March 2013 Moms

DH rant- would this upset you?

Alright, I need a little clarity on this issue. Feel free to let me know if I am being unreasonable/crazy!

 I am due in 3 weeks and my husband just told me this morning that he plans to go out for brunch with a girl he briefly dated 12 years ago.  They have been friends since they stopped dating, she is married and the 4 of us have gone out as couples a few times.  I'm not concerned about him cheating or anything like that but I just feel this is wrong... 

 He will need to drive 40 minutes to see her and I don't feel he should be spending on of our last few weekends alone together doing this.  He could be home with me just enjoying our time together and/or helping to get organized for this baby.  (although, to be completely honest we really are as prepared as possible for the baby). I feel like I have the right to be selfish right now and why should I have to give up my time with him so he can spend half of a day her.  

 So how would you feel about this?   

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Re: DH rant- would this upset you?

  • This would definitely irritate me. Your baby can come at any point now, so he doesn't need to be that far away from you unless absolutely necessary. And I would want to be spending as much time together as possible before its not just the 2 of you anymore. So no, I don't think you're being irrational at all. 
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  • My personal opinion is that it would never be appropriate for DH to meet alone with an ex. Period. Go out as couples? Fine. The two of you meet up with her together? Fine. But alone? Why does he need to? My husband and I read a great book called "Hedges" by Jerry Jenkins, and I would recommend it for you and your DH. Its about setting smart boundaries to protect your marriage.

    I would let DH know that you are not comfortable with this, especially so close to your due date.


  • I do understand your feelings on this and I dont disagree that you have a right to be a little selfish right now, but, to me, this falls squarely into the category of "pick your battles." DH has been there and continues to be there for you, you dont object to the legit friendship, you are admittedly ready for LO, so is this really worth bringing down the hammer? Plus, just because he is present doesn't make him cheerful company after getting grounded from a rather predestrian afternoon. Be magnanimous and use the good will to negotiate some real quality fun time that same weekend for the pair of you, instead.
  • Ummm... driving 40 minutes to take your ex out to brunch???  I would definitely be suspicious that something is going on.  That does not seem right and I would not at all be cool with this.
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  • image Sarra21:
    I do understand your feelings on this and I dont disagree that you have a right to be a little selfish right now, but, to me, this falls squarely into the category of "pick your battles." DH has been there and continues to be there for you, you dont object to the legit friendship, you are admittedly ready for LO, so is this really worth bringing down the hammer? Plus, just because he is present doesn't make him cheerful company after getting grounded from a rather predestrian afternoon. Be magnanimous and use the good will to negotiate some real quality fun time that same weekend for the pair of you, instead.

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  • Why cant his ex drive the 40 minutes in your direction??  Maybe at least stop by your house and say hi to you.  Then if just the two of them go for lunch NBD.

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  • OP already said she doesnt suspect cheating, does not object to the friendship and has even socialized with ex and her DH. Why the fixation on the nonissue of infidelity??

    I do agree with PP...can she drive to meet DH by your house, drop by and say hi? That makes the most sense of all.
  • This, to me, is totally unacceptable.
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  • Nope ..  wouldn't happen !  To me this clearly crosses the boundary line.  I understand you dont think there is a fidelity issue, but as someone who has many family members struggle in the area, let me just say ..Every affair starts with a conversation.  Not asking you guys to agree, but DH and I have an understanding that our primary goal is to protect each other and each others heart.  If he were hanging out with a guy Im not sure you would be upset, and rightly so.  The fact that it bothers you should be enough to make him put the breaks on.  I absolutely believe in choosing your battles, but this is one that I would fight.  Best wishes to you  !! 
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  • So why aren't you and her husband invited??
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  • I was invited but I don't want to spend my time with her/them.
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  • oh no... absolutely not.. wouldn't happen.

    Why do they need to go out at all? If I could not attend then DH would not go. Period. 40 minutes or 40 seconds from my house. I don't think you are being unreasonable. If you guys have had time together as couples, then her and her H can come see your new family once the baby comes..

     

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  • image allclad13:
    I was invited but I don't want to spend my time with her/them.

    If you were invited and just don't want to go, and you really do trust your husband, then it's truly just being selfish and thats not right, no matter the circumstances.  I would let him go, and like PP do something for yourself that afternoon instead.  

