The short version: I am calling the OB in the morning to talk about PPD. Sorry if I've been an AW on TB and FB lately.
The long version: I've been up for 1.5 hours; first with M for almost an hour, then crying and writing an email to DH (he's working til the morning) about how I've truly been feeling and the fact that I need his help. He's not a very sensitive man, so I really need to spell it out for him if I'm having trouble.
Everything was going so well until a couple of weeks ago. Up until then people would ask how it was going and it was all, "Oh things are good; easier than I expected; my life is perfect; blah, blah, blah." I started crying and having meltdowns no less than twice a week. I generally felt like more of a FTM than I ever did when I actually was a FTM. My level of frustration over the fact that M wakes up every night and is incredibly unpredictable in doing so (always eats, but who knows how much; sometimes wants to stay up and party; wakes anywhere from 12-5am; and there's nothing I do that promotes any kind of regularity in this habit) has gotten ridiculous. I only work on the weekends and don't generally require a lot of sleep to function, so it shouldn't matter that my nights are less than smooth. I've been lashing out at DS and the poor dog because I just can't figure DD out. And she's 14 weeks old; why does she have to be figured out? Here's why: DS was on a such a regular schedule and STTN by 7 weeks; I obviously have not accepted the fact that all babies are different and cannot move past the fact that DD is not on a regular schedule or STTN. I also apparently am a very schedule-oriented person. Why am I having such a hard time with this when there are quite a few of you who are up several times a night and are much better adjusted than I? I think I really want to appear as if I can handle it all and everything's P&R.
We are going to give the dog to MIL. DH and I have been contemplating this for months... and MIL's offered to do so for just as long; she loves Lily. She a very docile lab and spends most of her days panicked because she can't handle the baby crying or DS being disciplined. No animal deserves to live like that. I'm so upset over it; I don't want to "give up" on her, nor do I want to take away the opportunity for my kids to grow up with an awesome pet. But at this point I think it's better for everyone if she gets some much needed love and attention. And that's not happening here.
Also, sorry I've been an AW. I feel like my posts on here have been B&M about stupid things that aren't really significant issues. Hence the reason I gave a short version; I feel like if anyone actually opened this thread, there would be no way they would really read it because I've made a big deal about the same "problems" over and over... or at least I did in my head.
Lastly, sorry if this made ZERO sense to anyone who took the time to read. I really just needed to get it out. I'm so grateful for all of you and this group.