1st Trimester

How should we tell infertile friends we're expecting?

We have some friends (our Bible study leaders) who have struggled with infertility and recently made the decision to grow their family through adoption.  We're probably going to announce our pregnancy at Bible study in the next few weeks.  Would it be best to tell them privately beforehand?  My husband is pretty good friends with the other husband, so I could just have him send a text like, "Hey, we have good news.  Baby #2 is on the way.  We're planning to tell the Bible study group next week, but we wanted to let you guys know first."  I've never struggled with infertility, but I imagine it is extremely difficult, and I want to be sensitive to them (without being so over-sensitive it's condescending).

 Thanks for your advice!

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Re: How should we tell infertile friends we're expecting?

  • I think telling the husband first is okay, but I would try to do it in person if possible. And definitely tell them ahead of time, so they have time to process the news in private.

     

    I've been on both sides of this situation, and it's always been easier, in person, in private.

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  • I would definitely tell them ahead of time and in person. I'd also refrain from using the term "good news". Just tell them you have news and let them decide what kind of news it is.
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  • I agree with pp. Do it in person. Over text IMO is kind of taking the easy way out. I believe if you are sincere about their feelings you can say it to their faces.

    Whatever you do, do not say "We have good news!" Its heartbreaking when someone has struggled with IF and all they want is that same good news for themselves and cant have it. A friend of mine has been trying for almost 3 years and shes called crying about how much it hurts hearing it.

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  • I don't agree with the pps.  Telling them in person is awkward and puts them on the spot no matter how you do it.  I think a text or an email allows them time to absorb the news in private, rather than struggle to cover up whatever initial pain they might feel if told in person.  I'd just keep a simple "we wanted to let you know in private" type of message.  They'll be there for the happy announcement, so you don't need to make the heads up a big exciting deal.

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  • image L&R70707:
    I don't agree with the pps.  Telling them in person is awkward and puts them on the spot no matter how you do it.  I think a text or an email allows them time to absorb the news in private, rather than struggle to cover up whatever initial pain they might feel if told in person.  I'd just keep a simple "we wanted to let you know in private" type of message.  They'll be there for the happy announcement, so you don't need to make the heads up a big exciting deal.

    We have struggled with IF and I'm going to lean in the above post's direction. Hearing other couple's news, even when we were excited for them, was tough to react to. Having the chance to cope with their news in private was always easier than being put on the spot and having them watch your reaction.

    BFP #1 11/07/2012 EDD 07/09/2013 M/C 11/22/2012

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  • image L&R70707:
    I don't agree with the pps.  Telling them in person is awkward and puts them on the spot no matter how you do it.  I think a text or an email allows them time to absorb the news in private, rather than struggle to cover up whatever initial pain they might feel if told in person.  I'd just keep a simple "we wanted to let you know in private" type of message.  They'll be there for the happy announcement, so you don't need to make the heads up a big exciting deal.

    Absolutely. All five of my best friends got pregnant within two months of each other last year. I received three emails, one phone call and one told me in person. I broke down on the phone with the friend who told me and will never forgive myself for it. The one who told me in person was incredibly difficult. We went to dinner afterward and I had to leave the table several times. 

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  • Having struggled with IF for 2.5 years, I urge you to tell them beforehand in a gentle manner.  Maybe something along the lines of "I just wanted to let you know that X and I are expecting.  We wanted to let you know before we made the announcement at Bible Study next week."

    As for phone/email/in person, I would evaluate each person - are they the type who would appreciate a phone call?  Are they the type who would prefer to find out face-to-face?  Personally, I would have found an email or text to be cold and impersonal.  When a good friend got pregnant with her second "oops" baby, she called me to let me know.  I can't tell you how much I appreciated that - hearing her voice, knowing that she was hurting for me.  (Not that I wanted her to be hurting, but you get my point, right?)

    Whatever you decide, give them space if they need it.  Some may shut down after you tell them the news.  Some may take an interest and want to know how you are feeling.  Let them take the lead.  Just don't make any pregnancy complaints to them - hearing how miserable m/s might be making you feel WILL be a knife in their heart. 

    Best of luck in telling them - and as a former IFer, thanks for being so sensitive to your friends' feelings!

    4/12/10 - Began TTC 8/2012 - IFV #1 - 18 follicles retrieved, 11 usable, 10 fertilized, 9 continued to grow, 2 tranferred, BFN :( 9/2012 to 10/2012- Treated for uterine infection 11/12/12 - Began IVF #2 12/19/12 - 2 embryos tranferred 12/24/12 - Tested Christmas Eve morning - first ever BFP!!! with a due date of 9/6 :) 12/28/12 - Beta #1 - 193 12/31/12 - Beta #2 - 624 1/7/13 - Beta #3 - 7544 1/14/13 - Beta #4 - 31,067 1/16/13 - IT'S TWINS!!!! Two healthy heartbeats! 8/22/13 9:51 and 9:52pm- Our precious Ashley and Kayla arrived in perfect health.  (Ashley - 6lbs 0oz, 18.5 inches.  Kayla - 5lbs 2oz, 17 inches.)

     

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  • image L&R70707:
    I don't agree with the pps.  Telling them in person is awkward and puts them on the spot no matter how you do it.  I think a text or an email allows them time to absorb the news in private, rather than struggle to cover up whatever initial pain they might feel if told in person.  I'd just keep a simple "we wanted to let you know in private" type of message.  They'll be there for the happy announcement, so you don't need to make the heads up a big exciting deal.

