Capt - Wanted to say thank you for recommending "Parenting the Hurt Child." I should have read it sooner. I feel like I was focused on general parenting/toddler development books since we were knew parents. I naively thought that because we were adopting children under 5, that the book would be geared toward older child adoption. Everything there makes a lot of sense, but also explains why some of the stuff we were trying was not working.
In general, things in our house have calmed down. We still have lots of bumps, but both boys are attaching and there have been some positive behavioral changes. We started therapy, which has been a combo of family sessions and parent/couple sessions. The therapist is very knowledgeable of attachment/trauma, and prob won't do any individual work with either child.