Working Moms

When/ How often do you see Grandparents?

We have two sets of grandparents, and my own grandmother.  I was a SAHM until 3 mos. ago.  We were able to see all of the grandparents every week, and it set a precedent.  Now, I feel like it takes up all of our weekend time, and we never get to do any daytrips just as the 3 of us.  I really miss it.

So, when and how often do you see the grandparents?

 

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Re: When/ How often do you see Grandparents?

  • we go to DH's family's for dinner every weekend.  I usually stop by my parents or they come by us one afternoon.  I'm a teacher and my mom will usually take a day off when I have time off to do a day trip
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  • My mom lives about 45 minutes from us. We see her about once a month. It'd be more often if she was willing to come to us.
    ILs live 5 miles away. Previously they watched dd instead of taking her to DC so we rarely saw th em on weekends. With the addition of ds the kids will be at DC instead and I think we will probably see them once or twice a month. They're very involved in their church so aren't very available Sundays and we have lots of stuff on Saturdays.
  • DH's parents are divorced and live here in town, so pretty much every weekend we have to make time for one or both of them.  They will usually come over to our house, so at least we don't have to go anywhere.  Rarely MIL comes over during the week if DH and I want to go out or if she's going to be out of town on the weekends.  Their visits tend to be a few hours long. 

    My parents live 500 miles away, so their visits aren't as often.  They come maybe once a month, usually every 6 weeks or so and stay for the weekend.  DD and I make a few trips there each year to visit my family and DH comes with us every couple of trips.

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  • ugg - just got back from a dinner tonight. We see my parents every week that we are in the same state (they got to Florida for a lot of the winter), which I'm fine with since they are usually coming to us and/or taking us out to dinner (no cooking!!). We see the in-laws a little less b/c they don't come to us as much. I'm not a huge fan of my ILs plus FIL smokes and I can't stand the smell, it seriously gives me an instant headache - and needless to say I don't like DD being around it. I feel your pain with it taking a chunk out of the weekend!
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  • DS has three sets of grandparents between DH and I. Seeing them depends on schedules and where they live. DH's parents get to see DS the most because they live in town. They come over for dinners 2-3 times a week and my MIL watches DS every other weekend (the only time DH and I are both at work).

    My mom lives an hour away and she either comes here or I go there at least twice a month. My dad and stepmom live about a half hour further that same direction, but I've only seen them once since DS was born....I'm driving over there tomorrow.

    As far as MY grandparents, I made a 4 hour trip to visit one of them during my maternity leave, but the rest live out of state so they've only gotten coos over the phone and pictures mailed.

    To keep things as fair as possible I try to visit (or ask over) each set of parents equally. For example I needed a babysitter on an odd Friday last week and my MIL couldn't do it. I asked my mom who was more than happy to help. Next time something like that arises I'll ask my stepmom and dad.

    You should be able to cut back your visits, just be sure to do it equally or you might have hard feelings. I think your parents should understand that you guys need/want core family time. 

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  • image trombgirl:

    To keep things as fair as possible I try to visit (or ask over) each set of parents equally. For example I needed a babysitter on an odd Friday last week and my MIL couldn't do it. I asked my mom who was more than happy to help. Next time something like that arises I'll ask my stepmom and dad.

    You should be able to cut back your visits, just be sure to do it equally or you might have hard feelings. I think your parents should understand that you guys need/want core family time. 

    Well, yes... my own parents understand and will be flexible.  However, my ILs refuse to give up any  time, and in fact, feel that once per week isn't even enough. (smothering much?)  At that point, I just have to decide if it's worth it to be unfair to my own parents and grandmother who are understanding, for the sake of some family time for the 3 of us... what a headache.

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  • OP, I can totally relate. DHs parents don't thnk once a week is enough time with Lillian. We didn't go over this weekend, probably the first time in months. We see my parents about every other weekend. My parents understand and they actually have things to do on the weekend as do we. I need to get this under control and go every other weekend to their house and even that is too much for me. I don't like them.  

    Lillian April 17, 2012
  • image lorist202:
    image trombgirl:

    To keep things as fair as possible I try to visit (or ask over) each set of parents equally. For example I needed a babysitter on an odd Friday last week and my MIL couldn't do it. I asked my mom who was more than happy to help. Next time something like that arises I'll ask my stepmom and dad.

