2nd Trimester

Should I be single?

Practically 5 months pregnant and I think I want to be single.

I've posted on another board about my relationship a while ago but hope I can write here too. Basically long story short me and my man were engaged but broke it off. He was mean and beyond cruel calling me out my name and didn't care that we had a miscarriage in oct 2012 and just not the man I fell in love with. Really true what they say the people you love the most can hurt you the most. I told him if I left he would miss me love me and want me back you know.. he emotions were just fuming and Id leave for a day or two and he got so disrespectful I left.. 7 days he was begging on his knees for me 2come back and this was oct 29 2012. We got back together but I noticed he was slipping already. I had to remind him to schedule our counseling meeting and I personally don't feel any man should be out till 4 am when they have a fianc? or gf and he thought since we talked it was ok again. (In my opinion no its not, I think he feels since his best friend can do what he want in his relationship he can too. His best friend has been with his girlfriend for 8 or 9 years and he doesn't believe in marriage. If I was with a dude for 9 years Im sure Id want some space every now and then too)

a boys night that late till 4 am in a relationship isn't what I believe in. Ok point is now that Im pregnant I wish we could go back to that happy lovely couple we were. When I tell yall we were in love it was a feeling I never felt before. We could be in a room full of people but just stare at each other. I don't think we could ever can ever get it back unless we deal with out issues from the past.. I don't think letting 9 months go by is just going to make pain or hurt go away. My dude even stopped going to church. He doesn't want to go with or on his own and that's a bad thing because he once mentioned in counseling is all he wants to do Is be happy and love GOD. Hasn't been to one doctors appt. Of course cause he works and he is the bread winner so I get it. But when I ask you to attend a doctors apt with me and you say you cant cause of work I understand. When you take a day off work just t clean your dads pool knowing I have a doctors apt the next week is what I don't understand. Do I still love him ? absolutely. Do I think he loves me yes 100%. there is something missing though.

A couple weeks ago I mentioned to him that I was falling back for him and I was scared cause I don't want to get  hurt again. So I asked him should I fall back. Meaning should I pump the brakes and he kissed my forhead and said I love him. I shouldn't be scared. Weeks went on and now Im thinking I want to be single. Again I just feel like he is rude selfish and inconsiderate. Will he be out at 4 am when baby girl gets here. When I'm 8 months pregnant and call him Is he still going to ignore my calls. Knowing Ive had a rough pregnancy. If he doing it now how is he just going to change when our little gummie bear is born. Im not financially stable but don't want to stay with a man just so he can take care of the baby. I couldn't do adoption either.

 I know this a lot and Im just looking for female advice. Main question is If your man treated you the way you didn't want to be treated would you leave him knowing your pregnant?   I am torn because I wish we could just go back in time but this is the real world and I cant. Im afraid when baby girl gets here he wont love her and treat her the way he did me.

I know I can only make this decision on my own but would love feedback. Ive only been thinking about this for a couple weeks now so I will continue to think and pray.

 

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Re: Should I be single?

  • How old are you?
    Why did you keep having sex with a douche?

    He's showing you exactly who he is and what will be if you stay with him. He's shown you over and over. Believe him and ditch him.  

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  • I'm 23 and apart of me feels like your right but I keep praying one day he is going to prove me wrong
  • Sounds like a whole lot of high school drama.

    You need to start thinking of you and your baby.  Having emotional crap going on with him with you are trying to take care of a new baby is too much. You need to figure out what his role will be when the baby arrives and make a plan. Is he going to be active in your childs life, pay bills, be supportive emotionally? Having children takes a lot out of you. You need someone who is going to be there for you emotionally, physically.... if he is going to play games and go back and forth, then you need to move on. If you can't work through it, then move on. It's time for both parties to grow up and start thinking about the baby. 

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  • aylacbwaylacbw
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    image 3222w27thst:
    I'm 23 and apart of me feels like your right but I keep praying one day he is going to prove me wrong

    Listen to him, and listen to us. He is not going to change. It is irresponsible and negligent on your part to stay with a man who obviously disrespects the mother of his child. Sorry to say, but you got yourself into this mess and you frankly sound a little delusional hoping that someday he will "prove you wrong". At a certain age and maturity, you should learn to recognize the red flags. He is showing you who he is, like Prim said. So listen.
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  • Pregnant or not pregnant, if your man is not treating you right then something needs to change. Change starts with you though...
  • image 3222w27thst:
    I'm 23 and apart of me feels like your right but I keep praying one day he is going to prove me wrong

    All this other BS he does is HIS problem, but your inability to see what its right in front of your face is YOUR problem. If it walks like a douche, talks like a douche and behaves like a douche, its a douche. Seriously, stop dreaming and wake up. You have a baby on the way. That baby deserves the best he/she can get. Is this moron the best? No. He's not going to change no matter how much you give him the opportunity. He doesn't want to change. He wants to do what he wants to do and have a fool of a woman put up with his BS. He wants to coast.

