July 2013 Moms

vent re: birth plan

usually I see/hear natural birthing women complaining that people aren't being supportive of their birth plan. Well, turns out it goes both ways! I have a bunch of med-fee, home birthing women (who love me and have my best intentions at heart, I know) really trying to shove their methods down my throat!

I tried really hard to make sure I was supportive and encouraging when they were discussing their birth plans. I knew it wasn't my decision, and they were making the choices that made them most comfortable. Why can't they understand that I am doing the same by NOT setting my sights on a med-free natural birth?

They weren't in the room when I was having IF treatments where many doctors commented on my abnormally small, tight cervix. They weren't there when the radiologist COULDN'T thread the catheter for my HSG and instead had to lay across the Xray table with her hand up my hooha to perform the test, or when the RE had a moment of doubt that she would even be able to perform the IUI. They weren't there when I made the decision to accept that my children might not be conceived "naturally," let alone BIRTHED that way. I have had to adjust and let go of so many plans/dreams when it comes to my child - I have decided that it's in my best interest to not have my heart set on any method of birthing. If I get to deliver vaginally, great. If I have to get a CS, well then that's what happens. If I want an epidural, I WILL NOT be made to feel guilty about it. If I am lucky enough to produce enough milk for my child, fabulous. I'll put it to use. If not, well then my kid will still be healthy, happy and plump. I have enough cervical and psychological issues to justify ANY decision I make, even if I don't feel the need to share them with everyone who asks.

I so wish that EVERYONE would accept that these are personal decisions, and if we want your advise/wisdom, we will let you know.

Thanks for listening.

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I had unexplained IF (17 BFNs and a failed IUI), a break cycle BFP, low progesterone, a fabulous second trimester, a gender reveal party (gasp!), insulin dependent GD, low amniotic fluid, IUGR, a 34w5d CS, a 13 day NICU stay, and a happily ever after with our beautiful baby boy!

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Re: vent re: birth plan

  • Ugh...I'm planning to go natural but I do NOT think that gives me the right to be on some high horse. I'm more terrified of not being to move my legs than anything which played a role in that decidion lol. Birth is the most personal time in a woman's life...no one has the right to really even comment on such a personal decision. I don't care if a woman decides to have an elective c section...HER body, HER baby, HER decision. Don't let hipster jerks act like they're better than you, even if they're your friends....if they run their mouths again I say put em in their place...you should be getting nothing but support from those in your life.
  • It sounds like you have the right attitude.  I feel the same way (and I'm all for the epidural)!  If someone can't be supportive of your choices, which you have every right to make for yourself, medical justifications or not, I wouldn't continue to talk to them about these things.
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  • Ugh, that's so tough. I'm sorry to hear that you've had so many challenges so far. 

    It really would be nice if all of us women could have each others backs instead of tearing down the others plans and ideas. These are VERY personal decisions! Good luck with everything :) 

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  • First, I am SO SORRY you're being mommy-bullied by these women. People often believe "their" way is the "right" way, and they truly believe pushing their agenda on someone else is "helping." UGH! This is not fair of them, and if it continues I would consider emailing them a version of what you posted above. You were measured, reasonable, and have obviously put a lot of thought into your pregnancy, let alone the birth. People who have not had any real medical issues with their pregnancy or conceptions simply cannot fathom how much medical intervention is sometimes necessary, even if they read that one book or saw that one movie that said otherwise.

    Second, I am right there with you. If I had gotten PG 5 or 10 years ago, I would be expecting that same kind of conception and birth your friends are describing, but the reality of my medical history and HR pregnancy has changed my mind on many issues. If you've got a complication-free pregnancy, by all means do whatever you want for your birth! For those of us who are living week-to-week this pregnancy, doing everything we can to keep our babies alive and thriving, the reassurance of a hospital birth with medical intervention is the insurance plan that we need to get through the "home stretch" of our pregnancy. I'm scared every day of this pregnancy, and yes, I know it's no use to borrow trouble, but that's how it is. I think the fact that I'm jabbing myself with a needle twice a day to keep this baby alive is enough pain/discomfort, and if I end up wanting an epidural, I'm damn well getting one, and will NOT feel bad about it!

    I really wish I could give you a hug right now, because I empathize with you completely. You're doing everything right, so tell these people to back off, and if they don't, distance yourself from them if possible. You've got enough going on, you do not need their negativity/judging to weigh in on your life.  

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  • I'm a dirty tree hugging hippie because I plan to homebirth and ebf, and I don't think it's ANYONE'S business to judge a woman's birth plan. I could never give birth safely if I wasn't comfortable, and it's your choice to do what you feel is right for you.

    I am tired of people telling me that I'm never going to be able to handle the pain or that breastfeeding is too much work and I won't like it. I imagine it's similarly frustrating for you as well.

    I'm sorry people are judgey and stupid. 



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  • I'm sorry you had that experience and that you didn't get the support you needed from the group of people you needed it from. Can you find another group that is less judgmental of your decisions?

    Stay confident. It sounds like you have the right attitude about this. Its not their baby, their vag or their uterus. Let them do what they want with their own body. Its up to you and your H to make decisions for your child.

    The only thing about pregnancy that is predictable is how unpredictable it is. Research your options and make the decisions that work best for your family. Life is too short to worry about petty, pushy people.  

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  • I think usually judgments like these come from a place of insecurity. Obviously because you are choosing to do something different you think their choice is wrong. They somehow need to convince you otherwise.

