3rd Trimester

Sad over baby's name (long)

When I met my guy I knew he was the 4th... George Joseph Irving the 4th... and I knew that he wanted to name his son the 5th one day. I was fine with that, I was 25 years old and not planning on having children for another 5 years or so, didn't even know if I'd end up settling down with Joe. I'm now almost 28 and have a little baby boy on the way. I have to be honest, I really don't like the name George (sorry if that's going to be your baby's name) I imagined naming my baby Christian or Colton or I don't know something other than that.

Last year my grandfather, the only father figure I've ever known passed away. This was a man I LOVED more than anyone, we were inseperable. It was a very special relationship and I still cry when I think about losing him.

When I found out I was pregnant (before I even knew the sex) I kept waking up in the middle of the night and dreading naming my child the 5th without including my grandfather's name. I finally said something to Joe, I asked him if he would compromise and let me include my grandfather's name somewhere... George Joseph Harry Irving the 5th (poor kid.) He agreed

Yesterday, Joe revealed that he is very hurt about me wanting to include my grandfather's name, he says it makes it seem like I don't respect him and his name, not to mention his father etc. He also said "you always knew I wanted to name my first born after me" ... basically, that I knew what I was getting myself into... I didn't know my grandfather was going to pass on me like that, I didn't know that the name would bother me as much as it does, I feel like he's getting the whole name he wants but with something special put in there for me.

I'm growing this baby, my body is the one that's packed on a million pounds, I'll be the one delivering, this is my FIRST baby too and I don't know if I'll ever have another one, let alone a son to name after my grandpa. I am super depressed over this situation, it creates an unnecessary cloud over what should be a happy time... and I am so tired of always giving other people what they want when I know I'll regret it later...

 Should I keep insisting on having my grandpa's name in there? It means so much to me.

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Re: Sad over baby's name (long)

  • I would continue to talk about this with your husband, and explain to him how important this is.  Let him know just what you said here- you don't know if you'll have another son, you didn't know how you'd be feeling to lose your grandfather, and try to see if he can understand that as important as the name is to him, it is also equally important to you.  This little guy is both of yours, and you both need to be happy with your final decision.  I'm sorry you have this struggle- it certainly doesn't have an easy solution.
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  • I'm sorry but I'm having a hard time reading past the "asking if he will let me include my grand fathers name"....

    This baby is equally yours and you BOTH need to have a say. You aren't birthing this child for your H. No way I would have no say so in my child's name.

    You need to definitely communicate your feelings.
  • George Joseph Harry Irving the 5th would not be the fifth, he would be the first. It's only the 5th if the name is exactly the same with every generation.

    That said  I think including your grandfather's name as a middle name is a VERY good compromise(more than fair really) since overall he is still getting the bulk of the name. Either he allows this or you start from scratch with a totally new name, because you should NOT dread your own son's name.

    You didn't mention if you were married or not, so I'll tell you this, if you aren't, I wouldn't even consider going with most of his legacy name, because YOU are the one who will be stuck hearing it all the time for the rest of your son's life, regardless of whether he stays in the picture. 

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  • Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.
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  • image Bliss+Berry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

     Exactly!!!

    Oh, and as for the 'he always wanted...' factor...I always wanted a pony, doesn't mean I'll ever get one. If he just wanted a clone he could name all by himself, he should have gone with a surrogate. 

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  • Why not keep the name as is, since it's important to your H and you did agree to it, but call him Harry?  What you call your kid doesn't really have to have anything to do with his name.  My XH was a 4th (Earl Frederick) and he went by Rocky.  I didn't even know his real name until after we'd been dating for several months and I saw his driver's license for the first time.  If we had a son he would have been a 5th but we had a different name picked out to actually call him.  I have a friend who's a 5th and he goes by Jack even though that's not at all what his name is (Charles Randall).

    And just a fun US government FYI should you live in the US- after 7 years of usage a nickname can be claimed as an "assumed name" and be used on official documents.  My XH's full name on his driver's license is Earl Rocky Frederick even though Rocky isn't on his birth certificate and he never legally changed it.  Rocky is also the name on his credit cards and bank accounts and tax forms.

