3rd Trimester

How are you handling out of town parents/IL's?

How are you handling your parents or out-of-town in-laws visiting when the baby is born?  Are they coming in town immediately and visiting you at the hospital or waiting until you get settled at home? Are they staying in your house or hotel? 

Personally, I feel like it's much easier to deal with parents who live in town.  They can come and go as everyone wishes and I can ask them to leave at any point if I need space.  But if they are visiting from out of town it will be much harder for me to ask for space when they have made a special trip in town and their time visiting is limited.

This has been a big topic of conversation for DH and I.  And I get the feeling that how you handle visitors can make a huge impact on how you feel physically and mentally after baby arrives. 

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Re: How are you handling out of town parents/IL's?

  • We had a very limited visitation policy at first, so we could have our privacy as a new family, and I was hurting big time. My mil did come for a day to hang with Dh and Ds when I had to go back to the hospital for a blood patch. When my fil and gpils visited from out of state, they stayed in a hotel. I needed some semblance of normalcy in my own home.
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  • I would recommend not hosting anyone in your house for a few weeks. You will be tired and adjusting to being a new mom. If they want to visit, they need a hotel. And you need to discuss presenting a united front with your husband. If you're getting tired, he might need to be the meanie and make everyone leave. But if you ask people to leave so you can rest, he needs to back you up. No matter who visits, that's the most important.
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  • I think it depends on your relationship with your parents and ILs.

    With DS, my parents came down right away stayed 1.5 weeks. But they used to live in town, so when they knew we needed space, they would visit friends. But in all honesty, it was SO nice having them here. They cleaned my house, made me breakfast and dinner, and my mom even hung out with me sometimes at night while feeding DS (I was having trouble and she helped me out a lot)..

    Not everyone has the same relationship with their parents - I don't think my sis could have survived 1.5 weeks with my mom - but I was grateful to have her and my dad there!

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  • My parents will be hopping on a plane as soon as they hear we are going into labor. They will be at a hotel the entire time. My dad will probably only be here 1 or 2 days but my mom will stay for about a week like she did with my sister. HD and I don't want his parents to come until we are home and adjusted...about a month. They are older and I have a feeling they'll want to stay at our house. (which we are not looking forward too with a newborn) we'll see what happens.  
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  • My mom is planning on flying out the weekend before my EDD and staying for about a month. She wants to be here for the baby's birth (I'm her only daughter and this is her first grandchild, and we're pretty close anyways). She plans on staying with us, but we have a guest bedroom with a bed, and she basically wants to be here to help us out. We have no real close friends or family in the area so we shouldn't have any other visitors, unless my dad and brother decide to fly out once the baby is born, but we are waiting until it gets closer to figure all that out. 

    I worry about it sometimes too, that it might be too much, but Spouse is pretty happy that my mom is coming (they are close too) and we will have that support and assistance in person, not just over the phone. So I'm hoping it works out ok and will actually be helpful and not stressful! But I think being on the same page as your H is essential.  

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  • My mom is staying with my grandma for a week when she comes down and coming over to visit for a few hrs a day and to help out
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  • My inlaws are coming down a week after the birth and I can't wait. MIL will do all the housework and FIL will help with projects around the house and both of them will entertain DS1 as much as they can. They won't expect to be entertained and aren't overbearing. They will be staying in a hotel because we no longer have a guest room so we will have nights to ourselves for some breathing room.

    My parents are in town so they will drop in when they can. I will take all the help I can get and don't mind having guests as long as they don't expect much from me.

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  • My parents live four hours away and we will be calling them as soon as I go into labor. They will be watching our daughter and will be staying at our house while we are in the hospital. My inlaws will also be called immediately in case we need someone to take our daughter sooner (they are 1-2 hours away depending on if we're at home or the hospital). They will be staying in a hotel. 
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  • DH's parents are going to come down when I am in labor and help watch DD while we are in the hospital.  They'll probably stay 2-3 days (at the house), long enough for us to come home, and for them to have some quality time holding the baby.  They live about 3 hours away, so we often visit them for three day weekends, and will probably travel to them about a month after the baby is born.

