June 2013 Moms
enuk2013
member
Awkward family situation (warning: LONG)
enuk2013
member
I realize this is a sensitive topic with mommies-to-be on here who struggled to conceive, but I would appreciate insight from people who have been there.
My SIL (brother's wife) has been TTC for 2 years now and had two failed IUIs since January. I haven't seen her in person since we told her we were pregnant in October. She avoids all family functions I attend; she also did not come to my shower, but sent a gift and a couple of cards at other points. My brother told me months ago it was because it was just too difficult for her to be around me, which I understood given the circumstances, but slowly over the months, it started to feel more than that (some things happened I won't explain because this is long enough as it is). I asked my brother a couple of months ago what was going on and he admitted that it's not because I'm pregnant, but she's upset with me because she feels I haven't been supportive of her while she's been TTC (they shared the infertility issues with the family about 10 mos ago). I of course felt terrible and confused, because I thought I was doing the right thing by respecting her requests for space and not rubbing my pregnancy in her face. So I sent her a letter (my brother's idea, he said not to call because she was upset), apologizing for anything I'd done to offend her and asking if we could get together before the baby comes to talk. No response now after 2+ months.
So here's my question: today I'm sending another letter that says basically "I would love to see you before the baby comes. If you're willing, please call me so we can get together and talk." I've decided that if I don't hear back from her, I will let my brother know, gently and with love, that I won't be ready to see my SIL for a while after the baby is born. If she decides that's when she's ready to be around me/us, I feel like I'm going to be exhausted and not up to dealing with the awkwardness between us in those first few weeks. I love my SIL and want her back in my life (and in my daughter's) but I feel the need to protect my own emotions right after the birth. It's not vindictive or a punishment towards her at all.
FYI I brought this up months ago on the 2nd tri board and got flamed by lots of people and called selfish because I admitted my feelings were hurt over this. I know how lucky I am to have had this healthy pregnancy and I certainly don't understand everything my SIL is going through, not claiming otherwise. But I can't help it--when someone you love avoids you for 8 months, it really hurts, even when you're going through the incredible feelings of first time pregnancy.
Again, any insight from someone who's maybe been through this type of thing would be greatly appreciated.
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Re: Awkward family situation (warning: LONG)
I've never really been in a situation like this, but here is what I would do:
Send her another letter, and keep it short and simple like you stated above saying you would love to see her before the baby is born. If she doesn't respond, I would just let it rest for awhile. I would NOT saying anything to your brother. I think by saying something to him will set him and your SIL off again and it would be best to just let the situation go from there. Chances are she probably won't want to be around you and the baby either, but that would be up to her. Plus, you might not be ready for ANY visitors, so purposely excluding her right now will only lead to drama.
I can't imagine going through infertility like your SIL is going through, but I think sending the two letters is all you can really do right now. I'm sure she just needs some time to deal with all that she is going through but sending something to your brother will probably stir the pot a bit.
It's hard to keep in mind what other people are going through, but you have every right to be happy and excited about your pregnancy. I think she just needs some time and unfortunately there is nothing you can do about that.
It's really emotional when someone is TTC and haven't had any success, and someone close to them gets pregnant at the drop of a dime, with hardly any effort. I don't know fully how it feels TTC and have no success, however; I did have my own little issue as it took a little over a year to get pregnant. I remember having emotions of jealousy when a friend, (not even close with) got pregnant when they least expected it. It was like I was mad at her, and for no good reason. I can't imagine how it would feel for someone who went years trying to have something, and having no success with, to have someone really close and dear to them get what they are wanting too. I am sure it's hard on her, and maybe she is protecting herself from feeling anger or jealousy over your pregnancy.
You mention there were other things that you didn't want to mention. Maybe whatever those things are that happened is the cause of her distancing her self from you. I don't know.
On another note...I would say don't write a letter, or an e-mail. I would pick up the phone and call her, it's more personal, and IMO shows you are really trying to make an effort and get to the bottom of the issue, rather then writing a letter asking for her to call you.
Another thing....I would keep the doors open, even after you had the baby. If she isn't ready now to reconcile, that's okay, but keep those doors open and don't shut her out if she doesn't respond right away.