     

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  • image Bliss+Berry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

    I would think this if OP hadn't agreed to naming the child this years ago.  It might be a really important thing to him which is why he brought it up when they first met to make sure she was OK with it.  So her changing her AFTER getting pregnant and finding out they are having a son sounds a little selfish to me.

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  • image JCWhitey:

    image Bliss+Berry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

    I would think this if OP hadn't agreed to naming the child this years ago.  It might be a really important thing to him which is why he brought it up when they first met to make sure she was OK with it.  So her changing her AFTER getting pregnant and finding out they are having a son sounds a little selfish to me.

    ITA.  I'd find a nn that I loved and go with that. 

    ETA:  NN suggestions- Joey, Joss, maybe Jack, Jay.....Going ny Joseph would also be nice

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  • jlpevjlpev
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    image BlissBerry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name. nbsp;Don't be a doormat.


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  • I understand the way you are feeling my fav name was Noah I loved it,dreamed abot it,thye whole nine.My husband hated it!His name is Nicholas Philip and he wanted a junior.I on the other hand wanted to have his middle name Joseph after my Grandfather who was my father figure also and passed away 3 yrs ago.my husband was very passionate about having a jr.but he COMPROMISED and he UNDERSTANDS hoe important my grandfather was and is to me.I am THANKFUL because I know he gave up something as well.It is all about compromise.My husband even said he didnt mind if I called our son Jo Jo.I do like the name Nicholas but hubby is Nick im Nicole lol,plus my oldest nephew is Nicholas.Sorry so long my point is......value the importance of a man having his first son named after him but DONT IGNORE what is important to you.I feel your deal was more than fair.GOOD LUCK!!

  • image Bliss+Berry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.
    This exactly.

    And honestly, I am kind of disgusted by the fact that he is telling you he is hurt and that it feels like you don't respect him. Um...it sounds like he has no respect for your opinion or wantig to honor your grandfather. 

    Naming a baby is a JOINT decision. Yes, you said you agreed to using a fifth, but that was over three years ago before you were even pregnant. People can change their mind and he needs to respect that. If you don't want your son to be a fifth, then tell him that. He needs to either compromise and go with George Joseph Harry Irving (it would not be a fifth, but it would STILL be honoring his family) or give it all up and go with a new name altogether. Don't crumble and use a name you are not comfortable with using.

    Sorry, but I think you DH is being a selfish a.ss who needs to grow up and realize that this is your baby too.

    I am sorry about your grandfather OP.
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  • I am in a kind of similar situation. I met my husband 6 years ago when I was 21 and he said he always wanted a Jr. And I agreed being 21 and children seeming like such a far off idea. I had a mini meltdown after finding out the sex because I just felt like the baby was half me, and his own person but his name already belonged to someone else. I really wanted him to have his own identity. After talking to my husband, we compromised and he will be Michael John Jr. But we are going to call him MJ! My husband felt bad that I was so upset about it and was happy to compromise! Hopefully you two can figure it out :
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  • Your desires and family wishes are just as important as his. I think your husband should compromise. 
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  • image ScarletOflaherty:

    George Joseph Harry Irving the 5th would not be the fifth, he would be the first. It's only the 5th if the name is exactly the same with every generation.

    That said  I think including your grandfather's name as a middle name is a VERY good compromise(more than fair really) since overall he is still getting the bulk of the name. Either he allows this or you start from scratch with a totally new name, because you should NOT dread your own son's name.

    You didn't mention if you were married or not, so I'll tell you this, if you aren't, I wouldn't even consider going with most of his legacy name, because YOU are the one who will be stuck hearing it all the time for the rest of your son's life, regardless of whether he stays in the picture. 

    This. Plus, unless Sr.-4th are all living, every one moves up a space as the older ones die off. DS went to school with a family that are up to a George VI- the kids call him "six" like he doesn't even have a name.

    Not even a topic for discussion unless you're married.

  • He's being very chauvinistic about the whole thing...like he's the man, his word goes. Why don't you deserve respect?

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  • blush64blush64
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    I don't think one parent should have all the power in naming a child. However, if one parent were to have all the power the power in naming a child why would it be the man?

