I came on here last night hoping there was something on here about pdd or pda and couldn't believe someone started a thread. I had such an awful night and I really feel like I need support. Right now, DH is having major anxiety issues due to work so I can't really turn to him...it would put him over the edge. All I told him was that I barely slept due to anxiety and of course (like many of your LO's this week!) DD was up every two hours last night. So when I finally did fall asleep, it wasn't for long. I feel like I can't even relax to nap.
A few weeks ago some anxiety issues I had previous to my pregnancy reared their ugly heads again. Being that I've had it before I'm not even sure it would be classified as PPA. .It came up during my pregnancy but I was able to work through it but now it's getting bad again. I was SO afraid this would happen. Many years ago now and then I would have this terrifying fear that I would flip out and go nuts and do something terrible like some of those news stories you hear. The first time it happened I was so paralyzed with fear that I just went to bed. I was too afraid to talk about it. Turns out, it's actually a "thing" and reacting that way just makes the thoughts stronger. I just thought I was losing it. So over the years I was able to deal with it on my own. It wasn't a constant thing. But now that I have my own little baby, the fear is sooo much stronger. I feel like a complete waste and I feel so bad that she's stuck with me for a mom. I got a book called Dropping the Baby and Other Scary Thoughts that deals with this issue. It repeats again and again that if these thoughts cause you distress then you have nothing to worry about. That helped me for about a day. Then yesterday the anxiety came creeping in again. I just feel like such a bad person for having scary thoughts at all. I picture myself going to the doctor and them taking my baby away and locking me up. I'm trying to get up the nerve to talk to my sister about it. (My mom is SUCH a huge worrier that it would just add to my anxiety). But I'm so afraid to burden her and maybe freak her out. I'm also trying to get up the nerve to see my OB. But then I think I'll need meds and will have to stop breastfeeding which will break my heart. This is all really getting to me. I've lost weight and my appetite sucks. I miss feeling happy and wanting to do things. I was very anxious worrying about DD the first 2 months and thought that was bad but this is far worse. I'm home until September and I'm afraid I won't enjoy this time. I feel like every other mom would be happy and it's pathetic how I am. I just feel so guilty and ashamed. Every time DD smiles at me I just feel so undeserving. Thanks for reading.