3rd Trimester

Who to have in the delivery room?

My husband and I decided to not have anyone in the delivery room.  I recognize this may change when time comes, but for now this is what I am most comfortable with.  I told my mom and she flipped out.  It caused a huge argument.  I think she is being unsupportive and making this all about her.  She says I am clueless to hurting people's feelings.  Any thoughts?  What have others done?  Am I being too harsh?
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Re: Who to have in the delivery room?

  • No, I think thats fair. I told my mom that she can be in the room until I need to push and things start getting real. Then she needs to leave. That was a good compromise for her. 
  • It's not too harsh, and it's your choice. I only had H and a doula the first time around, and this time it will just be H. No way would I ever, ever want anyone else in the delivery room with me.
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  • Frankly, this is yours and DH's time not anyone else's. Your mom had her time when she had you and it is your right as you expand your family to have whoever you want in there. DH and I are probably not going to call anyone until we've had her and feel we've had our fill of our special first moments with her. This is about you and your new family member not anyone else. 
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  • My husband and I have decided that it will be us and one of closest friends if she choses she would like to be there (she has been waivering), but NO MOMS. We know this may not come across well, but it is my choice and my delivery. Plus I wouldn't be comfortable with my MIL seeing me in labor and I don't want to have to hear the fall out of letting one mom in over the other. Not going there!!

  • No, I think that's fine. It's your choice and your "hooh-hah" that'll be on display :) I personally, as a FTM, want to have my mom in the room. This is also her 1st grandchild and she lives 9 hrs away, so....it's a pretty big deal for her too. For subsequent births, it'll probably be just me and SO. I do NOT and will NOT have MIL in the room though. That's too much for me. SO understands and has no objections. So it'll be just him and my mom this time around.

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  • It will just be DH and I in the delivery room.  The fewer people the better for me to keep calm and relaxed.

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  • image Ktrevey:
    No, I think thats fair. I told my mom that she can be in the room until I need to push and things start getting real. Then she needs to leave. That was a good compromise for her. 

    This exactly :)

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  • image mabenner1:
    Your kid, your labor, your decision.

    Exactly. This is about you getting through this in whatever manner you are most comfortable. The fact that your mom is making this about her is ridiculous. She's obviously having some hurt feelings about being included, perhaps to help her feel part of it you can assign her some task, i.e. contacting extended family, managing family who are waiting at the hospital (if you have family that insist on being there), bringing you a special snack when labor is over, etc.

     For me, my husband and doula are going to be the only ones in the room. The first time around it was just my husband. I can see why for someone with a different personality than me they'd want their mom there. But it's a personal decision for you.

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    Your kid, your labor, your decision.

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  • I actually initially asked her to help with our dog so my husband could stay at the hospital with me.  She ended up using that against me and was insulted by my even asking if I wasn't going to allow her in the delivery room.  :(  I like the idea of asking her to inform family because she would love that.
  • I really don't understand how parents seem to think it's obligatory that they are in the delivery room. Were they there when your LO's life was being created? Doing coaching from the closet and cheering you on??? I'm so glad I come from a family that understands privacy and they want to be told when I go to the hospital and to inform them before the pushing begins. This way they don't have to stand around in the waiting room for what could be hours. They show up after the LO is born ans cleaned up and only come to make sure that everyone made it through healthy. Then they understand that you need rest and quiet bonding time with your new family. If we are in the hospital for 2 or more days, that's when the visiting begins!! Maybe I should consider myself lucky??
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  • I think that you're right. IMO, it's normal for your mom to be upset if she had her hopes up for being there for the delivery but in the end, it's about you, your husband and the baby you made together and no one else. She should respect your decision. This is a time in your life that you don't need to be sensitive to other people's feelings (except your H, of course)

    I can't imagine not having my mom in the room, but we are incredibly close. She was there for DS and was such a support and encouraging voice. Naturally, I wanted her in the delivery room with LO, and FI was okay with that. I did not want his mom in there, and he was upset by that. (I don't know if she was. We never talked about it.)

    I told him that I was okay with just her being in the waiting room and coming in right after he was born, and that was the plan. My step-mom called her when my mom told her that was having contractions 2 min apart, thinking that it was really close so FI's mom dropped DS off with my step-mom. She was in the room while I was laboring, and I was okay with that. But, things happened REALLY quickly once she arrived and when I was ready to push, she asked me where I wanted her, that she'd do whatever I wanted blah blah blah. All I could think about was the pain, the pressure and getting my baby out.

    ...She ended up staying in the delivery room. It wasn't in my plan but I don't necessarily regret it; she got to see her first biological grandchildren born and I really didn't notice her. The only thing I was focused on was LO. 

     

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  • I agree with everyone else- with DD I knew my mom would throw a fit and try to sneak in so I told her ahead of time it would just be us, and then I ended up being induced and we didn't tell her (or anyone for that matter) until I was already well into labor. And at that point he sent out a mass text that said I was in labor, he would send details as available and didn't respond unless there was a need. 

    I may let some visit during labor after I've had my epidural, but I don't want anyone in there while I'm in visible pain because I don't want anyone acting all pity-party for me. I may have to compromise at some point because someone will have to watch DD and bring her to the hospital- but NO ONE except DH in there during delivery. This is our time. 

