April 2013 Moms

Who's husbands help them!?!

With night time duties???

I realize most of us aren't working, and I'm guessing many of us are in my same situation where our husbands are.... So I'm curious;

Does your DH help you in the overnight even though he has to get up for work?

Sleep deprivation is ruining me. DH sits and watches me fall apart and yet won't do anything to help me in the overnight. All I need is one night to sleep more than four hours for the first time in two months and I would be like a new person and probably be good for another month or so.... But no; my husband doesn't move, ever. I am BFing, but we all know the song and dance he could do the diaper change, or put her back down after I feed her especially since this is frequently a big challenge..... I get a nap in the AM before he goes to work, and it's the only consistent good sleep I get.... I shouldn't have to wait until 6 am every night to get some dependable sleep, yet in his eyes he's doing more than his part with this set up. I admit this arrangement worked great for the first month..... Now, after an entire second month where LO is still not sleeping consistently, I am totally overtired and its not enough for me.

I've mentioned to him on two occasions that I needed help....and we needed to reevaluate and nothing has changed. Needless to say I am fed up.

So what's the system in your house? Enlighten me! Maybe I can learn from you ladies, or maybe you can talk me off the ledge.

I'd also like to add that DH had the energy to read until about 1230 tonightbut couldn't help me get DD to sleep.... And she's been up every hour since 1030 it's now 130......like her mom, she is also overtired.... Cries and falls asleep every time I pick her up but won't give me more than an hour each time I put her in the bassinet...:not fun.

"I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I"m still looking up."
TTC #1 since August 2011 MFI Diagnosis - April 2012
IVF #1 - July 2012 - Stims start 7/2, ER 7/12, 20 retrieved, 16 mature, 13 fertilized!
ET - 7/17 - 1 blast transferred. Beta - 7/26 273, Beta 2 7/30 - 1143. Beta 3 8/6 - 11,597
12/25 - Santa tells us "IT'S A GIRL!" EDD - April 4th
Trying to navigate through the world of IF
PAIF/SAIF always welcome

Our Little Easter Bunny has arrived!

Molly Mildred born 03/31/13

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Re: Who's husbands help them!?!

  • Kate_CKate_C
    Eighth Anniversary 250 Answers 1000 Comments 500 Love Its
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    Maybe you could just tell him when it's his turn to help and what specifically he should do instead of the more general requests for help?  I think sometimes guys can be kind of clueless about how they can assist when you are BF. maybe he could do a bottle one night so you could skip one feeding and sleep a little longer stretch?  I'm sorry you're having such a rough week. A holiday weekend is a good chance to make your DH step up to the plate before you have a complete meltdown! 

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  • none5none5
    Seventh Anniversary 250 Answers 500 Love Its 500 Comments
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    I go to bed at 9pm (sometimes earlier) and DH handles getting DD to bed. He also takes the early shift so I can go back to bed after the 6am feeding, but I don't really bother him for MOTN help unless I really need it. Going to bed early is the key for me. 
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  • Baby sleeps in our room so after I feed him, DH changes him and puts him back to bed
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  • I'm not working and my husband works mon-fri. We made a deal that I will get up every time but one weekend night every week he will have him all night while I sleep in the guest room. So far it has worked great. It's so refreshing! 
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  • If you read my post above yours on immature H then your post makes me laugh!!! H get up and help... What??? They do that. Well mine did with our first but not so much this time. I also work, went back part time when lo turned three weeks and 30 to 40 hours starting next week. Since lo came, besides cooking, my H has his butt up his I phone and almost ignores us all. When lo cries he takes about a minute to try to calm him then passes him off saying he wants fed or I don't know what he wants.

    H knows how sleep deprived I am and tells me I should have someone come over so I can nap during the day.

    I am starting to see a lot of change too. We have always been a 50 50 partnership until lo came. I am home so I have taken on more of the, I hate to say it, women's role... Kids, chores, etc... Except cooking!!! Last week after a rough day of non stop feeding H asks if his work pants were clean. I stated I didn't know and he let it slip that he works all day and I should know my role??? Wth... I was the breadwinner, carried all the insurance, etc... Until I became pregnant a second time.

