March 2013 Moms

XP: DH Vent

I love my DH, I really do. He is an awesome husband and father. He has been incredibly supportive throughout my pregnancy. BUT...there is something that he keeps doing that is driving me crazy!

He has two children from previous relationships, ages 11 and 7. I love my SKs dearly. They started living with us full-time last July (4 days before getting our BFP. Yikes!) Last summer was a stressful time as we transitioned to having two children live with us while I was going through ms and all of the lovely hormones that come with pregnancy. It was a lot to take in at once...knowing that our former "family of 2" was going to be a "family of 5" within a matter of 9 months. Anyways, that's beside the point. We're all doing fine on that front (now).

What is driving me bonkers is my DH's "all knowing" attitude where this LO is concerned. I've always referred to him as the "baby whisperer" as a joke because he is absolutely amazing with babies and toddlers. He has a total knack for them. Of course, most of this comes from his experience with his own children. I, on the other hand, have always been quite nervous around babies. I've always wanted my own though and know that my natural instincts will (hopefully) set in once LO arrives.

Over the years DH has talked about the different things he did as a parent of babies. He was a young parent with not a lot of money. He never used a crib for either of his kids (just playards instead). When his one ex couldn't breastfeed, instead of using formula, they used evaporated milk because that's what his parents used with him. DH is a minimalist. He doesn't think it's necessary to have extra "things". When I wanted a diaper bag that cost between $100 - $120, he didn't understand why I couldn't just get a cheap diaper bag from Walmart because it would "do the trick". Umm...yeah...those cheap diaper bags that are made from cheap material that crack and then need to be replaced, costing more money in the long-run? I eventually found the diaper bag of my dreams at half-price so he couldn't really argue when I purchased it.

I just get frustrated because he is usually so supportive of me and my ideas. He thinks he knows everything that is the right thing to do with the baby because he's been there before. But I've been doing my research for YEARS. I have done a ton of reading and talked to A LOT of moms etc. I respect a lot of what DH says but I also have my own ideas that are based in research and popular opinion. When I mentioned this morning that I want to get a nursing pillow, he asked what I needed one for. He cradled his arms and said that's what arms are for! Grr! I was so annoyed because HE has never nursed. What the heck does he know about that? Yes, he's done a lot of bottle-feeding in the past...but he's also a burly man with strong arms. I hope to exclusively breastfeed. If I want to get a friggen' nursing pillow, I want to get a friggen' nursing pillow! I'm a teacher and make a decent living (also the higher salary earner in our household). I have done a lot to help support my SKs over the years. I've always had expectations for how I wanted to bring a baby into the world and what I wanted for them. I figure that I make a decent living, I should be able to make purchases for items that I think will help make life easier with a baby. I've had to accept the fact that we won't have a nursery etc. because we just don't have the room now that SKs are living with us. That doesn't mean I have to change all of my plans.

So, now that you've come to this point, I thank you! You deserve some gummi worms! Just wondering if anyone has been in the same boat with their DH and, if so, what you've said or done to counter his silly "arguments". I've heard many a mom-to-be complain about their mom's/MIL's/older aunts/bosses etc. giving them unwanted advice. It's easy enough to shirk that off. But what do you do when it's your DH? Tongue Tied Please help!

Happily married to my Snorkelbutt - 07/31/10

BFP #1 09/02/11  M/C 09/12/11 8w6days
BFP #2 07/18/12 Baby S born on his EDD 03/23/13

SS - age 12...SD - age 8...DS - 13 mos.

Re: XP: DH Vent

  • Just buy the dang pillow. Why are you asking permission for a purchase like that?

    Also, I don't care how much research you do, it's always different once the kid is here, you learn flexibility. That being said you need to learn to assert yourself a bit when it comes to your husband.  

  • I side eye the use of evaporated milk instead of formula...wtf. No way, no how would that go down at my house. I use the pediatrician for questions that DH has about health related matters. Buy the damn pillow. I do not ask permission for small purchases, nor for large ones. We discuss it. Like adults. 
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  • image shibby00:
    I side eye the use of evaporated milk instead of formula...wtf. No way, no how would that go down at my house. I use the pediatrician for questions that DH has about health related matters. Buy the damn pillow. I do not ask permission for small purchases, nor for large ones. We discuss it. Like adults. 