This is really good point, and I didn't think about it like that at all (that by addressing the situation ahead of time, it might create more drama). I was just thinking that by letting my brother know how I was feeling, it would save me having to explain myself when I'm sleep deprived, recovering from delivery, learning to care for a newborn. But there's something to be said for crossing a bridge when you come to it too I suppose.
This seems to be exactly what is happening and it's truly awful on my end to feel so helpless to give her what she needs, so I can only imagine how difficult it is on her end. I've just basically had my fingers crossed month after month that she'd conceive, then things would just work themselves out gradually from there. But that hasn't happened so far and who knows when it will. My brother is my only sibling and we've always been close, so that makes things even worse. He's completely in the middle and unfortunately, I don't know how he can't be because he refuses to choose sides, nor should he have to.
I know that a miscarriage isn't the same, but it's still grieving over what you wished you had. After my miscarriage, the sight of pregnant women was challenging. I was super happy for them, but seeing it made it all the more difficult for me to stay composed, missing what I "should have had".
The fact that she's sent you things is a good thing - she's not completely shut off to you. I think what you're offering her though, is just more pain - to visually see you at your biggest will be even more difficult for her.
I personally would suggest phone calls, e-mails and cards/letters instead of something face to face.
My CLOSEST friend is struggling to conceive, and when I got pregnant, she was COMPLETELY supportive, told me to tell her EVERY DETAIL no matter how long it took her. Well, as time has went on, I've realized how difficult this has been for her - and now the discussions about baby are infrequent and awkward. The bigger we get, and they have yet to conceive, is a knife in the heart. In theory our friendship shouldn't skirt one topic all the time, especially when it's the biggest development in my life. However, I've chosen to save my baby talk for others, knowing it's difficult for her now - and this is a phase of our friendship. We have to be willing to give and take if the relationship is worth maintaining. I'll just say what you won't hear from her - Thank you for not giving up on her, and doing your best to be sensitive to what she's going through.
I appreciate your honest input, and yes, ouch, it feels a little harsh but that's what I asked for: hearing what it's like on the other side because I haven't been able to have that conversation with her. And you're right, I certainly don't want to punish her or seem vindictive in any way. It's not what's best for me, or her, or my baby. Ultimately my goal is to do what's best for MY child, and I truly believe that is for her to somehow have a relationship with her aunt in the future. I guess I'm just being impatient trying to figure out all this in advance.
Um, yeah, same here--the day we told my brother and SIL totally sucked. Her face said it all and I felt AWFUL.
Unexplained Infertility
After two Clomid cycles, three injectable IUI cycles, two IVFs, two miscarriages, and one lap surgery, IVF #2 has brought us our little boy!
TTC #2
After months of being postponed or cancelled, FET #1.3 (Natural FET) brought us twin girls!
The day my best friend told me she was pregnant, I started to sob right there, outside a restaurant around 10 strangers. It's not about you....It never will be about you. I had 4 failed IUI's each one sucking more then last. I found that when I was home with DH, we were stronger in dealing with other people's happy news. When I found out about another pregnancy by myself, I was a ticking time bomb of emotion. I know that you are impatient in wanting her to be a part of you LO's life but that's not your problem. She'll come around if/once she's ready.
Are you a big facebook poster regarding your pregnancy? I became a big resenter of people on FB who put up a million ultrasound and bump photos when I was going through my struggle. It's another constant reminder of something that your body can't do. For what's its worth, I never did a FB announcement and don't intend on putting my kids picture on that site once he gets here. Infertility is something I don't wish on my worst enemy. Be patient and remember that it isn't about you!
I don't think you are being selfish at all. I wouldn't send the second letter though. You reached out, you tried and you've let her know you want to have a relationship. Now it's time to let it go and when she's ready, she'll let you know.
ive been through infertility and everyone handles it differently. I always tried hard to remember that my struggle had nothing to do with anyone else and their ability to get (and stay) pregnant. She obviously can't look past her own situation to support you so the best thing to do is just give her space.
I understand being hurt but I think you've done all you can.
Absolutely, all my notes have acknowledged briefly her gift/card/whatever it was I'd received from her (Christmas gift, shower gift, congrats card). Example: "Thank you for the book, I'm sure your niece is going to love when you read it to her" and then always "I hope you're feeling well, please let me know if there's anything I can do to help or make you more comfortable, I would love to see you at [upcoming family event/holiday], you're in my thoughts, etc etc". I've never referenced the pregnancy directly and in asking to see her, it was always phrased in a "I really miss spending time together and would love to get together soon" sort of way.