    Anyway, sorry to rant here too. No H doesn't help at all. He informed me he doesn't like kids this young and will help when lo gets older.
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  • No but H is in his busy season at work and is working 14 hrs days sometimes plus weekends. I think it would be unfair for me to ask him to get up when I am home during the day with the kids. He will get up and deal with DS if he wakes up in the night, which is rare but does still happen. Once he's not working weekends I will expect him to help more when he's off the following day.
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  • slumpa1slumpa1
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its
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    image none5:
    I go to bed at 9pm sometimes earlier and DH handles getting DD to bed. He also takes the early shift so I can go back to bed after the 6am feeding, but I don't really bother him for MOTN help unless I really need it. Going to bed early is the key for me.nbsp;


    Mine is similar to this. Dh does last feeding of the night and I get to bed early, I do motn, and depending on when she wakes up, he will sometimes get her before he leaves for work at 6:40. We've been trying to let dd sleep as long as possible, so this doesn't happen real often.. I also told him last night that we need to alternate on the weekends so I can get a longer stretch of sleep, and he agreed. But I agree with pp that you likely have to tell him exactly what you want him to do!

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  • I am way too lucky. DH has the monitor every night one of our moms isn't here. He gets up, changes LO, and feeds him a bottle of milk I've pumped. I wake up once at night to pump. We set it up this way a few weeks ago when the dr told me my emotions would never balance out till I got more sleep. He was totally right!

    I realize this is totally out of the norm but it works right now for us. Once I'm done teaching I will take turns with him again.
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  • LO usually falls back to sleep nursing so I don't wake DH. But on bad nights I hand LO over to DH after nursing and he has to do the rest. 

    This arrangement hasn't been easy. I basically have to kick DH and say 'your turn'. He isn't working right now so he has no right to a full nights sleep.  

  • My DH very generously does MOTN feedings with me even though I'm EBF. He changes the diaper, brings DS to me, and puts him down when we're finished. I felt guilty at first because he gets up and goes to work, but we agreed that we're both "working" during the day so we share nights. I usually don't nap with DS during the day. I do things around the house because I know DH doesn't have the opportunity to nap at work. Even playing field!
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  • Our LO goes to bed for the night between 9p and 11p. We are working on a getting a routine down, he's 5 weeks old right now. Generally I do not wake my DH because he gets up at 545a for work during the week. Luckily my LO is starting to sleep longer so he's usually only up twice at night. My issue is that sometimes he doesn't want to go back to bed, like right this moment lol. Been up for over an hour now..

    If its a bad night my DH will get up and make a bottle or hold him so I can get a potty break. On the weekends he will take him around 7a and I will sleep
    until 9a or 10a.

    I go back to work on June 10th, when LO is 8 weeks old so we will see how our routine changes. I'm part time with a flexible schedule. If I start in the afternoon our usual routine will be ok but if I am also working in the morning then he will have to take turns with me.
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  • He's never helped with motn feedings, but he works and I'm on maternity leave, and I bf her so it doesn't really make sense for us both to have poor sleep. Fortunately, LO has been a decent sleeper getting up initially twice per night and now only once, and I can catch up on a few extra zzz's during nap time in the day. 

    Once I go back to work at 12 weeks, if she's still waking in the middle of the night ill enforce some sort of a take-turns schedule. Here's hoping she is sttn by then like dd1 was! 

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  • Unless I get really bad I do it all. He is a physician and I just feel like him not getting decent sleep could be a very bad thing. He tries to do last feeding of the night and put her down but if she's still awake at 11 I take over.

    Our plan was that he do a morning feed by bottle even though I'm EPF between 5 and 7 so I could sleep in but LO doesn't agree with that schedule. Would you consider pumping and having him do a Feeding or two during the week?

    I will say the second he walks through the door after work he takes her but I'm a horrible napper so I usually end up taking a bath or something instead.

    ETA he does do one feeding by bottle on weekend night so I can try and catch up on sleep.

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  • ktr722ktr722
    Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
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    My husband doesn't do the night time feedings and I don't expect him to bc he is working. Luckily he works from home most of the week. He does the 67am feeding by tking dd downstairs and lets me sleep a few hours a few times each week. He insists on weekends to get up with her and I rest. We do have daytime issues with him wnting to play his video game, but all in all he is more help then I ever expected.

    If I were you, mention to your husband that you know how hard he works, but you just need a break once or twice a week. If you do it this way, he may not feel like you are trying to argue. GL!
  • He does need to help you more, just tell him you need a break, talk to him. His days off he should help A LOT and let you recover. Some days I'm just living for SO's days off.

    He goes to work at 6pm and I have LO 12 hours alone until 6am then he takes him and gives me a two hour nap. At 9 I take LO and have him by myself until anywhere from noon to 3. Usually SO will take his 3pm feeding to give me a little break. 

