February 2013 Moms

So fed up with S/O

So it's now getting super close to my due date, and as previously posted, I'm seriously not doing good around people. This is extremely unfortunate for me considering the fact that thats exactly how my SO wants to spend EVERY NIGHT.

Every weekend from Friday to Sunday the whole world and their moms decides to hang out at our house and get wasted. Like ridiculously wasted, until three in the morning, and singing Karaoke. WTF? I was super ok with this BEFORE I got prego, but I'm 8 mo in now and the last thing I need is to feel uncomfortable in my own home because some drunkie decides to molest my belly or start rambling on about things I don't particularly care to hear about atm. Not to mention the fact that SO has an extremely short temper to begin with, and has this insane habit of getting all snappy with me when he's had a couple too many drinks. And he can't admit it, or is just to stupid to realize it apparently.

I apologize for my bluntness too, I know I sound whiny, but I was up till three in the AM if not 4 last night crying my eyes out because around twelve, I was having cramps and looking miserable. Apparently he decided this was a good reason to be real short with me. So when I finally got fed up and asked him if he was going to be a sheet head all night to me, he went off on me in front of everyone, and then completely ignored me the rest of the night as I went in and out of the house crying. Of course around four after yelling at me again, he apologized and said it was all his fault etc. But at this point, how can I beleive him or even care if thats the case?

 

I love him so much, and he did get a job yesterday, so I understand that he wanted to celebrate. I also recognize that during the day he's like the best person to be around. He loves me and listens (lately anyway) and I know he's making an effort. But I seriously cant deal with Dr.Drunkie and Mr.Hyde anymore  Sad

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Re: So fed up with S/O

  • I don't mean this to sound snarky, but I would be more than a little concerned about someone who loses his temper after having a few drinks. Especially someone losing their temper around a pregnant woman. Is there a counselor you can talk to about how to get him to recognize that he may have a drinking problem and seek out help? If he's not willing to seek help, you may want to reconsider the relationship, as it doesn't sound like an ideal environment to be raising a child. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do you have any friends/family you can stay with to get out of that situation?

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  • I'm with Moosegal on this one. This doesn't really sound like an environment that's going to work or be particularly safe for a baby. I think you need to have a serious discussion with him about this, set some expectations, and see if he can learn to control the temper and act like an adult, not a frat boy. If he's not willing or able to do what he needs to to make you and your future baby comfortable and safe, then you need to find somewhere else to go.

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  • I have tons of family. In fact I have so much family that no one has room for me :/ And even the ones that did don't have room for a baby too.

    I'm going to suggest something along the lines of counseling today, but I know him enough to know that he cant and wont talk about anything emotion related unless he's drunk to begin with. 

     I don't know. He usually doesn't pull this on the weekdays. And he knows I don't want it around the baby and between me and his mother, whom we live with and generally supports me, I doubt there will be much partying once the LO gets here. At least not at the house. So I don't really want or feel the need to pick up everything move completely right now. But I'm so worried that he just wont get it, and will be gone all the time, or feel tied down and resent me for it.

    I mean he's 27 for god sakes. Shouldn't he be about done with this B/S anyway? I'm only 20 and I'm dropping my entire lifestyle to take care of Milos, so I just dont see why we cant keep the house parties down to one a week. 

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  • This doesn't sound like an ideal situation all around...if he acts like this now, he will most likely continue this behavior after your LO is born, which is even more inappropriate than it is now.  Have you discussed your need for privacy, rest, and positive people in your life right now while he is sober?  How does he respond?  Your situation sounds concerning to me.

     


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  • Okay, I'm going to be really straightforward with you.  Please don't take this as if I'm trying to flame you.

    Stop making excuses for him.  Yes, you may love him but there is no excuse for him disregarding your feelings.  There is absolutely no excuse for him calling you out in front of everyone.  That is a private matter you two need to discuss.  It sounds like he's having a hard time adjusting to the fact that his life is going to change drastically.  If you don't take care of this right now and put your foot down, it's only going to get worse.  Your baby is protected in your belly right now, but what about once he/she is born?  Do you want wasted people around?  That's not responsible on either of your ends.