    I would not let it go. Your husband needs to respect your wants as much as be demands you respect his. People change. Even if you loved his name to start with you are allowed to change your mind. He needs to be open to compromise.

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    image JCWhitey:

    image Blisrry:
    Your H is being selfish, unreasonable and unfair. This is your child just as much as his and you have just as much say in the name.  Don't be a doormat.

    I would think this if OP hadn't agreed to naming the child this years ago.  It might be a really important thing to him which is why he brought it up when they first met to make sure she was OK with it.  So her changing her AFTER getting pregnant and finding out they are having a son sounds a little selfish to me.



    Selfish is demanding your way no matter what. Demanding that the woman growing and giving birth to a baby be forced to name a child something she doesn't want to. People change. OP is allowed to change. Adults compromise.
  • image ScarletOflaherty:

    George Joseph Harry Irving the 5th would not be the fifth, he would be the first. It's only the 5th if the name is exactly the same with every generation.

    That said  I think including your grandfather's name as a middle name is a VERY good compromise(more than fair really) since overall he is still getting the bulk of the name. Either he allows this or you start from scratch with a totally new name, because you should NOT dread your own son's name.

    You didn't mention if you were married or not, so I'll tell you this, if you aren't, I wouldn't even consider going with most of his legacy name, because YOU are the one who will be stuck hearing it all the time for the rest of your son's life, regardless of whether he stays in the picture. 

    Agree on both. With the addition of the middle name the baby will not be the 5th. However, if not married, I would never give my baby the father's last name or legacy.

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  • Adding your grandfather's name wouldn't make him the 5th anymore. You did agree and I understand that you loved your grandfather, but you need to discuss with your husband about your options. If he loved the name so much, he wouldn't go by Joe. Maybe name the baby something else and if you happen to have another boy, that one can be the 5th. 
  • I can see both sides, however I'm not sure I understand the disrespect your DH claims you're showing. It's not like you're not naming your child George along with the two middle names, but you're adding in Harry. How is that disrespectful? I find it quite disrespectful of him not to honor your side of the family at all. It borders on being slightly egocentric and domineering. I don't know. I think you have a valid point that you're carrying this child. I think you should insist.

    My Dad had a similar name that was being passed down on his side. After having two girls my Mom had my brother. Luckily my Dad wasn't as insistent about the name (even though it was his name but he went by his middle which was unique to him) because my Mom didn't want to pass down a name for personal reasons. My Grandparents were initially upset but they didn't care after awhile. Do what you feel is RIGHT to you.

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  • My name situation isn't quite the same, as the person I disappointed didn't have a lot of say, but my daughter was supposed to be the 5th generation with the middle name of Elizabeth, and I'd actually always planned to continue that since I was young. But now I'm not.

    In my mom's family, the oldest daughter, since my great-grandmother, has always had the middle name Elizabeth (GG, G, M, me). However, I realized after I got pregnant that I really wanted to name my daughter after my great-grandmother on my dad's side, who is very dear to me and just an amazing woman (still going strong at 97!). Her middle name is Louise, which I've always loved (I don't like her first name), but my H was just okay with, so we didn't really want to use it as a first name. I didn't really feel it was fair to my H to take both names for my family, anyway, and name our daughter Louise Elizabeth. So we agreed to use Louise as the middle name to honor my great-grandmother, who had two sons and two grandsons, and never had a child named after her.

    Also, my sister had already named her daughter Johanna, after my mom's mom's first name, so I felt like my mom's mom had been honored, and I could name my own daughter after my other great-grandmother.

    My mom had been counting on my giving my first daughter the middle name of Elizabeth, and she was disappointed that I changed it, but when I explained my reasons, she felt that it was fair. As I said, she didn't have a whole lot of say, but I felt a little bad that I couldn't do both. But Margret Louise Elizabeth just was too much for me! (Margret was a name I suggested and loved, and it just so happened to be H's grandmother's name!)

    OP, this is your child too, and you have the right to have a say in his name. I think it is unfair to hold you to something you agreed to three years ago, before you were pregnant and before your grandfather died. If your husband says he feels disrespected, tell him you feel just as disrespected by his refusal to compromise.