    I agree with this. It may feel impersonal, but they will appreciate it and can have time to process. W/ IF you have good days and bad days, and you won't know what kind of day they are having when you tell them.

    Me: Total Thyroidectomy    DH: Varicocele 
    TTC#1 since 5/11 - BFP 1/13  - LO Born 9/13

      


  • Email.

    Give them time to process and deal with it by themselves. DO NOT announce it in a public way without giving them some heads up first. It will force them to "put on a happy face" and be quite a shock.

    I would not do a phone call.

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  • image JocelynB0911:

    I agree with pp. Do it in person. Over text IMO is kind of taking the easy way out. I believe if you are sincere about their feelings you can say it to their faces.

    Whatever you do, do not say "We have good news!" Its heartbreaking when someone has struggled with IF and all they want is that same good news for themselves and cant have it. A friend of mine has been trying for almost 3 years and shes called crying about how much it hurts hearing it.

    I disagree. Doing it in person makes them have to put on a smiley, happy face when all they want to do is cry. Seriously, bad advice IMHO.

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  • Just tell them...they will want to know. It will be hard on them, but your fertility has no bearing on theirs. I do agree with pps though about telling them in person privately. I was by no means infertile, but after ttc for a year and no luck (got bfp in the 13th month) I had multiple friends get pregnant in that time and didn't want them to tiptoe around the topic with me. 
    Started TTC January 2012
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    BFP #2 7/8/13; EDD 3/19/14; DD born 3/4/14 due to pre-e

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  • image LR70707:
    I don't agree with the pps.nbsp; Telling them in person is awkward and puts them on the spot no matter how you do it.nbsp; I think a text or an email allows them time to absorb the news in private, rather than struggle to cover up whatever initial pain they might feel if told in person.nbsp; I'd just keep a simple "we wanted to let you know in private" type of message.nbsp; They'll be there for the happy announcement, so you don't need to make the heads up a big exciting deal.


    I completely agree with this!
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  • As someone who had to wait a long time for this BFP, I appreciate that you are taking their feelings into account and plannng ahead. I really think you should tell them via email or text. It might seem counterintuitive and less personal, but as some pp's have said, it actually gives them time to process in private. I would much rather have learned of things this way than having to come up with an immediate reaction in person. Good luck.
    TTC #1 since May 2011


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  • I would definitely tell them in advance, and despite popular opinion would not tell them in person. Email would be my suggestion (text would be too brief). I am currently 10wks PG (ecstatic!) but my husband and I spent almost 4 years TTC. It is an unbelievably difficult pill to swallow when something you want so badly isn't happening for you, yet is happening to what feels like EVERYONE around you. I can recall countless times being told in person by ecstatic friends/family, and it was so incredibly difficult to not break down crying in front of them. Of course I was happy for them... But I was more devastated for myself. Only in one instance did a friend send me an email in advance, and tell me to take as long as I needed before I was ready to talk to her. I appreciated so much the way she told me, and the way she understood how difficult it would be for me to hear. So that's my vote! Tell in advance, via email, and ensure you express that you understand how it may make them feel, and that your thoughts and prayers continue to be with them.
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  • As someone who struggled with IF, don't tell them in person.  I always felt that, no matter how hard I tried, my face gave me away when people told me in person.  That, and although I was happy for anyone, I would really just want to cry.  Give them time to process it, collect themselves, and then they can respond appropriately. 

    I'd email them several days before bible study to give them time to read it and come to terms, then announce. 

    DD 9/2/13


  • image L&R70707:
    I don't agree with the pps.  Telling them in person is awkward and puts them on the spot no matter how you do it.  I think a text or an email allows them time to absorb the news in private, rather than struggle to cover up whatever initial pain they might feel if told in person.  I'd just keep a simple "we wanted to let you know in private" type of message.  They'll be there for the happy announcement, so you don't need to make the heads up a big exciting deal.

    this. 


    R&K married 4.15.11. TTC #1 since 7.11.12

    BFP #1 9.9.12 EDD 5.21.13 c/p 9.12.12 at 4 weeks 1 day

    BFP #2 10.15.12 EDD 6.28.13 c/p 10.19.12 at  4 weeks.

    BFP #3 1.19.13 EDD 10.1.13 Eleanor born 10.7.13 at 40 weeks 6 days

    13dpo hcg@32, progesterone@13.7, 15dpo hcg@110, 16dpo progesterone@25.9



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  • Thanks for the advice, everyone! I think that, given our relationship, a text or email would be best. We've known this other couple for a little over a year. I am not close friends with the wife, and my husband has only recently become close with the other husband. They communicate a lot by text/email regarding church stuff (or silly hobby stuff), so it would be most natural for my husband to text or email the other husband. We'll definitely leave out the "good news" part though.
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  • Do it in person or on the phone prior to the meeting a few days before.  We went through 2 1/2 years of announcements and births before getting our own positive. By telling them a few days prior will give them time to process it before it is announced. They may not take it badly but if you spring it on them and then go and tell the group, you really didn't do any good. 
    Brandon Le born 9/9/13 as a result of IVF#1


  • Ok so it seems that most if not all the people the identified themselves as having IF issues...said tell before hand but in an e-mail or phone.  One said think of them personally and decide if they would want to know in person or phone or e-mail...I did not have trouble but by sorting out this little poll I would tell them in an e-mail unless you are sure they would prefer the face to face approach.  I am thinking something brief and to the point.  like:  We wanted to let you know that  x and I are expecting in (month) and we are planning to announce to our Bible Study group on  (day).

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