    I know you're trying to let it go because you don't want tension as your due date approaches, but you cannot let someone tell you how something is going to be.  Is he going to make all the parenting decisions and just tell you how it's going to be, also?  Judging by his actions now, I wouldn't trust those decisions.  You two live together, you two make decisions together.  If his friends can't respect your wishes, tell them to GTFO yourself.  Honestly, if I were you I would've gone ape sh!t by now and screamed at everyone to leave.  Let him get mad at you.  If he has that little respect for you anyway, nothing you say to diffuse the situation will be helpful.  He is controlling you.  Tell him what you will and will not tolerate, ask him to compromise with you and ask before he invites people over and/or limit the frequency of these late nights.  You need to have some self-respect and stand up for yourself.

    He may apologize to you, but he keeps doing what he wants!  Can't you see that he's only apologizing to keep you from getting mad while he still acts selfishly?  I would record how he acts when he drinks.  Just save it on your phone and when you two are both calm, bring it up and tell him you have concerns regarding his behavior while drinking.  If he gets defensive, show him.  Tell him you're concerned and that you would like to have the best, most productive house to bring your LO in.  Not only do you need to stand up for yourself, you need to stand up for your unborn baby.  Good luck!

    DD: 6/30/09. Mild pre-e DS: 9/5/10. Normal pregnancy Diagnosed 6/4/12 with dermatomyositis. Currently on Prednisone and IVIG therapy. 9/11/12: Normal a/s for DS2. No side effects from my medication, yay! DS2: 1/28/13. Thankful for healthy children! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image
  • I mean I really wanna just pick up and leave when these things happen. But this pregnancy wasn't exactly planned, so I didn't really have a back up plan on where to turn in such a situation as this. Especially when it comes to supporting the baby when he's here. I don't even know where Id put that huge crib or how I would get it out of the room. So I feel extremely stuck at this point. And I'm just going to put it out there since the suggestions been made more than once, theres just no way adoptions an option for me. I cant do it.

    And I know it's naiive, but it doesn't make it easy when I just want so badly to be a family... I know he'd be a great dad, It's just my gut instinct. Especially during the week when he's sober and reasonable. But he's just so not as ready as me to drop his no strings attached life for a child.I'm even pretty sure that I'll end up alone in this. I also know he'll be there for the LO, but I'm just so angry and hurt that he wont make the effort to really be there for and understand me to.

     

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  • image MrsW0615:

    Okay, I'm going to be really straightforward with you.  Please don't take this as if I'm trying to flame you.

    Stop making excuses for him.  Yes, you may love him but there is no excuse for him disregarding your feelings.  There is absolutely no excuse for him calling you out in front of everyone.  That is a private matter you two need to discuss.  It sounds like he's having a hard time adjusting to the fact that his life is going to change drastically.  If you don't take care of this right now and put your foot down, it's only going to get worse.  Your baby is protected in your belly right now, but what about once he/she is born?  Do you want wasted people around?  That's not responsible on either of your ends.

    I know you're trying to let it go because you don't want tension as your due date approaches, but you cannot let someone tell you how something is going to be.  Is he going to make all the parenting decisions and just tell you how it's going to be, also?  Judging by his actions now, I wouldn't trust those decisions.  You two live together, you two make decisions together.  If his friends can't respect your wishes, tell them to GTFO yourself.  Honestly, if I were you I would've gone ape sh!t by now and screamed at everyone to leave.  Let him get mad at you.  If he has that little respect for you anyway, nothing you say to diffuse the situation will be helpful.  He is controlling you.  Tell him what you will and will not tolerate, ask him to compromise with you and ask before he invites people over and/or limit the frequency of these late nights.  You need to have some self-respect and stand up for yourself.