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  • This whole scenario is strange to me.  I guess I'd say fine but it just seems odd all around.   Where is her dh??
  • I think I'm kind of in the very slim minority in saying that I don't think it's a big deal. You said they dated briefly almost 12 years ago (so nothing serious, and well over a decade ago), and they have been friends since. If they hadn't maintained a friendship then I would say no, absolutely. If their relationship is longer than your marriage/courtship then I definitely wouldn't see a problem with it.

    They invited you to go out with them, you both have established families, and you are not worried about cheating. He has to have a life of his own outside of you, and who knows... maybe he's trying to get some of the things he wants to get done before baby arrives so he can be more helpful when the time comes. I know my DH is trying to get all of his late night gaming and drinking nights with his friends out of the way because he knows when the baby arrives it will not be possible for a few months.

    If you don't let him know how precious these last few weeks are to you then that's on you... he isn't psychic. I think you should let him go instead of brooding about it. Hang out with some of your friends instead.

  • Pregnant or not this would be unacceptable to me. As a PP stated, it's all about setting boundaries. Ok so you and DH are friends with her and her husband then fine if you are comfortable with that. But even then there needs to be boundaries. My DH and I have "couple" friends but we ALWAYS go out as couples. If we don't then it will be the men only or the women only going out. So you say you were invited, but I don't see the question answered as to why her DH isn't going or is he?

    I understand you say you do not suspect infidelity. And I am glad you feel certain of that. And I certainly hope that is true. I'm not trying to be a negative Nancy here, but just because infidelity isn't suspected doesn't mean it doesn't exist or it will never happen. Not all affairs start off with the actual intent to hurt a significant other. Not all affairs are committed by people that consider themselves "cheaters". Many of them start with situations that people feel are "no big deal".

     

  • It's amazing how many insecure and suspicious people there are on this board. Perhaps if people were more confident in themselves and their relationships, there wouldn't be as many issues. They dated briefly over a decade ago; you have no concerns about infidelity, believe it or not, men and women can just be friends. You're only 38 weeks - the chances of you going into labor are slim. I know most of DH's exes - they are lovely ladies and I would have no issues with him meeting up with them for brunch. They are his exes for a reason and he married me, so I have no worries. It's a great concept called trust - more of you should have it in your relationships.
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  • I have to agree, you were invited to go with them. You turned down the invitation. Why make decisions your husband is quite capable of making. I can understand if he wants to try to get a tad bit of last minute normalcy before his life is turned upside down with the arrival of the new baby. I could also understand that he will probably be completely miserable if you tell him no you cant' go.

    I personally would let my DH go I have more than enough trust in him to know that nothing will happen with any of his ex's, and he's not said a word when I've gone to hang out with my ex's who I am still friends with.Under no circumstances have we ever thought the other was cheating.We built the trust and we are not going to ruin what we have worked so hard for on "what if's". 

    It really boils down to the pick your battles. If you are that concerned about it then fine say something to him. However, don't be surprised when he gets insulted that you do not trust him, and her as well. Even though you don't suspect cheating (which is definitely great!), its basically putting the foot down on any last minute normalcy he will have and probably will up his guard to the point he will assume that.  

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  • Well, thank you everyone for your thoughts.  You've given me a lot to think about and I ended up giving him a harder time about him going after thinking about it more.  Again, not worried about the cheating.  But I kept feeling hurt that this is how he is choosing to spend his time at the end of my pregnancy.  And he did end up saying he will not go... did I guilt him into not going, probably.  I don't feel so good about this but it is what it is.
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  • That would bother me too.

  • This is not cool with me and I would definitely be annoyed.
  • F THAT! I would not be ok with that especially since he has to drive 40 mins out of his way.  If they ran into each other or worked within a block of each other and decided to grab a bite that is one thing but this is completely different.  While I think it is good that he was up front about it, I definitely wouldn't feel comfortable with it.  I wonder how her dh feels about the whole thing.

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  • image MelTwe:

    image allclad13:
    I was invited but I don't want to spend my time with her/them.

    If you were invited and just don't want to go, and you really do trust your husband, then it's truly just being selfish and thats not right, no matter the circumstances.  I would let him go, and like PP do something for yourself that afternoon instead.  

    Yes

    Would you have an issue with this if it were a male friend?  Honestly, after 12 years, and being friendly with them that long, I don't see how her being an ex matters here.

    Meet up with a friend yourself, get a pedicure, take a nap, whatever.  Unless you've got something specific you want to do w/ your H during that time and only that time, let this one go.  Trust me, it's easier for him to go (and for you to be ok with it) for an afternoon now than post-baby.  If you're really worried you'll go into labor, have a back up person to get you to the hospital and he can meet you there, and likely won't miss much.

