February 2012 Moms

Is marriage really that hard?

This post is probably more appropriate for Thursdays SA, but I was busy at work yesterday, so I missed my chance.  And maybe it's a FFFC, but I am curious to hear other's opinions on it, so I thought I would call it out.  I feel like I hear constantly that "marriage is hard," and that "it takes a lot of work."  Do you find this to be true?  My DH and I definitely don't have a perfect marriage, and I'm not one to gloat about our marriage because we certainly have our troubles, but I have never found being married to him "hard" in any way. 

I find raising kids "hard," so I get the concept, but do you guys find marriage to be hard?  What do you find hard about your marriage? 

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Re: Is marriage really that hard?

  • Yeah, it is hard...I think most people are selfish by nature and to be married means to put selfishness away.  Compromise isn't easy, living with someone isn't easy, making decisions that impact not only your life isn't easy. 

    DH and I have had our share of troubles, and we had to make the choice to get through them or walk away.  We chose to work though them, but it wasn't (isn't) easy to do. 

    Life in general is hard, things aren't always easy for people.  Some have it easier than others - but I'm sure no one has had a cake walk of a life.  Throw another person into that and it is 2x as hard - or 2x as easy depending on where you are in life.

    There have been some phases where DH and I were in the perfect place at the same time...a couple years were total bliss...then things shift a little and it gets hard again.  I think most days trend toward easy, but there is usually something in the background that is needing work. 

    So yes, I think marriage is hard and takes work...from both sides!

    ETA: We've been married almost 9 years (together for 13) so maybe that has something to do with it?  Seems like we are on the longer end of marriage on the board.  It also may have something to do with age when you get married?  Have you had time to grow into your own person or have you always been a "we."

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  • Lena122Lena122
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    I wouldn't necessarily say it's hard. But I also don't think it's easy. Marriage takes work but I don't find that work to be more than I can handle it difficult to handle. Now H and I have only been married for 2 years... So ask me again in 5!
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  • Hmmm... good question. I don't think my relationship is hard. It's something that has come natural for us and that is not "hard." However, life is hard and it can be a stress on marriage. For example, last year, 3 days before my due date my FIL had surgery to remove a tumor in his esophagus and he then became terribly ill and they thought he was going to die (miraculously, he did not). We lived 5 hours from my ILs, and H would drive there almost daily to be there for his mother, but was worried I would go into labor at the same time. This was a very hard time. We didn't argue, but we tried to put his father and our baby first and go from there.

     

    I think you do have to work at a marriage- it's really easy to exist without working at your relationship. I think marriage is work because life is hard, but my relationship is not hard.  

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  • mkarnsmkarns
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    I don't think marriage is hard. We've been together for almost 5 years now and we've only had one big fight (pre marriage...about marriage). When we got married people always asked us "so did you have your first fight?" or "tell the truth...how is married life?".

    We were always dumbfounded. Why would getting married create problems? We obviously loved and respected each other enough to take the plunge. Why would that change now that we wear rings?

    Sure we have silly arguments about cleaning or work/life balance...But I would consider being married one of the least stressful things in my life. I need, love, and respect my husband and I've never had to tell him that I demand those things in return. He just gives them out unconditionally.

    Not saying hard times aren't ahead. I'm just saying they aren't now and should never be a constant.

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  • I think it really depends on the marriage and how both people in it evolve. It's easy for me to say that my marriage is easy right now, but I've only been married for five years. Even in that five years, there has been some hard parts, and there were lots of hard parts before we got married too. I'm sure most marriages start off fairly easy, but as people grow, and their needs change, so does their relationship. Right now, we're doing good, down the road, life could get more challenging, our relationship could become more challenging, new factors will come in to play, and though I hope we always find a way to handle them, it's hard to say how hard those things will be.