    My parents are going to come down after they leave, and they will stay with us for 1.5-2 weeks.  That being said, we have a great relationship with both sets of parents.  My parents don't require any special entertaining or hosting.  My mom is quite capable of cooking, and cleaning to help out, and both my mother and my father are perfectly content to just sit and read a book out of the way some where, while DH and I go about our lives.  Not too mention it's nice to have an extra set of hands to pay attention to DD during this transition.

    We made it clear to both sets of parents that while we appreciate them coming and helping out, we reserve the right to send them home at any time with no hurt feelings.  This may or may not work out with your folks, but we were open and honest about not knowing how we would be feeling and if we would want some space.  Or even just saying, "Hey, can you guys find something to do out of the house today or tomorrow?  We'd really appreciate having some family bonding time."

    I was also very open about asking for help, during the time when they were here "Hey MIL can you manage to find something to put together for us for dinner, I think there's some chicken and veggies in the fridge?" or "Hey Mom, can you throw a load of laundry in for me?".  People are there to help but often times aren't sure what to do without overstepping boundaries, so they end up just sitting around waiting to hold the baby.  If you think of some things before hand that they can help with, it usually makes everything much smoother. 

  • Depends on your parents. Mine were the type who come to town and want to be entertained, not cook or clean for me.  Their idea of "helping" was to hold the baby so that I could go grocery shopping and make dinner. With a newborn who eats every 2 hours, all I wanted was to lay around with my top off and get BF down and nap when I could. I didn't want to have to clean my house, entertain and answer questions from my dad like "what does the baby need now?" When she started to fuss. Like I knew, I had been a mom for like 3 days. 

    I made them stay at a hotel, and not come until 2 weeks after dd was born so I could heal and get at least some BF practice in. My in laws were slightly more helpful and at least made dinner for us, but we made the same deal-at a hotel, 3 weeks later.  

    BFP #1 10/12/10, Emma born 7/27/11 at 40W6D
    BFP #2 8/11/12

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  • I would not suggest house guests.  When I came home with DD1 the house was not exactly as I would have wanted it.  Nobody bothered to vacuum or clean the bathrooms while I was in the hospital.  In addition, I felt like I had to entertain or if my father made dinner - I had to eat when it was ready regardless of what I felt like at that moment.

     

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  • Both of our parents live two hours away in our hometown. My parents are coming to the hospital and will stay with us for a week. My parents are very much hands off until we ask for help. They are going to be here mainly to keep my MIL out of my house and help me with the house and meals.

    Depending on when LO decides to come, my MIL will probably come down for spring break and try to stay most of the week. DH and I already agreed she is not staying in our house and can stay with family 20 minutes away. She will be at the hospital though and will stay two maybe three days at that point if she does like she did with my SIL.

    Do whatever would not put pressure on you. My parents won't put any pressure on us in any form and will actually help out where we WANT them to help unlike MIL who would do what she wants to do.

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  • I'm not sure what we're going to do.  My parents will come down as soon as I'm in labor so that they can stay with DD at home while MH and I are in the hospital.  They will probably stay for a few days.

    MH's parents live 12 hours away and I'm not sure what their plans will be.  MIL is a teacher and I'm due in May so it will be right at the end of the year for her so they might not come until she gets done for the year.  They'll probably stay with us which doesn't bother me at all.  I appreciate the help. 

      
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  • It will be interesting to see how this one works out for us!  My parents live just 40 minutes away.  So they will be able to easily come visit and then leave.  My husband should be able to take off a week or 2 once the baby arrives to help.  And my mom has offered to take off a few days to help me around the house and with the baby once my husband goes back to work.  But since she lives close I don't have to worry about having them as house guests.

     I am a bit concerned with the in-laws and what they will do.   They live around 3 1/2 hours away from us.  I have no clue when they will try to come up and see the baby.  I would guess shortly after she is born.  I am afraid that when they do they will want to stay with us since it is a lot of driving for one day.  I worry we will get stuck entertaining and hosting, which is the last thing you want to do with a newborn.  I figure I won't worry about it now and that my husband can deal with it if they end up staying. 

