October 2013 Moms

Advice Please!!!

So last weekend I got in this HUGE fight with DH's brother, brothers wife and her brother. We were having a Bon fire and everyone was drinking, except me, well I took my 11 year old sister over night and "the brother" decided to try to discipline her in the most disrespectful way ... Telling her if she was going to continue to be a disrespectful little brat she could go back to "the camper" she came from. I didn't even know this happened until later when I found her all depressed and she told me. Well lets just say I SAW RED!!!! I went over to him and told him he had no right talking to a flucking 11 year old like that..... Along with every other swear word I knew and told him to get the fluck off my property! I go inside put the kids to bed and go back out and he's still there! So needless to say him, DH's brother and sister in law were all screaming In my face saying I'm a terrible mother and they couldn't believe I have another one on the way..... Continued to attack my character and say any hurtful thing they could think of while my DH just stood there! He didn't say anything! So we were fighting the next couple of days because really what kind of man stands there while his pregnant wife is being attacked my three adults! Really what kind of man. So he was beating himself up saying he was trashed and he's a pretty calm person who doesnt like confrontation anyways so I forgave him. My thing is I feel like he should have to chose between his brother and sister in law that he was never close to or me! Im so angry and hurt not only by what they said but the fact that DH didn't defend me. I have no problem washing my hands with people like that and being done with them but if DH can't then I can't help but feel betrayed by him yet again what should I do and what is reasonable to expect from DH in a situation like that? I'm so torn, please help!

Re: Advice Please!!!

  • DH definitely should have stood up for you, but when alcohol is involved, all bets are usually off.  Also, there are plenty of people out there that just won't stand up for anyone else when situations get hairy, because "they don't like confrontation."  I like to call that something else, but to each their own. 

    11 isn't really that young anymore, and though I may get flamed for this, did you ever find out if she was being a "disrespectful little brat?"  I know some people will say that doesn't matter, and he should not have responded to her like that, but by 11 years old a child should know not to be rude to adults.  If alcohol caused his outbursts, then what were a bunch of seemingly sloshed adults doing with the kids around anyways. 

    I hate you are put between your DH and his family in this way, and they really overreacted by jumping on you that way, but it sounds as if you may have overreacted as well.  Drunks don't normally take accosting that well, and I'd definitely get both sides of the story before taking an 11 year old at her word because her feelings are hurt.  I assure you, she will survive way worse hurt feelings than being called a brat.   

    I can't say there is a right or a wrong here.  Though I don't make it a point to get loud with other people's kids, if they are at my house or with me in some fashion, or in a position to influence my child, and if they are being little sh*t heads, I call them out on it and make it clear that won't be tolerated around me and mine.

    Good luck, and as hard as it might be, I would just move on. If you do feel like you have to deal with it, I would start with your husband not sticking up for you. If he was too drunk to do so, then it might be time for him to cut back.

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  • Honestly, it sounds like your husband was caught between a rock and a hard place. He had his family over as guests, and you were offended by their actions, so he would probably initially stick up for you. But then, you cussed them blue and ordered them to leave, so he probably was just wishing for a hole to open up in the ground so he could disappear and leave that scene entirely!

    I personally don't think it is a good quality in a man to start cussing a blue streak and fighting with his family, so I probably wouldn't have wanted him to "stand up for me" the way you clearly hoped he would. I guess I am not the one to give good advice on this...

    But I don't think that you should ask your husband to "wash his hands" of his brother and sister-in-law over what sounds like a difference in discipline strategies for an 11 year old. Blood runs deep, and family bonds are important.

    I would suggest waiting until things calm down a bit and then discuss with your brother in law that you would appreciate being the only one to discipline your sister or your own children, if there are any issues that come up. I would also think that staying away from events where all the adults (except you) are intoxicated with children running around would do wonders for your stress level! In situations like those, bad events are almost inevitable because no one is controlling the words that come out of their mouths.

