3rd Trimester

Need MIL advice

My MIL just announced that she wants to come visit for the long weekend of Easter--one week before our due date but increasingly when it sounds like my docs are going to want to induce thanks to GD and other complications.  MIL's thought is that if she makes it in time for the birth, great; if not, we'll just have the holiday together.  Her work schedule rotates around the school year, but she doesn't see being able to get out to meet the new grandchild over the summer since she's already made other travel plans, so this might be her only chance before next Christmas (we haven't told her we don't plan to travel for Christmas yet).

Is it just me, or is she asking a lot of us to put her up and try to have a "holiday" within the week before our first child is due?  At a time when I expect I'll be highly anxious, seriously uncomfortable and not so pleasant to live with?  Not to mention, if the docs DO end up inducing me while she's here, both DH and I agree she's not welcome in L&D.  We've even been telling our local crew not to visit us in the hospital, since we'd rather be able to focus on the LO and get some good sleep before we have to head home to reality.

How do I tell this woman that I really don't want her to come visit at that particular time?  Am I just being unreasonable?  My parents live as far away as she does.  They're giving us our space and waiting a couple weeks to come visit.  She, however, can't afford to take the time off when school is in session.  Is it our problem how she chooses to prioritize her summer travel?  Grr.

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Re: Need MIL advice

  • Your H needs to tell her
    TTC since May 2012; BFP July 31st, 2012; EDD April 13th, 2013 BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker Anniversary
  • YEs your husband needs to talk to her.

    I guess if your comfortablewith it,  you could tell her that she would have to stay at a hotel and then have planned visits with her. If the earliest she could see the baby is at Christmastime, then that is what it means.   My ILs have never even met our youngest and he is almost 2. 

  • It's up to you and DH who you want to stay with you, when, and who is at L&D with you.

    That being said--assuming you get along with her well enough, I don't think it's too much to have her stay with you around Easter.  You still get to say who is at L&D and just because she's *there* (visiting) doesn't mean she has to be at L&D.  She can wait at (your) home and greet you when you get back.  Possibly with a cleaner house than when you left and maybe even a home-cooked meal.

    It's up to you, but if I were in your shoes, I'd go for it.   

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  • Would you be fine with her staying in a hotel and going out to eat for Easter? That could alleviate stress for you and could possibly be a good compromise. I would just make sure that she's clear about your wishes as far as labor and delivery go as well. 
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  • image nyki06:
    Would you be fine with her staying in a hotel and going out to eat for Easter? That could alleviate stress for you and could possibly be a good compromise. I would just make sure that she's clear about your wishes as far as labor and delivery go as well. 

    I was going to suggest the same thing.

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  • image nyki06:
    Would you be fine with her staying in a hotel and going out to eat for Easter? That could alleviate stress for you and could possibly be a good compromise. I would just make sure that she's clear about your wishes as far as labor and delivery go as well. 

    This. If she cannot afford a hotel, and you can, you might offer to pay for her. Or if you have any close relatives who'd be willing to host her, offer that. 

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  • This is a tricky situation and I think things are totally different knowing that she may not even see her grandchild for Christmas.  Maybe I'm different because family is very important to me, but that right there would be a reason to deal with her being there for 2-3 days at a holiday!  No, it isn't ideal..but lots of things aren't perfect, if it were me I'd suck it up.  And if she says, when the time comes..she wants to come visit for Christmas, will you really want her to or will we be seeing a post for "my MIL wants to come visit for Christmas, but it's our 1st Christmas as a family" post?? I also think it's rude to offer a hotel for her..that is your husband's mom! 

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  • image Ljd425:

    This is a tricky situation and I think things are totally different knowing that she may not even see her grandchild for Christmas.  Maybe I'm different because family is very important to me, but that right there would be a reason to deal with her being there for 2-3 days at a holiday!  No, it isn't ideal..but lots of things aren't perfect, if it were me I'd suck it up.  And if she says, when the time comes..she wants to come visit for Christmas, will you really want her to or will we be seeing a post for "my MIL wants to come visit for Christmas, but it's our 1st Christmas as a family" post?? I also think it's rude to offer a hotel for her..that is your husband's mom! 

    This.

    I barely knew my XMIL and EX barely knew my mom, but we both were happy to have our mothers stay with us after DD was born (not at the same time.) I can't imagine telling MIL to get a hotel when she just wants to visit you guys in the time she has available.

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  • I think what you decide to do would really depend on your relationship with her and her personality. I wouldn't mind having either my MIL or my mother stay with us for a few days right before my due date. I get along well with both of them, they are both good about boundaries, and would both definitely help out around the house with cleaning/cooking. I assume your MIL's long weekend is only 3 days, which isn't a long time really. You could always suggest that she stay for only 2 of those days. If you did induce early, would she respect your time in the hospital and wait until you are ready for her to meet baby?

    On the other hand, if your MIL is the type of person that expects to be entertained and fed, I would be more hesitant to welcome her in at 39 weeks pregnant. 








