3rd Trimester

for those wanting a med free birth

how are you dealing with ppl, if any, who are basically laughing at you saying "good luck"?? I told my Mom tonight that I want to try and get as far as I can without an epidural, but if I happen to want/need one, then that's fine too. She was like "haha good luck, you have no idea what labor is like"

well, duh, of course I don't -- which is why I said I was open to whatever happens. It's so frustrating when you're trying to stay positive and focused and someone like your Mom is telling you that it's not possible. I also told her things I was putting in my birth plan, such as the fact that I don't want the gas mask (personally, I hate the smell, and I hate things covering my nose) and once again she said "how can you say that when you have no idea if you will want it or not"

I really want to involve her in this, but she is so negative and thinks she knows all about labor & delivery. She knows about HER delivery, she doesn't know about everyone's delivery and I feel like times are different now than when she gave birth. She never had doulas and midwives around in her days (at least they weren't as popular/well known in my city here)

I guess I just need to not tell her anything anymore, eh? 

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Re: for those wanting a med free birth

  • It doesn't matter what you say to another person involving your pregnancy. They will ALWAYS be critical. After a couple of months of it, I reserved the conversation to my husband and told everyone when they pressed with questions that we would deal with it when the time comes, even though we had our birthing plan in place already. Everyone has their own ideology of the right pregnancy, but the fact is, you row your OWN boat. If you want to try a natural birth, you go girl. You're very brave for wanting too. I was too much of a scaredy cat to even entertain the idea.

     

    Just let your mom know you're keeping your options open right now, you're interested in trying it medicine free, with research you may change your mind. Let her know you would like her to keep an open mind so that you can talk to her about these things, otherwise, you'll feel awkward doing it. 

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  • Im in the same boat as you! My mom told me I was being ignorant because I was so positive about everything goes well. I have learned to block her out! People are going to talk, just let them
  • I agree with the pp. I also want to go natural, and DH is completely with me on it, however I'm not an idiot and if I need an intervention then I need one. MIL is dead determined I will fail, and has never been positive about it. The last time I checked I didn't ask, or need, her opinion, and now she gets upset when I don't want to share details. If I could do it just to prove her wrong at this point I would (immature yes, but it would be so satisfying to give her something to shut her up). I say go with the flow. If you can do it, then awesome/amazing/all of the power to you. Don't let the negative get you down, because it can make dealing with your natural birth harder. You need the support to get you through.
  • What gas mask are you talking about?  Are you talking about oxygen?  I've given birth twice and have never been offered a gas mask.  
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  • You already said it.  Don't share your plans with anyone who isn't being supportive.  There are many reasons for this lack of support, and it most often it just stems from insecurity.  Like "oh my daughter is doing it this way... does that mean that I did it wrong when I did things my way!?"  You are good to stay positive and prepare positive thoughts!
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  • jlpevjlpev
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    I remember that with my last pregnancy. Like other pp said you might just keep the plan to yourself, dh and your Dr.
    I kept saying I was keeping my options open and I was very similar to you. I also didnt want to be induced or have a csection. Well both of those happened. Just keep an open mind. You will do whatever is needed to keep you or your lo safe.
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  • I just don't bother telling anyone my plans unless they specifically ask. People will always have something to say about your pregnancy/delivery/parenting, regardless of what your decisions are. I went med-free with my first and very few people (outside of, like, the bump, lol) really knew. Of course if someone were to say something to me now like that, I'd probably be like, "haha, I already did it so I don't need the luck" but I can be bitchy like that. :)
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  • I don't go out of my way to tell people that I want to go med-free, but I absolutely understand wanting to talk to your mom about it. If possible, I would talk to her and tell her that you've been doing a lot of research on it, and it is something you want to try-- but you are keeping an open mind, and if you need the intervention, you are prepared to accept that at the time. I would also agree that I DON'T know anything about labor, which is why I'm talking to her (mom) about this-- her advice and personal experience are very valuable to me, and it would mean a lot to hear her opinions, but in a supportive and positive way. Worded better than that, of course. Haha.

