Pregnant after a Loss

How would you do this?

A friend of mine has been struggle with IF for a couple years now.  Right after I found out I was pregnant she was doing an IVF cycle.  I was praying it would take so I waited to tell her we are pregnant.  Well it didn't take and I am 8 wks along now.  How do I tell her.  I just don't want her to feel bad but I also don't want her to feel bad that I am hiding it from her.  I think she may be doing another cycle of IVF in the next month so do I just wait and see? 

Re: How would you do this?

  • That's a tough one, you know your friend best, would it hurt her more to hear about your pregnancy? Or to find out you've been hiding it from her?

    If you were in that situation, what would you want?
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    TTC since January, 2011 | Me: 40, DH: 38 |DX: DOR and Uterine Fibroids | Natural BFP#1 January 31, 2012 | Harrison Gray born sleeping @ 18w6d on May 11, 2012 | Three surgeries and 26 fibroids later. . . | Natural cycle = BFN | 2 medicated cycles = BFN | IUI#1 = BFN | IUI#2 = Cancelled due to poor response | IVF#1=BFP#2 EDD 10/29/13, C/P 2/25/13, Bye little Ish | Natural cycle = BFP#3, Beta 1=1250, Beta 2=2230, EDD 12/21/13, Baby Boots born 11/23/13 My rainbow baby! |

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  • I struggled with IF for two years. I'd tell her via email before you announce on FB. Over email she can cry by herself and pull her self together before she responds. I was always happy for others news but it made me sad it wasn't my turn.

    After 2 losses and secondary infertility our family is now complete!


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  • image KKDRAGONFLY:
    I struggled with IF for two years. I'd tell her via email before you announce on FB. Over email she can cry by herself and pull her self together before she responds. I was always happy for others news but it made me sad it wasn't my turn.
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  • image KKDRAGONFLY:
    I struggled with IF for two years. I'd tell her via email before you announce on FB. Over email she can cry by herself and pull her self together before she responds. I was always happy for others news but it made me sad it wasn't my turn.

     

    This is kind of what I was planning on doing but I don't even know what or how to say it? 

  • image KKDRAGONFLY:
    I struggled with IF for two years. I'd tell her via email before you announce on FB. Over email she can cry by herself and pull her self together before she responds. I was always happy for others news but it made me sad it wasn't my turn.

     

    I agree!

    Although - I would advise you to wait until after Mother's Day. That is hard enough day when you don't know if you'll ever be a mom. I find it so much harder when I have to think about "so and so is celebrating Mother's Day happy and pregnant while my womb is empty."

    Somehow pregnant women always bothered me more then women with children on Mother's Day. So I'd just advise waiting until afterward. 

     

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    3 Angel Babies - EDD 09-08-11, EDD 01-10-12, EDD 06-09-12
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  • image KKDRAGONFLY:
    I struggled with IF for two years. I'd tell her via email before you announce on FB. Over email she can cry by herself and pull her self together before she responds. I was always happy for others news but it made me sad it wasn't my turn.

     This, exactly.... I too appreciated hearing via e-mail so I could respond when I felt emotionally up to it.  My friends and family all knew my struggles and this is how they let me know about their pregnancies.  I would have hated to have read it on facebook or hear it through the grapevine.  

    Me 33, DH 34
    TTC summer 2008
    Diagnose me. DOR, DH perfect
    IUI # 1 6/2010, BFN
    IUI # 2 8/2010, BFN
    IVF # 1 10/2010 Canceled poor response
    IVF 1.2 12/2010 BFP! mc 6 weeks 2 days
    Mental health break for 10 months
    IVF # 2 10/2011 BFN
    IVF # 3 5/2012 BFP! 10 eggs retrieved (best ever)
    7 fertilized transferred 3
    Beta #1 14dpo - 72, Beta #2 17dpo 145 Beta 3 20dpo 521
    First u/s June 15 saw HB 126 bpm missed m/c 7/5/12 10 weeks D&C 7/6/12
    IVF#4 ER 9/30 ET 10/3 Beta 10/16 BFFN. IVF #5 final with o/e. ER 1/21 only 1 retrieved, hoping my lonestar is the one. Beta #1 2/6/13 = 209.... please let this be it! Keep growing lonestar! Beta #2 2/8/13 - 586! , Beta #3 2/10/13 = 1898. First u/s perfect little heart beat at 116 bpm. Measure 6 weeks 1 day. EDD 10/14/13
    3/4/13 measuring right on track beautiful heartbeat 171 bpm, graduated from RE to OB... bittersweet.
    PAIF/SAIF always welcome! Its a girl!

