February 2013 Moms

Feeling like a bad mom (kinda long)

We're in a rather unique situation in that DH has a FT position while I have a scholarship to work on my PhD dissertation. It has really been a huge blessing, allowing me to have kids and stay home with them while still contributing significantly to our budget (I work on the dissertation PT when our nanny comes and when DH is at home). I'm nearing the end, however, and in the past 2 years since having DD1, I have come to realize that I am simply not cut out to be a SAHM. I want to work. We could live on DH's salary. We wouldn't be able to afford many extras, but we would be ok.

Still, I don't want to. I really, really, really want to work. It's not even the money aspect. It's that I feel very resentful when all childcare matters are on my shoulders (if I want to work, I have to figure out how to get free time to do it) and, while I dearly love my children, I want to work. I wish I could feel satisfied staying at home with them all day, but I don't.

I'm sincerely hoping I'm not the only one here. Does anyone else feel the same? I should add that it probably makes a difference knowing that I don't have to send my kids to daycare after only getting 6 or 12 weeks at home with them, and that when I work it most likely won't be FT, so I'll still get time with the girls. Still, I really need that PT time away from them. 


BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence

Re: Feeling like a bad mom (kinda long)

  • You are not alone and you're not a bad mom.  I'm going back to work next week after being out of work since we moved in Sept.  I of course am sad to be leaving the girls, but I also think its good for them, especially at DD1s age, for someone else to care for them and have some time away from me.  We can also make it on just DHs salary, but I like to contribute and I like to have some of my own money as well.  Staying at home isn't for everyone.  Not wanting to doesn't make you a bad mom at all.
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  • No I am with you.  I to need to work.  I need to get interacation with other adults.  I need to get out and be part of the real world.  I miss LO like crazy but I need this for a piece of mind.  Plus as a bonus I really do enjoy my job. 
    April 10 IUI BFN Sept 10 IUI BRN Feb 11 IVF hoping for a BFP! Feb 27 ER 28 eggs Mar 4 8 health eggs, 2 ET Mar 17 - Beta 180!! BFP!!! Mar 21 - Beta 1295!! holy cow what a jump Coming soon 1st Sono March 30!!! Crossing fingers for healthy stick bean(s) Mar 29 miscarry :( 6w 3d 2nd IVF July 2011 BFP July 2011 M/C 11/11/11 hate to say good bye again! Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers 3rd IVF 4/3/12 ER 46 eggs (holly cow batman) 40 mature, 36 fertilized 4/8/12 ET 2 AB put back 4/10/12 15 make it to FREEZE 4/22/12 Beta BFN 1st FET 6/7/12 Day we are going to put back 2. 6/21/12 BFP 1285 6/25/12 4780 I hope this time they stick!! Deaglan William welcome. My rainbow is finally here February 7, 2013
  • Nope, I'm with you. I spent a very pretty penny to get my Master's Degree and maintain my career, so the thought of paying back all that money in loans and not doing what I worked hard to do feels wrong. More wrong than leaving my kid in someone else's care. And I love my son, but I'm just not cut out to be a stay at home mom. The days seems so mundane and long to me, and most days I go 24 hours with about 30 minutes of adult interaction due to my husband's work schedule.  I miss work, and am actually pretty freaked out with how I am going to be a good mom and a good teacher once I go back in August, given DS's current sleep habits.
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  • seekupseekup
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    Nope, not alone. As much as I love time with my kids, I feel fulfilled in a different way at work and enjoy the adult interaction. Do not feel guilty; working moms are awesome too!
  • Can I join the club? We couldn't afford for me to stay home even if I wanted to, but I didn't spend six and a half years getting to bachelors degrees and a masters degree to not use them! And I really don't do well without a predictable schedule, and going to work provides that for me. I'm lucky, because my parents are retired and live less than 15 minutes away, so my mom watches DD on days both DH and I work, so it wasn't too hard for me to go back.

    I actually find that since I went back to work, I appreciate and enjoy the time I have with DD even more, and she seems to enjoy spending time with met Mimi and Pop. That last bit is important to me, because both my grandmothers died before I was born, my dad's dad was an alcoholic and we weren't close to him, and my mom's dad loved halfway across the country until I was in high school and he moved back here. I want DD to be close to her grandparents, because I never had that opportunity. Went a little off topic here, but I'm just really glad that she'll get to grow up with all four of her grandparents nearby.


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  • I will up the ante. Not only do I NEED to work, my marriage needs me to work. My husband and I are both highly educated urban professionals with jobs we really enjoy. A large part of our conversations center around politics, current events, and the things affected by our jobs.

    I have loved these last four months with my daughter and wouldn't change them for the world, but boy am I ready to go back to work next week.

