Dads & Dads-to-be

Another Women here with a question Long.

Hello Gentleman I hope you don't mind me crashing. But I would like your input on something a little different. Its a long story and I apologize in advance.

Here a little background.
DH and I have been together 5 years we are still relatively young DH is 27 and I am 25 we have recently suffered 2 losses in a row. We found out she were expecting back in October. During u/s 8 wks got to hear not one but two heartbeats. I had a trip to the ER when I should have been around 14 wks and found out the babies had stopped growing at 10 wks 4 day and 11 wks 3 days. It was heartbreaking. Then to too it all off we found out we were expecting yet again about 3 wks ago, found out we were m/c again almost 2 wks ago, found out it was a heterotopic pregnancy 1 WK ago. Meaning there was a baby in Utero and I also had a baby in my tubes. Tuesday at a doctor visit they found out I was bleeding internally and had to take me to surgery. Remove our baby and my right tube. Now DH has been wonderful. I haven't had to lift a finger and he constantly reminds me its going to be OK. We talk about our losses and how much it just sucks. We have both cried together exc. Our relationship is a little odd. He is the emotional one who is good at sharing his feeling and talking about stuff. I am the one who has a harder time with this and do much better to write it down then to talk out loud. He wants a "football team" of kids as he let's it and is an absolute natural and I am not so good. In short he is everything I am not and certainly my better half. He has done said if we have another loss he is calling it quits. My biggest thing is I am so worried about him. Right now he is so focused on me and being strong for me. But is there anything I can do to help him? I have thought about ordering jewelry pieces for both of us in honor of our LO. If you were in our place would you appreciate this.
So often people ask about me. But SK rarely him. These were his babies too and he has been amazing. I want him to know that I know he lost something previous also. I don't want him to give up on me.

Daisypath Anniversary tickers November 22, 2012: Went into ER with spotting to discover my babies had stopped developing at 10 wks 4 days and 11 wks 3 days. Their hearts no longer beat. EDD:05/27/2013 Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers April 22, 2013: Found out I was miscarrying May 3, 2013:Saw baby in Utero and in tubes diagnosed with Heterotopic pregnancy May 7, 2013: Taken into surgery for tubal pregnancy baby and right tube was removed Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

Re: Another Women here with a question Long.

  • P.S.
    Sorry for all the typos I am mobile. Being lazy lying in bed. I MADE DH go out tonight. He deserved a break after all he has done for me this week.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers November 22, 2012: Went into ER with spotting to discover my babies had stopped developing at 10 wks 4 days and 11 wks 3 days. Their hearts no longer beat. EDD:05/27/2013 Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers April 22, 2013: Found out I was miscarrying May 3, 2013:Saw baby in Utero and in tubes diagnosed with Heterotopic pregnancy May 7, 2013: Taken into surgery for tubal pregnancy baby and right tube was removed Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
  • I'm sorry for your losses. I know what you are going through is hard.

    If your husband is the type to wear jewelry your idea might be ok, but a lot of men aren't so into it.

     The really important thing is to be there for each other. Also, he may want to try talking to a counselor at least once, even if just to vent.

    http://i.imgur.com/LQTLw2Q.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • PrimePrime
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper First Anniversary
    member

    Sounds like you two have a solid relationship (nice change of pace from the normal questions we get here).  Make sure to keep the communication lines open.

    If the jewelry is something you'll both appreciate and be a good thing for you then go for it.  We planted a rose bush in front of our house for our loss.


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  • We went through a loss early in our 1st pregnancy.  The focus will not be on you, not him... it is just the way it is.  As far as the jewelry thing, if your husband is one to wear jewelry, he may like it.  Personally, I don't wear jewelry (other than my wedding band), and if I did, I probably would choose to pass.  My 1st baby is and will always be on my mind, and I would not need something to remind me of him/her and having a reminder on my person of the loss I went through wouldn't be something I personally would want.  My wife and I both know that we miss our "Wilbur" (a pet name for our 1st pregnancy, we lost before 1st ultrasound), but we don't really talk about him/her much because it still hurts, not as much as at first, but it still hurts.  That is me, your husband may think something completely different.

    You want to do something for him... ask him how he's doing.  Let him get his feelings out.  If not with you, have him talk to his parents.  He may very well be bottling up some feelings to be strong for you.   Letting him have some time out in the world by himself is a good move too... give him a stretch of time where he doesn't feel like he's got to be "on duty" for you... not that he likely minds.

  • Sorry about the loss you guys are going through. Many of us here have gone through this as well, so we know what it feels like to go through it. I still think about it a lot, and it was nearly three years ago.

    Sometimes, as husbands, we want to do exactly what your husband is doing now. We just want to take care of the family, and "lock it down" so to speak.  I did it when we lost our first, and it was a way for me to get through the days without having to think about it.  Not that I wasn't dealing with it...I was, but on my terms.  I am emotional and have no issues when it comes to communicating with my wife, but with this, we talked about it in depth a total of two times.  It is still to overwhelming for me to focus on too long.

    We cried and cried and cried and held each other night after night for a long time, and that was our healing.  It is just such an intimate thing, sometimes I feel talking in depth about it does more harm than good.  Children are such a blessing, and losing one is the loss of a blessing in essence.  It is hard to vocalize about that without being overwhelmed by it all.

    As far as the fear to "get back on the horse", I think that is a common stage of the whole grieving process.  Again, people who want to be parents will do whatever they can to realize that dream. He will remember that before he sees ten little babies with their daddies!

    Your concern for your husband is very loving.  He is a lucky man to have a wife who cares about him so much.  Hold each other every chance you get as you go through this together.  Being close to one another as you deal with this intimate loss does not always need to be dictated by talking.  Hold each other and let your soft words and silence during those times be what heals the two of you.

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