Adoption

Feeling Weepy (long, and not really adoption related)

M's behavior has been slowly getting worse over the past month or two, and it's gotten to the point of pervasive disrespect.  He never does what you ask him to without us having to repeat it several times, you can't talk to him about anything remotely serious without him making silly faces/noises/gestures, if you joke or play around with him he'll say something hurtful/nasty/mean, he's just turning into a pain-in-the- teen.

None of this would be a problem on it's own, except he's never been like this and it's getting worse instead of better.  He knows that we always want to discuss why his behavior goes off the rails, and to really focus on finding better ways to address it if there's something bothering him, so now he's taken to giving us sob stories about his past to try to get out of punishments.  Now, this is tricky, because M's early life was a *** storm to be true, but he's clearly pulling these stories out now to try to not have to pay the piper.  Initially, we fell for it some, and so now he does it every time, even though the only thing is leave us all scratching our heads, and him still in trouble.  (I know his first mom's been on his mind a lot, but it's just clear in what he says that he's using this as an excuse after the fact rather than it being the real reason (at least on the surface; it may be the real reason deep-down, but if it is playing a part, I don't think he realizes it).)

For a while, I thought he was only doing this to me, and somewhat to the nanny.  It seemed to make sense, because he's upset I'm quitting my job...because that means he's going to lose the nanny as a regular caregiver.  He's really upset about this, told me he's angry with me about it, and I can understand how hard it will be for him to lose someone so important to him again.  We have told him that she will always be part of his life, may watch him sometimes when my husband and I go out, but she just won't be watching him every weekday like she does now.

Last week, his report card came home, saying he wasn't focusing as much in class and that he was being somewhat disruptive.  That was our first inkling that this isn't just about me.  We had a talk with him over the weekend, and he clearly knew his behavior wasn't okay even before we mentioned it, and he promised to do better.  But yesterday, his teacher e-mailed me that it happened again.  She's had several talks with him to no avail.  He's basically trying to be the class clown, and it's gotten out of hand.

We had therapy last night, after he acted out towards the nanny and J, and we addressed all of this again.  We told him that it is not appropriate to make faces/jokes/silly movements in a serious setting, like school, therapy, or conversations with adults.  We explained that it is rude, shows he's not taking it seriously or interested, and that it's disrespectful and will not be tolerated.

Then we went home to finish his homework, and he did it, repeatedly, to me while I was helping him!  AURGH!!!!!

He's been having more anger outbursts and his behavior is just regressing and regressing, and I'm starting to get worried that we are seeing the impulsivity common to FASD.  I'm so upset and can't figure out what is typical tween/teen-aged bs vs. him really not being able to control himself.  This is particularly on my mind because when we talk to him about his acting out in anger, he tells me, of his own accord, "I can't control it," "I want to stop but I can't," and "I try so hard, but sometimes I just can't stop."

So, I'm sitting here at my desk, the phone rings, and it's the therapist, wanting to discuss M's sharing issues (this was what caused his little fit yesterday just before our session).  She had some ideas, but by the time we were done, we both seemed to agree that it's totally a control thing for him.  He shares happily when he wants, and tries to make you feel guilty for even asking when he wants to hurt you/make you feel bad.  Whatever.  As infuriating as it is, it's small potatoes compared to all the rest.  She's just not the person I want to be having an unsolicited conversation with at work when I'm minding my own business and this is not what I want what I want to be discussing when I'm trying to forget the mess that we're currently wading through.

My husband's staying out of town tonight, so I can't even relax and talk about this absurdity with anyone right now.  I can't wait for the weekend.  BAAAAHHHHH!

Re: Feeling Weepy (long, and not really adoption related)

  • ellekaeellekae
    Seventh Anniversary 250 Answers 500 Comments Combo Breaker
    member

    I am so sorry that you are going through this struggle! I can't imagine how difficult it must be to love him so much and feel like you are just not able to get through to him.

    I am praying for you and your family right now?that you'll find relief from the stress, that M will be able to get a handle on his behavior, that you'll have relentless patience and grace with him, and that everything will go smoothly with your transition home.

    Hugs!

    Our Adoption Blog & Fundraising Efforts

    Heading to China in November 2014 to bring our son home!

  • No advice, but big hugs!! I used to teach middle school, so I know that tweens are hard work no matter how you cut it. I'm sure that adding SNs AND adoption related issues into the mix and trying to figure out what is typical and what is not, adds a whole new element of difficult to the situation. Good luck, and I hope everything works itself out soon! :-)
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  • I could have written most of this post myself. My 8 year old makes faces when you are disciplining him. I think he's anxious and nervous and that his way of dealing with it. But it's extremely frustrating.

    As far as sort of sabotaging fun times, our therapist explained it as he's getting close and it can be uncomfortable for them. Testing the boundaries. So self sabotaging makes the anxiety go away.

    We are going through a lot of talking back, disrespect, etc too. Some is age but I worry what else it is.

    My son says the exact same things. I want to stop but I can't. I can't control myself. I feel silly. You get the idea. We are working on it. He gets some passes, but also he has to learn to control it. But I feel like its a constant struggle.

    I'm on mobile so this is short but let me know if you have any questions. I feel like we have similar stories!
  • BenandSuzy, how long has your son been home with you?  We went through all this originally when M came home (and much worse), but he's been behaving great for over a year and a half, and not this is all new again.
  • We just celebrated 6 years. He was also in OT for sensory issues and therapy for attachment issues. Though that was more for me and how to handle him and his behavior and what it means.
  • So this could still be some of the same issues coming to the surface.  Got it.

     

    Thanks. 

  • SpookoSpooko
    10000 Comments 250 Answers 500 Love Its Second Anniversary
    member
    No real advice but I'm sorry your in a rough patch. I hope it smooths out soon.

  • No real advice, but also sending you hugs. Hope things calm down for M.
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  • That is a lot to handle! I hope things settle down very soon.
    November '11-January '12- Three IUIs with donor sperm- BFN x 3
    April '12-December '12- Foster to adopt- All inappropriate referrals
    January '13-December '13- Domestic Infant Adoption- Never had a match
    May '14- FET #1 with 2 adopted embryos (lost 2 more in thawing)- BFN
    July '14- FET #2 with 2 adopted embryos (lost 1 more in thawing)- BFP EDD: 4/5/15 / Miscarriage @ 8w4d (2 D&C's)
    Nov '14- FET #3 with adopted embryos?


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  • PanderpPanderp
    Fourth Anniversary 10 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    member
    Oof. What a tough situation. I don't have any advice, but I really hope that it's a phase or something you guys can work through. 
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