Trouble TTC

DH trying to back out of adoption plans

Since several of us seem to be going through a crapstorm today, I'll add my misery to the list.

Ever since DH and I started dating, he knew that I wanted to have biological AND at least one adopted child.  This was settled and agreed upon during our premarital sessions.

Lately he has been hinting about back tracking on our adoption goal and it's driving me INSANE.  I think that going to the RE has ignited his hopes to a ridiculous degree, but he is also eyeing finances -- preferring to do a round or two of IVF if necessary instead of putting the money toward adoption.

This is completely unacceptable to me.

He hasn't come out and actually said he doesn't want adoption, but I feel like he's trying to prime the pump with side comments, etc.   I'm afraid to call him out on it because I just might explode -- I can't go through IF treatment AND deal with this level of an argument

We don't argue much, but this one would be one for the history books.

I don't know if there is an answer to this.  I guess I just needed to vent.



"You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you."


RUMBERA: 35+ Current DX: Recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL)
DH: 40+  Diabetic, SA excellent.

03/2012: Diagnosis: Low progesterone. Prometrium added,
11/2012: MRI: 3 fibroids.  Myomectomy not recommended.
01/2013: Blood work normal. HSG: All clear.
03/2013: Diagnosis: "Unexplained Infertility"
05/2013: Hysteroscopy & D&C.  Biopsy: "early polyp formation."
05/2013: Bravelle + Menopur injections.
05/25/13  IUI w/4 follies: BFN. 
06/21/13  IUI#2 w/2 follies: BFP.
08/20/13  MC #5 @ 9 weeks.  D&E performed, Chromosomes:perfectly normal female.  Fibroid the culprit.
10/09/13  Robotic myomectomy - successful removal of 10cm posterior fibroid!
10/10/13  BENCHED for post surgical healing of ute.   Getting healthy for Dec IUI.
12/06/13  Bravelle + Menopur + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + IUI  + >3 follies =  cp
01/06/14  Another IUI round with injects for super-O.
01/17/14  Bravelle + Menopure + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + 3 follies = BFN
01/30/14  Self-benched to get healthy for IVF
03/04/14  Screwed over by insurance.   No IVF coverage.
03/12/14  Hail Mary B2B IUI's with 2 follies=BFFN
3/25/14  IVF is the next step.  We are exploring doing it overseas in 2015.

~~~~~~~~  EVERYONE IS WELCOME  ~~~~~~~~

imageimageimage

Re: DH trying to back out of adoption plans

  • I'm so sorry. My DH has also been waffling on adoption. Just as much as women have to grieve the loss of bearing biological children when deciding to stop treatments and adopt, men go through the same thing. Things finally came to a head right before I had to have my D&C and it was ugly. After the cancer scare, he didn't push the IVF angle again, knowing that there is only so much that I can physically, emotionally, and financially handle. For us, we decided to draw the line at IUI+injects simply due to cost. Obviously won't be the same for everyone. One of my more recent blog posts was about adopting during/after IF struggles. 

    imageimage

    New to the 3T board? *~*~*~*Click HERE first!*~*~*~*

    Losing the fight against my ovaries  35 36 months and counting

    Me: PCOS secondary to Hashimoto's (thyroid), endometrial hyperplasia, and a blocked tube

     DH-low motility and poor morphology

    My long and convoluted 7 month testing history can be found HERE

    Short story: if you've been trying for over a year, go straight to an RE. Don't waste time with an OB

     Treatment History 

    Medicated Cycle #1 (8/2013) 100mg Clomid , Stair-step to 150mg Clomid+ TI=  No Response
    Medicated Cycle #2, 3, 4 (9/13 10/13 11/13) 5mg Femara + TI + Ovidrel= BFN/No Response
    IUI #1 (1/14) 5mg Femara (CD3-CD7) + Follistim (50/100/150/200/250IU) = Over responded
    IUI #2 (3/14) 27 days of Follistim 50/75/100/150/200 (5 follies) + Lurpon+ IUI (12.5m motile) = BFN