     

  • Mar5195Mar5195
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    I use to think that way. I'll be married 10 years in July. And yes Marriage is hard. I think we all go through moments when communication (which lets face it is the key to marriage) gets very difficult. We have phases were we totally feel synced and on the same page and then we have times where we are on separate pages. The key and I think the thing my DH and I have is we know how to get on the same page rather quickly. We fight but we like to make up and find resolution very quickly.
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  • I think for some people it is. It totally depends on the way you were raised, or in my case weren't raised. DH grew up in a really good family with morals and standards, I grew up with an alcoholic dad who cared more about a bar than me or my brother. So I had a lot of freedom and I got into a lot of trouble. I have life experiences  that DH doesn't. Because I grew up so independent, the first year of marriage was incredibly hard. We love each other so much, and us ending up together was an act of God, so we knew we wanted to make it work, but it was HARD! I didn't want to constantly think about another person all the time. I spent so many years thinking about me and how to survive, that it was difficult to think about DH feelings all the time. Also, it was super hard to trust him with everything because of what I had been thru. Now, our marriage is fun. We worked through the majority of our issues that first year. But when people talk about how marriage is hard, I don't doubt or judge them. There are a lot of things people bring into a marriage, and if you're not willing to let some of them go, marriage is going to be a struggle.

     



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  • lancyjolancyjo
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    image mkarns:

    I don't think marriage is hard. We've been together for almost 5 years now and we've only had one big fight (pre marriage...about marriage). When we got married people always asked us "so did you have your first fight?" or "tell the truth...how is married life?".

    We were always dumbfounded. Why would getting married create problems? We obviously loved and respected each other enough to take the plunge. Why would that change now that we wear rings?

    Sure we have silly arguments about cleaning or work/life balance...But I would consider being married one of the least stressful things in my life. I need, love, and respect my husband and I've never had to tell him that I demand those things in return. He just gives them out unconditionally.

    Not saying hard times aren't ahead. I'm just saying they aren't now and should never be a constant.

    This. We've been together 8 years, and married for almost five. Hubs is my best friend, my safe place when life gets nuts. Our relationship has definitely been the easiest thing in my life, even after having Aria.

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  • Our marriage is good most of the time. Right now its super stressful, Dh is working long hours to be able to get a promotion in the company. Which means I am at home with the kids by myself doing most the child care at the moment.  We are also building a house and we have COMPLETELY different views on budgets, what to slurpge on, what to go cheap on ect. I know that ultimately we will get through it just like we have when we've faced other hard times. But sometimes its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel and feeling like right now, our marriage is not the strongest. We are working on it and we are trying to communicate as best we can in our current situation.

  • image EmmaBoBemma:

    I think for some people it is. It totally depends on the way you were raised, or in my case weren't raised.......But when people talk about how marriage is hard, I don't doubt or judge them. There are a lot of things people bring into a marriage, and if you're not willing to let some of them go, marriage is going to be a struggle.

     

    I was going to say something along the same lines.  It truly depends, in my opinion, what 'baggage' you bring to the marriage.  And it depends on how each person handles the others 'baggage'.  For some handling those things is no big deal but for others it's an every day struggle.  And not that there's a true right or wrong way of doing things...you have to find what works best for your situation and that's always going to be different for each relationship and for every situation that may come up.  I don't think that marriage should be something that is a constant struggle but there are always things that are going to have to be worked on/through and, again, depending on each person in the relationship it will determine how easy or hard those things are and how they will impact the relationship in long run.  And for some working on 'struggles' may be super easy and the people involved may not really see it as a 'struggle'.  Whereas, another couple going through the exact same thing may end up in divorce over it.  Whether things are easy or hard I think plays a lot into the personality/person specifically of those involved.

     The topic of building a house came up and the poster said they weren't sure their marriage was going to survive it.  Someone commented, oh it's not that bad.(I'm paraphrasing all this).  I'll tell ya, if my exH and I (ironic) had built our house from start to finish, I would've killed him.  We caught our house being built, it was framed, and we got to "help" in the finishing process.  It was TERRIBLE!  If I had had to done it from picking out a lot, picking out a floor plan, etc there's no way we would've made it(though we ended up not making it for other reasons). 

