February 2012 Moms

Am I being unreasonable? My new BMB thinks so...

Okay guys--I got torn up on my new BMB this morning for being unreasonble and ridiculous for the following post.  Please tell me that you understand where my frustration level is coming from...

On Wednesday, our nany called at about 7AM and said she was not going to come in that day because she had "bronchitis" and had been feeling crappy all yesterday (when she was watching our daughter).   I said that was fine, scrambled for childcare and went to work.

She texted me at about 9:15 PM that evening and said she was still feeling crappy and coughing alot, so she needed to stay at home Thursday, too. I was irritated at the late notice, but found more childcare, and got through yesterday. Last night, I called her to see how she was feeling and she said she was feeling better and would come today.

This morning, she texted and said she needed to stay at home one more day because she was still feeling bad. Then, our 15 month old woke up with a 103.5 degree fever. I immediately called the nanny and asked her if when she was saying "bronchitis," if she really meant she had a fever. Turns out, she had had fevers all this week, but just hadn't thought to mention that rather important detail to me.  I have told her before to never come to work sick, and pay her full days when she is sick--so I can't imagine what incentive she would have to keep "trying" to come to work and failing to mention the fever to me...  Total breakdown in communication.

So, now I have a baby with a 103.5 fever, I have been kissing all over her and sharing meals with her for the last few days, and now I will probably get sick, too, which freaks me out because the new autism and mental health study that showed any fever during pregnancy greatly raised the risk of having children with autism or other developmental disorders. Great.

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Re: Am I being unreasonable? My new BMB thinks so...

  • I don't think you're being unreasonable, especially if you are offering to pay her full days for NOT coming in sick. That is really generous! She shouldn't be coming into work sick, especially when she is working with kids. That would frustrate me, too, because my health is at stake as well. For you being pregnant, it's not like you can take many medications for being sick! Tylenol sure, but no Sudafed, Nyquil, etc. I'm sorry you're dealing with this :(

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  • I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your sitter should have just called out for the whole week while she recovered.  If she had just been up front about it you maybe could have arranged alternate plans for the whole week versus scrambling each morning.  I wouldn't worry about yourself getting a fever and your child having autism though.  Just keep ahead of the fever and take medicine to prevent it from getting too high.

     

     

  • Mar5195Mar5195
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
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    I don't think you are being unreasonable.

    I have a big issue with people who come to work sick.  Stay at home and get well.  I'd rather pick up the slack than have to suffer and be sick.

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  • Definitely not being unreasonable.  I hate when sick people are around my daughter, especially when I find out they were sick after the fact.  Could it be the FTMs that are having issues with you who really don't know how sucky it is to have a sick child at home and haven't had to deal with this first hand yet?

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  • I think you are perfectly reasonable with the nanny part.  I do think that the autism/fever while pregnant thing was what they may have jumped on though...that seems a little alarmist but that is just me.

    I would be pissed if my DCP didn't tell me she was sick...actually, I am a bit mad at my DCP because some of the pre-school kids have/had Fifths Disease (sp?) and she didn't notify us.  But that is another story for another day.

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  • My nanny has tried to come in sick once before - she is PT so we don't do sick leave. In our area it is a fairly standard benefit according to posters on a local nanny forum (who are known to grossly exaggerate their benefits, of course). Instead since I work flexible hours I tend to shift hours so that she gets full pay and I don't have to find backup care.

    I had to send her home for a fever .  She told me - and I believe her - that the reason she was mad about it is because she missed playing with DD. What did your nanny say when you asked her? I certainly wouldn't consider coming in with a fever a firing offense for a nanny, but I would and have been ticked and I'd clarify again the "don't come in sick" policy.

    I think what your new BMB is missing is just how much a baby with a fever impacts everyone's life.  A sick baby is miserable, makes your life challenging, doesn't sleep well so nobody can sleep, and so on and so on.  The FTMs over there don't know that yet. 

    I will say that if I were you I would be trying not to freak out about the fever risk to you based on the new study, though. You're aware of the possibility and can be proactive in taking fever reducers to keep your temperature down. I realize if it were me I would be freaking out, so I know it's easier said than done, but the past is the past now. 

