August 2013 Moms

Big Families: Negative Comments???

I've been getting some weird/ inappropriate advice recently and want to know if anyone else is in the same boat.

Since we are pregnant with our second decently close in age to our first, I've been getting the question, "How many do you want to have?" a lot. I have never made it a secret that I want a big family. I'm from a family of four kids and would like the same. I loved growing up having lots of siblings. 

So, when I share this with different people (mostly family or close family friends) I've been getting really strange comments that I think are a bit rude. It's mostly people warning me about how that will be difficult financially, emotionally or things like, "How can you give each kid what they need when you have so many?"

My mom gave me what I thought was really good advice when I was first engaged. She told me don't wait to have kids until you can afford them because you can never afford them. I just find it odd that so many people are basically telling me the opposite of this. I know a big family= money. I grew up having everything I needed but not everything I wanted. I didn't know the difference when I was a kid. 

IDK what to think about this or what to say to people. So my question is, has anyone who has or is planning on having a big family gotten similar comments? How do you deal? 

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Re: Big Families: Negative Comments???

  • Tell them to MYOB. Seriously, why they think they can comment on your family decisions is beyond me. You and your husband are the only ones that can decide this.

     

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  • It's only up to you and your husband.

    I wanted to have a larger family. I am from a two kid family and I always thought a bigger family would be more fun. DH is one of 6 children and really wants to stop at two. He says while he has some great memories growing up, there are times when he felt a little lost in the shuffle and things could be quite hectic. So he does not want to recreate that. His father is an attorney and mother was a SAHM so i dont think the money thing was an issue for them. Well, until college. I know that was hard on them financially.

    Being from a quiet small family, hectic sounds fun to me. But I want to respect his wishes as well. He has put his foot down saying the most he will have is three. But would rather stop at two. We will see...

     DS1 8/2011. DS2 8/2013.

  • A lot of people seem to think parenting/pregnancy issues are open season for comment. For me, unless someone says something really offensive or derogatory, I just let it roll off. Smile, nod, and a 'thank you for your concern' usually shuts down the conversation. If not, a MYOB is in order.

    Sorry you're having to deal with this! 

    DD1 (b. 8/16/2010)
    DD2 (b. 9/04/2013)
    BFP 2/25/12, m/c @ 6w 3d || BFP 8/1/12, m.m/c @ 9w5d
  • My mother raised 7, on her own, with no child support.  My oldest brother was 12 when she divorced.  She did it and we all turned out to be great people. No one has been in prison. Did I have everything I wanted as a kid? No, I missed out on some experiences b/c the money just wasn't there. However I don't think this has made me less of an person than I could have been.  In the end, it's your decision to make, not theirs. I don't know why people think it is appropriate the speak their opinion about every single thing in life. Ignore them and have your happy family. There is no limit on the amount of love a parent has for their children.
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  • She told me don't wait to have kids until you can afford them because you can never afford them.  Love it!  This is soooo true, not just about money.  IMO, if you're waiting till you're ready...financially, emotionally, etc.  You could wait forever.  There are things needed for parenthood that you don't get UNTIL you're a parent!

    Anyway, having a big family is your decision and you can't let other people get to you just because they can't see themselves being parents of a large brood. :-)  About the comments...I'm from a family of eight kids, so I don't get much negativity from that front.  My husband, on the other hand, is an only child.  He loves our growing family and we make sure his parents know we're not planning on stopping right now.  Luckily no snarky comments from their angle. 

    Random people in the store can be the toughest to handle.  Sometimes I want to shoot back an answer as rude and opinionated as their question.  It's really tough to be polite and not ask invasive questions about THEIR reproductive practices!  It's sad that the question about number of children has become a "conversation starter" now.  "What's the baby's name?  How old is she?  Are you having more?"  Ummm...None of your business!

    Sorry for the long response. :-)  Good luck with you pregnancy!  Having four kids is, as my son would say, "Super, super fun!" 

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  • That's so rude! I would never say that to someone. Don't listen to anyone's opinion. I don't know what I would say in this situation, but I feel like you should definitely say something so that these people know you do not want their opinions!
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • I am pregnant with our fourth. I get the "what are you going for? a soccer team?" comments (that one was my boss!). Whatev. I don't care. This is planned to be it for us. Four is a lot and I think plenty but is also exactly what we have always wanted. It is hard right now, they're all young (oldest is 6) but it is the family we want. We are Catholic so I actually don't get a TON of negative comments from our friends since most are part of that same church circle. However, we don't have four kids because of traditional Catholic teachings (for example, I had an IUD in until we were ready to try for #4 here). We just want a big family.

    When I do get a side eye from someone - I usually just say "I'm one of 3 kids and my husband is one of 4. From our own family experiences we always knew we always knew we wanted 3-4....We went with 4." That usually shuts them up. That seems to make enough sense to most people.

    I don't think I owe anyone an explanation but again, that much info seems to appease most so that's usually what I offer.

