Loss

Sister Lost Baby to StillBirth @ 27 weeks, Im 6 weeks Behind her

Hello My Older Sister Just had her Angel Baby on 1/24/13, stillborn. I am 21 weeks pregnant, we were excited about being pregnant together I was planing her baby shower with my mom we have sent invites everything. I was also planning my baby shower at the same time for financial purposes starting early, she said she wanted to be completely involve in my baby shower. How do I go about this do I continue to plan my shower and keep her involved or do I drop hints about the shower and let her decide if she would like to be involved or do I just not tell her anything?? I dont know how to go about this..... PLEASE HELP!!!!!!!! 

Re: Sister Lost Baby to StillBirth @ 27 weeks, Im 6 weeks Behind her

  • I will recommend not to discuss any baby showers with her!
  • You still have plenty of time to plan for your shower, so I'd push it off for 2 or 3 months. Your sister will still be able to be happy for you, but it's also going to be very painful for her. After a little time has past, I'd ask her honestly if she still wants to be involved, and let her know that you completely understand if it will be too difficult. I'd wait at least a month to ask her. She's going to need time for the loss to be less raw before this becomes a remotely approachable subject. Don't just leave her out or keep it a secret, but be understanding if it is too much for her, even to attend. Since you were planning on having the shower together, it will be full of "how it should have been" moments for her. Pushing the shower back a few months past her original due date if you can could help with that; creating a separation from your shower and the shower you should have had together.
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  • I was invited to 3 baby showers after we lost our DD and I went to one only because she was pregnant mostly my whole pregnancy and I was close to her and it was way to soon. I cried the whole time and really didn't make anyone feel happy there. After they all saw me they were sad. Honestly showers are happy times and having to go to a shower after losing a baby is straight torture for the mom that lost her baby. I would just not really mention it to your sister she is dealing with something that I hope you never ever have to deal with. I put on a happy face when I went but left early and cried the whole ride home and had to take a xanax when I came home due to a panic attack I had in the car on the way home. If your sister has any interest let her come to you about it. it is so hard to be the person who lost a baby and having to be different to others who just don't get it (no offense).

    Heather

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  • I delivered stillborn on the 23rd and nothing has been more upsetting to me than pregnant women-not that I'm not happy for them it's just so hard seeing people going through what I just went through knowing that they probably will have the result I wanted so badly (I would never wish anything else on anyone). It's like it says somewhere on a support site I read...we didn't just lose a baby we lost their birthdays, their first love, our grandchildren, everything...it's a HUGE loss. I would say wait as long as possible and I wouldn't ask her to help plan at all, really but that's up to you. All I can say is that she'll need time-I know I do. I have hidden all of my pregnant friends on facebook-once again, not because I'm not happy for them but because it's too hard.
    Pregnant after 1 miscarriage and 1 late loss. Due July 20, 2013. I am on daily Lovenox injections after finding out I have MTHFR deficiency and Homocystinuria. I hope with this treatment we will bring home a baby this time. I believe in you, Nugget.
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  • I would give my sister all the love she needs right now, and to not bring up the baby shower. When you do have the shower, I would do something in memory of her Angel Baby, but subtle and not for everyone to see. Show her that you aren't forgetting her child, and that your love for her is endless. There will still be fun at your shower, and don't let the loss ruin your happiness for YOUR child, just be extra sensitive to your sisters broken heart.

    BTW... congrats on your baby! It is truly a wonderful time, and it is the best thing in the world (for me atleast).
  • Definitely don't ask about your shower or drop hints about your shower. I don't mean to sound awful, and I'm sorry if this sounds harsh... but it's hard for me to believe that your sister just delivered her angel baby 5 days ago and your biggest concern right now is how to handle your own baby shower??  When the time does come for your shower... and I would push it back myself- don't ask her to be involved.  If she wants to be she can ask.  Honestly, don't be surprised if she doesn't come, I had to miss my SIL's shower and I was even pregnant again with my rainbow.  You should offer her the love she needs while giving her distance if she wants it, pregnant women are EXTREMELY difficult to be around after you've lost a child, so if she doesn't want to be around you don't take it personally.

    Do not talk about your pregnancy with her, she will ask if she wants to know.  If she doesn't ask it doesn't mean she doesn't love you and your baby, she just can't do it.. .but she will, when she's ready.

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  • I echo what PP have said.  I wouldn't say anything to her about it.  Her loss is still so so recent and raw...it is going to be hard for her to even think about you being pregnant too (even though she is still happy for you).  My SIL is pregnant and due within a month of my EDD and I could have never planned a shower for her and prob. would not have gone...I am still trying to decide if i can be there for the birth.   It's just a really, really hard thing when you have suffered such a shocking loss...

    I would let her approach you about the shower...and that might mean that she doesn't.

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  • My SIL was 7 months pregnant when my son passed away due to an accident during birth. DH's family hid the baby shower from me which upset me more. They ended up telling me about at the last minute and expecting me to go. I stopped by but left when they opened presents. She had her baby a month ago and I wen to the hospital when th baby was born. There was a lot of pressure put on me o hold the baby. I talked to one woman who was in a similar situation to mine. She said the first time she held the baby her SIL gave her privacy so he old hold the baby and feel all the emotions. I would have appreciated that. The week after my niece was born was really hard for me and still some days I can't go see her. Her milestones will be tough because they will remind me of my baby. Just please be honest and considerate. Text and call your sister as much as you can even if she doesn't respond. Don't forget how much she is hurting. 

      

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  • Please don't put any pressure (intentional or not) on your sister to be involved in your baby shower.  I'm over a year out from my loss and pregnant with my rainbow and I still can't attend baby showers.  Her loss is still so fresh, she needs a LOT of time and space to grieve.  Remember, this isn't just any loss.  This is the loss of her CHILD, the child she likely would have done anything to save and couldn't.  Those first few months feel impossible.  Simple things, like a trip to the grocery store , feel insurmountable, let alone going to a party to celebrate someone else's baby when you're still grieving the loss of yours.  If she wants to be involved in your shower, she'll ask.  But in all honesty, please don't be surprised or offended if she doesn't. 
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  • I agree with lrichmond completely. Please don't push your shower on her. In fact, my suggestion is to not even bring it up to her. This is a really difficult time, and even the sight of pregnant women who are strangers can be an excruciating reminder, let alone a close family member. Please let your sister know we're here if she needs support. Prayers to your sister and her family.

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  • I gotta agree w Petunia...it seems kind of selfish that your biggest concern is YOUR baby shower. She just buried a child. No, she is not going to help w your shower let alone attend it.

    Losing a baby is so, so awful. Show some respect for her, her child and her grief.
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