    He may apologize to you, but he keeps doing what he wants!  Can't you see that he's only apologizing to keep you from getting mad while he still acts selfishly?  I would record how he acts when he drinks.  Just save it on your phone and when you two are both calm, bring it up and tell him you have concerns regarding his behavior while drinking.  If he gets defensive, show him.  Tell him you're concerned and that you would like to have the best, most productive house to bring your LO in.  Not only do you need to stand up for yourself, you need to stand up for your unborn baby.  Good luck!

     

    The worst part is I know your right. I feel like such a dumb ass, because I haven't been able to do this successfully as it is. I really need to, I just don't even know how to anymore. I feel like I've been putting up with this for three years too long as it is, and there is no excuse, and I'm just a stupid girl who's messing up her own life, and now I'm messing up my sons life too, but I don't want to give this LO up, and I need to do something NOW that will allow me to take care of him in a safe, loving place. I used to think I was already there, maybe I was just too simple minded to see it.... But where do I go now that I'm this far in, my job fired me, my family can't really help, and his family will but I hardly see his mom kicking him out seeing as she hasn't yet. Arg. I wanna follow your advice, but where do I even start?

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  • image Myzticsunshine:

    I mean I really wanna just pick up and leave when these things happen. But this pregnancy wasn't exactly planned, so I didn't really have a back up plan on where to turn in such a situation as this. Especially when it comes to supporting the baby when he's here. I don't even know where Id put that huge crib or how I would get it out of the room. So I feel extremely stuck at this point. And I'm just going to put it out there since the suggestions been made more than once, theres just no way adoptions an option for me. I cant do it.

    And I know it's naiive, but it doesn't make it easy when I just want so badly to be a family... I know he'd be a great dad, It's just my gut instinct. Especially during the week when he's sober and reasonable. But he's just so not as ready as me to drop his no strings attached life for a child.I'm even pretty sure that I'll end up alone in this. I also know he'll be there for the LO, but I'm just so angry and hurt that he wont make the effort to really be there for and understand me to.

     

    Do not let him use an unplanned pregnancy as leverage.  He knows you don't have a backup plan.  Make one.  There's all types of assistance you can get on to help you out.  What family members can you lean on until you get back on your feet?  Take all the help you can get to get you and your baby out of this situation.  Not knowing how to move a crib out of a room is really the least of your concerns.  No more excuses.

     You may want to be a family, but it seems that you are idealizing what this family is going to be like.  Everyone wants to be a family with their partners.  Sometimes it doesn't work that way, and if he's not ready to grow up, you can't make him.  Move on.  Hopefully he will grow up one day and you two can try again.  Also, you cannot simply be a "good dad" Monday through Friday.  Honestly, I wouldn't even trust him around my baby until he recognizes that he has problems and takes necessary action to fix them.

    DD: 6/30/09. Mild pre-e DS: 9/5/10. Normal pregnancy Diagnosed 6/4/12 with dermatomyositis. Currently on Prednisone and IVIG therapy. 9/11/12: Normal a/s for DS2. No side effects from my medication, yay! DS2: 1/28/13. Thankful for healthy children! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker image
  • image Myzticsunshine:
    image MrsW0615:

    The worst part is I know your right. I feel like such a dumb ass, because I haven't been able to do this successfully as it is. I really need to, I just don't even know how to anymore. I feel like I've been putting up with this for three years too long as it is, and there is no excuse, and I'm just a stupid girl who's messing up her own life, and now I'm messing up my sons life too, but I don't want to give this LO up, and I need to do something NOW that will allow me to take care of him in a safe, loving place. I used to think I was already there, maybe I was just too simple minded to see it.... But where do I go now that I'm this far in, my job fired me, my family can't really help, and his family will but I hardly see his mom kicking him out seeing as she hasn't yet. Arg. I wanna follow your advice, but where do I even start?

    First of all, you're not a dumbass.  It's hard to know where to turn. I would suggest starting with a local pregnany center. Care Net is a great organization that provides parenting support, counseling, maternal assistance (including diapers, strollers, cribs, etc.), job and housing assistance,

    You can find a Care Net center near you here: http://www.optionline.org/get-help

    You don't have to settle with this situation - it's not healthy for you or your baby.  There are lots of people who want to help and will help you with no questions asked, and it's never a bad thing to ask for support.  My thoughts and prayers are with you!