    You should be able to cut back your visits, just be sure to do it equally or you might have hard feelings. I think your parents should understand that you guys need/want core family time. 

    Well, yes... my own parents understand and will be flexible.  However, my ILs refuse to give up any  time, and in fact, feel that once per week isn't even enough. (smothering much?)  At that point, I just have to decide if it's worth it to be unfair to my own parents and grandmother who are understanding, for the sake of some family time for the 3 of us... what a headache.

    Ouch. That is a headache. Maybe have DH talk to his parents?

    I feel for you. The one grandparent I saw (and drove 4 hours with a 6 week old to see) made a couple comments about how she hopes it's not 10 years before she sees DS again. She lives quite a bit away and it's hard for me to get time off work to drive up that far and back, yet I still manage to visit her 2-3 times a year.... sheesh. My other grandparents see me once a year or less and haven't met DS in person at all yet....

    GL to you.

     

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  • I can relate to one side demanding more time. For me that's my mom. As I said above we see her about once a month , and it's never "enough" but neither is once a week. I've just stuck to what works for us and she has learned to accept what she gets
  • DH has a very big family who all live nearby and get together constantly. We see them about every two or three weeks. My parents live 6 hours away and we see them every two or three months on average.

    My IL's used to get annoyed if they didn't see us every single weekend but I felt just like you do. We need our weekends to clean, run errands, and also have time together as our little family. I have been firm about it and it's finally getting better.
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  • That seems overwhelming to try and see everyone every week!  My IL's live 2+hours away, they have seen DD 4 times total (she is 12 weeks) and they came to us 3 of those times.  My parents live 7 hours away, my mom stayed 2.5 weeks when DD was born and then we visited them for a week before I went back to work.  So maybe we are on the low side, but we don't see grandparents that much.  That being said we do have FaceTime dates, but those are quick and easy and on our schedule.  Good luck, I really value our time as a small little family of three, so set your new limits and stick to it! GL
  • We see them when we have time or when we are invited.  No one invites us weekly, but every few months my mom or dad (divorced) will invite us over for dinner.  We go unless we have something planned already, but they give us several weeks notice.   DHs parents visit every few months and we visit them every few months, but they are 200 miles away so it's not close, but not impossible for a weekend.  We do a quick dinner or I will bring DD for lunch on days I have off.  It seems to keep everyone happy.
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  • We do not live near family. DH's parents are three hours away and we usually see them about once every 6-8 weeks. Most of the time they come to us. We're more than 1000 miles away from my folks and we try to see them on holidays.
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  • The kids see my MIL probably 5 days a week.  She is very involved.  She's our main babysitter as well.  My FIL comes around every few months.  We see my mom maybe every month or two, and my dad lives 6 hours away, so we don't see him often.

     You saw them a lot when you were a SAHM, you had time then.  I don't think you need to keep seeing them as much as you did before...things change.  I wouldn't spend my whole weekend visiting family, definitely do things with just the 3 of you.  Maybe you could incorporate the family in an activity you do...

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  • My parents live a mile away and are very involved, pick kids up from school, spend weekends w them etc. My inlaws live in another state, they don't come visit
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  • You say they refuse to give up time, but how can they refuse? You just simply stop going as much. You are the parents now. It sounds like they are treating you as if you are still children under their control.

    We don't see my family very much, but we are close with my ILs. Even then, we only see them once every month or two. We're busy and they're busy. They know we like to have time as our own little family too.
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  • We also have 2 sets of grandparents, but none of them are local.  DH's parents are a 1.5 hour drive away.  We will go up maybe once a month, and they will drive down once or twice a month.  They both work including some weekends, so they don't have a lot of time to see us.  My parents are a 2 hour plane ride away.  They are both retired, so they have time to fly down.  It's about once every other month.  We will go up 2 or 3 times a year.
  • jefkjefk
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    As a soon-to-be FTM (due 6/11), this thread has been really interesting.  Right now, we see my parents more often than my in-laws, though both live about an hour away.  H doesn't have the best relationship with his parents, and we both just get along better with my parents.  We see his parents probably once every 4-6 weeks, and mine every 2-3 weeks.  My parents are very excited to be grandparents - they're taking a grandparents course at the hospital where I'll be delivering, they have a bunch of hand-me-down stuff from friends whose grandkids are older, and I just feel more comfortable having the baby around them.  My ILs refused to take the grandparents course (MIL said it was too long of a drive - an hour - and they'll just "buy a book or something").  My MIL is having a "grandma shower" at work and she's hoping to get lots of baby stuff, but I think she's just interested because she likes the attention.  I know this is going to cause problems in the long run, and I hate to feel like I'm sneaking over to my parents house, but both H and I agree that we feel more comfortable spending time with my parents.  Keep the good advice coming!
  • My parents are about 45 mins away. We see them about every other weekend, but they almost always come to us. And never over stay their welcome.