    -K
    Mom to 3 girls ages 2, 4 & 6!
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  • Honestly, just ignore them. Your finances, not their problem, your family planning, not their problem. I've noticed that whenever a friend announces on FB that they're pg with # 3 they always get a comment on "You know how to prevent this, right?" People are just awkward.
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  • Dh brought 3 kids with him into our marriage. We plan on 2 more so 5 total. A male coworker made a rude remark about it. I looked at him and said " I'm sorry. I wasn't aware you had a say in what my uterus does..." he killed the convo quickly.
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  • We're pregnant with our first but this is grandchild number seven for my husband's side. I'm getting more advice than I need (especially how a vegetarian will have lots of problems with pregnancy and the child won't be healthy). I've come up with a few standard, short answers for the really rude questions. (i.e. - Is it a boy or girl? We don't know and aren't planning on finding out. Do you have a name picked out? WE aren't sharing names until the baby is born. Can eating vegetarian be healthy for the baby? My doctor has no concerns about my diet and neither do I.) Although I feel like I'm on repeat sometimes, my husband's family has stopped asking some of their questions. I'm in a little different situation than you, but try just shutting down some of the questions and eventually they will stop asking.
  • Tell them thanks and then do whatever the heck you want.  DH and I are planning to have a 3rd. My mom is *dead* set against it.  But it's really none of her business! 
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  •  There will always be snarky, rude people to deal with that feel they can comment on others life decisions. One of my close friends is mom to 9 kids. And they're probably not done. They're not rich, but they're happy, healthy, and a really fun bunch! I don't necessarily agree with that many kids, but I've NEVER said anything, because it's HER and her DH's decision, not mine. As long as I see the kids are cared for, loved, and happy, then who has a right to judge her?!  I have 3 step kids (2 live with my FT, 1 every other wkend), so we'll have 4 total at this point. Not sure if anyone will judge, but I'll be quick to shut them up! I'm the middle of 5 kids, and NEVER wanted to have more than 3. But I got 3 just by marrying DH, sooo, things change! :) Just ignore the comments. They will continue, probably throughout your life. But it's just rude jerks, who are ignorant and judgmental. JMHO. :)

     

    image AmeliaKris:
    Dh brought 3 kids with him into our marriage. We plan on 2 more so 5 total. A male coworker made a rude remark about it. I looked at him and said " I'm sorry. I wasn't aware you had a say in what my uterus does..." he killed the convo quickly.

    hahaha Looove your response!!

  • My brother and sister in law are currently pregnant with #5. The oldest is 7 years old so they are close in age. they get all sorts of rude comments and jokes all the time. They know how much money it costs and they know they will never give their kids everything brand new. They also know that their kids don't NEED all that stuff. They will have the things they NEED and maybe not as much as the kids next door. But they will be loved the same. It is wild and hectic and it is not for me, but they seem to really love it. My cousin's say a lot of nasty comments about them. But we could all judge the way others do things that are different from the way we do them. 

    Just be secure in the fact that you know what you want and let the negativity flow right off you.

    My mom always said that to us too, you will never have enough money for kids, you will just find a way to make it work. You just make the best of what you do have.  

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  • And if you decided to be one-and-done, you would get a whole host of other inappropriate comments. People just like to have opinions. Ignore them. 
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  • image That.Just.Happened:
    And if you decided to be oneanddone, you would get a whole host of othernbsp;inappropriatenbsp;comments. People just like to have opinions. Ignore them.nbsp;


    So true!!!
     DS1 8/2011. DS2 8/2013.

  • Don't let peoples comments irritate you.  What is best for you, your husband and your family is your own business.  Who cares about others opinions.

    As far as having enough time or money to have a big family, you do what works for you.  I am from a family of four kids and like you said, I had what I need, but not everything I wanted.  I see absolutely nothing wrong with that.

    I stay at home and we sacrifice so I can.  I get comments from people, but honestly, I learned not to let it bother me.

    No one is walking in your shoes, but you. 

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  • Other people weighing in on your family decisions is rediculous. Your kids will have lots of fun together, that's for sure! Sounds like you and your husband are on the same page and that is great!
  • I'm sorry that people are being so crummy to you.  I think it is enough to point out that you loved being part of a large family and are looking forward to sharing that joy with your own.

    I love large families for the opposite reason; ours was small.  I was so jealous of big families growing up!

    Lilypie - (4vrz)

  • I'm sorry that people are being so crummy to you.  I have not had those comments, I think it might be in the circle I run, we all kinda want bigger families, so we are used to it.  

    For us the issue has been, we have one boy and a girl, so people automatically make the assumption that you stop, because you have one of both. 

    LilySlim - (VMOr)

  • image That.Just.Happened:
    And if you decided to be oneanddone, you would get a whole host of othernbsp;inappropriatenbsp;comments. People just like to have opinions. Ignore them.nbsp;


    We are planning just one and I get comments like, "But they need to have a sibling!" I just have the urge to say, "Yes, siblings are great, but trying to conceive for over three years was stressful and the multiple fertility treatments were stressful and emotional and expensive. Finally getting pregnant with one is more than fine and dandy, and please get your nose out of my business."

    Everyone's situation is different and only you and your husband can decide what's best. My mom comes from a family of 7 and I absolutely LOVE our large family get togethers!!!
  • Thanks for the advice/encouragement ladies! Sounds like everyone is getting snarky comments for one thing or another! Boo to other people being overly opinionated.
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