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  • I'm torn. Part of me thinks that since you initially agreed to it you shouldn't try to take it back now. But I also think your husband is putting way to much importance on a name and should try to compromise.

    My husband is a III, but he always knew that I didn't want to name my child the IV. Knowing his family heritage was important to him we compromised. His first name is the baby's middle name, and we agreed on a new first name. So baby's not a IV, but we're still honoring his family in our own way. 

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  • Ditto the PP who mentioned that whatever the name, he wouldn't be a 5th unless all 5 generations were still living. One moves up in rank when the older generations die out, unless you have a title of nobility, like 5th Earl of whatever. Technically your SO is probably only the 3rd.

    Married or not, I wouldn't waver on using your g-pas name in there somewhere. I think it is ridiculous to suggest that you are being selfish just because you didn't pitch a fit years ago when he first mentioned that he wanted to pass down his name.

    I'd nip it all in the bud with something much shorter. He isn't the only person who made this baby, he isn't the only one who gets to name it. Marriage is a compromise, grown ups work together to name a child. If you aren't married yet, I think this fit he is pitching speaks volumes on future struggles you may have with parenting. 

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  • I think you either need to use both names or agree on something else entirely. I'd try for something else entirely. 

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  • Honestly, I hate 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th etc..... My husband had a friend who named his kid the same name as the dad- so it was a X Jr. And after we got pregnant my husband said he would like to do the same exact thing. I told him no- unless you want to be called Big X and the kid Little X. I understand wanting to use a family name somewhere in there, but honestly I will never name my kid Jr or anything like that.

    As far as naming the kid one thing and calling him another- then why and the hell did you name him that? I think that is . Your husband?? needs to compromise- it needs to be a name you are both happy with. Would it be so bad for you to use a mutually acceptable first name and the dads name as a middle name with your grandpa's name as a middle name as well? (3 names is NMS but would be a great way for you to compromise).



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  • If you are not married to "your guy"   then you do not owe him this... even thought it is his baby too he needs to respect you and respect your opinion too.   I hate men that do not respect women.  It is a mutual decision to name your baby.
  • melOHdymelOHdy
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    image 913mom:
    If you are not married to "your guy"nbsp;nbsp; then you do not owe him this... even thought it is his baby too he needs to respect you and respect your opinion too.nbsp;nbsp; I hate men that do not respect women.nbsp; It is a mutual decision to name your baby.


    It makes a whole lot of sense to preach not disrespecting women while disrespecting the man who has jointly entered into this commitment with her.Respect is a two way street. She told him that she was fine with the legacy name and now she is reneging on that. True, he should not be guilt tripping her but it should be a conversation. OP why don't you think there is the possibility of you having another son?

    I really like the nickname idea suggested before.
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  • image ScarletOflaherty:

     I think including your grandfather's name as a middle name is a VERY good compromise(more than fair really) since overall he is still getting the bulk of the name. Either he allows this or you start from scratch with a totally new name, because you should NOT dread your own son's name.

    You didn't mention if you were married or not, so I'll tell you this, if you aren't, I wouldn't even consider going with most of his legacy name, because YOU are the one who will be stuck hearing it all the time for the rest of your son's life, regardless of whether he stays in the picture. 

    This 100%. 

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  • My DH is a second (named after his grandfather, so not a JR).  When we first got together I knew he wanted to name his DS after his dad, so he would also be a second. At the time I agreed because, like you, kids seemed far away and it didn't seem like an issue.  I am pregnant with a little boy and things changed.  I think becoming pregnant made it more real and the more I thought about our son being a second the more I didn't like it.  I don't think you should get stuck in "a promise is a promise."  People grow and change individually and as a couple.  Don't feel obligated because you said, "sure okay" in one moment 3 years ago.

    DH and I compromised.  DS will have DH's father's name for a first name and MY father's name as a middle name.  He is still continuing a tradition (DS will be the 4th Thomas but will have a middle name from my family).  We are both very happy with the name choice, and neither one of us feels negatively about our son's name.  You need to BOTH be happy. This isn't like choosing a wall color that you can change every 5 years. This is the name you will call your son for the rest of your life.

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