3rd Trimester

Weird gift situation--thoughts?

I'll try to be brief (not my strong suit)--

BG:  My mom died just before DD#1 was born.  My dad started dating (too) quickly and has been with the same woman now since New Years '11.  They are not engaged and do not live together.  

Now:  This woman is nice enough and if she makes my dad happy I'm all for it, since I feel he's been given the short stick in life when he's almost at the point of retiring and getting to enjoy life with the love of his life (my mom) and she goes and gets leukemia and dies instead.  So there's that.

Anyway, this lady wasn't around when I was PG with DD#1 (my mom was) and now she has extremely generously offered to buy us a stroller (double) for this one.  We hemmed and hawed and kind of insinuated we had it covered (kind of did but it's not panning out) and hoped that it'd be that.

She instead (extremely kindly) came back with an offer to get us whatever else we might need.

So the rub isn't that we don't need anything (we don't need much though) but I feel extremely awkward accepting anything (large) from her.  (A tiny gift for my DD at her birthday or Christmas is fine, BTW, but there's a huge dif between a cute toy that cost $20 or less and a $200+ stroller).  

And that's because my dad goes back n forth between acting like she's already a member of the family and insinuating he's going to end it with her.  If he did that I'd feel super weird with an expensive gift from her.  KWIM?

I explained it to him (including his wishy-washiness about his attitude about her--which, to my knowledge, he doesn't convey to her, but to me,) and I said that it'd be different if they were married or even engaged, and he joked "Oh so now you're on her side!"  (I'm taking that to mean she's been pressuring him to get married.  Not the first time I am aware that she's been not so subtly hinting to him that she wants that, now.)

Am I being weird or overanalyzing this?  At this point, we *do* need a new stroller, and possibly a new car seat if the one my sis is giving to us isn't compatible with the new stroller.  And potentially a car seat base (travel system dealio).  Is it best to just decline to state any particular need and assume that if she wants to get us something, she'll go less expensive (clothing or something cute and small) or give us a gift card (again, hopefully not a high value one) to show her support, or is that being rude by not responding?  Or would you just tell her the truth about the needs and let her buy what she will?  

(I'm kind of hoping she doesn't get us anything at all.) 

 

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Re: Weird gift situation--thoughts?

  • my opinion: let her buy you the damn stroller and call it a day Smile
    TTC since May 2012; BFP July 31st, 2012; EDD April 13th, 2013 BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker Anniversary
  • I would tell her the truth about the whole situation - that you appreciate her generosity and although you may need a new stroller, you are not comfortable accepting such a large gift.

    If she still gets it and things go awry between her and your father, I doubt she will expect the gift to be returned to her. Although a $200 stroller is very, very generous, it might not be as big of a deal to her as it is to you.

  • I say let her get you the stroller. 
  • She obviously wants to get you the stroller. Who knows, it could make her feel important and like a part of the family?

     

  • image RussianMommy:
    my opinion: let her buy you the damn stroller and call it a day Smile

    I understand how you feel because I would feel the same way but in the end I agree with RussianMommy.  Just let her buy it if she wants to that badly.  No skin off your back.


  • image RussianMommy:
    my opinion: let her buy you the damn stroller and call it a day Smile

    Well said. However, I would also be hemming and hawing over the situation too. It's easier for an outsider to say "accept the gift."

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  • I don't think it's an issue of me having to return it if they broke up; it's more of feeling like, I wouldn't accept this gift from a casual acquaintance, so it's kind of like she's presuming a "grandma" role that I'm not really comfortable with if my dad isn't "making" her honorary grandma by marrying her.  I hear what you're saying about "letting her feel like part of the family" but that's kind of the rub--she's *not* family.  Can't say I want her as part of the family.  It's my dad's call to "promote" her to family, y'know?  

    This probably makes even less sense now LOL. 

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  • I think it would be rude to not respond at all. She's trying to fit into your family. Regardless of the way your father talks about her to you, they are dating and have been for sometime. It's not like she's the flavor of the month and wants to drop $200 on your kid. And her buying you a present doesn't obligate you to her if your dad breaks up with her.

    Some people enjoy buying presents for others. I think you could kindly state that $200 is too much and that you really appreciate the thought. But let her get you what she wants to get you. 

    FWIW, DH grandma was set on getting us a "large ticket item" - either a crib, car seat or stroller. We have already gotten a crib and car seat and are planning on a smaller stoller - only $90. She thought that was too cheap and offered to buy a different one! I just laughed (nicely) and said that's not necessary but thank you so much.