    My FIL lives across the country, but DH's sister lives 25 mins away and comes to visit at least twice a month, but she will come during the week, which is very helpful when DH works late.

    What if you try having them over for dinner on a Thursday or Friday?
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  • My family lives 20 minutes away, so we usually seem them every weekend.  That said, we've had to set some limits so that we can actually get some stuff done on the weekends as little actually gets done during the week (household chores, etc.)

    After much haggling, I basically laid down the law and invited my parents over for dinner every Saturday.  DS goes to bed at 7:00 pm, so it's just not really feasible for us to take him over there.  A meltdown happens all the time.

    Otherwise, we might see them for a few hours one afternoon, or we'll drop DS off for a few hours, do a million chores (which DS hates anyway) and then go pick him up.

    My ILs live several states away, so when we do see them, it's a 24/7 thing over a weekend.  I barely survive each time.

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  • image Teacher Clark:
    You say they refuse to give up time, but how can they refuse? You just simply stop going as much. You are the parents now. It sounds like they are treating you as if you are still children under their control.

    Agree with this.  Honestly, you have to do what is right for your family.  It will be a bumpy transition from their perspective but they will adapt and deal with it.  

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  • We try to visit every yr for a wknd. Both sets of g-parents live on 2k mi away. DD2 has never met her g-ma.
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  • jlaOKjlaOK
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    My parents live about 45 min away and IL's live 2.5 hrs away but come to our area pretty often. We probably see each around once a month. Honestly, I can't imagine seeing either set once a week. I feel like our weekend are so short and we try to cram in as much "family" time as possible. Adding in seeing grandparents on top of that seems like too much. I'd have your DH talk to his parents and let them know that the once a week visits aren't going to happen anymore.
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  • About once a month for each pair, so 2 weekends a month are spent with grandparents and 2 weekends a month are just the 3 of us.  It seems like a good balance.  And it really is all about setting a precedent.  Both sets would be around more often if we let them!

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  • We don't live near by...so I'd say around once a quarter...maybe every other month.  It depends. This summer we'll be seeing them a lot more because we have vacations with each side.
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  • I can't imagine spending all weekend, every weekend, with extended family.  I'm exhausted just hearing about it.

    Go ahead and make your day trip plans.  If they ask about it, just say, oh we have plans.  You are in charge of your life. 

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  • 3 times a week with the in laws...they watch dd for me for a few hours.   Also, once on the weekend.  OP it got overwhelming for my dh and I.  He finally started saying no you can't come over and they've respected that very well.  They always ask first and it is up to us to say no.  I'm guessing that's where you need to start...

    My parents once a month, they live farther away, otherwise I'd like to see them more.   

  • A few times per year. Usually we see my parents 3-4 times per year for a total of 8-10 days. We typically see H's family 2-3 times per year, also for a total of 8-10  days. Both of our families live a plane ride away in opposite directions.

    We are probably on the low end of normal visiting. Is it possible for either set of parents to visit with your LOs on a week night giving you and your H a night w/o kids? Alternatively, would the families be ok with doing an event all together some or all of the time? Like can each family unit host the whole group once per week so you only have one event to go to?

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  • We have kind of an odd situation. My parents live about 30 minutes away, my MIL's place is about an hour. DH works most weekends. So DS and I will usually go visit my parents for a while most Saturdays. If I have errands to run, I leave DS with my mom so he can get his nap in while I grocery shop or whatever. We see my MIL when we can, usually every couple of months. I am much closer to my mom than DH is to his, so we both see our parents about as often as we would like. However, MIL would like to see us more. It is hard for her to understand how little time we get together as a family and that we don't want to give that up on all the time to make the trip to see her.
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  • hocushocus
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    About every other week for the local grandparents and maybe 4-5 times a year for my parents who are 6 hours away.
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