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  • I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. Before I had Emma, I didn't fully understand how frustrating and heartbreaking it is to see your baby sick. My thought was always, "Babies get sick, they live, it's okay." but now that I have Emma I get pissed at anyone who comes around her while they're sick. Maybe the majority of your group doesn't fully understand how frustrating it can be to have a sick baby, when it could have been prevented. I would be just as frustrated as you, too. The fever while pregnant thing would also make me very uneasy as well. I wouldn't worry about your bmb, I have found that since being part of 2 different bmb's besides 212, that the majority don't have children yet tend to be more judgy and less understanding. I hate to be "that" person, but they'll understand once their LO gets here, just how frustrating it is to have someone come around with a fever and share it with your child. Don't worry Sooner, 212 understands! (:


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  • lancyjolancyjo
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    Ask them this again when all of your babies are 15 months old. I bet you get a different response. ::mobile winky face::

    You're definitely not being unreasonable.
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  • image pinkshades05:

    I don't think you're being unreasonable, especially if you are offering to pay her full days for NOT coming in sick. That is really generous! She shouldn't be coming into work sick, especially when she is working with kids. That would frustrate me, too, because my health is at stake as well. For you being pregnant, it's not like you can take many medications for being sick! Tylenol sure, but no Sudafed, Nyquil, etc. I'm sorry you're dealing with this :(

     

    all of this. Sorry you are dealing with this situation!  

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  • MollySmMollySm
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    I don't think you are being unreasonable. That sounds incredibly frustrating.  I don't ever call out from work, I just call them, tell them what I have/all of my symptoms, and then they decide if they want me around the girls or not.  That's always been the case for me, and it works well.  I have to watch Lucia no matter how sick I am feeling, so I don't mind the same being true for the girls.  The reality of it is that we are usually contagious before we start to show symptoms, so they will likely catch what Lucia or I have regardless of taking days off, but she should still give you all of the information.

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  • image lancyjo:
    Ask them this again when all of your babies are 15 months old. I bet you get a different response. ::mobile winky face:: You're definitely not being unreasonable.

    I agree with Lancy. I rarely post on Oct13 because there are a number of obnoxious FTM that have strong opinions and no experience to back it up. We were all there once, but it is frustrating to be called out by people who do not know what you are talking about. There are a few STM's who are great over there, but they are few and far between. The rest of them just like a reason to snark. This is why I stick with my 212 ladies :)

    BTW Sooner, have you/will you be finding out the sex of #2? 


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  • image Favority:

    image lancyjo:
    Ask them this again when all of your babies are 15 months old. I bet you get a different response. ::mobile winky face:: You're definitely not being unreasonable.

    I agree with Lancy. I rarely post on Oct13 because there are a number of obnoxious FTM that have strong opinions and no experience to back it up. We were all there once, but it is frustrating to be called out by people who do not know what you are talking about. There are a few STM's who are great over there, but they are few and far between. The rest of them just like a reason to snark. This is why I stick with my 212 ladies :)

    BTW Sooner, have you/will you be finding out the sex of #2? 

    Considering most of the  people that responded to that post already have kids your idea of obnoxious FTM's is moot. They have experience with children so I'm sure they do know what they are talking about.

     

    Sooner - I can see why you're upset with your nanny. While you left out some details in your original post (how you've explained to your nanny about fevers, your actual response to her, ect.), you clearly stated your case in responding to everyone and from what I saw, didn't back pedal.

    BUT - I think the whole "OMG - I was loving on my kid with a 103.5 fever and now my unborn child is going to have autism" is what really made me roll my eyes. You aren't even sick and your upset at your nanny for exposing your unborn child to autism. It's a HUGE reach and I think your irrationally upset for nothing.

    I know we aren't friends and hardly see eye to eye on things, but I don't see why they got on your case about being upset at your nanny.