A big NO on this one. I can imagine FB is like a landmine for women TTC. We did make a general pregnancy announcement just because it was the easiest way to get the news out to family and friends, but I specifically did NOT post anything else about my pregnancy out of sensitivity to her. Come to find out, she actually unfriended me and my husband anyway, I'm assuming in anticipation that she'd see things she didn't want to see in the future. Then my best friend and dad both saw some bitter things she'd posted about me after that. (I don't know exactly what was said bc I asked not to be told.) That was what triggered me asking my brother what exactly was going on a few months back bc it was very out of character for her to do that.
This is just a difficult situation any way you slice it.
We had several losses over the course of a couple of years and I know the way I responded to hearing of other's pregnancies was way off base. We had newlywed friends come to stay with us and one morning she asked me for something to eat quick before we went out to breakfast for her morning sickness. SURPRISE- I was supposed to congratulate them! I couldn't even speak to her. I totally choked. I turned to my husband (it was his fault, after all, for even inviting them) and said I hope the english muffins aren't moldy- can you get one for her? Then went upstairs and cried, and put on my make-up and we never spoke a word about her pregnancy the rest of the weekend and I COULD NOT GET OVER IT. Poor girl! It had nothing to do with her- it was all me. Believe it or not, I'm actually a pretty laid back person.
It's not about you, she's just trying to get to the other side, where we all are. It's frustrating, heart-breaking, expensive and unfair to have to go through infertility. Just let her go through what she needs to go through. Call her, don't write it out in a letter. Tell her you miss her and want to be there for whatever she needs. You'd love to hear more about their experiences with IUI and whatever comes next. If they are desperate for children- they will expand their family one way or another so it's not a permanent situation, but it might be tough for a while longer.
Unexplained Infertility
After two Clomid cycles, three injectable IUI cycles, two IVFs, two miscarriages, and one lap surgery, IVF #2 has brought us our little boy!
TTC #2
After months of being postponed or cancelled, FET #1.3 (Natural FET) brought us twin girls!
Everyone is different. I have 2 friends TTC for a few years now. One delivered early and lost her little girl after almost 2 weeks. She is over the moon that I'm having a baby and loves to call or stop by to see how I'm doing, she came to my shower and has truly showered me with gifts and attention.
My other friend told me in the beginning that she is thrilled for me but unfortunately can't around me right now. She said she was jealous and it hurts to be jealous of someone she cares about so much and it makes her feel like a bad person. We send each other simple thinking of you cards that don't mention anything about babies. She sent a gift for my shower with her husband well before my shower and asked that she not be invited.
I am sad that I haven't actually seen or spoken to her in months and at times I don't want to be understanding but I've never had to go through something like this so I try not to judge her. I know it's not forever and after the baby is here she will gradually come back into my life ..... but it still hurts a bit.
I would not send a second letter......maybe instead of a letter asking her to meet up you can just send a thinking of you card and just say you miss her.
Please don't be offended by this ..but.....I personally wouldn't say I don't want to see her after the baby is born for those reasons as I think it's a bit mean. However, in this way too everyone is different and understand how you feel and you must do what you think you need to do in order to protect your own feelings... and if she's entitled to a communication haitus then surely you are as well.
Do what you must.... I hope it all works out.
After getting a glimpse into the situation, I get the feeling that her infertility is not at the heart of why she's being distant. I never lashed out either to my pregnant friends just like dragonfly, but I tried my hardest not to be put in a situation where I would feel uncomfortable. I have a friend whose been with her boyfriend for 8 years and they're still not engaged. When I got engaged, she asked that I didn't talk about the wedding around her. I never did, and almost 6 years later, she's still not engaged. It was easier with a wedding, but harder to hide a bump when hanging out. Could there be any other reason as to why she'd be angry with you? Sometimes a little thing can be exponentially worse once you throw in a pregnancy on top of it. I'm sorry that you're hurting, she's hurting, and the stress that its causing your family. Take care of your LO and yourself for the time being
If you love her and do not want to lose her, then send another letter. Keep the conversations about ANYTHING BUT pregnancies, babies, TTC struggles unless she is open to talk about it first.
And it would be a little harsh to cut her out of LO's life because she could not be there during your pregnancy.