    I'd do two things:

    1. Realize that you are doing what is best for your family with the information and resources you have available. Own that.

    2. Stop discussing your plans with people who can't be supportive.

    Good luck! 

     

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  • Thanks girls. I appreciate the love. FWIW, I know these girls love me and think I've been brainwashed by the system. They really think they're doing the best by "encouraging" me to broaden my mind. it's just ironic because when one of them was pregnant, she told me several times that she was hesitant to discuss her birth plan because she didn't want to have to justify it to others! I am being relatively firm with them, but also trying to not make this the hill I want to die on in otherwise very positive and rewarding relationships. 99% of the time, I would be very receptive of their opinions, which is why they think that this is an ok topic as well. I'll have to come up with a way to establish a boundary around this particular topic. Again, I apprecaite your support! I love that mamas on both sides of the issue can agree that it's a personal choice!!

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    I had unexplained IF (17 BFNs and a failed IUI), a break cycle BFP, low progesterone, a fabulous second trimester, a gender reveal party (gasp!), insulin dependent GD, low amniotic fluid, IUGR, a 34w5d CS, a 13 day NICU stay, and a happily ever after with our beautiful baby boy!

    I am a Fearless Formula Feeder!

  • Preach it because you are absolutely right.
    You want me to beat someone up for you cause I totally will. Hair pulling and all.

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  • So sorry you had to go through so much, and then get this attitude.

    I'm leaning towards going med-free. But in general, it seems that the women in the "natural" spectrum tend to be more judgemental (nono, not all of them) then the ones who go the more usual route. This high horse is something that almost makes reconsider the med-free plan.

     

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  • image Goldfish_Gibb:
    Don't let hipster jerks act like they're better than you, even if they're your friends....

    To go off topic a bit. I thought hipsters were trendy punk kids who dress like Zoey dechanel, think everything is "so mainstream," and/or go to fancy art schools because their parents pay for it?  

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  • image dreadiemama:

    image Goldfish_Gibb:
    Don't let hipster jerks act like they're better than you, even if they're your friends....

    To go off topic a bit. I thought hipsters were trendy punk kids who dress like Zoey dechanel, think everything is "so mainstream," and/or go to fancy art schools because their parents pay for it?  


    That's extraordinarily accurate IMO.

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  • I am so sorry you are going through this but glad you are standing firm. Unfortunately, it doesn't end with the birth plan or BFing. Next will be CD vs DD, food selections and then the child's progress... I don't know what part of human nature convinces us that there is a single right way for all humans to do things. Stand strong girl and I'm glad you don't feel like you have to justify your decision to them. 

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  • I'm sorry you're not getting support. I had a wayyyy more mild version of that with a coworker when I mentioned I'm definitely doing an epidural. I don't think you or anyone else should have to justify the reason for your birth plan. Hopefully you can shut them up somehow - I'm at a loss as to what to say that doesn't involve tons of snark and losing friends!
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  • I agree for the most part, though I slant on the more natural side of things. You should get the kind of labor and birth experience you want. Do you know what you want? If not that's fine, but I hear a lot of women while they're pregnant with their first baby go by the "just so long as the baby is healthy" standpoint, but eventually some will have a traumatic birth experience which can and does take them off guard emotionally and physically and then they regret not doing more research to avoid certain situations that happened to arise. Many of the "natural birth moms" on these boards have had these experiences because the first time around wasn't at all what they thought it would be. 

    Just perhaps a little perspective from a pro natural birth person...Wanting to have a natural birth and having natural post partum care in our country isn't always easy to come by. If a woman wants to go this route sometimes she really has no choice but to deliver at a traditional hospital with traditional OB's/nurses who often disrespect her opinions on what she wants for herself and baby...for no reason other than that's what most other women do. Some women...and I try not to be that kind of person because it's a personal and sensitive topic...think that when other women do not accept their idea of natural birth or roll their eyes at their plans, means that it's another source where they don't get support. We as women have the power to make ALL options available for each other and if some women don't care then it can prevent all women seeking a natural birth almost impossible. Unfortunately right now in some areas of the country it is impossible and these choices are being taken away or not given at all. It's really frustrating. Anyway, I can go on, but I do wish you a good experience whatever may happen.

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  • image meimsx:
    image dreadiemama:

    image Goldfish_Gibb:
    Don't let hipster jerks act like they're better than you, even if they're your friends....

    To go off topic a bit. I thought hipsters were trendy punk kids who dress like Zoey dechanel, think everything is "so mainstream," and/or go to fancy art schools because their parents pay for it?  

    That's extraordinarily accurate IMO.

    Then I guess I don't know what identifies a hipster. That's how it was explained to me. I live in a small town where your options are redneck or post city slicker, please excuse my ignorance :)

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  • image KittenD:

    I'm a dirty tree hugging hippie because I plan to homebirth and ebf, and I don't think it's ANYONE'S business to judge a woman's birth plan. I could never give birth safely if I wasn't comfortable, and it's your choice to do what you feel is right for you.

    I am tired of people telling me that I'm never going to be able to handle the pain or that breastfeeding is too much work and I won't like it. I imagine it's similarly frustrating for you as well.

    I'm sorry people are judgey and stupid. 

    Ditto this. 

    It is great that you recognize that they are doing it out of love, but you are absolutely right about needing their true support. At some point, you might want to say something really similar to your second paragraph. If that's not enough to wake them up, then you might need to find support elsewhere.

    As far as hipsters, I live in Portland and Dreadie, trendy punk kids is definitely accurate.

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