Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months

WARNING: Really, really dumb question to follow.

DH and I think our family will be complete with two kids. In the past, we've thrown around possibly having three or four. At this time, financially and logistically, two seems to be the "right" number. The plan is for DH to get fixed after I have the next one (probably next year) while I am also out of commission. 

HOWEVER, I am worried that I will change my mind later and wish we had three! I know a vasectomy is always reversible, but we likely wouldn't opt for the expense.

My question is... is there a sort of family counselor that would help us delve deeper into this after our next baby is born so that we look at it from all sides and make the best decision for our family?

I'd hate to make the decision and then at some point, wish I hadn't because I didn't think about it enough. Sorry for the idiocy, I am really curious.

 


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Re: WARNING: Really, really dumb question to follow.

  • Not a dumb question. I would think a marriage counselor would be able to help here. Just another suggestion, have you thought about an IUD? We are unsure about if we are done too and I like that my IUD gives me time to see if anything changes before we do anything permanent. Good luck with your decision!
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  • image Jelliebean1982:
    Not a dumb question. I would think a marriage counselor would be able to help here. Just another suggestion, have you thought about an IUD? We are unsure about if we are done too and I like that my IUD gives me time to see if anything changes before we do anything permanent. Good luck with your decision!

    Agree. I don't think it's a dumb question at all. If I wasn't sure, I definitely wouldn't go for a permanent method of sterilization. I'd wait until the 2nd baby is here and then talk about it a few months after that, no reason to rush. DD2 is 17 months and we are leaning towards the third but would not do anything permanent for at least 5 years.  


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  • I agree with the IUD option instead of something so permanent especially if you think there might be any chance at all of changing your mind.
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  • I agree with PP's about a family/marriage therapist and an IUD. Both good things to look into. 

    But I don't really know what to tell you out side of that. This is a decision that you and DH are going to have to sit down and really talk about. Go over finances and living situation. Be honest with yourself and him. GL! 

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  • I personally wouldn't spend the money to talk with a counselor, I think the decision for another child can change over time and based on life/financial situations.   

    I was positive when I was pg with DD2 that we were done.  I did all the research to get the Essure procedure done and had it all planned with my OB, then at my 6 wk pp appointment I couldn't do it.  I decided on an IUD and it was the right decision for now.  I have 10 years, with my Paraguard, to make my decision to be done or not.  GL with your choice.

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  • Not sure about who other than a marriage counselor you could speak with but DH and I have decided to go for an IUD for me and when that comes out he'll get his tubes tied. That way IF we do decided we want a third then it's easier to just remove the IUD than reverse his operation.
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  • I agree with everyone else, don't do anything permanent if you feel there is even the smallest chance you'll change your mind. We're on the fence about having #3 and plan to make the decision in the next 6 months or so, but even at that point we won't do anything permanent for a few years until we are completely, 100% positive we're done.

    As far as someone to talk to, I don't know aside from a marriage or family counselor, but I agree with the PP who said as your family/financial situation changes over time you'll have a better picture of what is right for your family. I would have the two you KNOW you want, and then give yourself some time to see how things are going before deciding on having any more. 

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  • why don't you put in a 10 yr non hormonal IUD and take time to think about it

     

  • Thanks so much for all of the great advice, ladies! When it comes to the IUD, before I got one this time (Paragard) I thought it would be a perfect solution for this issue... But then I got it, and had the terrible periods that can sometimes come along with Paragard. So bad that I can barely leave the house for 7 days because the flow is so heavy.

    We will play it by ear and see what we think a while after the next LO is born. Wish it was something simple like BCP, but I BF for the first year and can't take that either! Thanks again for the  advice :)


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  • I'm glad you asked this, DH and I have been having the same conversation.  He wants 2, and I want 3.  I just don't feel like I'm ready for the next one to be the last one! 
  • I wanted to have 3 kids, and start our family after 8 years of marriage. I was sure we'd have to adopt so I wanted to save a lot of money. But things happened and I got pregnant after only 3 years of marriage and through some miracle she made it full term. I was very sick the whole pregnancy and it was a very scary thing, and we made the decision for DH to have a vasectomy because I can't take birth control pills, and because of health and financial reasons we thought we should just be a one and done family.

    But now DD will be 2 in a few months... and I miss having a sweet squishy little newborn. And I miss breastfeeding and holding a swaddled baby, and carrying around a sleepy little bundle in my Moby wrap. And now that I see how social DD is and how well behaved she is when she plays with other children, I would love for her to have a sibling. So I regret it now. 

    DH doesn't regret it, and he cites the financial aspect for the reason why we should not have another... but it breaks my heart. We have talked about saving the money to adopt when DD is much, much older, but have not come to a decision. 

     

     

    Definitely speak with a family counselor who will help you look at this choice from different sides with an objective point of view. Finances, health, and the feeling of 'completeness' are not the only things to consider in such a big decision. Many insurance plans will cover the fees for a certain number of sessions. Your regular doctor or even your GYNO/OB can probably recommend one for you that takes your insurance. If you or your spouse is in the military there are some counselors who specialize in working with military families.

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  • BTW a marriage counselor and a family counselor are two different things. If you are worried about the effect it might have on your marriage, then see a marriage counselor. If you are worried about the effects it could have on your family as a whole, then see a family counselor. A family counselor will speak with you and your husband and possibly your child(ren) or any other family members you think may be important to include in the decision. Many marriage counselors also do family counseling, and many behavioral psychologists/therapists do family counseling as well. Ask your doctor for a referral, or ask your insurance company for a list of all counselors/therapists who are covered under your insurance plan. Counseling is often WAY less expensive than regular therapy so don't let the cost scare you away if you think it could really help. 

    Some people are not candidates for hormonal birth control methods or IUD. I am not for several reasons.

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  • As everyone else has said, not a dumb question. Your best bet is to talk with your DH and doctor. This is something that involves all of you. There are less invasive things that you can do to prevent pregnancy. IUD is one. You can also use other forms as well. Your doctor can help you decide what you prefer.
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  • image bridein08:

    We will play it by ear and see what we think a while after the next LO is born. Wish it was something simple like BCP, but I BF for the first year and can't take that either! Thanks again for the  advice :)

    If you're fine with taking a pill every day, the mini pill has worked out just fine for me while BFing. I would hold off on the vasectomy if you're having any reservations at all.  

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  • You could sit down and talk it through with a counselor, but that will only help you so much.  Yes, logically it could make sense to only have two.  But, that doesn't guarantee your hearts won't change in a few years.  A counselor can't predict how your financial situation may change either.  I wouldn't do any permanent prevention until you are absolutely sure that you are done.
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    Married 12/8/07 | Sleeve Gastrectomy 10/19/09
    BFP#1 DD born 3/9/11 | BFP#4 DD born 9/20/13
    BFP#2 6/21/12, M/C at 5w2d | BFP#3 11/27/12, M/C at 6w6d
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