     

  • Drea926Drea926
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    I'm a teacher and will be going back in September so that will have given me nearly 7 months home with DS. I am so grateful to have that long time with him. But - I am also happy that I will be going back to work. Like PP said, I need interaction with others. I also like having a solid schedule. And I love being a teacher! Plus in the long run it will be perfect. Once DS is of school age, our schedules will match up. 

    You are NOT a bad mom, but any stretch of the imagination!! 

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  • image Drea926:
    I'm a teacher and will be going back in September so that will have given me nearly 7 months home with DS. I am so grateful to have that long time with him. But I am also happy that I will be going back to work. Like PP said, I need interaction with others. I also like having a solid schedule. And I love being a teacher! Plus in the long run it will be perfect. Once DS is of school age, our schedules will match up.nbsp;You are NOT a bad mom, but any stretch of the imagination!!nbsp;


    All of this! I really do enjoy this time being able to do whatever I want all day, but I miss teaching, my students and my coworkers. I worked really hard and just finished my master's degree in the fall, so it seems silly not to use it! I may be taking extended leaves as we have more kids, but ultimately I will work. Half the reason I got interested in teaching was the schedule compatibility with having a family!

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  • I love my job. I've never considered not going back. Although I do get a year of mat leave. LO is already signed up for daycare for feb 2014.
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  • image eatdrinkstretch:
    I will up the ante. Not only do I NEED to work, my marriage needs me to work. My husband and I are both highly educated urban professionals with jobs we really enjoy. A large part of our conversations center around politics, current events, and the things affected by our jobs. I have loved these last four months with my daughter and wouldn't change them for the world, but boy am I ready to go back to work next week.

    I'm going to assume that is not worded the way you meant, and that you don't think SAHM can't have educated  discussions about politics and current events.  


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  • image seekup:
    Nope, not alone. As much as I love time with my kids, I feel fulfilled in a different way at work and enjoy the adult interaction. Do not feel guilty; working moms are awesome too!

    Yep.  Shake off that guilt, mama! 

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  • 2moms2b2moms2b
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    I personally am a better mom because I work. I felt very guilty when I had to put the boys in full time child care at 7 weeks but now looking back, it is what made sense for our family. Because I get to get out of the house daily and interact with adults, I am much more dialed in at home.

    It takes a very special kind of person to stay at home and I am big enough to admit its totally not for me at leasy right now. Does it mean I love my kids any less? Absolutely not! It means for our family, my sanity and everyone's quality of life is improved because I go to work. On the flip side it takes a special mom to be able to leave her kids several hours a day and sacrifice that time to provide for her family.

    It's a very personal decision and no one can judge anyone else on their decision. I am envious of the time SAHM get with their kids but I know if I was a SAHM I would be envious of those that go to work. We all do what is best for our families so at the end of the day rest well knowing you are making smart decisions for your household.
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  • I too am happier working and need that adult interaction. It helps me to appreciate my family more when I am home.
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  • MBush4MBush4
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    My first day back at work I felt bad because I wasn't sad. At all. I stay home with DS Thursdays and Fridays which works for me. It gives me enough time to be away so I miss him, but at the same time I get a break and can focus on what I do and life outside of mommyhood. I don't think you're a bad mom at all. Staying at home isn't for everyone. And the thing that's great about this day and age is that you aren't forced (whether by a dominating husband, your career, or society in general) to stay at home if you don't want to.

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  • Add me to the working club! I never thought about not going back. I too love my job and love the interaction with adults on a daily basis. The one aspect of my job that makes me nervous is the traveling... which will start again next month. That will be hard for me at first, but I am a working mom through and through.

  • image PeanutR1:

    image eatdrinkstretch:
    I will up the ante. Not only do I NEED to work, my marriage needs me to work. My husband and I are both highly educated urban professionals with jobs we really enjoy. A large part of our conversations center around politics, current events, and the things affected by our jobs.

    I have loved these last four months with my daughter and wouldn't change them for the world, but boy am I ready to go back to work next week.

    I'm going to assume that is not worded the way you meant, and that you don't think SAHM can't have educated  discussions about politics and current events.  



    Ha ha... Yes, you are exactly right. What I meant is that so much of our conversations revolve around politics and current events because that is the field we both work in, which makes zero sense the way I wrote it. I have been keeping up and having good discussions while I have been at home, as any SAHM can of course do, but it just hasn't been the same because I'm not IN it the way I am when I am working, you know?

     

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  • I work 15 to 20 hours per week and I really enjoy it. I get to talk to adults about things that aren't baby related. It's nice. Also, it helps keep my foot in the door if i ever decide to work FT again. I couldn't do full time, I would miss him way too much but PT is perfect.
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  • You are not a bad mom. We all need to do what's best for us and our families. I love working, DS is doing great at daycare, and we are all happier because of it. If the right equation is being a SAHM or working part time, do whatever works and don't feel guilty about it for a second.