  • DH did something similar about a year ago, where he didn't defend me in a case where it was just an acquaintance not even family. i am still not really over it to tell you the truth...BUT, that is one of the reasons i love my husband he is a kind and caring person who tries not to pick sides, he wants everyone to "get along" but still his "friend" was being a D-BAG and he should have stuck up for me. 

    in your case, yes your husband should have stuck up for you, yes those family members are complete a-holes who need to mind their own business. but in a situation where there is a lot of alcohol involved and brother against wife i am sure it is hard to come up with something right then and there. maybe you can have your husband call his brother and tell him he thinks he should apologize to you or something along those lines...does your DH feel bad now about not sticking up for you/see your side?

        
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  • Well come to find out my little sister was sticking up for my son who was getting bullied by the other kids, he just happened to walk in when she was yelling at them. If she was being a brat too I would still be upset because they should have gotten me so I could have talked to her and disciplined her and even then it's the way the brother said it that really angered me, I don't know
  • Yeah, there is always more to the story.  I'd take PP's advice and just limit the mixed adult/alcohol/kid parties you have.  You cannot be the only sober adult while pregnant and manage to watch and control multiple other children and the drunks at the same time.  That's just a recipe for disaster.
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  • image asajeanmiller:
    Well come to find out my little sister was sticking up for my son who was getting bullied by the other kids, he just happened to walk in when she was yelling at them. If she was being a brat too I would still be upset because they should have gotten me so I could have talked to her and disciplined her and even then it's the way the brother said it that really angered me, I don't know

    But from this, it sounds like your brother walked in on a scene where your sister was yelling at/disciplining his kids. He had been drinking, but basically went all papa grizzly and told her (in a less than nice way) to stop disciplining his kids because she is not their parent.

    So, then you cussed at him for disciplining your sister. It just sounds like a situation where nobody stopped to try to be rationale before wading into a fight. In this situation, I would just try to move on...because honestly, I don't see that anyone is on the moral high ground as far as apologies go.

  • Yes he does feel bad and regrets not saying anything but I really just feel like he's trying to keep the peace instead stick up for his wife that got attacked in several different ways and oh yeah I forgot to mention they weren't over as guests, they live next door and decided to wander over
  • image asajeanmiller:
    Yes he does feel bad and regrets not saying anything but I really just feel like he's trying to keep the peace instead stick up for his wife that got attacked in several different ways and oh yeah I forgot to mention they weren't over as guests, they live next door and decided to wander over
    If they live next door and you both have kids that play together, there is no reason to ask your husband to wash his hands of his brother/sister-in-law. They are going to be parts of your lives, whether you like it or not, for as long as you guys live next door to each other--and your kids are going to want to see their cousins. I really think this is one of those situations were you just need to clear the air nicely and move on...
  • Thanks for all the advice, you guys helped a lot
  • Number One I'm not for having your DH stand up for you.  It was your fight to fight.  I can see where he could have diffused the situation, but I'm a big fan of never needing or wanting my DH to stand up for me in situations like this.  I like to think I can hold my own.  And from the sound of it you did. 

    You can't expect him to drop family.  I'm the same way when it comes to being done with people, especially my DH mother, but that is his family and his choice.  He doesn't bad mouth me and that is all that I ask.  He can't control the amount of respect his family shows me, but he can control the respect that comes from him. 

    There are certain situations where I do think  the man should stand up for you, but this one is not one of them. You instigated, for a good reason, and now the downfall as on you.

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  • image sooner1981:

    Honestly, it sounds like your husband was caught between a rock and a hard place. He had his family over as guests, and you were offended by their actions, so he would probably initially stick up for you. But then, you cussed them blue and ordered them to leave, so he probably was just wishing for a hole to open up in the ground so he could disappear and leave that scene entirely!

    I personally don't think it is a good quality in a man to start cussing a blue streak and fighting with his family, so I probably wouldn't have wanted him to "stand up for me" the way you clearly hoped he would. I guess I am not the one to give good advice on this...

    But I don't think that you should ask your husband to "wash his hands" of his brother and sister-in-law over what sounds like a difference in discipline strategies for an 11 year old. Blood runs deep, and family bonds are important.

    I would suggest waiting until things calm down a bit and then discuss with your brother in law that you would appreciate being the only one to discipline your sister or your own children, if there are any issues that come up. I would also think that staying away from events where all the adults (except you) are intoxicated with children running around would do wonders for your stress level! In situations like those, bad events are almost inevitable because no one is controlling the words that come out of their mouths.

    ^ I agree with all of this ^

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