    My own mom told me that I'll always receive advice from people who mean well (herself included), and that it can be hard but I'll learn ways to deal with it. The important thing is to always stand up for what you feel is right for you and your family. :)

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  • I am going for my first med-free birth, too.  And my baby is big with my husband's big head!  Hahaha.  Oh boy!  

    I feel that any negativity needs to be squashed and is not welcomed.  So keep your mom out of the loop unless she promises to support you, and that means keep her out of the birthing room if she remains the way she is!!!  You only want encouragement and support if this is truly the way you want to deliver.  Mindset is most of the battle!  So keep your plans to yourself unless discussing them with someone who will lift you up.  

    Good luck, mama!  YOU CAN DO IT!! :) 

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  • I don't want a med free birth even if I could but I have learned that I just don't say a word about anything to anyone that means anything to me! After I have been mocked about a name I like by my brother in laws who really are like brothers. I just said screw it. It took me too long to stop questioning the name choice. And then last night I have a dream about, and not a good one! It's amazing how hurtful the little things can be, and they just keep bothering us even though we know we should just let it go.
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  • image morethancottoncandy:
    What gas mask are you talking about? nbsp;Are you talking about oxygen? nbsp;I've given birth twice and have never been offered a gas mask. nbsp;
    This is a European thing...epis are not standard so they offer gas for pain control. My mom had it with my older sister and hated it.
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  • If you really want her to be involved, then just tell her that you really need her support. You know this is new territory, but there are things you want to avoid if you can. Maybe refer to your "plan" more as "wishes" instead. Sounds more open to the idea of changes, etc. As long as you have a good idea of what you want and are open to those ideas changing, then you are doing the right thing. I will say that I had terrible back labor and ended up with an O2 mask, which is not uncommon for a lot of mamas, bc it gives more O2 to baby as well and helps prevent late decels in their heart rate which can lead to more interventions.
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  • I could have written this myself. It was a while ago that I told my mom that I wanted to get as far as possible without drugs. I had wanted her to be in delivery with me until it was time to push for support but since she couldn't be supportive of me not having an epi I squashed that idea. If she brings it up now I just say I haven't made any hard decisions and we'll just see when we get there. My MIL is on the flip side. She only had demerol with her first and it had side effects for her son so she went med free her next two. So when I talk to her she's anti-meds all the way. I can't win. Like pp said I've just kept it between my hubby and I. 
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  • image jteneback:
    image morethancottoncandy:
    What gas mask are you talking about? nbsp;Are you talking about oxygen? nbsp;I've given birth twice and have never been offered a gas mask. nbsp;
    This is a European thing...epis are not standard so they offer gas for pain control. My mom had it with my older sister and hated it.


    I'm in Canada, but they keep it beside the bed incase you want it. They just take the edge off, nothing really for pain
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  • image jteneback:
    image morethancottoncandy:
    What gas mask are you talking about? nbsp;Are you talking about oxygen? nbsp;I've given birth twice and have never been offered a gas mask. nbsp;
    This is a European thing...epis are not standard so they offer gas for pain control. My mom had it with my older sister and hated it.

     Nitrous oxide. Not just a European thing. It's very popular for those not wanting an epidural but want something to take the edge off for the last few centimeters.  

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  • I can't relate to my mom being non-supportive about natural birth (she had all three of us at home with 0 pain management drugs, no doulas and no fancy birthing tubs stools or balls) but I can relate to moms being Negative Nancys. Its gotten to the point where I don't even want her there when I give birth. Everything ends up being about her in the end. I can forgive her, but I also fully understand who I am dealing with. It really hurts to miss out on her support but I have a couple of close friends who are willing to step in an able to be nurturing if I need extra support besides DH.

    As for your question, you just have to ignore and choose not to share info with the non-supportive people and to seek out the people in your life who are behind your birthing choices and can offer support and advice.

