As I've mentioned here before, we're now set up for a DE cycle in June. I was going to try natural IVF at the suggestion of a new RE in April (i.e., this cycle ... I'm on CD1), but the donor cycle was lined up more quickly than anticipated, and the donor can only cycle in June, not later in the summer. So I'm pretty sure that means this is the last cycle I can TTC before going on meds of one kind or another for the donor cycle.
I emailed with the new RE today and he confirmed what I had suspected -- that it doesn't really make sense to try just one natural IVF cycle. I think you need to make time for several to have a decent chance of success. He confirmed that in light of my plans it made sense to skip the natural cycle and move on to DE. I thanked him for his honesty. So, barring unforeseen circumstances, and except for trying the old-fashioned way this month ... I am done. I'm officially giving up on my OE.
I feel sad and heavy-hearted about this -- I almost feel physically heavy, in fact, like my limbs are made of lead -- and writing it out this way is bringing the tears back. But I also feel kind of peaceful. I didn't think I'd ever get here, but after 3 totally awful IVFs (and 6 other treatment cycles), and not a single, even short-lived BFP, or even a decent-looking embryo, it's time for me to move on.
Not being able to have my own genetic children is the greatest disappointment of my life so far. So obviously I've been pretty lucky. Things have usually worked out for me. But somewhere, deep down, I've known for a long time -- maybe even before I started -- that this is the thing that wouldn't work out for me. I almost feel like I've been play-acting, even letting myself hope that all of these OE treatments will work.
But I also have the intuition that DE is different, and it already feels more real to me. Suddenly it's almost like I can feel my future children waiting for me, and I've never felt that way before. I know this sounds hokey and strange, and it doesn't mean that this particular donor and cycle will work out, but something's changed. I told my husband recently that I want our extra bedroom cleared out, empty, not collecting extra furniture and piles of books. We've packed up the detritus, and the movers are coming tomorrow to take things out. I'm going to buy a nice soft rug. I'm not buying baby furniture but there will be room there now, and I think there will be a baby there soon.