Parenting after a Loss

Ummm... Really???

I wrote a blog post about lots of things, one of which was why you shouldn't ever ask a mom if the baby she's holding is her first or her only child, same for a pregnant woman.  This was a really honest post about something that constantly breaks my heart.  I posted it on FB because I try to speak out on stuff like that and break the silence about it all.  A FB friend of mine apparently read it and posted this today:

"I read a blog entry yesterday about why it's insensitive to see a woman with a baby and ask, "Is this your first child?" I would like to add that it is also insensitive to ask, "Is that your baby?" I mean, I know I'm old and she looks nothing like me, but she really is my kid! :-)"

Are you sh!!tting me???? You think this is the same issue?  I really want to throat punch her.  What I really want to do it comment and say "My blog post wasn't about that, it was about how it breaks my heart every time I lie and say that he is my only child because my first one died.  How you can compare this to being offended that people think you're too old to have a baby boggles my mind. "  Ugh I'm so p!ssed right now.  She either COMPLETELY missed the point of my blog or she's just an idiot. 

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Re: Ummm... Really???

  • I'm sorry she upset you.  I'm going to play devil's advocate and say that maybe she was trying to relate to your post because people have such difficulty understanding what dealing with a loss is like.  With my parents, they had lost a child (my brother), were older and I didn't look like either of them because I was adopted, so I know they struggled with both questions from people. But of course the first question is much more difficult to answer.

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  • I'm so sorry. People can be so ridiculous.  Sounds like she didn't really read your post and just used it as an excuse to complain about people thinking she looks too old. Or like you said, she's an idiot.

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  • Sounds like she fits under the category of "Clueless Wonder".  It's not like the subject of your blog was light-hearted, so I also don't get why she would post something from left-field and then end it with a smiley face.  Maybe she's someone who tries to lighten the mood?  But her comment almost invalidated your post altogether.  That is annoying - you weren't asking for suggestions on things that were insensitive - you were opening our heart and telling people your story.  What a tool.  I'm sorry she did that to you.

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  • image milkergirl1:
    I'm sorry she upset you.  I'm going to play devil's advocate and say that maybe she was trying to relate to your post because people have such difficulty understanding what dealing with a loss is like.  With my parents, they had lost a child (my brother), were older and I didn't look like either of them because I was adopted, so I know they struggled with both questions from people. But of course the first question is much more difficult to answer.

     

    thats a good point... but, ive told people this several times during NIAW, pretending like you know what it feels like is really not helpful at all...  not to say that the other womans not uncomfortable when she gets asked that question... its just not even close to the same thing! 

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  • image Shaungela:

    image milkergirl1:
    I'm sorry she upset you.  I'm going to play devil's advocate and say that maybe she was trying to relate to your post because people have such difficulty understanding what dealing with a loss is like.  With my parents, they had lost a child (my brother), were older and I didn't look like either of them because I was adopted, so I know they struggled with both questions from people. But of course the first question is much more difficult to answer.

     

    thats a good point... but, ive told people this several times during NIAW, pretending like you know what it feels like is really not helpful at all...  not to say that the other womans not uncomfortable when she gets asked that question... its just not even close to the same thing! 



    This. I can get how sometimes it can be annoying when someone asks you if your kid is yours. I get this all.the.time. DH is asian I'm white. DD doesn't look like me at all. Just another reason why TB needs an interracial family board but I digress....
    Getting an odd comment IS NOT the same thing as dealing with the death of a child. Not even close!
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  • image Shaungela:

    image milkergirl1:
    I'm sorry she upset you.  I'm going to play devil's advocate and say that maybe she was trying to relate to your post because people have such difficulty understanding what dealing with a loss is like.  With my parents, they had lost a child (my brother), were older and I didn't look like either of them because I was adopted, so I know they struggled with both questions from people. But of course the first question is much more difficult to answer.

     

    thats a good point... but, ive told people this several times during NIAW, pretending like you know what it feels like is really not helpful at all...  not to say that the other womans not uncomfortable when she gets asked that question... its just not even close to the same thing! 

    Right, if I empowered someone to speak out against something that bothers them that's awesome... if I encouraged you to share my post, also awesome... combining them into one post as though they're similar is what really makes me super mad.  That makes me feel like she doesn't understand what I'm saying- at all. 

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  • I am so sorry. I am hoping she is just ignorant and didn't realize that it's hard on you as a mother of 2 to only have 1 baby living with you today. ((hugs))

     

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  • image Petunia844:

    I wrote a blog post about lots of things, one of which was why you shouldn't ever ask a mom if the baby she's holding is her first or her only child, same for a pregnant woman.  This was a really honest post about something that constantly breaks my heart.  I posted it on FB because I try to speak out on stuff like that and break the silence about it all.  A FB friend of mine apparently read it and posted this today:

    "I read a blog entry yesterday about why it's insensitive to see a woman with a baby and ask, "Is this your first child?" I would like to add that it is also insensitive to ask, "Is that your baby?" I mean, I know I'm old and she looks nothing like me, but she really is my kid! :-)"

    Are you sh!!tting me???? You think this is the same issue?  I really want to throat punch her.  What I really want to do it comment and say "My blog post wasn't about that, it was about how it breaks my heart every time I lie and say that he is my only child because my first one died.  How you can compare this to being offended that people think you're too old to have a baby boggles my mind. "  Ugh I'm so p!ssed right now.  She either COMPLETELY missed the point of my blog or she's just an idiot. 

    I am not being snarky right now at all, but I do have a question. How should someone approach the issue then? What do you deem as more appropriate?
    "Is this your only child?" Or "do you have other children"? Either way isn't it still going to strike a nerve? Curious, do you response and tell them the truth or just not respond? I guess my losses were somewhat on the early side but I still consider them my babies in heaven but I only say I have 2 kids (my living children). I suppose it's different for you for sure. People in general are annoying with questions. I always get a weird look and comment when people see that my kids are spaced 4 years. Is it THAT weird?!

    4 yr old, new baby born Fall '12 & 2 losses
  • Hugs, Petunia.  Some people don't get it.  But if it makes you feel any better, your posts have helped me to understand how asking such a question would be insensitive.  I would hope people would feel comfortable enough around me to discuss all of their children without worrying about social mores.  People should be free to talk about their losses without worrying about making people uncomfortable.
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