June 2013 Moms

Sense of Urgency?

My husband and I have had a semi-argument a couple times now... would love some outside perspective/advice.

It usually starts with the weekend slipping away and me wanting more to get done.  We are down to just a couple of projects before the house is DONE being fixed up.  Hubs and my dad worked on some final plumbing yesterday and today it's been spackling, tomorrow hopefully painting.  There are two rooms that need significant painting (ceiling and wall patch touch-ups).  He checked up on the spackle and said he thought he might need to finish it tomorrow and paint during the week.  This makes me nervous because working on the house after work doesn't usually happen, and I am 39 weeks on Thursday.

So I said, "You just can't count on any more time.  I don't feel like you get that.  We could be parents tomorrow for all I know."  I feel like he has this idea that the baby just magically won't come until we're done with our chores/prep.  

He then gets aggravated and tells me, "I feel like you want me to get upset or panic or something, and I'm just not going to do that."  I don't want him to get upset, but I want him to stop being so comfortable putting things off.  It's hard to even express what I want from him, but every fiber of my being is telling me to nest and get things ready.  I just wish he would get on board and stop acting like everything is business as usual.  

 I feel like there is a way to have a sense of urgency without panic/upset.  Am I crazy?  I really am not trying to get him to freak out, but I feel like I'm the only one who gets how much our lives are about to change.

 FWIW, I did say repeatedly that if we have the baby tomorrow, I get that this stuff won't be done and I'm okay with that.  Enough is done that we could hit the ground running with our baby boy.  I just think it'd be better if we did get things like the painting done.

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Re: Sense of Urgency?

  • skioskio
    5000 Comments 250 Answers Fifth Anniversary 250 Love Its
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    I think you're overreacting, and I say that in the nicest way possible. Things can get done as time permits; it sounds like he knows what he's doing and knows his limits.

    I understand that the nesting urge can be strong, but none of the things you mentioned sound like they NEED to be done before baby comes. And honestly, they can get done after, too. Your lives will not stop when the baby comes; there will be plenty of time to paint. Take a deep breath and relax, mama!
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  • That can be so frustrating, I feel like my DH and I are like this. Even when I'm not this pregnant and nesting, I'm a get it done now kind of person and DH...well, not so much. Have you tried telling him that for you it makes you anxious and stresses you out to not have these things done, and that the best thing he can do to keep you calm and feeling prepared is to get as much of that stuff done as possible? I know it helps my DH understand when I put it in terms of what it will do for my peace of mind as I prepare to bring a human into this world. And you're right, it will be fine if you have the baby today and it all doesn't get done beforehand, but it certainly helps me feel better!
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  • I think you need to calm down a little. Maybe at this point since you have so few things left to do it would be a good idea to just hire someone to finish the work.

    Take a deep breath and relax.


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  • This exact same thing is happening in my house. Nesting and hormones can be a beastly combination. I will be going crazy because we don't have door stoppers screwed into the walls or something, while DH plays video games, and then I feel panicky as well. I'm glad there are people here who have given good advice, because I don't have any!
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  • I feel the same way. We just moved last month, so there have been random projects we have been working on. I just want to get it all done and finished and my dh doesn't get why I am in such a hurry. Yes, baby doesn't need for the house projects to be finished, but we won't have as much time after he's born and I just want it all done and perfect!
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  • image KentuckyKate:
    This exact same thing is happening in my house. Nesting and hormones can be a beastly combination. I will be going crazy because we don't have door stoppers screwed into the walls or something, while DH plays video games, and then I feel panicky as well. I'm glad there are people here who have given good advice, because I don't have any!

     Oh man... I hear you on the video games!  The thing is, there aren't many things I can do myself at this point.  I already vacuumed, I am cooking meals to freeze tomorrow, Tuesday, and Wednesday.  If I could mulch the garden, I would have done it by now.  

    I do appreciate the 'take a deep breath' advice.  I know it will be okay if it doesn't get done.  I promise, I'm not freaking out on him.  We haven't yelled about it.  I just think we're both frustrated.  He wants me to trust him to get it done.  I want his reassurance that it's a priority for him, too.  Hm... maybe that's how I should put it.

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  • YakutYakut
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    Similar stuff is going on with us. I'm 36+2 and I *JUST* got him to help me put the crib together today and rearrange the furniture in our room to accommodate it, after weeks and weeks of trying. The rest of the room was still in chaos (boxes, etc. everywhere) and he said, "OK, we're done here, right? We're all ready?" Tongue Tied I said, "um..." and looked at all of our boxes and piles of stuff and he got upset. But we're supposedly going to get it done before we go to sleep tonight.

    I think anticipating LO coming is stressing him into inertia at the same time I'm seriously experiencing nesting but can't move furniture around for obvious reasons. I'm also usually the handy...person around the house, and he still feels like he has to be The Man and do it all, even when it's stuff that I can handle more easily (like fiddling with Ikea screws). He confessed after we put the crib together that he was terrified that he wouldn't be able to do it, and I don't want to put thoughts in his head but I think he may be worried about that on a more general scale.