    Next Up: coming off BCPs approximately 10/27 to start stimming for IVF #1
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    PAIF/SAIF/PGAL/PAL ALL WELCOME! 

    Eff YOU Uterus: The Blog             image           Pinterest

    "Fuck twins, it's a litter of kittens."- WQ

    "Apparently, mine doesn't deserve luxury. I have an economy vag.- Bibliothecary

    "On the way down the banister of life may your ass collect a thousand splinters."- DarcyHermione

     

  • Maybe he is just scared?

    IF treatments and adoption are both really expensive.  Knowing that we are OOP for IF treatments, I have know idea how we will afford adoption if we get to that point.

    DH's attitude toward adoption drives me crazy.  If I start to worry about IF treatments not working, he always throws out the idea of adoption.  I don't think he realizes how involved and expensive adoption is.  Sometimes I feel like he thinks you just put your name on a list and then they give you a baby.

    imageimageimageimage

     

    image

    TTC #1 since August 2011

    My Blog

    September 2012: Start IF testing

    DH (31): SA is ok, slightly low morph  Me (31): Slightly low progesterone, hostile CM, carrier for CF, Moderately high NKC, High TNFa, heterozyogous mutated Factor XIII, and +APA

    October 2012-May 2014: 4 failed IUIs, 3 failed IVFs, and 1 failed FETw/donor embryos

    November 2014: IVF w/ICSI #4 Agonist/Antagonist with EPP and Prednisone, Baby Aspirin, Lovenox, and IVIG for immune issues.


    PAIF/SAIF Welcome!

  • Is he maybe worried about multiples?  What happens if you get pregnant with twins - would you still want to adopt as well, or is two kids the limit? For us, the increased possibility of multiples from IVF or even just Clomid prompted a whole new conversation.

    Me & DH: both 35, married 09/01/2002
    MC, 3 IUIs, and IVF/FET to get our baby


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    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I think that you. Need to allow yourself to be upset, but when you can calm down you need to have a serious talk about this.

    Like PP said men need their time to grieve through this process too. My H and I went through a similar situation and it came down to him needing to process the loss of not having a "traditional" family. you never know, that might be what your H is going through.

    Good luck. I hope things get smoothed out.
     TTC#1 Since April 2011 
    BFP#1 5.23.12 C/P 4w4d 
    BFP #2 10.1.13
    EDD June 10, 2014
    image
    imageimageimage
  • image NariaDreaming:
    I'm so sorry. My DH has also been waffling on adoption. Just as much as women have to grieve the loss of bearing biological children when deciding to stop treatments and adopt, men go through the same thing. Things finally came to a head right before I had to have my D&C and it was ugly. After the cancer scare, he didn't push the IVF angle again, knowing that there is only so much that I can physically, emotionally, and financially handle. For us, we decided to draw the line at IUI+injects simply due to cost. Obviously won't be the same for everyone. One of my more recent blog posts was about adopting during/after IF struggles. 

    I can only imagine what you've gone through, Naria.   Although we only know each other online, you genuinely were in my thoughts and I really did pray for you.  I hope this struggle ends in victory for us all at TTTC :-)

    I haven't allowed myself to really think about what my physical/emotional/financial limits would/should be.   I don't want to give up on anything -- maybe I'm mad because DH is being realistic and reducing expectations while I still want to have complete faith and believe.



    "You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you."


    RUMBERA: 35+ Current DX: Recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL)
    DH: 40+  Diabetic, SA excellent.