     

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  • I also want to add that I have noticed a lot on TB, mainly on BMBs before they've had babies, people tend to rip into each other for little things. It drives me crazy. I don't want all puppies and rainbows, but I don't think it is necessary it be so completely rude. I think a few of the women were ridiculously rude for absolutely no reason. 


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  • Ditch those bishes and talk with us about your pregnancy!  It wasn't sooo long ago that all our advice is outdated....I think being annoyed is totally on point, and I would be super clear (nice but crystal clear) with the nanny.  My only other thought is....if you know anyone sick has been around DD or you, just act as if they were fevered and plague carrying.  I going into super germophobe mode when sickish people are about, you might actually find some peace of mind in that.

    And on the fevers...I was sick three times with DD2 - 105 fever was the highest - the other two were up around 102, 103.  I was super stressed and it killed my immune system.  She's perfectly fine and is 5.5, and has been autism screened to make sure she isn't high functioning.  They decided she's just really smart and independent.  So put that worry out of your head!  Not a THING you can do about it.

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  • Aww...thank you guys so much!  You actually have made me feel so much better!  I might actually be a little teary reading your responses!

    And JLDubb...the whole autism/fever link was just one sentence in my original post, and it was just something that was on my mind this morning because I read that stuff and try to take care of myself, and then as soon as she woke up this morning so feverish, I was thinking about how many times this week I finished up the other half of her quesadilla after she had finished with dinner, or how many times she drank a drink of my water, and how many sloppy open-mouthed kisses she had given me in the past few days.  Of course I am not going to stop loving on her when she has been exposed to something--but since I am pregnant, I probably wouldn't have shared food and drinks with her if I knew there was a good chance that she had been exposed for several days in a row to some apparently nasty virus.  And all I really wanted was just a head's up and an "I'm out until further notice because I have a fever."  Not the vague references to "coughing" and "I think I can come in tomorrow because I am feeling a little better" stuff.

    That is all--it really was just a total vent and not intended to be anything more than that.  I just couldn't deal with the totally unexpected responses.

    If you guys don't mind, I think I will just post here more.  Like Favority said, I don't think I have met a single person on that new board that I feel any connection with. 

    And for anyone who was wondering, we found out the other day that we are having a little boy!  Ahh!! I know nothing about boy things, so please educate me on everything! :)

  • image sooner1981:

    And JLDubb...the whole autism/fever link was just one sentence in my original post, and it was just something that was on my mind this morning because I read that stuff and try to take care of myself, and then as soon as she woke up this morning so feverish, I was thinking about how many times this week I finished up the other half of her quesadilla after she had finished with dinner, or how many times she drank a drink of my water, and how many sloppy open-mouthed kisses she had given me in the past few days.  Of course I am not going to stop loving on her when she has been exposed to something--but since I am pregnant, I probably wouldn't have shared food and drinks with her if I knew there was a good chance that she had been exposed for several days in a row to some apparently nasty virus.  And all I really wanted was just a head's up and an "I'm out until further notice because I have a fever."  Not the vague references to "coughing" and "I think I can come in tomorrow because I am feeling a little better" stuff.

    Like I said, I can understand why you're upset with your nanny about being vauge/not up front with the fever, especially since you have stated you told her your strict policy on fevers. I was just stating that the only thing I could see in your original OP that was side-eye worthy/a reason to disagree with you is your reference to the autism post because you tied that information into another reason why you were upset with her.

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  • image sooner1981:

    And for anyone who was wondering, we found out the other day that we are having a little boy!  Ahh!! I know nothing about boy things, so please educate me on everything! :)

    Congrats on a sweet little boy!  


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  • image Favority:
    image sooner1981:

    And for anyone who was wondering, we found out the other day that we are having a little boy!  Ahh!! I know nothing about boy things, so please educate me on everything! :)

    Congrats on a sweet little boy!  

    Thanks!  We are super pumped--although I also thought it would have been so much fun for C to have a sister to grow up with.  With babies, you really can't go wrong! :) 

    Do you know what you are having yet?!

  • Boys are SOOOOO fun.  They really ARE different from girls.  They really DO love love love Mom in a totally different, consuming way and it's so mutual. 

