June 2013 Moms

BTDT moms- postpartum visitors

Hi ladies. I was wondering if you could share your experiences with visitors after your LO was born. For this baby, DH and I are living 9 hours away from my family and friends, and 5 hours away from his. We have a very small apartment (a studio without even one separate bedroom), so hosting people is pretty much out of the question. My parents are planning to come out when we are at the hospital and my mom is going to stay with me the first week, which I have no problem with because we are super close and I know I will want her advice/love/care. But I am not sure how I feel about other visitors.

I have a friend from high school who is kind of making it her mission to come out and visit us when LO is born. She is also about 5 hours away from us and is planning to rent a car and stay in a hotel because she knows we don't have much space. But I am the first of any of our friends to have a baby, so I don't know how much she realizes that I am not going to be a great host. I don't know if I'm up for having her visit for a few days and feeling like I have to entertain, especially while acclimating to life with a newborn. DH and I are moving back to my hometown at the end of July, when LO will be 4 to 6 weeks old, so I feel like it makes much more sense for my friend to visit us up there because she can stay with her parents and I won't feel like I have to be the sole one entertaining her.

How did you ladies feel when your LO was born? Did you want to see people right away or was waiting better? I've heard from a couple of moms that they don't really feel normal until 3 or 4 weeks postpartum. It would be a completely different story if my friends lived near me and they could just come for a quick visit and go home, but the idea of hosting people has me overwhelmed.

Sorry this ended up being longer than I planned. Thanks! 

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Re: BTDT moms- postpartum visitors

  • I felt ok with visitors but they all lived in the same town so it's different from your situation. I definitley wouldn't want anyone staying the night except someone extremely close. Maybe you should just tell your friend that you'd rather waith to see her when you move. Stress that its in her best interest.
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  • I'm a social person so I would have gone crazy if I didn't have visitors for 3-4 weeks.  I think as long as they are not staying at your house and they are fine just hanging out and visiting as opposed to you entertaining them it will be fun to see everyone.
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  • with DS1 I was near family and couldn't stand always having visitors. I just wanted my time alone with my baby- to bond and nurse and just get to know him, and figure things out. I hated passing him around to everyone too. The occasional visitor was okay, but seriously my house was full of people, and I felt like I had to share my baby, not to mention I also felt like I needed to entertain them.

    With DS2 I was in Germany- with no family around. However; I did have a few friends come over here and there, and it was perfect. They didn't stay too long, and I didn't have to entertain them. I also didn't have to share my baby- and felt like I had enough alone time with him.

    With this baby- again I am far away from family, but my mom is flying in to stay to help out with DS2 while I give birth. I am sure I will have a few friends come to the hospital or to the house after, but again...I think it will be okay this time around because I don't have to deal with a ton of people.

    I would feel too overwhelmed with people wanting to come up to the hospital, and to my house after. I just like my own space, and alone time though, esp with having a new baby.

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  • Parents are ok, everyone else can wait a month. And then they must stay in a hotel, and understand in no uncertain terms that what you awnt to do, is what you are doing. No entertaining, no cooking, if you need t nap, they can read a book. They can do laundry.
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  • I know we will have them because this is DH first child BUT I'm not a host. Get your own water, tea, beer, and don't even think of waking me or Harper. But please make yourself at home........mobile smiley!
  • Thanks ladies. These are all helpful. 

    I guess I should have also mentioned that I asked her about waiting until I move to see the baby, since it makes so much more sense logistically for her as well, and she said she really wanted to see the baby before that and then told me her plans of renting a car and staying at a hotel. But I will definitely mull it over some more and discuss it with her again. 

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  • VASCVASC
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    Maybe give her suggestions of other things to do around town that she could take advantage of rather than camping out at your place during the day?  
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  • I was really happy to have my mom's help when I needed it, but she lives 5 minutes away so she wasn't there all the time. I didn't want many visitors or even that much help from my mom because I wanted to get to know my baby and learn his quirks on my own first without everyone telling me 100 ways to do something. It was nice to just do everything our own way first, and then tell everyone else how to help.