    03/2012: Diagnosis: Low progesterone. Prometrium added,
    11/2012: MRI: 3 fibroids.  Myomectomy not recommended.
    01/2013: Blood work normal. HSG: All clear.
    03/2013: Diagnosis: "Unexplained Infertility"
    05/2013: Hysteroscopy & D&C.  Biopsy: "early polyp formation."
    05/2013: Bravelle + Menopur injections.
    05/25/13  IUI w/4 follies: BFN. 
    06/21/13  IUI#2 w/2 follies: BFP.
    08/20/13  MC #5 @ 9 weeks.  D&E performed, Chromosomes:perfectly normal female.  Fibroid the culprit.
    10/09/13  Robotic myomectomy - successful removal of 10cm posterior fibroid!
    10/10/13  BENCHED for post surgical healing of ute.   Getting healthy for Dec IUI.
    12/06/13  Bravelle + Menopur + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + IUI  + >3 follies =  cp
    01/06/14  Another IUI round with injects for super-O.
    01/17/14  Bravelle + Menopure + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + 3 follies = BFN
    01/30/14  Self-benched to get healthy for IVF
    03/04/14  Screwed over by insurance.   No IVF coverage.
    03/12/14  Hail Mary B2B IUI's with 2 follies=BFFN
    3/25/14  IVF is the next step.  We are exploring doing it overseas in 2015.

    ~~~~~~~~  EVERYONE IS WELCOME  ~~~~~~~~

    imageimageimage
  • image Twinkie0612:

    Maybe he is just scared?

    IF treatments and adoption are both really expensive.  Knowing that we are OOP for IF treatments, I have know idea how we will afford adoption if we get to that point.

    DH's attitude toward adoption drives me crazy.  If I start to worry about IF treatments not working, he always throws out the idea of adoption.  I don't think he realizes how involved and expensive adoption is.  Sometimes I feel like he thinks you just put your name on a list and then they give you a baby.

    I know!!  Most people think this at first.   It's crazy how expensive adoption is.  You shouldn't have to be Bill & Melinda Gates just to be allowed to love and care for a parentless child.

     



    "You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you."


    RUMBERA: 35+ Current DX: Recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL)
    DH: 40+  Diabetic, SA excellent.

    03/2012: Diagnosis: Low progesterone. Prometrium added,
    11/2012: MRI: 3 fibroids.  Myomectomy not recommended.
    01/2013: Blood work normal. HSG: All clear.
    03/2013: Diagnosis: "Unexplained Infertility"
    05/2013: Hysteroscopy & D&C.  Biopsy: "early polyp formation."
    05/2013: Bravelle + Menopur injections.
    05/25/13  IUI w/4 follies: BFN. 
    06/21/13  IUI#2 w/2 follies: BFP.
    08/20/13  MC #5 @ 9 weeks.  D&E performed, Chromosomes:perfectly normal female.  Fibroid the culprit.
    10/09/13  Robotic myomectomy - successful removal of 10cm posterior fibroid!
    10/10/13  BENCHED for post surgical healing of ute.   Getting healthy for Dec IUI.
    12/06/13  Bravelle + Menopur + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + IUI  + >3 follies =  cp
    01/06/14  Another IUI round with injects for super-O.
    01/17/14  Bravelle + Menopure + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + 3 follies = BFN
    01/30/14  Self-benched to get healthy for IVF
    03/04/14  Screwed over by insurance.   No IVF coverage.
    03/12/14  Hail Mary B2B IUI's with 2 follies=BFFN
    3/25/14  IVF is the next step.  We are exploring doing it overseas in 2015.

    ~~~~~~~~  EVERYONE IS WELCOME  ~~~~~~~~

    imageimageimage
  • image Rumbera28:
    image Twinkie0612:

    Maybe he is just scared?

    IF treatments and adoption are both really expensive.  Knowing that we are OOP for IF treatments, I have know idea how we will afford adoption if we get to that point.

    DH's attitude toward adoption drives me crazy.  If I start to worry about IF treatments not working, he always throws out the idea of adoption.  I don't think he realizes how involved and expensive adoption is.  Sometimes I feel like he thinks you just put your name on a list and then they give you a baby.