    I agree. I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like kind of a douche. I would second using the pediatrician to back you up re: health issues (WTF? evaporated milk?), and being that you're a grown woman who makes her own money - buy what you want (within reason, of course). But to have to ask permission for a diaper bag and Boppy? That's crazy. I have a feeling he's a little more difficult that you're letting on. You need to stand up for yourself. Maybe if he's unwilling to compromise, go to a counselor - you need to nip this behavior in the bud.  

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  • This sounds a little like my dh. We both have kids from a previous relationship. I was shocked by how little my dh actually remembered. We took a birthing class together to hear everything together and I think that helped both of us. I would recommend you take a "baby" class together.

    Plus I agree with pp, when it comes to breast feeding, that is my domain. I buy all the things I need and he doesn't say anything.

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  • This is a more complicated situation than "Just go buy the silly pillow." This is really about communicating to your needs and wants to your husband.

    You should gently remind him - that yes, he may have more experience being around infants- however this is YOUR baby and you are trying to set yourself up for success by having things around you that make you comfortable and that can make your life easier. Plus, just because he has raised his previous children a certain way- does not mean that you will raise this baby in the same fashion. You are this child' mother and you have an equal vote. Sounds like you have taken a few hits for the team and have been a wonderful to him and his children.

    He needs to focus LESS on cutting corners and finding cheap ways 'to do the trick" and MORE on finding ways to make you comfortable and validated.

    Good luck! 

     

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  • I would definitely use the pediatrician to back-up any of your health related concerns.
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  • image mrsmcdonald:

    image shibby00:
    I side eye the use of evaporated milk instead of formula...wtf. No way, no how would that go down at my house. I use the pediatrician for questions that DH has about health related matters. Buy the damn pillow. I do not ask permission for small purchases, nor for large ones. We discuss it. Like adults. 

    I agree. I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like kind of a douche. I would second using the pediatrician to back you up re: health issues (WTF? evaporated milk?), and being that you're a grown woman who makes her own money - buy what you want (within reason, of course). But to have to ask permission for a diaper bag and Boppy? That's crazy. I have a feeling he's a little more difficult that you're letting on. You need to stand up for yourself. Maybe if he's unwilling to compromise, go to a counselor - you need to nip this behavior in the bud.  

    This.  Also, using evaporated milk isn't minimalist, it's moronic.   

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  • image Redmegeles:

    This is a more complicated situation than "Just go buy the silly pillow." This is really about communicating to your needs and wants to your husband.

    You should gently remind him - that yes, he may have more experience being around infants- however this is YOUR baby and you are trying to set yourself up for success by having things around you that make you comfortable and that can make your life easier. Plus, just because he has raised his previous children a certain way- does not mean that you will raise this baby in the same fashion. You are this child' mother and you have an equal vote. Sounds like you have taken a few hits for the team and have been a wonderful to him and his children.

    He needs to focus LESS on cutting corners and finding cheap ways 'to do the trick" and MORE on finding ways to make you comfortable and validated.

    Good luck!  

    All of this! 

    I would be super irritated and simultaneously insecure about my DH/SO being Mr. Know-It-All with experience with infants. Definitely talk to him. He needs to cool it a little, and you need to be able to feel comfortable and confident entering into motherhood. It sounds like he is entirely well-meaning, but you need more of a supporter than a "teacher," if that makes sense.

    Good luck :)   

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  • Side bar from the more important matter that you don't need to explain your boppy purchase to someone who has never breastfed..... BUT what the heck do you need a $100+ diaper bag for?!?!?!?!?! Good Lord - I'm trying to figure out how to pay for diapers on a decent income - let alone spend that much money for a diaper bag.. I've never known of any of my friends having to go replace the "cheap" ones from Walmart because they fell apart - they seem to do the job just fine.. Choose your battles & maybe hubby will be a little more apt to see your side of things when discussing other purchases.
  • Thank you all for your advice. I had a good laugh at a few comments because there is no way in the world that I've been asking for permission to buy those items. I buy what I want and what I need, within reason. My frustration was how to deal with the somewhat continuous advice that he has been giving me. There isn't a question that I'll be getting a nursing pillow. I was just frustrated that DH has to put in his two cents where a lot of those things are concerned...much like other people you all may encounter, as I mentioned in my original post. Since he's my DH, I hear it a lot more often than I might hear advice from a parent/aunt/colleague etc.

