Infertility

Total Meltdown Today

I'm new here have been lurking for a little while. You all seem so supportive on a day like today, I could use some IF support.

In April, I had my first HSG it did not go well at all. It should have been quick but ended up being 30 minutes of pure torture all the nurses knew it didn't go well, especially when they wouldn't make eye contact I just knew something was wrong :. A couple weeks later my doctor did the test again sure enough, confirmed both tubes were blocked. All I can remember is my doctor trying to keep me optimistic saying over over "we're going to be ok." At age 36, there's still a good chance!

Well today my nephew was born I completely lost it. From 2am this morning tears just hitting my pillow to crying hysterically in the shower to pleading with god to just give me DH a chance to sitting on the bathroom floor at work sobbing. I'm sure you all had these feelings conversations with yourselves at one time or another. I have nothing but respect admiration for your courage and bravery to walk this difficult road of uncertainty.

I started the bcp's and had the pharmacy of meds delivered for round 1 of IVF. Just waiting to start the Follistim in June I think we are doing a 5 day transfer. Sorry for the long vent, I had hit a new low just couldn't bounce back. Thanks for listening I wish you all the best!
Married 11-29-2012
Me 36/DH 31
Over 35 - TTC since Sept 2012
2/13 - DH's SA was normal and OBGYN did BW on me to check ovulation - all was normal.  Went to RE in March 2013 at BIVF.  All BW was normal, estrogen a little high.  4/13 - HSG #1 - very painful and had spasms so suggested repeat of procedure.  5/13 - HSG #2 done by RE and both tubes are blocked :(  Per RE's recommendation - IVF cycle #1 in June 2013 w/ Follistim, Ganirelix, Ovidrel and Crinone.  BFP on 7/9/13 Beta #1 at 330.  Beta #2 at 895.  7/25/13 1st U/S at 6wk2d- it's TWINS!  Baby A 115bpm and Baby B 101bpm.

Re: Total Meltdown Today

  • beachy6beachy6
    250 Answers 1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary
    member
    Welcome and I'm so sorry you're having a hard day. I've been there many times and somehow always seem to bounce back. I think the one thing you have going in your favor is that you know what's wrong and know how to "fix" it, so to speak. I spent many years as unexplained before being diagnosed and we were just throwing darts in the dark trying to figure out how to get pregnant. Here we are years later, being told IVF is our only chance. So, that's great! Sending positive thoughts and prayers to you that this is a great cycle!

    ****Ticker and Siggy Warning ****

     

    ttc #2 since 2004 Me (35): Stage 3 Endo, DH (34): High DNA Frag

     6 iui's: All BFN

    Nov 2006: Natural pregnancy w/herbs and acpuncture, ended in m/c 8w3d

     uterine septum removal January 2012

    IVF #1: June 2013: BFN

    FET #1: September 2013: BFFN

    IVF/ICSI #2: April 2014: BFP!!!!!!

    ET of 2 great quality embryos. + BFP on 9dp5dt. Beta #1 (10dp5dt): 257, Beta #2 (14dp5dt): 1561

    BabyFruit Ticker

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  • Welcome. I hope your stay is short. I'm so sorry you had such an emotional day. We've all been there and know how dark it can get. Tomorrow is another day! You can vent any time you feel like it here.
    Me:40 DH: 43 m/c #1 4/8/08 @ 5w::natural
    m/c #2 missed m/c discovered 12/11/08 @ 8w3d :: d&c 12/15/08
    Feb 2009-began seeing an RE:: DX with unexplained IF
    Sept 2009 -2010 TTC using femara ...eventually work called me out of town.
    June 2011 DX with thyroid cancer-forced to put baby making on hold
    11/15/12 IUI #1 BFN and 12/15/12 IUI #2 BFN
    Feb 2013 IVF-BFN:: April 2013 FET-Cancelled:: July 2013 FET-1 frostie
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic  imageimage  
    image image
  • Welcome and congratulations on getting your IVF journey started. I will keep you in my t and P as you get started...keep us updated. I understand the pleading. Hang in there.
    | Married since 2008 | DH and I: Both 30 | Me: Endometriosis and Carrier of an X-Linked Dominant Genetic Disorder | DH: Low Morph | Planning IVF with PGD and PGS in 2013 | Freeze-All IVF #1: March 2013 ER 3/26. 29R, 12M, 11F. 4 5AA frozen blasts. Freeze-All IVF#2: May 2013 ER 5/15. 31R, 21M, 20F. 6 5AA frozen blasts. Our PGD probe was completed in late June (total of 20 weeks to develop). PGD and PGS Results came on 6/19: 3 healthy embryos (normal chromosomes and unaffected by my family's genetic disorder). FET #1: July 2013 Natural Cycle - Cancelled due to insufficient lining (only got to 7.5mm). FET #1.2: August 2013 - Medicated Cycle with Lupron & Estrogen Patches to build up lining. Single embryo transfer was 8/23. Beta #1: 240! Beta #2: 578! U/S on 9/19 at 6w4d: We saw the heart beating at 131bpm. Second U/S on 10/4 at 8w5d: We saw the heart beating at 178bpm. EDD 5/11/2014
    image
    PAIF/SAIF/Everyone Welcome! 


