Babies: 0 - 3 Months

Mother in Law Anxiety

I don't know what it is, but I feel like my in law has an obsession with my baby girl. Like, when I was pregnant, SHE got pregnancy notifications posted on her wall through an app that was tracking my baby's progress as if it were HER baby. Plus I feel like we are in this constant mother struggle for some type of alpha-mom position. When we are with her, it seems like she doesn't want me to have anything to do with my baby, as if she wants to take over the mommy role. Last time we went to visit her, she even SNATCHED the baby away from me. My husband (who is a mama's boy) just brushes me off when I tell him because she doesn't ever do it in front of him. He just thinks I'm being crazy and hormonal. I let her see the baby, but every time we are with her and we let her take care of Elizabeth(my baby), I feel anxious and even sometimes angry at the thought. She even tries to take the her to work with her, as she works with children with special needs. My daughter is 3 months old and I just don't feel comfortable with his mom trying to take her to some person's house I have never met. And how can she take care of this child with special needs AND my baby? Yet she cries(literally) to my husband every time I tell her no. Then he tries to make ME apologize, but i'm not going to say sorry for something I am not sorry for. She is MY child and I shouldn't have to compete with her. Am I being crazy? 

Re: Mother in Law Anxiety

  • Well, your husband is the main problem here. He needs to step up and have your back. You are his wife, and your LO is his child. You 2 are his priorities now, not his mommy. Stop taking her over there, until she stops being a freak.
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  • Lurking, but seconding PP.  This needs to be a conversation between you and your husband.  You need to tell him you are uncomfortable with the way MIL acts and that you will not apologize for wanting to take care of your own child.  You are happy to have MIL visit, and to have her interact as a grandmother, but as a new mother yourself you need some boundaries.  Tell him you feel as though he is putting his mother before you, even if he doesn't realize he's doing it, then ask him how he would feel if you did the same with your parents.  Get him to realize how he is acting. 

    Then he needs to be the one to talk to his mother. 

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  • My DD is 19 months old and DS is almost a month. Ever since DD was born I have had anxiety when my ILs would visit. When I came home from the hospital with her I had a horrible experience with the ILs (mainly FIL) taking DD from me when she was crying (I was eating and holding her) hysterically and they would not give her back even though I knew she needed to bf. FIL always tries to get MIL to hold my babies saying things like "Oh well *** knows how to feed a baby" or "You always hold the baby... ** why don't you go over and hold her for awhile." It really just irks me. I don't know. He's just really pushy. Eventually I started saying things back like "Well she IS my baby, so YES I do get to hold her all the time." DH did step in after our first issue after the hospital and told his mom that she just can't take the baby like that and that as a first time mom, especially, I needed to be the one to fill the role of caretaker for the baby especially when she is needing her basic needs met. It really helped and she has backed off. He also lets his mom know when his dad crosses the line during/after a visit. 

    So through my experience, I do agree that you need to get your DH involved and on your side. My DH is a momma's boy too (he is an only child) but I was very upset about the situation and he was able to see my side and backed me up. He is your partner now and must let his relationship with his mother be behind your marriage- not before it. 

  • I would say that hubby needs to get over needy mom who obviously doesn't like you.  To bad, she is not the mother & does not need to be snatching your chid away from you or taking your baby to strangers houses.  I more outspoken so Hyatt *** wouldn't happen.  In- laws are simply just that in- laws.  The re not the parents.  Your husband needs to grow some balls & stand up to his mother.  My husband is a mamas oh too.  I told him it's her or me & the kids.  I don't play the stupid favorites thing.  He grew up & choose us, I have o problem telling him that his mother is wrong, but when needed I tell her that she needs to bite her tongue at times.  She's gotten better.  Don't take that attitude from either of them.
  • Stop focusing on your MIL and start focusing on your husband.  There is no way on God's green earth I would tolerate that kind of behavior from my husband.  When we got married, he vowed to put me above all others and let no one come between us.  Yes, that includes his mommy.  It is a shame that if given the choice between upsetting you and upsetting his mommy, he chooses upsetting you.  And what do you mean he has to see her being disrespectful to you for him to say anything ?  Does he think you are lying ?  Then he expects you to apologize to her ? 

    Dude, that is just terrible.  Put your foot down and do what is best for yourself and your baby. 

  • image mabenner1:
    Well, your husband is the main problem here. He needs to step up and have your back. You are his wife, and your LO is his child. You 2 are his priorities now, not his mommy. Stop taking her over there, until she stops being a freak.

    All of this. Exactly what I was going to say.

    FWIW, my FI's mom is very much like this and he has had a boundaries talk with her several times. With each talk, she backs off a little more. If it were me doing the talking, she'd let it go in one ear and out the other---- he needs to talk to her. 

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  • Thank you all for your advice and support. I'm glad to know i'm not just crazy! 
  • OMG! I soooooooo hope this doesn't happen but I KNOW I'll at least have to put MIL in check once. SO and I will both be first time parents at 32 & 30. We're fully grown. His mom is SUCH a "take-over-ER" & thinks she's an expert on everything. She's super senstive & has panic attacks (probably fake ones) all the time if anyone goes against what she says or even slightly challenges her "expertise". She's just a serious drama queen. He, fortunately, is not a mama's boy and I am NOT soft-spoken so I'm sure we can handle her. I just don't have time for it with a new baby and all the chnages I'll be going through. One plus is that she lives 9 hours away. But she always comes to town. Like, literally once a month. Who does that? Get a life. Ugh!

    No you are not being crazy. She is definitely over-stepping.

  • You're not crazy at all. You do need to talk to hubby about it but I understand that that can also be frustrating.You may have to just put your foot down, or slow down on how much you see her. How old is baby? If you're on leave from work you could make the excuse that you only have so much time before you have to go back and you want to concentrate on bonding or something so you want to spend more time with just your immediate family.

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