    I know!!  Most people think this at first.   It's crazy how expensive adoption is.  You shouldn't have to be Bill & Melinda Gates just to be allowed to love and care for a parentless child.

     

     

    I know it's expensive, but as someone in the social services field (though not in adoption) I can understand the reason for the expenses. After you pay for the social worker's time, you still have to consider an agency's expenses in caring for women who may or may not decide to place a child for adoption. The program that I work for is free for the women who are referred to us, with the expenses of  the nutritional counseling, job skills training, parenting classes, etc all being paid for by grant money. I have a feeling adoption agencies have similar client expenses to what we have per mother, and I doubt many of them are recipients of grants to pay for those services they provide at no cost to expectant women. 

    imageimage

    New to the 3T board? *~*~*~*Click HERE first!*~*~*~*

    Losing the fight against my ovaries  35 36 months and counting

    Me: PCOS secondary to Hashimoto's (thyroid), endometrial hyperplasia, and a blocked tube

     DH-low motility and poor morphology

    My long and convoluted 7 month testing history can be found HERE

    Short story: if you've been trying for over a year, go straight to an RE. Don't waste time with an OB

     Treatment History 

    Medicated Cycle #1 (8/2013) 100mg Clomid , Stair-step to 150mg Clomid+ TI=  No Response
    Medicated Cycle #2, 3, 4 (9/13 10/13 11/13) 5mg Femara + TI + Ovidrel= BFN/No Response
    IUI #1 (1/14) 5mg Femara (CD3-CD7) + Follistim (50/100/150/200/250IU) = Over responded
    IUI #2 (3/14) 27 days of Follistim 50/75/100/150/200 (5 follies) + Lurpon+ IUI (12.5m motile) = BFN
    Next Up: coming off BCPs approximately 10/27 to start stimming for IVF #1
    image

    PAIF/SAIF/PGAL/PAL ALL WELCOME! 

    Eff YOU Uterus: The Blog             image           Pinterest

    "Fuck twins, it's a litter of kittens."- WQ

    "Apparently, mine doesn't deserve luxury. I have an economy vag.- Bibliothecary

    "On the way down the banister of life may your ass collect a thousand splinters."- DarcyHermione

     

  • image VioletteGrayskies:

    Is he maybe worried about multiples?  What happens if you get pregnant with twins - would you still want to adopt as well, or is two kids the limit? For us, the increased possibility of multiples from IVF or even just Clomid prompted a whole new conversation.

    We had to discuss multiples because I'm on a pretty aggressive plan with my RE.  We could afford 3 children and still keep up our current lifestyle.   I'd definitely still want to adopt if we had twins, although I would probably wait several years until they were older.

    I think a "WWYD if you had multiples thread" is a good idea though! :-)



    "You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you."


    RUMBERA: 35+ Current DX: Recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL)
    DH: 40+  Diabetic, SA excellent.

    03/2012: Diagnosis: Low progesterone. Prometrium added,
    11/2012: MRI: 3 fibroids.  Myomectomy not recommended.
    01/2013: Blood work normal. HSG: All clear.
    03/2013: Diagnosis: "Unexplained Infertility"
    05/2013: Hysteroscopy & D&C.  Biopsy: "early polyp formation."
    05/2013: Bravelle + Menopur injections.
    05/25/13  IUI w/4 follies: BFN. 
    06/21/13  IUI#2 w/2 follies: BFP.
    08/20/13  MC #5 @ 9 weeks.  D&E performed, Chromosomes:perfectly normal female.  Fibroid the culprit.
    10/09/13  Robotic myomectomy - successful removal of 10cm posterior fibroid!
    10/10/13  BENCHED for post surgical healing of ute.   Getting healthy for Dec IUI.
    12/06/13  Bravelle + Menopur + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + IUI  + >3 follies =  cp
    01/06/14  Another IUI round with injects for super-O.
