interest & desire to work, unless it means losing money, then I would encourage him and support him in that for sure. All daycares are not created equal & depending on his hours & yours you might be able to find a sitter that wouldn't be too exorbitant too, esp if you can cover some of the hours, or if he is paid enough to cover it.

    Another thing to remember is that having a chronic disease like that  can come with some depression and obviously stress not to mention the meds, side effects, etc so working may help alleviate some of those things (at least maybe mental health) if he is struggling w/ any of that... (as long as it is not a job to create more stress-physical or emotional)...

    GL!

  • What about volunteering?  It sounds like part of his issue may be feeling like he's not contributing in a meaningful way.  Volunteering gives people purpose and makes them feel better about themselves.  You go in thinking you're helping others, but really, you're helping yourself too.  If anything, it may help him get his mind off his situation and focus on others.

    There's so many organizations that need help.  Off the top of my head, I would recommend the United Way, Salvation Army, or Habitat for Humanity.  There may also be local/community based organizations in your area that need assistance.

    Good luck to you both!

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