    After two girls, and even expecting it and trying to prevent it, I was still shocked when DS peed in my face.  This should go on the FFFC, but I wiped off my face and hair, and as I had just had a shower and another was not happening, went on with my day.

     

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  • image 2chatter:

    Boys are SOOOOO fun.  They really ARE different from girls.  They really DO love love love Mom in a totally different, consuming way and it's so mutual. 

    After two girls, and even expecting it and trying to prevent it, I was still shocked when DS peed in my face.  This should go on the FFFC, but I wiped off my face and hair, and as I had just had a shower and another was not happening, went on with my day.

     

    LOVE IT!  That is too funny.  The things we do that we probably always thought we would never do.  I didn't wash my hair this morning.  I am on day 3.5 of no hair washing.  Just couldn't deal with that on top of a sick kid.  So, yeah...gross.  But that's life.

  • image sooner1981:
    image Favority:
    image sooner1981:

    And for anyone who was wondering, we found out the other day that we are having a little boy!  Ahh!! I know nothing about boy things, so please educate me on everything! :)

    Congrats on a sweet little boy!  

    Thanks!  We are super pumped--although I also thought it would have been so much fun for C to have a sister to grow up with.  With babies, you really can't go wrong! :) 

    Do you know what you are having yet?!

    Doc is 75% sure it is a baby girl, but kiddo was so active she couldn't get a good shot. They will double check at my A/S in 2 weeks. I had this same problem with E, couldn't get a good shot because she was so wild... She still is lol.


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  • Not unreasonable at all.

    J has gotten sick a few times from his babysitter and her kids, and I was incredibly annoyed each time that she didn't do more to prevent it, or didn't let us know until it was too late (after we'd shown up at her house), so we could keep him home.

    Risk of autism/ developmental disorders is a very touchy subject. I have found that as soon as someone includes the word autism in their post, unless they are talking about a child who is definitely diagnosed, the internet jumps on it.

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  • jja0812jja0812
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    I totally understand. Bronchitis does not equal fever... and just because there are some ailments that cause you to have both at the same time, you should not be expected to assume that someone has one just because they have the other. Really it's just the combination of all factors that I would find annoying, as I'm sure is the case for you, too. Fingers crossed C feels well soon and you don't get sick at all!

    And, hey! Congrats on the boy! I have to say I LOVE being Mama to a little boy.
  • Congrats on the baby boy!!

    I've actually heard about there being a relationship between getting sick during pregnancy and autism. This was 5 to 6 years ago and I hadn't heard much since. I don't think one fever is going to "cause autism," but I totally agree with you, sooner, that its a good reminder to take care if ourselves during pregnancy!

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  • Congrats on a boy! They really are a blast!!
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  • I want to hear more about the study on the autism/ fever link. Do you know in which journal it was published?
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  • image klutzygrl26:
    I want to hear more about the study on the autism/ fever link. Do you know in which journal it was published?

     

    It was in Pediatrics, and I think it was published at the end of the year.   Very interesting research and a fairly-significant sample size/controls.

  • image MrMrsandBaby:

    I think you are perfectly reasonable with the nanny part.  I do think that the autism/fever while pregnant thing was what they may have jumped on though...that seems a little alarmist but that is just me.

    This. 

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  • Yay, glad to see you back here, hope you mean it when you say you'll post more - it's been so dead lately!

    And congrats on the little boy - now you get to experience the best (and worst) of both worlds! :)

    As for your post, honestly I don't even have a clue what they could have jumped all over you on because nothing in there seems even remotely inflammatory!! 

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  • image bethanyturon:

    Yay, glad to see you back here, hope you mean it when you say you'll post more - it's been so dead lately!

    And congrats on the little boy - now you get to experience the best (and worst) of both worlds! :)

    As for your post, honestly I don't even have a clue what they could have jumped all over you on because nothing in there seems even remotely inflammatory!! 

    It has been dead lately--that was why I was trying my hand with a new BMB.  But I just don't think I belong over there!

    I need to see an updated picture of your little girl--she is such a cutie!

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