no more support...

My number one supporter is my number one critic!
I dont know where its coming from. When I had DS1 in 2009, I spent so much time with him that my husband felt really left out. This time around Im trying to do things different, like spend more time with him and have sex when Im exhausted to keep our relationship strong. He isnt interested like he was pre baby number 2. He criticizes me constantly when hes home. I cover up and sit in the car when we are out and have the windows covered. He gets mad when I want to spend time with him in the evening and says I didnt care when I was pregnant. I would go to bed early. He didnt find me attractive when I was pregnant, my belly would get in the way. It hurt me, but I figured we would be happy after the baby was born. He wants me to wear lingerie, but gets grossed out when my boobs drip milk. I cant help it! He wants me to switch to formula but why change nursing when nothing is wrong with baby and I? We are happy. This is so frustrating. I can understand that he gets overwhelmed with DS1 who is 3 and a half years old, but then again he only holds baby for 15 minutes a day because he thinks baby wants me. I keep telling him to bond with him, otherwise baby is going to prefer me 24.7. Imsure he wants his thin wife back, but right now our baby needs his mother. He will be 4 weeks old on the 24th. I need to lose 25 lbs to be at my target weight...120. I try cooking for him and making time so I feel like Im trying to be a good wife and mother. What tips or tricks do you guys have to make breastfeeding easier? Or any advice? Tia.

Re: no more support...

  • I don't really think you need BFing to be easier, you need to get to the root of the problem.  Have a heart to heart to find out why he wants you to switch to formula, why he's having a hard time bonding with the baby, why he seems so distant from you.  My DH was also grossed out by leaky BM, I would wear a sexy corset, eye candy for him, and no leaky boobs (well, at least not that he could tell).  If a heart to heart doesn't do it, I would definitely seek counseling before things go south (not trying to be an alarmist, I just believe in dealing with things before they become an issue).  It seems like there's a lot more going through his head other than "I want you to stop BFing".

    GSx1 - 05/13/2013
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  • Honestly - sounds like DH is depressed - or having a crisis of thinking things would be one way and finding they are another (common with men - especially my DH).

    I agree - I'd have a talk with him - he's all over the map and likely doesn't even realize it..  

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  • The problem is not the fact that you are BFing.  The problem is with YH.  You need to find out what his problem is (approach him gently of course.)  Even if you aren't BFing, it's going to take time to lose the weight, your baby will still need you constantly, and you may still leak for a really long time after weaning.  I think I agree with PP, sounds like he could use some counseling.  I hope he's just going through something right now, because otherwise he sort of sounds like a jerk.
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  • I agree with what PPs have said but more importantly, I feel that I have to chime in with this: you JUST had a baby.  Your boobs may leak, you may not be thin right away, and you are probably exhausted.  While I think it is commendable that you are trying to do things to make your H happy, what is he doing for YOU?  How is he making you happy?  

    Marriage and parenting is a two way street and both parties have to meet in the middle and make an effort.  I find that often after a woman has a child, she feels this immense pressure to do it all: be a great mom and still be that sexy, attentive wife.  While no doubt you should always put time and effort into your marriage, that does not mean that your needs have to go unmet or deprioritized or that you should be doing all you can to keep his attention.  He should be doing the same for you and that means pitching in and helping with the new baby.

    Have a heart to heart with him and suggest counseling as an option to help you both get back to where you'd like to be in your relationship. 

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  • Your baby is only 4 weeks old....

    Tell DH to go eff himself... you are still recovering and have no business DTD, cooking, cleaning or even getting out of bed and/or your sweatpants except to feed and/or change LO. If he can't understand that "wife" comes second to "mother" right now, I would tell him to take a hike.

    Sending a big hug to you and a swift kick in the arse to your DH

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  • It sounds like you didn't BF with your last one? I just get the sense that this isn't how he was expecting things to go...

    It's a really hard adjustment. I know my DH had the issue of feeling like he couldn't do anything for the baby, so he just sort of stopped trying to help, because to him it seemed like all he wanted to do was eat. This time around things are better because he has figured out other ways to help.

    I'm with everyone else though, I think you need to have a heart to heart. It sounds like your husband is having trouble not being your number one priority. It sucks, but the kidlets come first right now, and he needs to understand that. I know that's hard to get across sometimes. Men can be awfully thick that way. Only you will know the best way to communicate your concerns to him, but I do think you need to say something. I'm sorry it's going this way for you. I can't imagine having to fight with my husband about BFing. It's hard enough as it is!



    Eleanor- 1.5 Years (Jan 2013)
    Nathan- 3.5 Years (April 2011)
  • If the baby is onky four weeks did the Dr. give an early go ahead for sex? Not that sex is the issue... but if its too early it could be very uncomfortable
  • I did bf ds1, and dh was very supportive. Thats why I didnt know where this was coming from. Thank you so much for all of your advice!
    Ds will be 4 weeks and no, i havent been cleared for sex or exercise...i know im bad! I think we waited 2 sounds CrAzY...but! I bled really bad right after c section really bad and then lightly for 2 weeks and Ive been done ever since. Id have to say that my c section was way easier than my vaginal birth almost 4 years ago. I bled for 6 weeks straight, had the worst hip pain and my crotch was so sore. Not to mention when I did have sex, it was 7 weeks pp and my husband said I was "stretched" out towards my cervix. This time is totally different. I have dissolving stitches and i take it really slow when i work out. Sex is better than ever...and it doesnt hurt...surprisingly.
    All said, i really appreciate the advice and concern. I feel much better having support! Thank you!
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