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  • Like some others, I don't see how it is a big deal. If you really don't suspect infidelity, I don't get it. Because you are having a baby in a few weeks, your husband needs to spend every waking minute with you? There are enough hours in a weekend that you and he can also spend lots of quality time together. Like another poster said, if it was a male friend, would you mind? I also don't think 40 minutes is that far to drive to catch up with a friend. My hubs and/or I do it all the time.

    All that being said, us pregnant women get some free passes for being irrational, so use 'em while you got 'em!








  • I have to side with OP. I love and trust my husband, and am not worried about infidelity. At this point in my pregnancy
    I would be irritated for anyone, male or female, to take up half a weekend day when we only have 2 maybe 3 weekends left with just the two of us. I think the ex and insecurity discussion is a big tangent. I cant explain why for me, but i just want my husband around me every moment that he can. It makes me feel comfortable and eases my anxiety. Rational, probably not, but maybe its part of being a FTM. They've been friends for 12 years, she can wait a couple months to do brunch.
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  • image allclad13:
    Well, thank you everyone for your thoughts.  You've given me a lot to think about and I ended up giving him a harder time about him going after thinking about it more.  Again, not worried about the cheating.  But I kept feeling hurt that this is how he is choosing to spend his time at the end of my pregnancy.  And he did end up saying he will not go... did I guilt him into not going, probably.  I don't feel so good about this but it is what it is.

    I think how you're feeling is being amplified by hormones.  There's not much you can do but be aware of it and try to consciously counteract it.  This type of reaction has the potential to build resentment in your husband, so I hope you are very open and honest with him about why you're feeling this way and encourage him to do the same.  

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  • I would be irritated. Your husband doesn't need to be spending time alone with his ex. My DH and I have talked, and set up boundaries in our marriage. We never meet up with the opposite sex alone. Maybe that sounds crazy, because we do trust each other completely, but we've worked hard to get to this point and don't want to take any chances. 
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  • I guess I'm in the minority but this is NBD to me at all. It's a 40 minute drive and brunch, not a weekend away or something like that. He would still be with you most of the day. If you are all friends and you were invited but you just don't want to go, then I don't see the issue, especially if you trust him and all that. Would you have this issue if he were doing something else with a different person for a few hours? 
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  • I have a guy friend, we used to date, years ago, he is now teaching in Korea.  Since we dated back in grade 10, we have always been great friends. He messages me on fb and asks me how things are going with my pregnancy and how dh is.  Dh and I went to his going away gathering and he has been over to our house to visit.  My dh would never have a problem me meeting up with him, but dh would always be invited. If he choose to go or not, that would be his decision. But he would never stop me. He really likes my guy friend and gets along with him great.  The guy friend was also invited to our wedding.  I guess because I have a similar situation and since you were invited yourself and choose not to go, then I would say maybe ask him to comprimise with this gril who is a friend and meet halfway.  40 minutes is quite a distance and I wouldn't like that, so I do agree with you on that aspect.  At least 20 minutes is not as far.  It is not like he will be gone all day, probably just a couple of hours.  I know the last few weeks are important, but really, if it is only a couple of hours, what difference does it make?  If he meets her in the afternoon, you both still have all evening. 
  • image rm2013:
    I have to side with OP. I love and trust my husband, and am not worried about infidelity. At this point in my pregnancy I would be irritated for anyone, male or female, to take up half a weekend day when we only have 2 maybe 3 weekends left with just the two of us. I think the ex and insecurity discussion is a big tangent. I cant explain why for me, but i just want my husband around me every moment that he can. It makes me feel comfortable and eases my anxiety. Rational, probably not, but maybe its part of being a FTM. They've been friends for 12 years, she can wait a couple months to do brunch.

    This exactly.  I have asked my husband not to go visit his best friend who lives an hour and a half away because I don't like him being that far away from me, even when I've been at work or doing other things.  Maybe hormones make me clingy, but I figure I have the right in my last month of pregnancy to be a bit clingy with DH.  (For the record, I'm fine with best friend coming here to visit, even if I'm home.)  If you've explained your feelings, hopefully DH will understand that this bothers you, rational or not, and happily spend one of your last weekends together just the two of you.  Really, at this point, any weekend together could be your last as a twosome.  :-)

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