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  • image Spacebunny19:

    I don't think it's an issue of me having to return it if they broke up; it's more of feeling like, I wouldn't accept this gift from a casual acquaintance, so it's kind of like she's presuming a "grandma" role that I'm not really comfortable with if my dad isn't "making" her honorary grandma by marrying her.  I hear what you're saying about "letting her feel like part of the family" but that's kind of the rub--she's *not* family.  Can't say I want her as part of the family.  It's my dad's call to "promote" her to family, y'know?  

    This probably makes even less sense now LOL. 

    making someone part of the family is a joint effort. They've been together for 2 years. Maybe he has no interest in marrying her, but still wants to be with her. But regardless, it's a gift for the baby....don't over think it. 

    TTC since May 2012; BFP July 31st, 2012; EDD April 13th, 2013 BabyFruit Ticker BabyFetus Ticker Anniversary
  • You are over thinking. She wants to get a stroller, you need a stroller. Everybody wins.

  • image RussianMommy:
    image Spacebunny19:

    I don't think it's an issue of me having to return it if they broke up; it's more of feeling like, I wouldn't accept this gift from a casual acquaintance, so it's kind of like she's presuming a "grandma" role that I'm not really comfortable with if my dad isn't "making" her honorary grandma by marrying her.  I hear what you're saying about "letting her feel like part of the family" but that's kind of the rub--she's *not* family.  Can't say I want her as part of the family.  It's my dad's call to "promote" her to family, y'know?  

    This probably makes even less sense now LOL. 

    making someone part of the family is a joint effort. They've been together for 2 years. Maybe he has no interest in marrying her, but still wants to be with her. But regardless, it's a gift for the baby....don't over think it. 

    This. I've bought friends pretty generous gifts in the past because a.) I had the financial means to do so and b.) I genuinely wanted to do it. Then to me $200 wouldn't have been a big deal...fast forward a few years and now $200 seems like a lot. My point is she just may just genuinely want to do something nice with no strings attached and simply has the means to do it, which means it may seem like not such a big deal to her. Anyhow, I'd just let her get what she wants to get, show appreciation, and enjoy.  

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  • Some people just really like to buy things for people -- it sounds like "giving gifts" is her love language, in which case it is more about her making herself feel good and not her making YOU feel good. ;-)

    I would accept it too.  Let her do her thang.
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  • image RussianMommy:
    my opinion: let her buy you the damn stroller and call it a day Smile

    I agree. If she wants to spend a lot of money, let her. It doesn't mean you owe her anything more than a thank you.

  • image Spacebunny19:

    I don't think it's an issue of me having to return it if they broke up; it's more of feeling like, I wouldn't accept this gift from a casual acquaintance, so it's kind of like she's presuming a "grandma" role that I'm not really comfortable with if my dad isn't "making" her honorary grandma by marrying her.  I hear what you're saying about "letting her feel like part of the family" but that's kind of the rub--she's *not* family.  Can't say I want her as part of the family.  It's my dad's call to "promote" her to family, y'know?  

    This probably makes even less sense now LOL. 

    No offense to your father, as I'm sure that he has had his fair share of heartache and loss during your mother's leukemia and death BUT.... if he really doesn't want to be with this woman, or insinuates to you that he's going to end it with her, then he just needs to do it and stop making it awkward. I personally think it's slightly inappropriate and immature of him to lead her on, as she obviously wants to move forward with their relationship. In a way, I feel badly for her. 

    Simply based on the vibes you get from your dad, I'd be honest in telling her that you don't feel comfortable accepting such a large gift, thank her for her generosity in even mentioning it and suggest something else that you "need" that is within a comfortable price range for you. 

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  • Meh, they've been dating for over a year.  If it was only a month or two, I could understand your hesitation, but I'd just accept it.  It's not your call to figure out the status of their relationship. 

    And ditto PP that it might not be a lot of money to her. 

    BFP(1) DD1 born 4.17.10 @ 33w5d due to pPROM
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  • If you received an expensive baby gift from a coworker that you weren't really close with would you demand that they take it back? I say if she is willing to go out of her way for you, it would be rude to turn her down because you don't want her to be your childs grandma. It seems like she might just want to be involved. I wouldn't read into it too much.

    My step moms parents bought us a travel system for our shower and I see them maybe once a year. They just wanted to do something nice and it would definitely be a slap in the face to request that they take it back or get us something cheaper.
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  • Let her buy you the stroller, she obviously wants to.
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