March 2013 Moms

who are you having in the room?

I kind of have a unique situation as MIL is the OB charge nurse at the hospital I will deliver at. I know to most, you wouldnt dream of letting your MIL all up in there but honestly, I think you'd feel differently if yours had 30 years experience and seen a TON of vaginas. plus I feel like I'll get the best care since I know all the nurses through her.

Anyway, DH is a fire fighter and unfortunately been at work during the two birthing classes I've been to so my mom has been with me. I had a friend tell DH and I yesterday that when she had her baby a couple months ago, it was the best decision she ever made to only let her dh be in the room.

Although my dh continues to let the decision be made by me alone, I can tell he really liked the idea of my mom not being there. Although I adore my mom I kind of agree. My only issue is that we wont be alone since MIL will be in there. I know this will hurt my moms feelings as I am her only child and a FTM. Also, shes the only one whos been to lamaze with me....

What are your thoughts?
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Re: who are you having in the room?

  • My mom and whoever else can come visit me while I labor (that is if I feel up to it at the time).  When it comes time to push then I just want my DH.  I understand why you would feel comfortable with your mil in there but I personally wouldn't want her there for the pushing.  I think the actual birth should be shared with just your dh.  There are a ton of other people in there as it is, you don't need anyone else.  I am sure you are going to get great treatment regardless if she is in there or not.  Also, if you do have her then you definitely need to have your own mother especially since she went to the classes with you.  I know my mom would be so hurt if I had my mil and not her in the room regardless of my mil's job.
  • I'm all about a sense of fairness among grandparents. When my mom was invited to the L&D with my first, the same invitation was extended to my MIL. There's always the underlying idea of "this is a privilege not a right", so it could be revoked in the middle of labor for all I cared.

    That being said, I'd talk to your MIL. She's an OB nurse, but she's not the only OB nurse, so she doesn't have to be there. Could your mom visit during labor and both MIL and your mom are not allowed during the pushing portion? In your situation, I'd talk to MIL about your predicament and ask her to basically back off (not saying MIL's being pushy, from the sound of your post she's someone you can talk to) during your experience. Let the other nurses be the nurse and she can visit as often and when your mother is allowed in.

     

    For me, it'll be just DH and myself, because no family lives nearby. Nearest family is still 1100 miles away, and the family I'd actually want there is 1700 miles. But I'd give anything to have my mom there again. Even DH wants her there. She was (is) amazing. 

    DD- 11/17/08, DD- 11/16/09, DS- 3/20/13 
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  • Last time it was just DH and I which was awesome and special.

    This time around, I think SIL will be joining us.  She and I are very close, she has 3 children and is pregnant for her 4th.  She has had a C/S, then repeat C/S, then an attempted VBAC-turned C/S, and this time she will have another repeat C/S.  She's always wanted to experience a vaginal birth, so I told her that if she thought it would help her to be in the room during one, she was welcome to join us, but that if it would make it harder for her to not have had that experience, I totally understood not wanting to be there.  She's thinking she will join us, but we'll see when the time comes.

    If she's in the room, my plan is to have her join us once I have my epi, when I'm not trying to rest (depending on how long it all takes- last time it was so long that once I got my epi, then doc really wanted me to try to rest up for pushing).  Then she would be in there for mainly the pushing and then she could go out and give everyone the gory details while we have family time with the new baby.  In a perfect world, that's how it would play out anyway Wink

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  • My mom was in the room with DH and I for DS#1, I didn't mind her being there, and she absolutely loved the experience. She stayed until they got me stitched up/cleaned up, held DS for a minute, then went home until later that evening to let DH and I have our time. It was perfect, she was there, but respected our time as first time parents. This time around, she will probably only be there if I am a scheduled induction, as we will probably need her to watch DS#1.
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  • Just DH. I'm going natural again and don't want I feel like I have to put on a show or lose my concentration.
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  • I really want it to be a special time for just me and DH, but it's a very personal decision that depends a lot on your circumstances.  My mom has about the least calming or supportive presence of anyone I know and I wouldn't feel right asking my MIL to be there but not her.  If I really felt strongly about having my mom there, I would probably feel compelled to include MIL as well.  Like a PP, I'm kind of about the equality factor as well and wouldn't feel that it is ok for me to want my mom in the room, but deny DH that if it is something he would want with his mother as well.
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  • image doremi29:

    Last time it was just DH and I which was awesome and special.

    This time around, I think SIL will be joining us.  She and I are very close, she has 3 children and is pregnant for her 4th.  She has had a C/S, then repeat C/S, then an attempted VBAC-turned C/S, and this time she will have another repeat C/S.  She's always wanted to experience a vaginal birth, so I told her that if she thought it would help her to be in the room during one, she was welcome to join us, but that if it would make it harder for her to not have had that experience, I totally understood not wanting to be there.  She's thinking she will join us, but we'll see when the time comes.

    If she's in the room, my plan is to have her join us once I have my epi, when I'm not trying to rest (depending on how long it all takes- last time it was so long that once I got my epi, then doc really wanted me to try to rest up for pushing).  Then she would be in there for mainly the pushing and then she could go out and give everyone the gory details while we have family time with the new baby.  In a perfect world, that's how it would play out anyway Wink

    That's very sweet of you to invite your SIL.

    My mom and DH were there when DD#1 was born.

    I invited my mom to be there for DD#2 but she didn't make it to the hospital in time... less than two hours from check-in to outside baby.

    We haven't really invited anyone else for this delivery. I'm fine with my mom and my MIL being there, but I haven't discussed it with DH.

     

    Charlotte March 2009 Gwyneth June 2011 Team Green March 2013
  • Can you have all three in there with you? I'm having my husband and my mother in the room with me but if my MIL were a doctor/ OB/midwife I would probably want her in there as well, if I could. At my hospital they only allow two people to be there with you and since my MIL isn't a doctor / OB and she is actually a little bit on the nervous side I dont' want her in the room during the birth (before and after is fine). But I am very close to mother and I was with her when she gave borth to my sister so maybe my situation is a little different as well. I would also have my grandmother and sister there with me if I could! 
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  • I am just having my DH there.  I think I would kill my mom if she were there.  She would be all telling me how to breathe and I would probably go crazy.  I'm close with my MIL but I wouldn't want her to see my girl parts but I can totally understand you wanting yours there giving her background.  If I were you, I would probably try and include both your MIL and your mother.  I know my mom would be really hurt if I had my MIL and not her.  Sometimes it's better to keep the peace.

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  • I am all for it just being me and my husband.  It was really special the first time and we want to do the same again.  However, in your situation if your MIL will be there then for sure have your mom.  Its only fair and its sweet both grandmas will be there.  You can always ask them to leave if it becomes too much.
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