January 2013 Moms

Help! MIL problems!

I'm new to the board, but I need some serious advice! Also this is probably going to be really long...sorry! My daughter will be a month old tomorrow, and from day one DH's mom has been nothing but a pain. To start with, she does not acknowledge that DD is mine, not just her son's. She printed out pics she took at the hospital and had ONE of me and dd. All the others were of her and dd or DH and dd. She also keeps saying how much dd looks like DH. When I told DH how it hurt my feeling, he made it a point to say to her how DD has my lips, ears, etc. To which my MIL replied, "no she does not!" That seriously hurt my feelings!
She's also been on me about giving dd a pacifier. DH and I have decided not to give her one yet to see how she does without one. So far, she's been perfectly fine! But any time dd cries when MIL is around she says, "see, she just needs a paci." Most of the time she's crying because she's hungry or needs to be changed! You don't just shove a pacifier in their mouths as soon as they start crying! I told DH that she was getting on my nerves by constantly saying that and he said the next time she did, he would tell her to respect our wishes. Well, she's said it every time we've seen her since then he has yet to say anything!
There are other small hurtful/annoying things she says and does like how she doesn't like that I bf, or how she acts like DH takes care of dd all the time..., but these are the two biggest. I just don't know how to handle it without starting a huge fight.

Re: Help! MIL problems!

  • I think the only thing you can do is ignore the comments as much as possible.
    I do think it's natural for grandparents to think the lo looks like their side...even in the very newborn stage where LO doesn't even have defined features. I doubt she means harm by it. Fwiw my mil insists both our kids look just like DH...where everyone else says DD is my mini me and DS looks very much like her. My mom insists both kids have her nose...like most babies they have button noses. And I have my dad's nose. It's annoying and I ignore it.

    With "parenting advice " just keep repeating "i hear you. Dh and I have discussed it and will X for now. "
  • I applaud you for not going off on her. She doesn't like that you breastfeed? Wtf? I seriously don't get people. What does she care as long as the baby is fed?

    Talk to your husband again. He needs to stand up for you.

    Also since you do nurse excuse yourself to another room to "feed" every time she starts going on about something even if you and baby just chill. Maybe it will eventually click that she should keep her mouth shut.
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  • Ugh, I'm sorry she is being such a pain in the butt. It sounds like you need to have a conversation with YH and tell him how hurtful the things she's been saying to you are. Then make it his responsibility to say something to her next time she says something rude.

    FWIW my MIL keeps going on and on how my LO has DH's "light" coloring. Um... the baby has blond hair (like I do) and blue eyes (like I do) and DH has brown hair and dark hazel eyes. Granted, DH had strawberry blond hair for a few years before it turned brown...but HELLO!

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  • totally understand where your coming from. but i've already realized it will probably get worse before it gets better!

     

    my MIL thinks that  I spoil DS because the past few days he wont sleep unless I'm holding him so he's always in my arms, and because I don't let him cry by himself. Like your baby DS only cried when he's hungry or needs to be changed so I immediately take care of these needs. And she is constantly on my case about switching our family to all organic foods because thats what she feeds her family and claims thats the only healthy way to eat. Sometimes i want to scream LEAVE US ALONE!! but I know that wont help so i bite my tongue

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  • Ignore the comments about who your LO looks most like. It'll only get worse as your child grows and becomes active. (Ie: "my son used to do the same exact thing!" Or "reminds me when we did XYZ together as a family") It gets annoying but sometimes its fun to hear stories about my Dh as a boy. 

    As to the unsolicited advice I found these helpful:

    1. "Thanks, we do XYZ and it seems to work. If we run into problems, I'll keep your suggestion in mind." 

    2. I discussed XYZ with LOs pedi and she recommends ...

    #2 can be a total crock but people tend to not push things if they think youve actually talked to a Dr about it.

    Hang in there mama!! 

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  • I can totally relate. Much of the same stuff is happening to me. I think it's justtheir eexcitement and since DH is their child they naturally lean more that way. Unfortunately some MILs are oblivious to our feelings. I try to ignore it, and honestly DD does look a lot like DH. I just keep hoping that she'll develop some of my features as she matures!

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  • Lurking from December.

    My MIL did the same thing when LO1 was born. She even wanted to take (and did before I snapped out of my state of shock) pictures as a "family" without me. Also, everything about LO looked like DH... or DH this.... Dh that.... Whatever.

    I realize now how silly it was. And, in a funny twist of fate, LO1 looks identical to me now. Hahahahahaha! My point is just that MILs try to relive their "glory" days through their grandchildren. Just ignore it, and if she says anything hurtful, address it calmly. If it bothers you enough, then the next time she says how much LO looks like dh, say, "Well, that's funny b/c most people say she looks exactly like me." Then smile and change the subject. Addressing rude comments doesn't mean that you're being mean- it means that you're not allowing yourself to be a victim of her commentary. Try to take it all with a smile and sense of humor- she's obviously desperate just trying to be included somehow.

    Oh, and for the record, it usually stops. However, my dad continues to think he can have semi-rude commentary about my children and how we raise them. I make it a point to say, "I understand that's how you feel. However, these are MY children and I can raise them any way I want. Unless I ask for your opinion, you can keep your thoughts to yourself." Slightly abrasive perhaps, but for him, it works.

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  • Just tell her that you are her mother and she needs to back off.  Be assertive.
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  • I agree with being assertive. My husband and I are currently TTC but watching my bestie go through things is unbelievable sometimes. She NEVER says anything and I end up furious but, of course never say anything(it's not my place) My husband and I have decided that if need be, we'll have to "ground" our parents from the baby(ies) if need be to let them know that they have crossed the line and we won't stand for it.
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