    01/17/14  Bravelle + Menopure + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + 3 follies = BFN
    01/30/14  Self-benched to get healthy for IVF
    03/04/14  Screwed over by insurance.   No IVF coverage.
    03/12/14  Hail Mary B2B IUI's with 2 follies=BFFN
    3/25/14  IVF is the next step.  We are exploring doing it overseas in 2015.

    ~~~~~~~~  EVERYONE IS WELCOME  ~~~~~~~~

    imageimageimage
  • It really does sound like almost everyone is having a craptastic start to the week. I am so sorry that you fear you and your DH may not be on the same page. I really hope that it may just be a misunderstanding and he realizes how important it is to you.

    My DH and I talked about "how far" we are willing to go in treatments last night after my BFN. We had discussed before that after I get out of Graduate school in about 3 years and we don't have any luck biologically then we will start the adoption process. We differ on how far we are willing to go with fertility treatments. I am willing to try one IVF, but he is hesitant. 

    I hope things turn around for you real soon ((HUGS!!))

    Anniversary Image and video hosting by TinyPic
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    Age: Me 26, DH 27, Married Oct. 10, 2009 ,TTC since March 2012
    Problem: Irregular menstruation, unexplained
    Nov&Dec-Provera because of no period after 35+ days
    First RE appt 1/10/2013
    Tests: TSH (normal), Prolactin (normal), SA (abnormal)
    Hysteroscopy (normal) and PCOS labs (negative/normal) 1/15/2013
    2/1/13- HPT BFP but Beta Hcg was negative
    Plan: Femara + Trigger + IUI in April if no real BFP before then Bloggy Blog!
  • pvf08pvf08
    100 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper 5 Love Its
    member

    I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a sh**ty week on 3T! 

    I don't know just how big of a "deal breaker" this is for you, as in, if you'll still TTC with him, but if you do, and you are lucky enough to get a BFP from treatment, and he sees what it's like to have a child, etc, maybe it will open his eyes to how wonderful adoption could be? 

    GL.... 

    TTC Since August 2011
    Me: Delayed O, slightly low AMH, HSG clear. 
    Hypothyroidism since 2000
    DH: Borderline Morph, volume

    Cycle #1: Clomid + trigger: BFN 
    Cycle #2: Clomid + trigger: BFFN 
    Cycle #3: Clomid + trigger: BFN 
    Cyle #4: Follistim + trigger: BFFN 
    Cycle #5: Follistim + trigger: BFN 
    Cycle #6: Follistim + trigger + IUI#1: benched for too many follies
    Cycle #7: Follis tim + Trigger + IUI#1.1: BFN
    Cycle #8 Follistim + Trigger + IUI #2: benched for 30mm cyst
    Cycle #9: Follistim + Trigger + IUI #2.1: BFN
    IVF#1 w/ICSI December 2013: BFN
    IVF#2 late Feb/early March

    image
  • Thanks for the support you guys.  I mean it.   I might go to bed early tonight just to end this sucky day and start over fresh tomorrow.


    "You're just jealous 'cause the voices don't talk to you."


    RUMBERA: 35+ Current DX: Recurrent pregnancy loss (RPL)
    DH: 40+  Diabetic, SA excellent.

    03/2012: Diagnosis: Low progesterone. Prometrium added,
    11/2012: MRI: 3 fibroids.  Myomectomy not recommended.
    01/2013: Blood work normal. HSG: All clear.
    03/2013: Diagnosis: "Unexplained Infertility"
    05/2013: Hysteroscopy & D&C.  Biopsy: "early polyp formation."
    05/2013: Bravelle + Menopur injections.
    05/25/13  IUI w/4 follies: BFN. 
    06/21/13  IUI#2 w/2 follies: BFP.
    08/20/13  MC #5 @ 9 weeks.  D&E performed, Chromosomes:perfectly normal female.  Fibroid the culprit.
    10/09/13  Robotic myomectomy - successful removal of 10cm posterior fibroid!
    10/10/13  BENCHED for post surgical healing of ute.   Getting healthy for Dec IUI.
    12/06/13  Bravelle + Menopur + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + IUI  + >3 follies =  cp
    01/06/14  Another IUI round with injects for super-O.