    P.S. How annoying is it that no one ever makes dads feel bad about going back to work after they have a child?
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  • ::breathes a sigh of relief::

    Thank you all for sharing how you feel about going back to work! It seems to me like most women I know either stay at home or only go back to work because it's necessary for some reason. I was starting to think maybe I was alone in my actual desire to work. 


    BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
    BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
    BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence

  • tdmd09tdmd09
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    image MBush4:
    My first day back at work I felt bad because I wasn't sad. At all. I stay home with DS Thursdays and Fridays which works for me. It gives me enough time to be away so I miss him, but at the same time I get a break and can focus on what I do and life outside of mommyhood. I don't think you're a bad mom at all. Staying at home isn't for everyone. And the thing that's great about this day and age is that you aren't forced (whether by a dominating husband, your career, or society in general) to stay at home if you don't want to.

    I wasn't sad either. In fact, when everyone (EVERYONE) at work asked me if I was sad and "wasn't it so hard to leave him?" I lied and said yes.

    I work two days a week, 12 hour shifts. It kind of stinks to come home after DS goes to sleep, but I get 5 days a week at home with them, two of which are just me and him while DH works. I feel like it's a good compromise for me because I really enjoy my job and I feel like I am a better mom when I'm home after having a little time to focus on my own personal and professional development. 

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  • image tdmd09:

    image MBush4:
    My first day back at work I felt bad because I wasn't sad. At all. I stay home with DS Thursdays and Fridays which works for me. It gives me enough time to be away so I miss him, but at the same time I get a break and can focus on what I do and life outside of mommyhood. I don't think you're a bad mom at all. Staying at home isn't for everyone. And the thing that's great about this day and age is that you aren't forced (whether by a dominating husband, your career, or society in general) to stay at home if you don't want to.

    I wasn't sad either. In fact, when everyone (EVERYONE) at work asked me if I was sad and "wasn't it so hard to leave him?" I lied and said yes.

    I work two days a week, 12 hour shifts. It kind of stinks to come home after DS goes to sleep, but I get 5 days a week at home with them, two of which are just me and him while DH works. I feel like it's a good compromise for me because I really enjoy my job and I feel like I am a better mom when I'm home after having a little time to focus on my own personal and professional development. 

     

    This. I only work PT, but it's so nice to talk to adults. Some days I think staying at home would be nice. but then I remember that I have a toddler and I wouldn't wish that upon my worst enemy... I love him, but sometimes he makes it hard.

     

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  • image MBush4:
    My first day back at work I felt bad because I wasn't sad. At all. I stay home with DS Thursdays and Fridays which works for me. It gives me enough time to be away so I miss him, but at the same time I get a break and can focus on what I do and life outside of mommyhood. I don't think you're a bad mom at all. Staying at home isn't for everyone. And the thing that's great about this day and age is that you aren't forced (whether by a dominating husband, your career, or society in general) to stay at home if you don't want to.

    Yup!  I think a part of it goes back to the fact that my mom takes care of DD on the days DH and I both work, and I'm just so glad that my daughter is getting to spend this time with her grandparents.  And since DH has one of my normal work days off, he and DD get some nice daddy-daughter time together, which is also wonderful.  It might have been harder for me if I had to put her in daycare, but since she's with family while I'm at work and I actually happen to enjoy what I do, it's been nice being back at work. 

    I do have to admit, I'd extend the part-time schedule longer if I could, but I'd have to take both days off unpaid (instead of just one day unpaid, which is what I'm currently doing) after July 8, and I don't think we could afford it without dipping into our savings, which is still recovering from two car purchases in as many months. Sad



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  • I don't see the problem. Just mom guilt? If you want to work, go ahead and work! Why not? I SAH now but I worked until DD was 18 months and she did great. She loved her babysitter and her friends. I only chose to SAH because I really wanted to, and because I was not enjoying working (very stressed out.) If you want to work, then you should work, and not feel one bit guilty about it.
  • I also am not cut out to be a SAHM. I totally respect any moms who can, but its not for me. I'll even admit that after a particularly fussy day on Sunday, I was so glad to send her off to daycare on Monday! It's true that absence makes the heart grow fonder, because I am always so happy to see her when I get home and I cherish my days off that we spend together.
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  • image IncogNeato:
    I don't see the problem. Just mom guilt? If you want to work, go ahead and work! Why not? I SAH now but I worked until DD was 18 months and she did great. She loved her babysitter and her friends. I only chose to SAH because I really wanted to, and because I was not enjoying working (very stressed out.) If you want to work, then you should work, and not feel one bit guilty about it.

    Yep, mom guilt is the problem. The feeling is -- every other mom seems to want to stay home with their child as much as humanly possible, and for me it would be possible to be a FT SAHM but I don't want to. I am very glad to hear from others that I'm not the only one.


    BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
    BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
    BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence

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