    On his off nights I take shift from 9pm to about 3:30am then SO takes him from then to 8-9am and during the day we just work together. 

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  • My csection recovery and hormones were rough so DH really stepped it up. The first six weeks were brutal for us both, thankfully things have leveled off and we've adjusted to our 'new normal.'

    We trade off every other night. I may be on maternity leave but I'm healing and taking care of as much as I can during the day. The every other night of full, uninterrupted sleep has been a sanity saver for us both.

    If the husbands who never do MOTN feedings were to try it, they would see how hard back to backs are. If you stay at home and DH doesn't really help, does that mean you are working 24/7? Doesn't seem fair to me when DH isn't at his job 24/7.
  • image meheron80:
    If you read my post above yours on immature H then your post makes me laugh!!! H get up and help... What??? They do that. Well mine did with our first but not so much this time. I also work, went back part time when lo turned three weeks and 30 to 40 hours starting next week. Since lo came, besides cooking, my H has his butt up his I phone and almost ignores us all. When lo cries he takes about a minute to try to calm him then passes him off saying he wants fed or I don't know what he wants.

    H knows how sleep deprived I am and tells me I should have someone come over so I can nap during the day.

    I am starting to see a lot of change too. We have always been a 50 50 partnership until lo came. I am home so I have taken on more of the, I hate to say it, women's role... Kids, chores, etc... Except cooking!!! Last week after a rough day of non stop feeding H asks if his work pants were clean. I stated I didn't know and he let it slip that he works all day and I should know my role??? Wth... I was the breadwinner, carried all the insurance, etc... Until I became pregnant a second time.

    Anyway, sorry to rant here too. No H doesn't help at all. He informed me he doesn't like kids this young and will help when lo gets older.


    I would tell your DH that you do know your role which is his wife not his mom. He's a grownass man who should know where either the washing machine or dry cleaners is at. How disrespectful, his 'role' response really pissed me off for you.
  • I do all of the night feedings. I am at home and can sleep during the day when the baby sleeps, and it has never made sense to me for both of us to be sleep deprived. I am nursing as well, sothere rereally isn't much he can do. I never understood people who made their husbands get up in the middle of the night to chamge the diaper and bring the baby in for the mom to nurse. If I have to be up anyway, Dh might as well sleep.
    If your LO Is still taking a feeding before midnight, that would be a time you could get extra sleep if he is uo anyway.
  • DH is still off because of our move. He goes back in about 10 days. Right now, he does the MOTN diaper changes. I EBF so feeding baby is on me. Once DH goes back to work, I don't expect him to keep up with it, at least not on week nights.
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  • If sleep deprivation is ruining you...then definitely speak up and ask for help. I agree with what some others have mentioned-stating specifically the things you want him to do.  It's hard to admit, but men really do sometimes need it spelled out. 

     With that said, I do MOTN feedings.  I'm EBFing and, honestly, things move more quickly and quietly if just I wake up with the baby at night.  Most of the time it's very quick from nursing back to bed, so it seems like more of a hassle to have both of us awake. 

    On the nights when LO is embracing "the witching hour" from 8:30-11pm, both H and I are right there together-rocking, singing, talking, shushing and trying our best to get him down.  But MOTN feedings, he sleeps.  If it's an abnormal wake-up and LO is extra fussy, he'll wake up and ask what he can do. I'm lucky to function pretty well on interrupted, minimal sleep 

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  • I haven't read any of the other comments, but here, I hand DH a bottle of pumped BM and I go to bed around 9. He does bedtime. At midnight, my duties take over.
    Sure he's working, but with 2 kids at home, I need to be able to function too!
    When you are that sleep deprived, its really not even safe to drive, so I poo poo on the whole "he's working and I'm not..." you ARE working. Being a mom is hard work. And you need to be able to do it to the best of your abilities. That means getting some sleep.
    Good luck mama. Just hand him the baby and say "your turn"
    Dh is much better this 2nd time around than the first. He didn't know I needed him to jump in unless I actually handedhim the baby.
  • My personal philosophy is I'm not working so I can be sleep deprived and take naps here and there, he can't. So I do everything in the MOTN. I BF so he can't help there and I think it is ridiculously silly to make my DH get up in the MOTN to change a diaper when I am already up and perfectly capable. But that's just me and to each their own.
  • Yes he does.

    I stay at home but I have a two year old too. I can't be completely out of it during the day.
  • image letranger:
    Yes he does. I stay at home but I have a two year old too. I can't be completely out of it during the day.