  • I have no idea why you are mad. I read you statement a few times just to check. Sounds like everythibg he is doing needs drying time. You cant speed that up. I understand it is frustrating. We have redone a bathroom, A basement, built a shed, and painted two rooms since BFP. It will happen when time permits.
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  • We have a fixer upper home and things get done when they get done. If this is your first, I really wouldn't worry too much. You'd be surprised how much you can do with one child. I'm amazed at how much we've done with three kids.
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  • mel1987mel1987
    Fourth Anniversary
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    I don't have a crib for this LO, no diapers or wipes in my house, still need to put the clean baby clothes in her drawers. Im being induced Wednesday. ... so your husband seems to have a way better sense of urgency than me, lol!
  • I feel you. I think it's hard because I want to be able to do everything myself and when I have to depend on somebody else, like my husband, it's really frustrating. Lately I've just been overcome by this sense of "we need to do this NOW" and, rational or not, it's important to me that he at least hears me and acknowledges that there's a list that needs to be checked off. In return, I try to step back from my freakish nesting and let him have some down time, which I know he really needs.

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  • image Corleyrae:
    I have no idea why you are mad. I read you statement a few times just to check. Sounds like everythibg he is doing needs drying time. You cant speed that up. I understand it is frustrating. We have redone a bathroom, A basement, built a shed, and painted two rooms since BFP. It will happen when time permits.

     Sorry... I wasn't really clear.  It's that he stops working if one job hits a wall.   Spackle needs to dry, so I won't paint the other room or hang the pictures.  Then he gets annoyed with me for moving to those other things on the to-do list.

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  • image TchrKate:

    image Corleyrae:
    I have no idea why you are mad. I read you statement a few times just to check. Sounds like everythibg he is doing needs drying time. You cant speed that up. I understand it is frustrating. We have redone a bathroom, A basement, built a shed, and painted two rooms since BFP. It will happen when time permits.

     Sorry... I wasn't really clear.  It's that he stops working if one job hits a wall.   Spackle needs to dry, so I won't paint the other room or hang the pictures.  Then he gets annoyed with me for moving to those other things on the to-do list.



    I think I read your responses, but have you tried offering him a hand? Can you at least mark on the wall where the nails should go if its large picture frames? Or if they're small just doing it yourself?

    When my husband stops a job, I just do what I can myself. Even if that means buying a small can of of no or low VOC paint to touch up the walls. I know you already have the paint but if he's stalling, it may be easier to color match a small can and do it yourself.
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  • DH is like this. Not even with house stuff just in general. IE - I ask him to do the dishes and he waits until I either nag him or he feels like getting around to it. In the end, he does what needs to be done and what I ask of him. I try to let him do it on his time and not nag.

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    CJ 05/29/2013

  • VASCVASC
    250 Answers 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Anniversary
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    I'm feeling similar thoughts of urgency....except they're about my husband's final chapter of his dissertation, which is just pages away from being finished.  Obviously I can't help him with that, so I just have to sit on my hands and hope it gets done.
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  • I don't have any advice but I would totally be annoyed at my husband in your situation. I agree with pps that it's not a huge deal that it's not done but it would still drive me nuts that they aren't all done before the baby.
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  • I can relate. I am the type of person, pregnant or not, that always wants to do stuff to improve our fixer-upper home. I want everything done with the house, but it requires time and money. My DH is fine with taking time to get things done, and it is good that he is more laid back, because we'd be in major debt if we did all these projects at once. I think as a FTM I just want EVERYTHING to be perfect in time for baby, even though the baby doesn't care if we have finished the landscaping or have a house that is completely cleaned, decorated, etc. If certain things don't get done before the baby comes, they will get done eventually!


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  • I think this is a personality thing. Like a lot of people wrote, I am the type, who, once I'm motivated can stay up till odd hours of the night finishing a work quote or hobby project or house project. When we were moving last year, he would give up on packing at 9pm and I'd be up still packing at 1am. My husband is not that way. He has his strengths and wonderful things about his personality but that's not one of them. On a side note, he is usually more efficient than I am so it equals out.
  • DH is currently sanding and refinishing the stairs. We've had projects on the go for months and lately it's driving me absolutely crazy and ill get snotty with him. But I know he's working as hard as he can. Cant expect the man to work at work and then spend every waking hour working. I just really want everything ready for baby.

  • image TchrKate:

    image Corleyrae:
    I have no idea why you are mad. I read you statement a few times just to check. Sounds like everythibg he is doing needs drying time. You cant speed that up. I understand it is frustrating. We have redone a bathroom, A basement, built a shed, and painted two rooms since BFP. It will happen when time permits.

     Sorry... I wasn't really clear.  It's that he stops working if one job hits a wall.   Spackle needs to dry, so I won't paint the other room or hang the pictures.  Then he gets annoyed with me for moving to those other things on the to-do list.

    Ok.. so he isn't moving around to various projects and not "wrapping one up" he just plain stops? UGH... ok.. that would be annoying. Try to do what you can then I guess.

