February 2013 Moms

Fussing it out vs. Crying it out

Please settle a little debate DH and I are having by little I mean big and by debate I mean fight. He'll let DD fuss it out for 45 minutes before he checks on her. Hard core fussing with intermittent cries maybe one cry a minute and then she'll be quiet for 1020 seconds then starts up again. He says that sometimes she'll do this and the fall back to sleep on her on.

I think he should intervene sooner. To me the fussing sounds like she's sad. I personally can't stand to let her go like that and I don't want to accidentally let her CIO. DH thinks I am overreacting as he always does when it comes to DD and he refuses to intervene soonerwe've had some very heated arguments about this.

I feel like this fussing falls into a gray area between fussing and crying. What do you think? Also if you do think I'm right how do I convince him to intervene sooner?

Re: Fussing it out vs. Crying it out

  • I think there is a difference between fussing and crying. Sometimes if DD is just fussing, I'll let her go for a few minutes. But if it goes on past that or turns into crying, I go in to soothe her. IMO, 45 minutes is way too long even for fussing.

    I don't necessarily think that is uncommon among men though... my DH often will want to go in even before I do if DD is fussing, but I have a friend whose H would let their son CIO for like, an hour. And I know he was less than 6 months old, maybe even less than 4 months. I would have BIG problems if my H did that. But I think maybe some men truly think it's okay and don't understand that babies can't soothe themselves very well.

    As far as convincing him to see otherwise, maybe let him read the responses to this thread or do some of your own research and show him articles about CIO. That way he sees that it's not just you "overreacting."

    PCOS with long, irregular cycles
    First round of Clomid in May 2012= BFP #1, DD born January 2013 
    BFP #2 in January 2014, DS born September 2014

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  • IMO there really no right or wrong in this case. Can you have a frank but calm discussion with your H and just let him know that you don't feel comfortable letting her fuss. Explain that it makes you feel really anxious and sad. You could also tell him that you may be willing to revisit the idea when she's older but you think she's to young for that right now. 

    My DH and I disagree about this as well. He thinks we should let DS CIO and I'm not into CIO methods. I just put my foot down and told him I'm not comfortable with it. That's that. 

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  • image kleigh926:

    I think there is a difference between fussing and crying. Sometimes if DD is just fussing, I'll let her go for a few minutes. But if it goes on past that or turns into crying, I go in to soothe her. IMO, 45 minutes is way too long even for fussing.

    i also agree with this.  

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  • kitevkitev
    250 Love Its 500 Comments Second Anniversary First Answer
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    Are you me? Is your husband mine? We got into a pretty heated argument about this just last night.
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  • image kbates85:
    image kleigh926:

    I think there is a difference between fussing and crying. Sometimes if DD is just fussing, I'll let her go for a few minutes. But if it goes on past that or turns into crying, I go in to soothe her. IMO, 45 minutes is way too long even for fussing.

    i also agree with this.  

     

    I agree with these ladies. I'll let him fuss for 5-10 minutes tops. Anything after that is just going to make it harder to calm him down. Also who knows maybe he's woken up and fussing because a diaper is wet or they are just uncomfortable and they can't move themselves well enough yet to change it.

     

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  • image bustdstuff:
    image kbates85:
    image kleigh926:

    I think there is a difference between fussing and crying. Sometimes if DD is just fussing, I'll let her go for a few minutes. But if it goes on past that or turns into crying, I go in to soothe her. IMO, 45 minutes is way too long even for fussing.

    i also agree with this.  

    I agree with these ladies. I'll let him fuss for 5-10 minutes tops. Anything after that is just going to make it harder to calm him down. Also who knows maybe he's woken up and fussing because a diaper is wet or they are just uncomfortable and they can't move themselves well enough yet to change it.

    Yep. 45 minutes is way too long. He doesn't get it because he doesn't have the mother instinct. That's not his fault, but it does mean he needs to listen to you and recognize your views on this are valid, not just "overreactions."

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  • Yep, same issue over here. My husband believes our little guy can just cry it out and fuss whenever. I admit that I'm a bit overprotective so I think it somewhat balances me out. It frustrates me though and there is no Channing his mind, we just agree to disagree. I'm the primary caregiver most the time so I win! 
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  • 45 minutes is a long time...not to mention, neither of you is sleeping while you are listening to him fuss for 45 minutes!

    My fussing limit is 20 minutes, for my own sanity more than anything.  I believe in letting them fuss, so they learn to put themselves back to sleep between sleep cycles, but I'm selfish and want my sleep too.  He's never put himself back to sleep after 20 minutes either, so that is my sign that it's time for mommy to get her butt out of bed.  Yes, sometimes there are little cries mixed in, but the nurse that hosts our Mommy group actually told us that until they are out and out crying, they are okay.

    Your feelings are valid, and I think you both can compromise a little.  Unless DH is getting up with him, I don't see why he cares so much.  You can explain that it's helpful to both your rest and your baby's if you get to him sooner, and those are equally important!

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  • I agree with PPs, that it is a personal choice, but definitely one you and your husband want to be on the same page on. I do let DS fuss it out, but for no more than 10 minutes. Sometimes when he wakes up from short naps, he will put himself back to sleep if I wait a bit also. There is a distinct difference in the sounds of his fussing and the sounds of his full on upsets, so I know when it's time to intervene. FWIW, I do think that 45 minutes is a long time for fussing.
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  • khazekhaze
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    If there are tears it's no longer fussing and your baby is looking for its mom/dad. 45 minutes is not fussing it out its just your baby becoming too exhausted to cry for what she needs. If you're not sleep training, I would intervene at any crying.

    Declan 2.21.2013
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  • I agree with the majority of moms here and say i let her go 10 minutes tops for any fussing or crying. If they are going to soothe themselves, it will most likely be within the first couple minutes, not after 40 minutes! Anything longer than 10 minutes would just get my LO worked up even more and make it harder to calm her down.
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  • I am fine with letting my LO fuss for a little bit, but I am not quite sure the point of 45 minute fussing. If I want LO to go back down for a nap/sleep, and it takes him more than 5-10 minutes, then it isn't helping any of us. I am awake, DH is awake, LO is awake and not happy. For me it is a win/win/win for one of us to go in and comfort LO until he goes back to sleep.

    Usually this takes about 5-10 minutes depending on what is going on. Sometimes longer. But at least one person gets to sleep during that time.

    My ped. says to listen to 'Mom instinct' when it comes to crying/fussing. It is there for a reason and if your body is telling you to 'go to your baby' then you should probably go. (I know this doesn't work for everyone, but this advice is how we do things around our house & why I love my ped....!)  

    LO born Feb 2010 & Feb 2013
    MMC at 12 weeks March 2012


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  • For those who are in disagreement about whether to even go for a CIO method... Both parents have to be 100% committed to it to work in my understanding.  Otherwise it doesn't even work because one parent won't follow t he same rules and the baby won't learn it anyway.  So if one of you isn't okay with it, you can let hem know it won't work.  Not sure where I read this but its probably somewhere on google.
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