    This. H and I pretty much split things 50/50, but I do try and let him get more sleep since he has a job where he has to be extremely alert.  

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  • I'm EBF, so I get up with Alessandra in the night when she needs to nurse. She sleeps in a bassinet in our room, so I can usually handle everything quickly and quietly without waking H. However, if she nurses and doesn't go back to sleep, H gets up with her so I can get some rest. We both know that neither of us are going to get a whole lot of sleep during the newborn period, and it's unfair to make one person do all the nighttime work. I may not have a paying job, but I'm a sahm with a 2year old and a newborn. I need to get some sleep or I wouldn't be able to function!

    I would be beyond pissed if my H ever pulled the "I'm working and you're not" line with me. H works parttime and goes to school, and during the day I'm obviously the one who cares for our children, I cook every night, do the grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry, etc. but when H gets home, he's just as much of a parent as I am. We agreed long ago that both of us had something to do with bringing these children into the world, and it would be incredibly unfair to expect me to do everything babyrelated simply because I stay at home during the day.
  • My husband is a huge help on the weekends, but during the week the MOTN duties are my job. I go to sleep between 8 to 9pm and he takes care if getting baby to sleep, but after that it's all me.
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  • image taylorunden:
    I'm not working and my husband works mon-fri. We made a deal that I will get up every time but one weekend night every week he will have him all night while I sleep in the guest room. So far it has worked great. It's so refreshing! 

    We kinda follow the same routine. I return to work next week but it's 1/2 days for 3 days a week until the end of the summer so I will probably continue to be the one to get up in the MOTN. I do this Sun-Thurs and he tries to get up Fri/Sat so that I can sleep. I'm a light sleeper and even the lightest coo from DD wakes me up and I feel like I have to check on her so having him on "baby duty" on weekend nights def. is refreshing.

  • Thanks for all of the insight ladies..... I think my frustration is because I do feel like I have asked him to help me and been clear in what I need. I guess I need to remind myself how thick headed men are (no offense to the dad who posted!) 

    I also think I'm going to follow suit with a lot of you and start going down earlier..... It's been tough around here though because DD has been doing a lot of cluster feeding at night and I don't get good results with the pump....but I do think there is some opportunity there.

    the other issue we've been having badly the past two nights is DD going down and then waking up anywhere between 10 minutes and an hour later. Last night she would wake up every 10 minutes for 2 hours while I tried to get her down. It was maddening and I was frustrated he wasn't helping more...... 

    "I won't give up on us, even if the skies get rough, I'm giving you all my love, I"m still looking up."
    TTC #1 since August 2011 MFI Diagnosis - April 2012
    IVF #1 - July 2012 - Stims start 7/2, ER 7/12, 20 retrieved, 16 mature, 13 fertilized!
    ET - 7/17 - 1 blast transferred. Beta - 7/26 273, Beta 2 7/30 - 1143. Beta 3 8/6 - 11,597
    12/25 - Santa tells us "IT'S A GIRL!" EDD - April 4th
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  • I returned to work last week, so DH and I are both working M-F business hours, but I office from home so I don't have the commute time at least.  Since LO was born she has been in our bedroom and DH has been sleeping in the guest room.  He tried in our room, but every sound she made woke him.  Once I returned to work, he was going to come back and start helping out, but that hasn't happened yet.  

    Our typical night is that LO goes to bed at about 11 pm, and so do we (in our separate rooms).  I get up sometime between 3 and 4 to feed LO.  I am usually up about 30 to 45 minutes for this.  Luckily she eats, burps and goes back to sleep easily.  I then get up at 6:15 to start my day, getting older girls off to school, pump (I'm EPing), etc...  DH gets up at 7:15 to take LO and I start working at 7:30.

    So, basically I'm getting 6 to 7 hours a sleep a night, although broken.  DH is getting about 8 hours of continual sleep.  For now I'm good with this because DH does have sleep issues, but I don't know how long I will last.  Hopefully LO will start STTN soon and DH can move back down to our room.  I think I'm going to convince him to at least sleep in our room on the weekends, just so I can have him there, not even to help with LO.  Honestly, I think he would wake LO up if he helped because he would turn on lights, talk to me asking questions, etc...  I have a routine, and don't want him screwing with it :)

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  • My husband and I kind of split the night.  He stays awake a little later at night to put our daughter to sleep (11-12ish).  I go to bed about 9-10pm and then when she wakes up during the night (3ish), I get up with her. 
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