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  • I wouldn't completely give up on your SO right now.  I think you need to sit down with him and have a serious talk about what is bothering you and explain your reasoning.  If after you calmly and respectfully plead your case he still acts like an immature jerk, you need to find a safe place for your baby UNTIL he decides to get his act together.

    You need rest right now.  This isn't you being a baby - this is you being a good mother.  It is for your health and the health of your unborn child.  If he doesn't get that right now, I fear that he won't understand it once the baby is here either.

    But like I said, don't give up on him.  Sometimes it takes the men a little longer to wrap their head around this new reality.  Perhaps once he sees the baby it will all fall into place for him and he will want to change.  I will be praying for you.

        
  • IMHO I agree 100% with everything MrsWO615 says. You MUST NOT make excuses for anyone- your partner, friends, family, no one! People are autonomous and make their own decisions, which have consequences. 

    Not knowing you or your SO at all, I can only assume that becoming a dad when it wasn't planned is probably stressing him out some so he's acting out. You also mentioned that he got a job, so if he's been out of work, I'm sure that's been on his mind also. So, he's dealing with it by acting like a teenager and drowning his worries in booze. You can only decide what YOU'RE going to do about that. 

    BUT- you're part of a pair. You have a voice. Isn't it your house too?! Tell your friends to F*CK OFF and respect your need to maintain your health and sanity during your pregnancy (and afterwards).  

    You are only in control of your decisions. Make the best ones you can given the opportunities available to you. It's up to him to decide if/when he wants to grow up and be part of this new chapter in your life. T&P for you and your baby!  

     

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  • I agree with all the PP.  You have posted previously and got many of the same answers. We as internet strangers can't help you - you really need to go take the first steps yourself. 

    I may be a big ol B sometimes… but...
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  • I have dealt with a lot of drunk people, mainly men around children in the past 10 years. My little brother's father was a big drinker, the he narrowed it to only weekends when my mother was pregnant. But like your experience, he was an A$$ sometimes when he drank on the weekends. She had a sit down with him, he ended up limiting the drinking to one night a weekend. But my mom only took it for a year until we moved. He still got seriously wasted and everyone else did too. Wasn't a good environment.

    My first child was completly unplanned, with a guy that I did not think I would be with. He was 31, I was 18. When we first got together, he was an alcoholic, and he admits to this. His A$$ness only came out when other people were around me, not towards me, but the people that talked to me. Got on my nerves. After the first few weeks, he limited the drinking to only the weekend, and drank less and less over the next 2 months. Then I found out we were expecting. We still went out on the weekends, just because I loved to go dancing. But it was not an every weekend thing. He only drank when we went out. When I was about 8 months along, I stopped going out. Just got to big. LOL. So his drinking just stopped. Not completly, but without the partying going on, he did not have anyone to drink with unless he went somewhere. I myself was impressed by the lack of alcohol he was consuming, compared to when we got together. After our first was here, he had one time where he went to party with some friends, and came home that night. He had to experience a hangover when our boy got sick. And I was not going to do it all alone, so I kept making him get up to help me. I think that really hit him. He only drank a handful of times in 2011, and Christmas eve 2011 he decided he was completly done drinking. He has not had a drop since then. He actually had to cut off ties with his mother because she is still a big drinker, and we asked her to come over for Thanksgiving dinner 2012, but there would be no drinking. She waited until last minute to drop out, because she wanted to drink with dinner.