    Anyway, my point is that I do think marriage can be "that" hard and "that" much work depending on those involved.  And again, for some, certain things are just more of an issue and harder for people to deal with than they are for others.  Do I think anyone that has a perfect relationship is lying?  Nope!  Do I think that people who struggle frequently in their relationship are doomed for divorce?  Nope!  It's all about finding how to work through and deal with the relationship and making things work...which for some is easier said than done, and takes willing participants.

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  • I also think it is important to note that hard =/= work.  Even if you have the best marriage in the world, you still have to work at it.  I don't believe it comes naturally and would dig deeper into anyone who said it didn't take work because I bet we have different opinions on what "work" means in a relationship!

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  • I think marriage has phases of hard times and better times.. DH and I have been together almost 12 years, married for 5. We were 21 and 22 when we married so we've done a lot of growing up together.

    The first year was hard because we had to learn to live together and be adults in a way. I don't really think being married was the hard part, being young was the hard part. We were both trying to get school finish and careers started and we were always broke. Not that money fixes everything, but having that monkey off your back is a great stress relief. 

    Things have been really great for the last 2 years or so. I think our best years are still ahead.

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  • It doesn't have to be, but it takes work. Like a PP said, it's hard to always take someone else's feelings into account all the time when things that are important to one person aren't important to the other. Also, it's hard when only one person wants to put any work into the marriage and the other doesn't want to make the effort.

    What's hard about my marriage? See the above. Sad

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  • image MrMrsandBaby:

    Yeah, it is hard...I think most people are selfish by nature and to be married means to put selfishness away.  Compromise isn't easy, living with someone isn't easy, making decisions that impact not only your life isn't easy. 

    DH and I have had our share of troubles, and we had to make the choice to get through them or walk away.  We chose to work though them, but it wasn't (isn't) easy to do. 

    Life in general is hard, things aren't always easy for people.  Some have it easier than others - but I'm sure no one has had a cake walk of a life.  Throw another person into that and it is 2x as hard - or 2x as easy depending on where you are in life.

    There have been some phases where DH and I were in the perfect place at the same time...a couple years were total bliss...then things shift a little and it gets hard again.  I think most days trend toward easy, but there is usually something in the background that is needing work. 

    So yes, I think marriage is hard and takes work...from both sides!

    This is pretty much my experience, though my relationship hasn't lasted as long as MrMrsAndBaby (yet, I hope!).  Marriage is hard for me because it's hard for me to be selfless when I ought to be. 

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  • I would say that it's very easy to let your marriage slip by not constantly working at it... maybe HARD isn't the right word.  But it is a living, changing relationship that must always be nurtured and worked on and a priority... and it is very easy to let those things go once you become comfortable and focused on careers and a baby. 


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  • MollySmMollySm
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    I agree with the, maybe not hard but definitely work group.  And with the, sometimes it depends on baggage group.  My H grew up in a disaster of a family, and that impacts our relationship (in particular he has a very hard time trusting women).  It's worth it to work through, he's my best friend, we adore each other, he's a great husband, and we knew going into it that it would be work, but it's not always easy.  I love the times that are easy, and I trust that we learn a lot from the times that are hard.  

    Having one person in school, being on tight budget, and having children certainly have added to our stress, but again, I think we're also gaining a lot from going through all this as a team.   

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  • image Lena122:
    I wouldn't necessarily say it's hard. But I also don't think it's easy. Marriage takes work but I don't find that work to be more than I can handle it difficult to handle. Now H and I have only been married for 2 years... So ask me again in 5!

    I agree. Down the the 2 years and everything! :) 

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  • There are days- about once a month- where it is hard. Usually, I thoroughly enjoy it. It takes effort. I feel like it is more like mountain climbing, and less like sliding down a waterslide. You need to always have the other person in mind- I am really selfish, so that takes a little more effort for me. 
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