    Its time to think outside yourself and do right by that baby. Leave the idiot.  

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  • image 3222w27thst:
    I'm 23 and apart of me feels like your right but I keep praying one day he is going to prove me wrong
    And that's how the cycle continues...
    • Adopted DS #1- '05 
    • Adopted DS #2- '07
    • DS born August 1, 2011
    • DD born August 27, 2013

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  • Yes I would leave him.

    The person you fell in love with probably never existed.  It was an act, a scam a scheme.  This is who he really is.  Even when he got down on his knees and begged you to get back together again, that too was also an act.  You know the saying " Actions speak louder than words " ?  Well his actions are saying very clearly that he isn't the man that you and your baby need and deserve.  Let this one go, learn from this experience and next time wait a long time before getting serious and don't ignore red flags. 

  • relationships don't usually change and just get better without hard work. If he is a good man and respects you, but you have some issues, that is fine. If he is a disrespectful jerk that hurts you and stresses you out I'd walk......

    although I can't imagine going through a painful breakup pregnant. I wish you luck.  

  • image 3222w27thst:
    I'm 23 and apart of me feels like your right but I keep praying one day he is going to prove me wrong

    I wouldn't gamble with your and your daughter's future on the very slight chance he will prove you wrong.  It simply isn't worth it, especially since...ya know there are like 3 billion men in the world out there. 

  • scorchscorch
    1000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 5 Love Its
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    Dan Savage would say DTMFA.  Have enough love and respect for yourself to get out of this relationship.  
  • As hard as it might be to be without him (although it doesn't sound like a walk in the park when you're with him either), think about your baby.  You want to model that you are self-sufficient and respect yourself enough not to be in a bad relationship.  If you're this back-and-forth now, I imagine the stress of a baby will only add to that - think of the pain and confusion that will cause the baby as this man comes in and out of his/her life.  Think of the model that is setting them up for as they grow up and get into their own relationships.  Ultimately you have to follow your heart, but the fact that you're questioning it now speaks volumes.
  • Trying to "change" people doesn't work. The only way someone can really change is to want to change, and in that case they will just do it. It really is that simple.
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  • Please don't teach your daughter to settle for a man like this. You need to set a good example for her. 
  • He is not going to change.  Best advice is to leave and find someone who treats you the way you deserve to be treated.  There ARE nice MEN out there who want to treat you like a woman.  Sounds like you are deling with a little boy, you need a man.  The sad thing is, you are probably going to stay with this no matter what advice we give you and the only way you will be single is if he leaves you first.  Good luck.
  • From my own personal experience, I can tell you that if you've been together this long that he isn't going to change.  If you are not happy with who he is then you should not stay with him.  There are a lot of resources for a single mom.  And you'd be better off getting yourself set up now before your baby is here.  Whenever you doubt yourself, ask this question: If nothing changes, everyone stays the same, can I be happy in a relationship with him?  If the answer is no, you'll know you are doing the right thing.
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  • The only way you can "change" a guy is if he's in diaper. He's a douchebag and you and your LO deserve so much better. He is showing you his true self, he is NOT going to change! and come over to the single parents board too were pretty cool peeps< lol and we all know what it"s like to be going through a pregnancy alone or raising a child on your own
    Liliana Seraphina born 9/5/2103


  • I'm sorry you are having to deal with this situation...and needing extra love and support during pregnancy must make it that much more painful.

    I've been with my DH for almost 22 years from the time we were 16. My experience is that people are the way they are and won't likely change for anyone. The only time I've seen change in a relationship is when the love is deep and very genuine between the two people. This includes friends as well.

    I really hope that he realizes the hurt he's causing you and desires to change for the success of your relationship and for the baby you guys are blessed with.
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  • Don't have a relationship with someone intending to change them.
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  • If you are thinking you should be single, then you already have the answer. Leave him.

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  • esf60esf60
    2500 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its First Anniversary
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    image 3222w27thst:
    I'm 23 and apart of me feels like your right but I keep praying one day he is going to prove me wrong

    He's not going to prove you wrong. In fact, the older people get, the more they don't change. 

    It's the old myth that babies fixes relationships. Babies only magnify relationship problems. He doesn't sound ready to be a father, I'm sorry to say.

     
  • I think you already know what you should do. Everyone here has given you sound advice.

    I spent 4 years in a previous relationship. I sat and waited on someone else to realize what I was worth and to grow up. He never did. But I did. I realized what I was worth and that I wasn't valued at all.

