Thank you will NEVER be enough. It's so hard to comprehend everything that you all did for me and my family tonight. DH knows about my participation on The Bump boards but never knew the extent until tonight when I showed him what you all have done for us. He was in absolute awe and so very grateful. The tears in his eyes were reflective of all your lit candles and kind words and prayers. Many of your DH/ SO also said such lovely things which just goes to show that, while in a bit of a different way, they feel this pain too.
I will be writing many of your words, poems and prayers into my journal that I've kept since learning of this pregnancy. Each and every single post was read and appreciated beyond explanation. Truly amazed by you women. Completely.
The remainder of my last day with Liam:
After three hours of meds for dilation I was called back. The nurse began an IV and roughly a half hour later I was taken to the procedure room. I was given IV sedation (twilight) and was very quickly "not aware". I felt no pain and remember absolutely nothing during the procedure. Thank goodness. I just remember before going under that I said hello to the doctor and that I wish I didn't have to let him go because we love him so very much. Then I looked at the nurse and said, "His name is Liam". That's the last thing I remember before waking up in recovery. I did get sick one time but it wasn't bad. Ive had pretty minimal bleeding so far. I slept for awhile there, although I have no idea how long. I got Liam's tiny little footprints and hand prints...they are perfect.
I did go to see him. I told them that I'd like to see his little hands and feet if possible. I believe that someone prepared him for that. When I walked in I saw a glass dish with a tiny paper towel. I could see his hands and feet where they would be. And although I never touched the paper towel, I knew there was nothing else below it. And that is ok. I knew that would most likely be the case. But those hands and feet were so beautiful. I first touched his feet so tiny and frail but I know he is strong now. Then I touched his tiny little hands and fingers...hands and fingers that will always hold a piece of my heart. I will never regret the decision to see him, ever. I said some things to him that I hope he could hear from Heaven. DH was very worried about me seeing Liam. I reassured him its what I needed and he understood, just as I understood his decision not to view him. I will never question him as that was his decision to only picture Liam in his mind. I think that is just as beautiful. Later at home DH wanted to see the hand and footprints and was in awe and in love. We will always treasure them. I hope to someday soon use them to have imprinted onto a piece of jewelry.
This may be my last post just for a bit. I don't think it's all really hit me yet and I'm sure the next few days at the least will be tough. I know I'll be back just not quite sure when, and when I do most of my time will be spent on PAL and TTCAL. Although there's a very high chance that we will no longer be trying I think we need to give ourselves some time before closing that door completely.
Please accept my thanks and love for all that you've done for me, DH, DS and our angel...Liam.
***BFP 1-22-13, baby boy dx with Trisomy 13 at 15 weeks.
We let him go to Heaven on 4-27-13 at 17 weeks 1 day***