Attachment Parenting

Different parenting styles

I've come across a similar post on this topic, but wanted to see if anyone could offer a new perspective.

My husband and I parent our baby differently. I feel I am a gentler, more AP type of mom. I don't know what to call his style. He claims she needs to "cry it out" and she's only 4 months old. Admittedly, she hates falling asleep, but I don't feel that's any reason to leave her in her pack-n-play, screaming till she passes out. There are times I will pick her up and hold her till she stops crying, after he's told me to let her be.

This doesn't happen EVERY night. Most nights, DH is asleep early and I'm the one putting DD to sleep at night. He does watch her while I'm at work in the evenings, though, and I can't stand the thought of her being treated this way. My mom often babysits while I'm working instead.

Just wondering how to deal with the situation.  

Re: Different parenting styles

  • ncbellencbelle
    Tenth Anniversary 10000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its
    member

    I think it's very important for parents to be on the same page about parenting - and able to talk about points of difference to reach a compromise.  This isn't going to go away as baby gets older - lots more to disagree about!

    Have you had a conversation with him about why you feel the way you do?  Would he respond to some reading/research?  Does he have other experience with children? 

  • My god what is wrong with you idiots, let the kid cry you pansy. Are you still sucking milk from your moms tits you baby? Grow a pair and let your kid live for cripes sakes.
  • OP, what is your measurements? What is your goals? Remember, we are all a family on this site. Here to provide you with some freakin' motivation and a kick in the pants if need be.
  • There some really annoying spam on here today... That said, I thought I would try to post something relevant. I have a somewhat similar experience. My lo would cry a lot with my dh when I would leave for short stints while she was younger. To help, I tried to teach dh how to nurture and be more comforting towards her. Eventually he figured out some tips himself, too. Maybe your dh is frustrated and that is why he wants your lo to CIO? At four months only, I wouldn't suggest that at being your best option, though.
    I was lucky in the fact that my dh doesn't mind us cosleeping. Mostly because I am the primary caregiver at night and this is how I get the most sleep. Could you try to reason with him this way? How is your lo sleeping while you are not there, tho? Could you try a rock n play or something smaller and near you? Or does lo just refuse to be put down? Mine still refuses a crib or anything other than our bed, so totally understand if this is your case, too!
  • I would have a frank conversation with DH about your feelings. And if he's willing to look at some good scientific studies on the topic, google Dr. James Mckenna. He runs the Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory at Notre Dame and is a national expert in neuropsychology and baby sleep.

    I would be very very angry if DH let DS CIO because I believe that DS' needs should be met immediately. DS cries not to manipulate, but to signal that he has a need that must be met. By answering him, I am developing a relationship of trust, letting him know that he can rely on me. If he cried himself to sleep, he might do so less and less each night, but only because he has given up and knows that no one will answer him if he cries. How sad.

    Explain this sort of thing to DH. I really hope and wish for the best for you two. It is heartbreaking that you have to go through this, and obvious how much you love your little one.
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  • cpmichcpmich
    Ninth Anniversary 250 Answers 1000 Comments 25 Love Its
    member
    At 4 months your child lacks the cognitive ability to manipulate you. It is crying because there is an unmet need.You two need to talk to each other to be on the same page.

    I would ask him what message he wants to send her. It is probably the importance of independence. If so, ask him if he really thinks that he wants his 4 month old to be independent. Sometimes it can wait.
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  • fryratfryrat
    1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    member

    I found that instead of telling DH how to be a parent, I had to let him figure it out by himself and get a groove. I would have set days, where I would be there, but I would let LO be "all his" and just guide him. He may not be able to lay her  down in the crib as gently, and therefore wake her up each time, or something like that. DH learned that he could get her to fall asleep  on his chest, then put her down once she is deep asleep, whereas I could put her down drowsy.

    I did give DH a free pass.  I told him that if at any time he got frustrated and DD just would not calm down for him, he could put her in the crib (because she is completely safe), step outside and call someone to come help. Not with the intent of letting her cry, but with the understanding that sometimes a fussy, crying baby gets to be too much for one person. Not once did he need to do that. He figured it out pretty quick, and once I gave him the room to do it his way, not my way, he was happier, and DD was able to be put down easier.

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