    01/17/14  Bravelle + Menopure + Ganirelix + Ovidrel + 3 follies = BFN
    01/30/14  Self-benched to get healthy for IVF
    03/04/14  Screwed over by insurance.   No IVF coverage.
    03/12/14  Hail Mary B2B IUI's with 2 follies=BFFN
    3/25/14  IVF is the next step.  We are exploring doing it overseas in 2015.

    ~~~~~~~~  EVERYONE IS WELCOME  ~~~~~~~~

    imageimageimage
  • I agree with PP, maybe he's just scared, and this is his way of manifesting it? Regardless, keeping this bottled in for you might not be good in any form in the long run... you'll end up blowing up. Maybe it'll be good to talk it out when the time comes (a time where you're not as stressed)?

     In any case, good luck, and I'm sorry you're going through such a crappy time.  


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    <3 <3 Team BababaBLUE!!! <3 <3

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    Siggy Challenge (NOW, yes, because I be slow...)


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  • image Rumbera28:
    Thanks for the support you guys.  I mean it.   I might go to bed early tonight just to end this sucky day and start over fresh tomorrow.

    Sorry you have had a rough day. Hope you are able to get a good night's sleep.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.  Sending ((HUGS)) your way.   

    **************SIGGY WARNING**************

    BLOG

    Me 32 :: DH 40

     TTC since November, 2011

    DH's SA : Excellent

    Lap and Hysteroscopy June 2012

    DX: PCOS, Stage III Endo, slight Adenomyosis, blocked tube, and probable LPD

    Treatments:  6 Months Lupron Depot injections; 1500 mg metformin; 3 cycles of Clomid + TI = BFN

    3 endometrial biopsies all were "out of phase" 

    September - December, 2013:  Break to lose weight and get healthy

    40 lb weight loss but still not ovulating "in phase"  

    February - March 2014: bcps + follistim + trigger + TI = BFP

     Beta #1 (12dpo): 30; Beta #2 (18dpo): 500; Beta #3 (25dpo): 7,000!!! 

    1st u/s 4/16: One beautiful hb at 144 bmp 

    2nd u/s 4/29: hb at 166 bmp.  Graduated from RE!!

    TEAM PINK! 

    EDD: November 29, 2014

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  • Sorry you are going through this! DH and I also want to adopt at some point. When I was still idealistic (aka naive). I thought after I have two biological kids, then we can adopt, but IF throws a curveball in those plans. I feel like I have had to reimagine what our family would look like. I still want to adopt, my timeline has just changed a little. Maybe YH is just coming to terms with all that. I'm also the planner with our finances, so sometimes the costs of IF and adoption, especially at the same time, feel a little overwhelming to me. He could be in that boat too. Praying he comes around so you guys can be on the same page!

    BFP#1 9/10/2012- EDD 5/19/2013- Miscarriage 10/8/2012

    BPF #2 6/20/2013- EDD 2/23/2014- Baby girl born 2/19/2014



  • I'm sorry you're going through this. It really does sound like it's just a bad week for IF and the myriad of issues that go with.

    As far as your DH, I really agree with pp that this might be him going through the grieving process, especially since you're getting more involved in the fertility treatments - he might really be looking at this being sort of a "last shot" at having a family biologically and the idea of "having" to adopt to have a family (as opposed to choosing to, if that makes sense) just isn't sitting well with him right now.

    I would give yourself time to really come to terms with the idea that he might come and tell you he's not sure about adopting - you don't have to agree and you will obviously still have the discussion about whether adoption is something you want to do, but I think you'll want to be able to be calm about it when you do have that discussion.

     

    BabyFruit Ticker
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