    I've never had a full-term baby but from what I understand you will want the drugs and you will ask for them and you will probably get them. If you want a med free birth you have to use sheer willpower or just be at home or in a birthing center where they are not an option. You have to want the med-free birth more than the drugs. Maybe that is all your mom is trying to say and she just doesn't know how to say it in that way. Or maybe she is scared that you (even subconsciously) look down on her for taking meds for pain during labor? My mom would act out if she felt threatened and she often doesn't understand the diplomatic approach. There are a lot of things people do or say in innocence that end up feeling insensitive to those around them.

    Good luck! I hope yo get the perfect birth experience you are looking for!

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  • As a lot of PPs have said, this reaction exactly is why I refuse to discuss it with anyone. People only ask about your pregnancy so they can share their thoughts and opinions and experience with you, and it's almost never useful. There's a lot of judgment around how you birth and raise your kid, and everyone is just looking for validation that they they did it right. So, I take a pass on other people's projections. 
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  • image wouldntitbenice:
    As a lot of PPs have said, this reaction exactly is why I refuse to discuss it with anyone. People only ask about your pregnancy so they can share their thoughts and opinions and experience with you, and it's almost never useful. There's a lot of judgment around how you birth and raise your kid, and everyone is just looking for validation that they they did it right. So, I take a pass on other people's projections. 

    This exactly. I especially agree with bold part! People who have gone med free will tell you it's an amazing experience because that's what they believe. People who went for an epidural will tell you it's crazy to want to experience that pain because that's what they believe. I wouldn't let it get you worked up. Both are perfectly fine and healthy ways to deliver a baby, you can do it however you want!

    I understand wanting encouragement and all, but if you don't want to hear people disagree with you, you probably shouldn't talk about it unless you know it's a supportive person. Sucks when that person is your mom, but what else can you do?



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  • I had a natural birth with my son and am hoping to again this time around.  I was just reading Ina May's Guide to Childbirth earlier tonight and this point stuck with me, though I don't remember it word for word....  if you go into labor thinking it will horrible and painful, then you're more likely to get an epidural/drugs/etc.  If you go into thinking your body is capable and you can handle, then you're more likely to be able to.  Mind over matter, essentially.  Maybe you could have a conversation like that with your mom?  Or if you/she really wants to be involved, recommend some books for her to read if she's interested?
  • Yep, I agree that labor is at least somewhat mind over matter...and also how you roll the dice. Sometimes circumstances are beyond your control. However, that you are going into it with positivity and determination is the right way to do it.

    I'm on my second pregnancy and people are the opposite with me now - they treat me like a seasoned mom and pretty much no one has given me unsolicited advice or even attempted to touch my stomach. I like it. :)

    I think women having their first babies are magnets for well-meaning but frustrating people. You just have to keep an open ear for the actually good advice and let the rest of it roll off your back. Easier said than done, I know, when your own mom is doing it - I've experienced that, too - but it's the only way to make it to the other side with your sanity. :)

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  • I wanted a med-free birth with DD. I didn't get one, but that's beside the point. :)

    Honestly, I didn't tell people what my plans were. I didn't want their opinions. It's easy for other moms to judge and tell you "good luck" and "just you wait" and crap like that, but the reality is - their experience is just that. Theirs. Not yours. 

    So my advice would be: just don't bring it up with her anymore. If she asks, say "I'll see how I feel when the time comes" and leave it at that.

     

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  • Dont feel bad. I have this happen to me plenty of times, just not with my mother. I have been talking to my mother about having a natural birth and if I cant take it in the end and need the epidural then so be it. Although I dont really like the idea having an epidural given to me if it is needed its needed. Im a FTM as well so I dont know how labor is like but what I do know is that if I am in unconditional pain to the point where I can barely talk or breath im going to do whatever is necessary to make sure not only that im ok but that I am able to deliver my daughter safely. People just tend to be negative and think they know everything at times but that does not necessarily mean that their train of thought is correct. Every pregnancy is different and while some are difficult and extremely painful there are those that might have had the exact opposite experience.
  • I too would like to try going as far as possible without drugs. I'm taking a childbirth education class (not really learning anything I didn't already know, but I wanted the breastfeeding class most) and after watching the videos I know I don't want an epidural too soon because I don't want to be confined to bed. If I want to walk around, I want to be able to.