    I would suggest playing it by ear because you never know how much you would need her, but I'm sure you will need breaks, so I would definitely limit the visitors.

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  • My advice to you would be to wait until you're back in your hometown at the end of July and see people then. Your baby will be a little older and you'll be more healed from the birth and (hopefully) a little more rested by then and feeling better in general.

    There is no way in hell I'd be wanting a slew of visitors in a studio apt right off the bat. If you are comfortable and very close with your Mom and want her staying with you / she will actually be helping you, that is one thing. Friends who require more entertainment? That is another. This is your time to get acclimated, rest and heal and bond.

    My parents were living 45 minutes away when DD was born (now much closer) and they would come 1-2x a week to stop over and visit. We're still on the same schedule for seeing them.  My ILs (MIL is now deceased) are far away in another state but they flew out when DD was 2 months old and stayed with us for 8 days. It was too much, honestly. We were ready for them to go at the end of that timeframe and I think they were also ready to get home. My FIL was especially annoying as a houseguest - very demanding and used to getting his own way. I think he forgot whose house he was in (not his own) and the ability to be a gracious guest. We were taking them out to dinner, paying for meals, cooking for them, etc. Very little appreciation. And it was kind of more work for me than help having them stay with us.

    We are not planning to invite FIL to fly out again and stay with us this time. (Again, MIL is now deceased so it's just him). Once we get to a point where DS isa little older, we will take both DD and DS and fly out there to visit them.

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  • I have mixed feelings about pp visitors.  My experiences were extreme, both in the number of visitors and their preposterous neediness, including, sad to say, close family members who were annoyed at the lack of food at the ready, hangers-on I didn't know well wanting to pass around my child, and unruly minors literally breaking my furniture.  No joke, my cousin put my nephew's head through our glass coffee table while wrestling in the living room.  It felt more like an invasion than anything else.  If you have very well-behaved/helpful visitors, I imagine it can be a godsend, but as I have no experience with that, I can't really recommend hosting anything until you feel ready.  Even then, meeting someone outside the house might be a good idea and far less stressful.  Believe me, when I finally had the baby and house to myself after those first couple weeks of nonsense, it was BLISS.  I regret not having that peace from the beginning.
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  • We only had my Mom and Dad and my MIL, FIL and a couple of my SIL's came to visit.  It was nice and once I felt better (this took about 2-3 weeks) I took my daughter out to meet the rest of the family and our friends.  My Mom actually stayed with us for the first two weeks. We were in a two-bedroom apartment when my first daughter was born so I really couldn't have too many visitors due to our limited space.  This time we are in a spacious house but I plan to have the same number of limited visitors.  My Mom is staying with us again to help out and my daughter adores her grandma so she will be a big help with my 3-year-old.  
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  • Yeah, no.  At that point you want everyone to go away so you can figure out how to do this without people looking over your shoulder and making helpful suggestions.  Seriously, after a couple of days I didn't even want my mother there.

    I'd ask her to wait until after the move; that's a lot going on at once.

     

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  • I had no problem being selective about our visitors.  Our parents? Fine, but I told them when I was ready for them to leave.  My BFF who had two kids and wanted to drop by with some baby clothes and a freezer meal?  Sure, she knew what to expect.

    But most others we put off for at least a month or two.  And these people were all local.  I never would have hosted anyone for extended periods of time, I was just too tired to play hostess.  

    I would just tell your friend that it will be easier for you to meet up in your hometown, you will need a few weeks to yourselves after the baby is born.

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  • I wasn't really a fan of pp visitors.  My house was a disaster and it makes me uncomfortable to have people over when it's THAT disgusting.
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  • I just wanted to say thank you again for all of the replies. It is so helpful to hear others' experiences since I really have no idea what to expect. 
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