    Now many years later, I am with a man that I don't have to wait on. When he fell in love with me he knew my worth and never missed a moment to show it to me.

    You deserve to be loved. You deserve to be valued. You deserve a man and not a child you have to raise, hoping he figures it out.

    It won't be easy. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done. But you should do it for yourself and for your child. Don't allow your child to see you drowned in a relationship were you are unloved and disrespected. Because that is what they will think love is and more than likely find themselves in the same place one day.

    Best.
  • Would you want your daughter to be with someone who treated her this way?
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  • I always look at it this way: What would you tell your best friend if she came to you with this exact situation?

    You have to look outside yourself and see what is really going on. Men don't change, especially the older they get. You are stuck in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. That wore off, this is who he really is.

    Leave now. Don't continue this endless cycle. It's not fair to your daughter or you. 

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  • image PrimRoseMama:

    image 3222w27thst:
    I'm 23 and apart of me feels like your right but I keep praying one day he is going to prove me wrong

    All this other BS he does is HIS problem, but your inability to see what its right in front of your face is YOUR problem. If it walks like a douche, talks like a douche and behaves like a douche, its a douche. Seriously, stop dreaming and wake up. You have a baby on the way. That baby deserves the best he/she can get. Is this moron the best? No. He's not going to change no matter how much you give him the opportunity. He doesn't want to change. He wants to do what he wants to do and have a fool of a woman put up with his BS. He wants to coast.

    Its time to think outside yourself and do right by that baby. Leave the idiot.  

    this exactly....Sounds like way too much work to be happy, just leave, don't second guess and focus on you and your baby. you deserve better and it shouldn't be like that.

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  • Leave him. If he wants to change, let him do it on his own time, don't stick around and wait. 
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  • image PrimRoseMama:

    How old are you?
    Why did you keep having sex with a douche?

    He's showing you exactly who he is and what will be if you stay with him. He's shown you over and over. Believe him and ditch him.  

    This.  

    He is flat out telling you he doesn't give a shiit with his actions.   

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  • It sounds like you were infatuated, never truly in love.  Infatuation is the staring at each other like nobody else is there, spending every moment together, being super passionate and only thinking of one another...love is truly caring for each other regardless of differences, showing each other respect, and both people putting forth equal effort to make things work.  Unfortunately a spark of infatuation can burn out really quickly if there's no love and commitment behind it...sounds like exactly what's happened to you.  I've been there before and it's not easy but you've really gotta let go and move on.  I really have no idea why you'd have let yourself get pregnant with someone you were having so many issues with...but now that you are what's most important is getting yourself together so you can take care of that baby in a good, safe, loving environment.  He is far too childish and immature to handle dealing with a kid...and a kid will absolutely not fix any relationship issues you have, in fact it will multiply them.  Fact is, he will probably treat her the way he treats you.  He'll continue to go out and not care, he'll continue to be mean and degrading, and he may even get nasty towards your daughter.  You can't fix someone who doesn't think they're doing anything wrong.  He'll say whatever the therapist needs to hear in order to get cleared, and then he'll go back to exactly what he was doing.  He's made that more than clear already.

    Trust me, one of my best friends has been going through the same thing.  Her highschool sweetheart who she'd been with for over a decade, they were living together.  He would go out every night sometimes disappearing for days on end without answering his phone not saying where he was, would talk about her behind her back calling her fat and ugly, he cheated on her multiple times, would yell at her, refused to say he loved her or wanted any commitment with her...she'd get so upset she gave herself stomach ulcers to the point of vomiting blood more than once, but she'd always say we just didn't understand how loving he could be and she just wanted to get that man back.  Despite being on birth control she got knocked up and then suddenly he was like "I love you, lets get married and i'll do better!  we can work this out!"...I was extremely skeptical but tried to be happy for her.  However it's become abundantly clear now that it was all a phase, he never really changed...still has no sense of priorities...still treats her like crap even though she lost a ton of weight, had his kid, works 40+ hours a week, does all the housework and cooking, and is going to school...its never going to change.  But she won't listen to anything anyone says, just convinces herself it's all fine and smiles for the world (immediately deleting the evidence any time she has a break down and feels like she wants to leave).

    That's not a life you want to live.  Please don't let it get to that point.

  • image 3222w27thst:
    I'm 23 and apart of me feels like your right but I keep praying one day he is going to prove me wrong

    He's not going to change into a different person.  Only you can decide what's right for you and yes, single-parenting is HARD.  But probably easier and healthier than being involved with an a$$ and setting a horrible example for your LO re healthy relationships.

    I'd also look into longer term BC after you deliver, as well as counseling to help with improving self-esteem.  Everyone deserves to be happy, healthy, and to be treated with respect. 

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