  • Originally, my parents were supposed to be down for the week of my due date, ILs come into town two days after my due date, but I ended up needing to be induced almost 4 weeks early (pre-e, gestational hypertension, and a really bad NST).  They all still came in town as scheduled (with taking off of work and such, and it being a PITA to get to where we live, they couldn't come earlier, which was completely fine by me!), and it was still stressful.  

    My parents were great, they played it by ear, let us cook, go out, or they cooked based on our input with how we were feeling.  My FIL on the other hand, was overbearing and demanding. MIL was just really excited, sometimes what she did would irk me (literally taking DS out of my arms, when I asked her things like "hey can you let the dog in from the backyard?" she'd take DS out of my arms and say "now you can!").  Thankfully, our house doesn't have room for any guests (only a two bedroom, and the main floor is much too small for a sofa bed/air mattress), so they stayed in a hotel, which I would seriously recommend!  I could see my ILs getting up in the middle of the night and "helping."  FIL once fed DS a 4 oz bottle not even an hour after I fed him a 4 oz bottle because he was "hungry."  He actually needed a new diaper (which I told him that DH/I wanted to check his diaper and try burping DS again before offering more formula), but we didn't discover this until after he threw 8 oz. on MIL because FIL wouldn't just check.  Didn't really want any help after that.  And then he stood there crticizing DH and I while bathing DS (formula was EVERYWHERE decided it was just easier to bathe him immediately haha).  SO glad that was their last night in town.
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  • I am dreading this. We had the original plan to make everyone get a hotel. My dad, his GF, in-laws, grandmother-IL, and mom are all coming down when I go into labor. We've told everyone to get a hotel. MIL then calls up DH and asks if they can stay at our house while we are in the hospital. He of course says yes. Now, I feel bad for making my parents shell out for a hotel and have the added stress of worrying about house guests.

    Everyone is leaving once we get out of the hospital. I've been clear on this all along, thankfully, and DH is backing me up on this. It stresses me out to have guests and I do not want to be stressed out or feel like I should be entertaining while simultaneously figuring out the whole parenting thing.

    My mom keeps saying she is staying for a week at some point, but hasn't talked to me about it yet. I don't need her to be here. I am going to be BF'ing and DH is staying home with us for 6 weeks to help out. 

    I love having visitors, don't get me wrong. I just like to have time to myself too. 

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  • I am due on Feb 9th. My folks live about 20 minutes away, so they will come and see us at the hospital. My Mom has offered to come and stay and help us when or if needed. Since my DH has opted to just use vacation time at random and not take leave I have a feeling I will want her around the days he goes to work.
    My MIL has a flight booked to come 2/16 to 2/24. We have a guest room in the back of our house where she will stay. She already comes and stays with us every two months and is an easy house guest so I am not worried about how comfortable we will be. Plus she is a nurse, so her knowledge will come in handy I am sure.
    Then 3/1 to 3/17 DH step Mom will be coming into town. She will stay with us a while, but also stay with DH brother who recently moved to our area. She too is a nurse and very easy house guest. She comes and sees us once a year for 2 weeks each time, so we are used to her extended visits and it works out well.
    I have no idea how much help I will need or want but feel very blessed to have easy going parents and in laws. Plus our house makes it easy to have our separate space when needed.
    Good luck to all you ladies. I hope you all enjoy those first days at home with LO.
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  • With my first we said absolutely no overnight guests until DH's paternity leave is over (about 2 weeks). My Mom pouted a LOT, but in the end confessed that it worked out for the best. They stayed with us for 2 weeks when LO was about 1 month old and we could all really enjoy the visit. But I did tell them that if they stayed with us they would have to do some work and they did help out a lot with cooking, cleaning and even gave us one quick dinner date out.

    This time around we hope to have them here when it happens, so they can stay with LO - so they are coming around the due date and will stay for 3 weeks. The idea is to make sure everyone in the house gets some sleep and some attention. Don't know quite how it will work out, but hopefully will also go smoothly. Again, they have been warned, if they stay here I am not a hostess! 