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  • This is one of those times in your life where you have to look out for what you and your husband want and not be concerned about other people's feelings.  Is your mom allowed to be disappointed and upset ?  Sure, she is entitled to her feelings just like anyone else, however that doesn't mean you have to change your plans to spare her feelings ?  Let her be upset.  It won't be the last time so she might as well get used to it. 
  • I don't understand why anyone would "expect" to be in the room with you in labor. It never ever crossed my mind to have anyone besides my husband in the room. Was your grandmother in the room when your mother gave birth to you? Because I seriously doubt it. Just tell her no if that's what you want.. If she gives you a hard time about it she is selfish and childish.
  • Thanks everyone for your feedback!!!!  I am going to stick to my plan and if I change my mind in the middle of labor then even better for her, but I'm not going to let her guilt me into changing my mind.  She doesn't seem to understand what I mean by being supportive and she says I am misinterpreting what she says.  I think it was pretty clear when she told me I am clueless about hurting people's feelings (this is quoted verbatim too) that she was making this about her and completely disregarding what I wanted.  Onward and upward, no more stressing about this.  Everyone's feedback was really comforting and helpful so thank you!!!
  • It was just us 2 when we had DD, and it was miraculous. I will be doing it again this time. My mom was 100% supportive. His...not so much, but that's normal for her. 
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  • Don't let you mom upset you.  Besides, this a moment for your and your husband.  Other people feelings are kinda irrelevant. 
  • I don't think you are being too harsh. I am also only planning on having DH in the delivery room. I feel like more people might make things more hectic/chaotic.
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  • It will be us and the doula.  I am sure our moms may be disappointed, but they would never say so.

    At the end of the day, labor can be stalled and slowed when a woman is not comfortable with who is there.  I am trying for a med-free birth and need to be able to focus on that only.  I am a very modest person and for me, having other people there would definitely cause me anxiety.  

    Try to help your mom understand it maybe from that angle and reassure her that you love her, are so excited for her to meet her grandchild (after), etc.  Hopefully she will come around, but if not, I still think you need to do what is going to give you the best labor experience....it is hard work and not, in my opinion, a spectator sport.

    Good luck! 

    We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013.  We love her to pieces.  

    We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011.  She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.


  • You are not being too harsh at all. The first time around I JUST wanted my husband and myself to be there. We also had a doula but that didn't seem like a personal person in the room. 

    This time around is our last time around and I don't really care either way about my mom being in the room but I know it would mean a lot to her (and would be helpful to my husband) so I told her that she could be. My mom would NEVER expect to be invited into such an intimate moment though.  

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  • image mabenner1:
    Your kid, your labor, your decision.

    This exactly. It may sound harsh, but it isn't your mother's decision so she can stuff it up her wazoo.   

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  • I have actually already sent a really nice email to our family (parents and siblings) to explain the plan - we will call them when I go into labor, and when she is born.  We want at least 4 hours or so after she is born before having visitors...which means before they come to the hospital at all.  It would stress me out to know that people were "waiting" on me in the waiting room and I would feel rushed to let them in.  In that time I will be getting a shower and turning myself back into a human.  I am just not interested in having a big group of people around me immediately post-birth and I really want to have that time as a family of 3.  My parents are taking our dog to doggie daycare/boarding and his will manage the cat/mail (they live 1/4 mile a way) so that is the main reason we will call them when I go into labor.

    We are extremely close to both of our families, so it is not about that.  It is about wanting to have as smooth a labor/delivery as possible and have family time that we will never get back before others come in.  Luckily, we have an amazing family who is very understanding and respectful.  

     

    We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013.  We love her to pieces.  

    We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011.  She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.


  • image mabenner1:
    Your kid, your labor, your decision.

    Yep. I don't think you're being too harsh at all. With DS, it was just me and DH in the room. This time around, we've asked my mom and MIL to be in there with us. It's all up to you and what you feel comfortable with. 

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  • My mom and sister has no desire to be in the delivery room and I don't want them in there either.  Your mom needs to be understanding and let it be and not say another word.

  • We did the same thing, just DH and I. My mom also flipped. She had a pretty traumatic experience with me and not only was her mom in a different state and couldn't be there but she ended up not being able to have anyone other than the medical staff with her.

    We ended up conceding to letting her and my father there while I was laboring (but after the epi) and kicked them out for pushing. I told them it could be awhile after delivery before I was ready for them to come back in, but they were okay with that. 

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  • image jfloor:
    My husband and I decided to not have anyone in the delivery room.  I recognize this may change when time comes, but for now this is what I am most comfortable with.  I told my mom and she flipped out.  It caused a huge argument.  I think she is being unsupportive and making this all about her.  She says I am clueless to hurting people's feelings.  Any thoughts?  What have others done?  Am I being too harsh?

     

    I think you hit the nail on the head. When it comes down to it, it's all about LO. If you have to deal with undue stress, it might make labor even more difficult than it already is! Stand your ground. 

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  • I don't think you're being unreasonable or harsh at all.  DH was the only one with me in the delivery room and that is just the way we wanted it.  It's a very personal time for you and your DH so you two get to decide who will be there.
    Wesley Daniel - July 24, 2014

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