  • image Ljd425:

    This is a tricky situation and I think things are totally different knowing that she may not even see her grandchild for Christmas.  Maybe I'm different because family is very important to me, but that right there would be a reason to deal with her being there for 2-3 days at a holiday!  No, it isn't ideal..but lots of things aren't perfect, if it were me I'd suck it up.  And if she says, when the time comes..she wants to come visit for Christmas, will you really want her to or will we be seeing a post for "my MIL wants to come visit for Christmas, but it's our 1st Christmas as a family" post?? I also think it's rude to offer a hotel for her..that is your husband's mom! 

    But it's MIL's CHOICE she may not be able to see LO until Christmas because of her "travel plans." If family were that important to MIL, maybe she should change her plans so she can see the baby.

    I wouldn't want someone staying in my house, MIL or not, that close to birth. I would suggest a hotel or she can change her plans and see LO earlier.

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  • The only really unreasonable bit I'm seeing is that she expects you to put her up.  If you weren't expecting a LO that week it wouldn't be an issue (I assume) but if you're like me, you're going to feel compelled to entertain and clean up after and feed a house guest at a time when you really should be relaxing.  That last week before the baby's born you should be allowed to be a lazy, selfish person because it's the last time for a long time that you'll only have to take care of yourself and no one else. 

    Your DH should explain to his mom that you guys can't handle a house guest the week you're due.  You can't really stop her from visiting (and you shouldn't judge her for making other travel plans wih her vacation time) but he should ask her to find other accomodations.  He should also remind her that you both decided you don't want visitors in the hospital.

    Don't bring up your parents, making comparisons between your family and the ILs won't go well, it's asking for a bigger argument.

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  • I would say you probably need to find a way to compromise.  I have had a similar situation and DH felt that I was being insensitive to what he wanted (even though it was really what his mom wanted).  I guess it was okay to sacrifice a little of what I thought was best to have some peace with the rest of the family.  
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  • I would suggest compromising as well. I was up for visitors last time, but who knows this time. Well my SIL said that they got flights to come in the weekend after my due date to visit. She had miles they had to use anyways. They didn't even ask and honestly she is big help, so it didn't matter. They are more than welcome to stay with us. They also have 3 other houses to chose from. I am not a big fan of putting family in a hotel as long as we have the space. Plus I have my room to run away to if I chose.

    I would just be clear that the timing might not be what she wants, she is not allowed at the hospital and what you do for Easter is based on how you are feeling. If she can't understand that then I would have talk to her about not coming. Otherwise I would let her come see her grandchild.

    Why can't she come out for Summer?

    "A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
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  • image 526SadieSadie:

    The only really unreasonable bit I'm seeing is that she expects you to put her up.  If you weren't expecting a LO that week it wouldn't be an issue (I assume) but if you're like me, you're going to feel compelled to entertain and clean up after and feed a house guest at a time when you really should be relaxing.  That last week before the baby's born you should be allowed to be a lazy, selfish person because it's the last time for a long time that you'll only have to take care of yourself and no one else. 

    Thanks for all the feedback.  Sadie, I think you put pretty succinctly the reason I'm a little bent out of shape--it's our last week as just the two of us--our last week without 24/7 responsibility.  That said, I do feel like I'm being unreasonable--hence my post.  It's not that I don't want her to visit, it's just that she didn't ask. She just announced we'd be hosting her.  I'll feel compelled to entertain because if I don't she'll try to be "helpful" and end up just bugging the hell out of me (we have very different ways of maintaining a house).  Not to mention, as sweet as she is, she always puts my DH in a bad mood that I don't particularly want to deal with.

    I couldn't ask her to stay at a hotel.  While our place is on the tiny side, and our guest room is currently a futon in our living room, she's coming to be with us, not some impersonal hotel staff.  I'll just have to have DH remind her that staying "with us" does not extend to the hospital--though if kiddo pops out right before she's supposed to leave, we'll have to concede to her visiting--and she might have to take the shuttle to get back to the airport if we're otherwise occupied.  The docs are talking about inducing either the Thurs before or the Mon after Easter, so we'll see...

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  • You have the absolute final say in the whole L&D issue and I hope she understands that.  How does your husband feel about all this?  I would not personally feel comfortable pushing my MIL out like that, and I realize it's the end of your pregnancy and you'll be irritable and uncomfortable.  But on the bright side, you have the PERFECT excuse to be b*tchy about it if it all becomes too much. 
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    2013-07-17 at 07.15.09
  • I don't have any great advice. I have an evil mother-in-law whom I can't stand. I just try to remember that it's DH's mom, and that as the mom of a little boy, someday my baby is going to be married and his SO may not like me.

    If you need to enforce limits, I agree with PP advice to make sure it's your husband doing it.

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  • I think it all depends on your relationship with her.  If she's just going to add stress to you & want to be entertained, say thanks but no thanks.  Any person who expects to be entertained by their DIL at 39 weeks pregnant must be crazy though, or maybe I just have nice parents/inlaws!  I guess I don't see issue with having her at hospital.  no one says she needs to be in the deliver room.  My parents and inlaws plan to start heading down shortly after we get to the hospital to see the baby, see us, share in the celebration, etc, but they are not goign to be in the delivery room!
  • Not sure what kind of relationship you have with your MIL. But I couldn't imagine telling her no. That is your babies grandmother. Your husbands mom. I am sure she is excited and also could be a lot of help. Take all the help you can get. :). Good luck!!
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