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  • DH and I are like this. We don't have any projects left but lots of cleaning. I think it's just hormones and nesting that is doing this to us.

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  • I agree that you're over reacting.

    Take it easy while you still can. It's not a big deal if some things aren't done before baby gets here.

    Also, it's better to do all of the house stuff properly than to rush.
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  • jefkjefk
    250 Answers 250 Love Its 500 Comments Name Dropper
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    We had the same argument today. I want to do all the things now, and DH doesn't feel the same sense of urgency. If the baby were to come tomorrow we'd be fine, but it makes me nervous that every little thing isn't done. DH really has been working his tail off to get ready though, and I'm making it a point to show my appreciation.
  • jennOKjennOK
    250 Answers 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Third Anniversary
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    I'm the type of person who works good on a deadline and gets things done. My husband wouldn't care if stuff sat around forever and never got finished. I have learned to be much more patient, but there are some things that still have to be completed. I pick my battles. I understand where you are coming from though.
  • sctigersctiger
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its
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    I know how frustrating house projects are.  We are doing renovations to our house right now.  H is doing almost everything himself, so it's slow going, and my Type A, everything-has-to-be-done-right-now self has had to accept that.  Everything we need for Amelia is done and there is nothing else we have to do before she gets here to be ready for her. 

    H has been working like mad the past few weeks to get as much done as possible, but I'm okay if it's not done.  I think house renovations are tough, and sometimes you need to just relax and know that it will get done, just maybe not on your timeline.

    It's okay to vent and be frustrated.  Good luck to you as you get it finished!

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  • We have been going through this too, and I think it's more to do with our personalities (type A for me, type B for him...) than even having a baby. We spent the entire weekend ripping up old, dirty carpet that my MIL's pets peed all over, and now we're working on laying a new floor. I know it's more important to me that this gets done before the baby comes, so I just try to thank him over and over for helping me get things done. I really appreciate his help, and even when he's doing a not-great job of staying focused on the task, I know he appreciates the recognition.
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  • Meh, it's not like you can't do things after baby arrives. I get that your nesting instinct is in overdrive, and that's totally valid. But life does go on although at a less productive pace after baby is born. I promise
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  • Faith7Faith7
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    Wow, it really helps to know I'm not the only one.  My husband and I came the closest we've ever come to a fight this morning about this very thing.

    The first issue is the fact that he seems to be the victim of a million circumstances which just refuse to line themselves up into the perfect conditions for the nursery to be built.  My idea is to MAKE IT HAPPEN no matter what the circumstances choose to do with themselves.  This is pretty much how I see most things in my life.  He calls me stubborn.

    The second issue is that of communication.  If he would tell me clearly not to plan on this or that getting done unless these seven circumstances can be arranged, I could deal with that.  I would figure out how to manage.  Instead he just lets it drag out, with vague little nonspecific comments about what might happen.  He refuses to be specific or take a stand, and I feel like I've been misled.

    I think they're symptoms of a much bigger clash of personalities.  I believe that these differences can become a strength as a couple if we learn to use them together in appropriate ways.  Instead, we're just pulling against each other right now and it's so frustrating because now, more than ever, I really need us to be on the same page.

    And I need a nursery.  

    And I really, really need to feel like I can trust my husband, which is not happening right now.  I'm so tempted to pull away inside and tell myself that I'll not make this mistake again; I'll take care of what I need, thank you very much, and he can play his **** video game.  But--gosh!--what a horrible way to live!

    I think it's going to be a while before we figure out how to manage this difference appropriately. 

  • image Faith7:

    Wow, it really helps to know I'm not the only one.  My husband and I came the closest we've ever come to a fight this morning about this very thing.

    The first issue is the fact that he seems to be the victim of a million circumstances which just refuse to line themselves up into the perfect conditions for the nursery to be built.  My idea is to MAKE IT HAPPEN no matter what the circumstances choose to do with themselves.  This is pretty much how I see most things in my life.  He calls me stubborn.

    The second issue is that of communication.  If he would tell me clearly not to plan on this or that getting done unless these seven circumstances can be arranged, I could deal with that.  I would figure out how to manage.  Instead he just lets it drag out, with vague little nonspecific comments about what might happen.  He refuses to be specific or take a stand, and I feel like I've been misled.

    I think they're symptoms of a much bigger clash of personalities.  I believe that these differences can become a strength as a couple if we learn to use them together in appropriate ways.  Instead, we're just pulling against each other right now and it's so frustrating because now, more than ever, I really need us to be on the same page.

    And I need a nursery.  

    And I really, really need to feel like I can trust my husband, which is not happening right now.  I'm so tempted to pull away inside and tell myself that I'll not make this mistake again; I'll take care of what I need, thank you very much, and he can play his **** video game.  But--gosh!--what a horrible way to live!

    I think it's going to be a while before we figure out how to manage this difference appropriately. 

    At least you recognize your strengths and weaknesses as a couple. That's definitely a step in the right direction. 

    image


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