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    TTC#2  No birth control since DD was born.  Getting ready to jump back in the saddle.  Weaning this month. RE
    appt scheduled 5/8.   Here we go again!



  • image KKDRAGONFLY:
    I struggled with IF for two years. I'd tell her via email before you announce on FB. Over email she can cry by herself and pull her self together before she responds. I was always happy for others news but it made me sad it wasn't my turn.

    This. I've never dealt with IF, but I asked this question on PAIF and this was their advice. 

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  • image Tigger & pooh:

    image KKDRAGONFLY:
    I struggled with IF for two years. I'd tell her via email before you announce on FB. Over email she can cry by herself and pull her self together before she responds. I was always happy for others news but it made me sad it wasn't my turn.

     


    This is kind of what I was planning on doing but I don't even know what or how to say it? 


    I'd keep it simple. Just say you are pregnant.

    After 2 losses and secondary infertility our family is now complete!


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  • Tell her that you care about her. I would also acknowledge that she shouldn't feel obligated to respond until she's ready.
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    3 Angel Babies - EDD 09-08-11, EDD 01-10-12, EDD 06-09-12
    Diagnosed with a chromosomal translocation. (10 & 17)--- Onto IVF!
    IVF #1, 2,and 3 - All Failures

    IVF #4 - March 2013 - BFP! --- EDD 12-19-13
    Our Rainbow arrived 12/23/2013
    imageimage
    All AL ladies welcome

  • I had a similar situation with one of my BFF's.  Their first IVF cycle took but I chose to tell her via email so that she could process in her own time and not feel obligated to "put on a happy face" for me.  I knew she and her H would be happy for us but that it may take some time.

    She knew about my ectopic loss so had some inkling that we were trying again.

    BFP 2/14/08, DD1 born 10/11/08 (natural); BFP 5/16/10, DD2 born 01/12/11 (c/s, breech)
    TTC #3: BFP 4/27/12, Ectopic 5/16/12 Expectant Management, 8/15/12 Cleared to TTC
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    image jenek0213:

    image KKDRAGONFLY:
    I struggled with IF for two years. I'd tell her via email before you announce on FB. Over email she can cry by herself and pull her self together before she responds. I was always happy for others news but it made me sad it wasn't my turn.

     

    I agree!

    Although - I would advise you to wait until after Mother's Day.


    +1 (minus the struggling wit IF)

    TTC #2 Since October '10

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    MMC: 4/16/12 at 11w2d -- Baby measured 10w3d -- D&C 4/19/2012

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  • My GF and I have been going through fertility treatments together for a year.  She has had way more struggles than me (including surgeries) and I have been blessed, twice, with pregnancy.  Her last round of treatments failed.  I've been living your scenario.

    I would sit down (now) and tell her how much she means to you and that you are by her side every step of her journey, but you need to be honest with her and then I would just tell her.  She'll probably be bummed, but not selfishly, but you can both be supportive of the other.  Good luck Tigger, this is a hard one! ((HUGS))


    me:40; DH:41; 4/30/12 1st visit with RE; 6/30/12 IUI #1 BFN; 7/19/12 IUI cancelled (overmedicated); 8/2/12 IUI cancelled (cyst); 9/1/12 IUI #2 BFP! EDD 5/28/13; 10/9/12 1st U/S at 7w3d--missed m/c (trisomy 16) D&C 10/19/12; karyotyping results normal!; 1/31/13 IUI #3 BFP! EDD 10/25/13 Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers Lilypie Maternity tickers
  • image jenek0213:

    image KKDRAGONFLY:
    I struggled with IF for two years. I'd tell her via email before you announce on FB. Over email she can cry by herself and pull her self together before she responds. I was always happy for others news but it made me sad it wasn't my turn.

    I agree!

    Although - I would advise you to wait until after Mother's Day. That is hard enough day when you don't know if you'll ever be a mom. I find it so much harder when I have to think about "so and so is celebrating Mother's Day happy and pregnant while my womb is empty."

    Somehow pregnant women always bothered me more then women with children on Mother's Day. So I'd just advise waiting until afterward. 

    All of this.

    Although if you do it via email, make sure you tell her why you chose to do it that way, so she won't think you're just being impersonal.

    Maybe I'm the odd one out, but I always preferred a phone call. But that may be because I'm good at hiding my emotions in my voice but not in my face.

    Good luck!

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