  • MrsC430MrsC430
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    Welcome and so sorry to hear about your bad day. I also have blocked tubes and can completely relate to how heartbreaking that is. If you ever need to vent, feel free to PM me!
    Wishing you the best of luck in your IVF journey. Stay strong!
    TTC since January 2011
    B/W & S/A:  All normal
    Lap & Hysteroscopy: Blocked/damaged tubes. Bilateral Salpingectomy 7/12/13.
    IVF #1: (Feb '13) 19R, 13F, 5DT of 1 Blast = BFN, 12 frosties.
    FET #1: (May '13) BFN
    FET #2: (Sept '13) BFFN
    FET #3: (Dec '13) Beta = 8. Chemical
    FET #4: (March '14) = BFP!!!
    Beta 1 = 753 Beta 2 = 1537 Beta 3 = 16879
    It's TWINS! EDD = 11/23/14
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • Thank you for your kind words and support. It does help to hear from those that can relate. I'm doing much better today and I hope to stay positive through this cycle. I have to admit that it's so overwhelming at times but I am choosing to take it one day at a time. I'm being treated at Boston IVF which has been fantastic and after I hit rock bottom yesterday, I signed up for the 10 week mind/body program at the Domar Center. Has anyone here attended the program before? I felt that I needed to do this not only for my own sanity but I realized how difficult it was for my husband and my family to see me completely broken. That's not me, I'm always the strong one. I really hope this program can help me cope a little better. Thanks again!
    Married 11-29-2012
    Me 36/DH 31
    Over 35 - TTC since Sept 2012
    2/13 - DH's SA was normal and OBGYN did BW on me to check ovulation - all was normal.  Went to RE in March 2013 at BIVF.  All BW was normal, estrogen a little high.  4/13 - HSG #1 - very painful and had spasms so suggested repeat of procedure.  5/13 - HSG #2 done by RE and both tubes are blocked :(  Per RE's recommendation - IVF cycle #1 in June 2013 w/ Follistim, Ganirelix, Ovidrel and Crinone.  BFP on 7/9/13 Beta #1 at 330.  Beta #2 at 895.  7/25/13 1st U/S at 6wk2d- it's TWINS!  Baby A 115bpm and Baby B 101bpm.
  • Welcome and Good Luck.  I hope your stay here is short and sweet and I hope you find the encouragement you need along the way.  This is a horrible issue that we have to deal with and it's okay to feel lower than low.  It's okay to fall apart and it's okay to feel broken.  Just know that you're not alone and you have a lot of people here who know what you're going through and will be happy to be strong and hopeful for you on those days that you can't do it for yourself.  Today is sh!t, but tomorrow might be better.  Hang in there.

    Good Luck with your mind/body program.  It sounds like it will be a good way to learn some new coping mechanisms. 

    ((hugs))

     
    me 33/DH 36
    ttc since 10/2008; d/x: mild MFI, stageII endo
    ~~PAIF/SAIF Welcome~~
    11 IUI’s = 1 m/c (7w4d)
    IVF#1 January 2012 BFN, FET #1 April 2012 BFN
    Surprise BFP October 2012 m/c (7w), Surprise BFP April 2013 m/c (6w4d)
    IVF #2: July 2013, ET 1 embryo 7/18, beta 1 @ 14dp3dt - 757, beta 2 @ 16dp3dt - 1762
    U/S 1 @ 6w4d = 1 little frogger with HB of 118, U/S 2 @ 7w3d measuring right on track with HB of 160
    Stick Frogger Stick! Please!!!!!!!!!!!!!   It's a Girl, EDD April 7, 2014

    BabyFruit Ticker

  • zazu13zazu13
    250 Answers 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary
    member
    Welcome. I have had similar melt downs. Getting a diagnosis and then watching those around you building families is so hard. I hope that IVF brings you your miracle. Hugs.

    Age: 35 TTC since 2005, MFI & DOR 

    IVF #1 Sep '11 - canceled poor response

     IVF #2 Nov '11  8R/8M/4F 3dt x2 - chemical

    IVF #3 April '12  11R/6M/4F 3dt x2 - m/c

    FET #1 Aug 2012  3dt x2 - BFN

    **new RE**

     IVF #4 Jan '13 BFN 11R/6M/6F 5dt x2 - BFN

     IVF #5 July '13 16R/10M/10F 5dt x2 + 1 frostie

    9dp5dt Beta 1 = 344!! 16dp5dt. Beta 2 = 4822 7wk u/s= 2 heartbeats!