    You do not have to give up on your SO right now, but you do need to sit him down and tell him about the way he has been behaving towards you when he drinks, how you will not tolerate being treated like that anymore, and how LO also deserves better. If he can not find the want to change himself, than he probably never will. Good Luck

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  • I agree with a lot of what people are saying here.  This does not sound like the type of environment into which you should bring your child.  But that's something you're going to have to come to on your own.  Just one thing that hasn't been specifically mentioned -- you are over 36 weeks long.  In reality, you could go into labor at any time.  Is he going to be too drunk to drive you to the hospital?  To talk to the doctors and nurses?  To be there for you and support you while you're in labor?  Maybe point this out to him -- that you need him to be there for you, physically and mentally, ESPECIALLY on the day that this baby comes, and that he just can't do that when he's 10 drinks in.  He needs to grow up and be a man before he can be any kind of dad. 
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  • Oh honey. I married the same guy once upon a time, in another life. I lost his babies, a couple of them separately, long ago, and I've often wondered where I'd be if one had survived. 

    One thing I can promise: the fact that your guy *should* change will have zero effect on him. If he's not doing what you want, it is NOT because you haven't tried hard enough to tell him, or because you just haven't gotten through to him. It's because he has no intention of doing so - or maybe he's not able to do so. Either way, you are on your own. This is as good as it gets with him, right or wrong. This is his courtship behavior.

    You could put your hand on the stove and ask it to cool down. You would be absolutely correct that the pain would stop as soon as that stove saw reason. But stoves and men who drink do not listen. They keep burning you. And so will he. True, you're not the one "causing" the problem, but you are the one putting your hand in it over and over. I don't mean it's your fault; I mean it's within your control.

    I do hope that I'm wrong about your situation, but I have been somewhere very similar, and for me, it ended explosively. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I wish someone had begged me to leave sooner. I wouldn't have listened, and you won't either, and that's okay. But maybe you'll remember that you're not alone, that you were never alone, and that you do have one amazing option, even if you choose not to exercise it. Let me just plant this seed in your ear, and when the time comes, maybe you'll remember.

    I wish I could adequately explain how much better my life is now than three years ago. I never thought I could do it but I did, and you could too, if you wanted. It is awful and terrifying and so worth it to start taking care of yourself for a change.

    Best of luck to you. You're in my prayers. 

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  • image moosegal:
    I don't mean this to sound snarky, but I would be more than a little concerned about someone who loses his temper after having a few drinks. Especially someone losing their temper around a pregnant woman. Is there a counselor you can talk to about how to get him to recognize that he may have a drinking problem and seek out help? If he's not willing to seek help, you may want to reconsider the relationship, as it doesn't sound like an ideal environment to be raising a child. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do you have any friends/family you can stay with to get out of that situation?

    This. He sounds like he has a problem drinking. He can't just blame his behavior on drinking. If he acts that way when he's under the influence than that's a wonderful reason to not be under the influence. Many people don't drink. I don't, my husband doesn't. It's not a necessity in life, and since it seems he has a problem, he probably shouldn't either.

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  • image Myzticsunshine:

    I mean I really wanna just pick up and leave when these things happen. But this pregnancy wasn't exactly planned, so I didn't really have a back up plan on where to turn in such a situation as this. Especially when it comes to supporting the baby when he's here. I don't even know where Id put that huge crib or how I would get it out of the room. So I feel extremely stuck at this point. And I'm just going to put it out there since the suggestions been made more than once, theres just no way adoptions an option for me. I cant do it.

    And I know it's naiive, but it doesn't make it easy when I just want so badly to be a family... I know he'd be a great dad, It's just my gut instinct. Especially during the week when he's sober and reasonable. But he's just so not as ready as me to drop his no strings attached life for a child.I'm even pretty sure that I'll end up alone in this. I also know he'll be there for the LO, but I'm just so angry and hurt that he wont make the effort to really be there for and understand me to.

     

    Without making the move yet, research all the things you'll need to do to leave so you have options. Friends/family/government assistance/etc. Believe me, I know the excuses and reasons why you stay. When I finally left it was so freeing, and frankly I wish I'd done it earlier rather than later.

    And just because you accept government assistance doesn't mean you'll be on it forever. I went to school with two little ones as a single mom and was off government assistance and working as an RN when my son was 4 and my daughter was 1, but the government assistance was vital in me getting there.

    Just put things in place so you have options, it doesn't mean you are leaving now, but you can if you need.

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