    LO born Feb 2010 & Feb 2013
    MMC at 12 weeks March 2012


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  • Both DH and I's parents are divorced and remarried so we have a large group of people that are anticipating visiting/being around when LO is born. We set up a schedule through googledocs and had everyone sign up for a few days that they wanted to visit since some people live out of town and others down the street from us. This way we could set up the dates that we were comfortable with ,since we wont be having visitors for atleast a week after coming home from the hospital. Also it allows us to space everyone out so we can have a few days to recoup between visitors and not have everyone overlap each other because our house isnt big enough for twenty people to be lingering around.

    We did tell everyone that they were welcome to visit at the hospital after i gave birth but they could not be at our house when we are released and would need to make other arrangements for our first week home if they wanted to stay in town. Most of our family members were ok with this and so far it seems realistic. We also listed some hotels that are basically walking distance to our house on the googledocs spread sheet as well.

    Matt&Amber

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  • How you handle it really does depend on your relationship with family. We have no family anywhere close by. My parents and ILs are very good at coming to actually help: cook, clean, grocery shop, play with the older kids, etc. So we love having them come and stay in our guestroom. They do want to hold the baby, but the point of the visit is to make things easier for mommy and baby. I also don't feel the need to entertain, so I don't put any pressure on myself to do so.

    if they came expecting me to do any entertaining, they would be in for a big disappointment.

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    C  7.16.2008 | L  11.12.2010 | A  3.18.2013

     

  • Im trying things a bit of a different way. I am going TO my ILs to have the baby. They live in Ontario and me and DH live in the NWT, so we will go and have the baby there, since they will only get to see him for 2-4 weeks out of the year, while my parents live in the same town as DH and I and can visit whenever they want. This also means I dont get overwhelmed with both of our families pushing on us at the same time right after LO gets here. Ontario is too far for my folks to go out of their way, likewise NWT is toof ar for ILs to come to. Well Played me thinks! lol
  • My husbands military so we dont get to see our parents often and this is the first grandbaby for both sides. His mom is coming the week I am due and my parents are coming sometime after. They are staying at our house so it will be nice to have them help with the dogs and help us while we care for baby. Honestly, I already know I am going to be tired and what not so they know I will probably go to my room and sleep with baby when I feel like it. Im not planning on playing hostess or anything like that but thats how it works for my family. Make yourself at home there's the fridge get what you want lol. Hopefully, it wont be to overwhelming for us.
  • DH and I live in CA and both of our parents in NH.  My due date is 4/4 and My IL's are arriving on the 3rd (one day prior) and staying for two weeks, and plan to stay with us for one week and then stay at Disneyland for the second week.  Then my parents are arriving a week later and staying for with us for just one week. 

    This is our first and I have definitely had some anxiety about this.  I've always been pretty modest/private and so with learning how to breastfeed along with adjusting to a whole new world, I wasn't too excited about the idea of having both or at least one set of the Grandparents styaing with us for up to two weeks. 

    I've just decided to stay postitive about it and remember that having them there will be helpful to us.  I personally have also just put it in my head that I will be vocal about my needs and believe both sets of grandparents will be compassionate to those needs.  Besides that, I've had a lot of advice from people recommending to take advantage of their presence.  They will likely be happy to chip in here and there with cooking & cleaning, running errands, etc... so don't feel bad asking... and let them if they offer. 

    I think the biggest thing is just be honset and try to stay optimistic about it.  :)  I'm sure we'll take it all in stride.  Good luck!

    New Mommy since 4/3/13

     

     

  • For me personally it has been very difficult going through this pregnancy with my mom living so far away from me (I'm in NYC and she is in California). I am more stressed about her not making it here on time for the delivery (she is supposed to coach me alongside my hub). When she is here she'll be staying with us for 3 weeks and I am very happy to have an extra (experienced) set of hands to help with things around the house while I concentrate on the baby as well as someone always on hand in case I have any questions about the baby. 

     

     

     

     

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