    I appreciate what you had to say, Runner1981, about your husband being clueless and you both agreeing on what you need. If DH didn't have this prior experience, I'm sure we would be the same way. DH is a level-headed guy and respects my decisions and opinions about pretty much everything else we deal with in life. But, since he has more expertise in this area, he likes to give his input. And, trust me, I do appreciate it a lot of the time. Like I mentioned, I'm nervous to have a baby. His experience is going to be an invaluable asset in the months and years to come.

    As for the evaporated milk...I was in shock about this as much as those of you who posted your responses to it. Crazy, right??? There is no way in hell that I would ever feed my child evaporated milk. DH knows that and is not suggesting we do it. It's just something that he did with SS 11+ years ago because he was given advice to do so by his mom (who used it with DH for a while in the 70s). Still, it's one of those things he has mentioned along the way that I was like, "No way...no how!" lol

    almach20786 - I understand what you're saying about a $100 diaper bag...to an extent. I personally think that $100 is a reasonable amount to spend on a bag that I will be using every day for a couple of years. I also have friends who have purchased generic bags from Walmart and have had horrible luck with them. I don't care for the look of most of the bags there (Winnie the Pooh etc. are just not my thing) and really, the bag I bought cost a whopping $10 more than the bags I've seen at Walmart because I got it for 1/2 price. I feel the same way you do about people who spend upwards of $200 to $300 for designer bags. I don't see the point. But that's not my money they're spending so I don't really care.

    Redmegeles - Thank you for everything you said. Your words were very supportive and comforting. You had some good points! :)


     

    Happily married to my Snorkelbutt - 07/31/10

    BFP #1 09/02/11  M/C 09/12/11 8w6days
    BFP #2 07/18/12 Baby S born on his EDD 03/23/13

    SS - age 12...SD - age 8...DS - 13 mos.
  • Maybe a different approach could help. Don't act like your way is better. His kids survived, so he knows you CAN do it that way. But you don't have to. Explain to him that you understand he did the best he could at the time and you respect and are impressed by his resourcefulness. Make him feel good about his previous experience. But then mention that this is a different time in your lives and that you can afford to do it differently. It doesn't make the other way wrong, but it offers better, easier solutions to the issues that he really struggled with with his first kids. I'm sure if he could have done it the first time he would have. He probably feels guilty that he couldn't so he is trying to convince you that the way he did it before is okay. He wants approval. It will make him feel good to know that you believe in his abilities as a parent. This will make you more likely to have him agree with those extra purchases!
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  • image almachs0786:
    Side bar from the more important matter that you don't need to explain your boppy purchase to someone who has never breastfed..... BUT what the heck do you need a $100+ diaper bag for?!?!?!?!?! Good Lord - I'm trying to figure out how to pay for diapers on a decent income - let alone spend that much money for a diaper bag.. I've never known of any of my friends having to go replace the "cheap" ones from Walmart because they fell apart - they seem to do the job just fine.. Choose your battles & maybe hubby will be a little more apt to see your side of things when discussing other purchases.

    I was thinking the same thing - I've owned, and know plenty of friends who have owned, Walmart diaper bags - they work fine. My first one was the cheapest bag I could find and it lasted for over a year and was still in good shape when I took it to a consignment store. I don't know about others, but I've never used a large diaper bag for longer than a year - we downsized (usually just using my purse) for a few essentials after the first birthday.

    We are much better off financially now, so I splurged and bought a Vera Bradley bag (clearance) for this baby, since it's our last one and we got rid of everything, but I would've been fine with another Walmart or an Amazon purchase. I have friends swooning over that Ju Ju Be brand (I think is the name), but I just don't see it. 

     

    To the OP - I agree with other PPs, sit down and have a calm discussion about expectations and call it a day.

    DS1 - 9; DS2 - 6; Angel - May 10, 2011; Baby Girl - Due May 19, 2013
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