    Twin girls! 3/6/14

     

  • Welcome, and I am SO sorry that you are going through this. I can truly say I know how you feel. Word for word.

    You are so strong and brave, especially if you had an HSG from hell and were able to do it a second time. I know I would never be able to do that one again... and thankfully I won't because I've since had my tubes removed.

    I know how awful it feels to watch your siblings/in laws have babies while you wait. Your turn is coming! As DH tries to tell me, think of all the hand-me-downs...(groan)

    Thinking of you and wishing you success on your IVF. You are NOT ALONE in this.

    TTC 3 years 2011 Myomectomy 2012 Referred to RE BFP Naturally, ectopic IUI#1, BFP, ectopic (other side) 2013 Fallopian tubes removed due to damage and hydrosalpinx IVF#1: 8 frosties, no transfer due to fluid in lining FET#1: cancelled due to fluid in lining
  • MrsC430MrsC430
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    member
    image Khouree77:
    Thank you for your kind words and support. It does help to hear from those that can relate. I'm doing much better today and I hope to stay positive through this cycle. I have to admit that it's so overwhelming at times but I am choosing to take it one day at a time. I'm being treated at Boston IVF which has been fantastic and after I hit rock bottom yesterday, I signed up for the 10 week mind/body program at the Domar Center. Has anyone here attended the program before? I felt that I needed to do this not only for my own sanity but I realized how difficult it was for my husband and my family to see me completely broken. That's not me, I'm always the strong one. I really hope this program can help me cope a little better. Thanks again!


    I've heard great things about that program! I'm also from the Boston area, we're using RSC New England. I wish RSC offered something like that!
    TTC since January 2011
    B/W & S/A:  All normal
    Lap & Hysteroscopy: Blocked/damaged tubes. Bilateral Salpingectomy 7/12/13.
    IVF #1: (Feb '13) 19R, 13F, 5DT of 1 Blast = BFN, 12 frosties.
    FET #1: (May '13) BFN
    FET #2: (Sept '13) BFFN
    FET #3: (Dec '13) Beta = 8. Chemical
    FET #4: (March '14) = BFP!!!
    Beta 1 = 753 Beta 2 = 1537 Beta 3 = 16879
    It's TWINS! EDD = 11/23/14
    Pregnancy Ticker
  • Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. It really does help after a 5 minute scroll through FB newsfeed seeing all the cute pics and of course the announcements. I really do try to be happy for others and it's really because we all want to be there. We want to be those happy, excited people and that's why IF sucks so bad!

    As for the repeat HSG debacle, I don't even know why I agreed to it? I think it was more I had to know for sure.

    I read plenty of things online that it was no big deal and just take motrin beforehand. So when things went awry after about 10 minutes, I was thinking I must be a complete wimp! Although the tech could tell there was a spasm going on and that there was too much pressure! She did apologize a lot, told me I was a trooper then told me to roll over and it was so painful that I grabbed the nurse and nearly took her arm off and tears just streamed down my face...she dried them for me and told me we were almost done. I got off the table after 30 mins and did a 'shake up' so that they could do one final xray to see if any dye spilled out.

    At the end of the procedure, she said that this happens only once in a blue moon and that my doc will probably want to repeat it. At that point I started bawling and just felt horrified...poor DH saw me a few minutes later and didn't know what to do with me. Thank god he drove me home because I was a trainwreck. I wasn't back to normal until about 5 days later.

    Turns out the tech was right and my RE wanted a repeat to be sure and he promised to do the HSG himself and said it would only take 5 mins because of my previous experience and the look of sheer panic on my face. He kept his word and was able to tell me right after the second HSG that we should move straight to IVF. Yes, we are lucky to have a dx because I know so many that don't but I was still devastated at that moment and felt completely helpless. I'm a little more optimistic after seeing on the boards that ladies do succeed all the time, every single day. So we are just patiently waiting to take the next steps in this process and hoping to be a success story. I truly wish that for everyone here!
    Married 11-29-2012
    Me 36/DH 31
    Over 35 - TTC since Sept 2012
    2/13 - DH's SA was normal and OBGYN did BW on me to check ovulation - all was normal.  Went to RE in March 2013 at BIVF.  All BW was normal, estrogen a little high.  4/13 - HSG #1 - very painful and had spasms so suggested repeat of procedure.  5/13 - HSG #2 done by RE and both tubes are blocked :(  Per RE's recommendation - IVF cycle #1 in June 2013 w/ Follistim, Ganirelix, Ovidrel and Crinone.  BFP on 7/9/13 Beta #1 at 330.  Beta #2 at 895.  7/25/13 1st U/S at 6wk2d- it's TWINS!  Baby A 115bpm and Baby B 101bpm.
  • image MrsC430:
    image Khouree77:
    Thank you for your kind words and support. It does help to hear from those that can relate. I'm doing much better today and I hope to stay positive through this cycle. I have to admit that it's so overwhelming at times but I am choosing to take it one day at a time. I'm being treated at Boston IVF which has been fantastic and after I hit rock bottom yesterday, I signed up for the 10 week mind/body program at the Domar Center. Has anyone here attended the program before? I felt that I needed to do this not only for my own sanity but I realized how difficult it was for my husband and my family to see me completely broken. That's not me, I'm always the strong one. I really hope this program can help me cope a little better. Thanks again!