    I too have a birth plan, but I'm wise enough to know even though it's my first child that what I have planned for LO and what LO has planned for me are two completely different things. My birth plan is a "best case scenario" type thing but I realize that complications happen and I might not have a choice in the matter so I've already made myself OK with the fact that I won't be upset if everything doesn't go as planned.

    I've mentioned to some of my family members that I want to wait as long as possible without meds (or even the whole thing) and some laugh at me telling me that I'm a wimp and will want them the second I feel pain, while others just try and convince me that I will want them and shouldn't even think about doing a med free birth.

    Well, I'm sorry, but I didn't realize everybody had access to my pain receptors and was aware of how I handle pain. I like to think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain given how banged up I get every summer during softball season, and the pain I endure during my period (the kind where if I'm vertical I pass out)... Guess I'll have to add myself to the list of people who keep it between DH and myself.

     

    I think more than the med-free topic what has upset me from what people say about my delivery is the comment that the nurse made last week at my checkup. I had brought my birth plan in to go over with somebody as I had some questions (I printed off the one from the bump) and I didn't know what the difference was in some of the options.

    I'm having a boy and one of the options is about a circumcision. We have opted to have one, and one of the boxes to check off says "I want this done in front of myself / my SO" which I have chosen. A couple of my friends recently went through a really bad experience with their son's surgery and it makes me want to be present so I know just what the doctor is doing.

    So anyway, the nurse saw that's what I wanted and flat out told me "You don't want to be there for that or for the shots. That's not something you need to be around for or will want to see."     Really??? And just who are you to make that decision for me? Maybe it's a rebellious thing that never wore off in adolescence, but I don't like being told what to do or how to do it. I'm apt to do it out of spite just for those reasons if people try to force decisions on me. 

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  • People, usually women, will assume that because they did it differently that you are secretly judging them by doing it your way. If you do it the same way they did or have a bad experience, some how you validate their own birth. Usually they are not completely healed emotionally from what happened to them or they can not come to some resolution of their own experience. My neighbor had a c-section and really hasn't dealt with whatever issues that has caused her mentally. Any time someone has a less invasive outcome or a good birth story she shuts down. She's the first to jump to tell her blood and gore story to first time moms in our circle, and you can tell she is still hurting 6 years later. (This is of course my observation and not necessarily true of everyone. But my mother in law is the same way about cloth diapering and breastfeeding because of her experiences with both.)

    I say this with complete honesty, good luck with your natural birth plan. Everyone deserves to be hopeful and positive. I hope you are not afraid of birth, the less you are afraid and the less you focus on it being painful, hopefully the more joyous it will be.

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  • image morethancottoncandy:
    What gas mask are you talking about?  Are you talking about oxygen?  I've given birth twice and have never been offered a gas mask.  
    I just saw it posted a few days ago that its not really a US thing.  I'm in Canada and it was the first thing they offered me.  It's a mask you have to work to inhale (it doesnt just flow out) and it has nitrous oxide and oxygen, it just makes you loopy and you're supposed to inhale when you're having a contraction, its very temporary 
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  • I frame it as I did the research and I think this is the best thing for my baby and for the easiest recovery for me.  However, I have never been there before, and I will be in the hospital, so should I need something, it will be availble. 

    I explain that I am doing everything I can to prepare myself including lots of reading and taking Bradley classes and I will have my highly trained midwife and the hospital staff there. 

    I remind any objectors that this is what my body was designed to do and that there are significant risks and side effects with any medical intervention plus the possibility of epidurals not working.  By telling people I have an "out" and am not completely closed to the idea I get a lot more support. 

    After getting over the initial shock, my mom has been quiet about it.  My grandmother keeps teling me "Don't be a martyr."  Says the woman who for all 3 of her births went to the hospital, was knocked out and then handed the baby when she woke up.  Not exactly the experience I am looking for.

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  • My mom had us all without meds. She took breathing classes and said contractions felt more like bad menstrual cramps. My MIL is a neonatal nurse and is very supportive. She said a lot more complications can happen with meds. It's safer for you and the baby without them.
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