    I've heard great things about that program! I'm also from the Boston area, we're using RSC New England. I wish RSC offered something like that!


    I'm glad you heard positive feedback, I am eager to start for sure. The program begins on 6/5. Check the Boston IVF website for details on the program weekly meetings in Waltham for 10 wks. If you are not too far away, maybe you can sign up as well? I don't think you have to be a patient through BIVF, because the online form asked me for all of that kind of info when I signed up. Worth a look if you think it would help right???? Let me know if you need details!
    Married 11-29-2012
    Me 36/DH 31
    Over 35 - TTC since Sept 2012
    2/13 - DH's SA was normal and OBGYN did BW on me to check ovulation - all was normal.  Went to RE in March 2013 at BIVF.  All BW was normal, estrogen a little high.  4/13 - HSG #1 - very painful and had spasms so suggested repeat of procedure.  5/13 - HSG #2 done by RE and both tubes are blocked :(  Per RE's recommendation - IVF cycle #1 in June 2013 w/ Follistim, Ganirelix, Ovidrel and Crinone.  BFP on 7/9/13 Beta #1 at 330.  Beta #2 at 895.  7/25/13 1st U/S at 6wk2d- it's TWINS!  Baby A 115bpm and Baby B 101bpm.
  • Welcome!  I'm truely sorry you have to be here but you have found a wonderful group of ladies that are both supportive and knowledgeable!  I'm just starting my first IVF cycle this month and have learned more from this board than from anyone at my RE's office!  It breaks my heart to hear about your horrible day and brings back memories of my own.  Sadly, we have all been there so we understand the feeling of utter desperation, crying and pleading with God.  Feel free to vent here anytime you need!  Also, join the June Bloom's cycle group if your want.  We have check in's on Mondays and Fridays!
    Happily Married since 2007! TTC #1 since 2/12! Me(29)-PCOS(Metformin) DH(30)-MFI, 10/12 SA=Azoo(Clomid started), 12/12 SA=0.1mil, 2/13 SA=2.1mil/Abnormal Morph. IVF #1 scheduled May/June 2013
  • IF is not an easy journey. My husband and I TTC for over 18 months. We prayed to God on a regular basis for a healthy baby and pregnancy. I didn't want to experience miscarriage after trying for 18 months. The journey was very dark and I remember crying when my friends, family would tell us they were pregnant. No one know of the struggles my husband and I were facing. The number of times we were asked when we were going to have kids were too many to count. Finally, after 18 months of TTC God answered our prayers. We're expecting our first, a boy, in August. I know this road isn't easy but continue to go to God for strength. I didn't think we would ever get pregnant either and it happened right when we least expected it.
  • I'm so grateful for your honesty and personal stories...it really does help to not feel so isolated. My nephew was born on Monday night and everyone in my family is on cloud nine. Am I happy for my younger brother, of course but it's so hard because all I want to do is crawl under the covers and not look at another picture of his adorable son. I always thought I would have a family first and that dream turned into I'm not even sure if I will have one at all. Done with venting but I find it so hard to explain to my family that I just can't be in this state of euphoria with them right now. As hard as I try, I'm just not there and I wish that would be enough but it's not sad face
    Married 11-29-2012
    Me 36/DH 31
    Over 35 - TTC since Sept 2012
    2/13 - DH's SA was normal and OBGYN did BW on me to check ovulation - all was normal.  Went to RE in March 2013 at BIVF.  All BW was normal, estrogen a little high.  4/13 - HSG #1 - very painful and had spasms so suggested repeat of procedure.  5/13 - HSG #2 done by RE and both tubes are blocked :(  Per RE's recommendation - IVF cycle #1 in June 2013 w/ Follistim, Ganirelix, Ovidrel and Crinone.  BFP on 7/9/13 Beta #1 at 330.  Beta #2 at 895.  7/25/13 1st U/S at 6wk2d- it's TWINS!  Baby A 115bpm and Baby B 101bpm.
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