March 2013 Moms

Feeling alone and lost. ( kind of vent and long)

I don?t post on here very much but now I?m to the point that I don?t know what to do and really need some incite. Sorry ahead of time, this is very long.

It all stated three months ago when I got a phone call letting me know my father (who left my mother and I when I was 13) had died. He had been gone about a week before anyone was able to get a hold of me. Seeing as he had never remarried and I was his only child everything from identifying the body to planning and paying for his service fell on me. It was really hard and my husband did stand by me for about a week, after which he didn?t want to hear about it anymore because he saw him as a man that left his family.

About a month and a half later my father in-law was admitted into the hospital because he had become diabetic and had been for at least 6 months. This came as a shock because he had had a stint and two bypass surgeries within the last year and nothing had shown on his blood work. His second night in the hospital he then suffered a stroke. He lost all movement on the left side of his body which still has not come back and now looks like he may lose his left foot. He also will never be able to work again and be wheel chair bound. He is only 53 years old.

While all this was going on I went without my husband to CA to spend Christmas with my grandparents who mean that world to me (my grandpa walked me down the aisle at our wedding.) On my way down my grandma called to inform me that Grandpa had been admitted into the hospital. As soon as I arrived I went straight to the hospital. To sum this part up quick, I spent the whole week in the hospital (including Christmas Eve and day) with him. He kept telling me how much he wanted to live and see his great grandson.  When it was time for me to go the doctor had told me he should be going home in a day or two. Less than a week later he was gone.

Now this last week I found out that my nephew, whom I love very much and have been a part of his life sense he was 1 (now 7), will be moving with his mother (my brother in-law?s ex) to Chicago and I will be lucking to see him once a year instead of every other weekend.

During all of this my husband has spent most of his time with his dad. I understand he is really worried about him but I could use some support. He hasn?t really talked to me about my father or grandpa, which is making me a little upset because he at least still has his dad. I will never get to try and fix things with mine and I will never see my wonderful grandpa again. To top it off it doesn?t seem like anyone in the family is excited about our baby anymore. It?s all just making me feel very depressed and don?t know what to do anymore.

If you know anything that might help please let me know.

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Re: Feeling alone and lost. ( kind of vent and long)

  • Sounds like my family a few months ago.  We were visiting dying grandmother #1  when grandmother #2 had a heart attack in  another state so we went to visit her before she died, but she never woke up from her coma to know we were there.  I  also lost  an Uncle to cancer  and a cousin that committed suicide so 2012 was a terrible year for the family.   

     Have you taken the opportunity to talk to your husband about your feelings?  He probably does not realize how deeply you are hurting inside and want to talk  about your loss. 

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  • I am so sorry to hear about all of your losses. 2012 was kind of a crappy year for my family as well and 2013 didn't get off to a great start either. We have a lot of our own family drama currently going on and DH won't talk about it even though I know it is very upsetting for him. It puts everyone involved in a crappy position and pregnancy hormones definitely do not help. I agree with PP and take the time to sit down and talk to your husband about your feelings. Maybe he is feeling something similar and just doesn't know how to express it.
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  • I totally get what your saying when you say you feel like no one is excited about the baby.

    In August my grandmother who I was close to was diagnosed with colon cancer (stage 4) and chose to leave new york where my entire family is and go receive her chemo treatment down in Florida. Long story short she ended up passing away in October and I never got to make it down there to see her. The say she passed away my mom found out she had uterine cancer and needed a full hysterectomy. Which she had in December and was very successful thank God. 

    In November my DH Uncle committed suicide 2 day after Thanksgiving and it hit the family really hard. 

    I know people are happy about the baby and things are finally starting to settle down but it felt like up until a week ago I was not focusing on the baby and neither was anyone else.

    I would talk to your DH and just tell him you need him to listen. Sometimes husbands don't think the same way we do.

  • I'm very sorry for your losses and all that you're going through. My first step would be to really try to talk to your husband. Sit him down and let him know how much you're truly hurting and need his support, as I'm sure he needs yours as well. A marriage is a joint effort, and you need to be able to rely on him for strength and support. If that doesn't work, I would highly consider talking to a psychologist if you're able. It would just be good for you to get out all of your feelings and learn how to deal with it. It's something that you need to get figured out before your LO gets here. It will transform into PPD, and I know first hand just how miserable that is.

    Also know that you can vent here anytime. I'm sure all of us will give you the best advice we can. Good luck to you and keep your head up for that beautiful little baby you're growing inside of you.
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  • I agree with all of the PPs who said you need to talk to your husband, both about what he is going through over his dad and how you feel about your losses.  Even if you didn't have a traditional relationship with your dad, it doesn't mean that you don't need to go through the grief process with him, and your husband needs to understand that.  If nothing else, it sounds like you are grieving that you didn't have the type of relationship with your dad that you would have liked to have had.  Plus, you are going through a lot of other things that would be overwhelming for anyone to deal with, and especially when (if you're like me) you may be more emotional than usual.  My father was diagnosed with cancer and other health problems he already had spiraled out of control just months before my wedding, so I understand how things like this can make the family less excited about (and focused on) what should otherwise be an important milestone in your life. 

    My DH is generally a very supportive and caring guy, but I resented the way he handled some things after my father's death about a year and a half ago.  The loss just wasn't the same for him, and I don't think he really understood that I wasn't "over it" within a couple of weeks.  He never said that, but there was a point where he just seemed to assume that I would want to return to our active social life and travel and didn't really seem clued in to how sad I was still feeling about my dad.  Because we've always been the type that, if one of us doesn't feel like doing something, that doesn't mean the other shouldn't go, I felt like he kind of put me in the position of choosing between being by myself at home or tagging along for things I just wasn't interested in doing.  It all felt very insensitive to me at the time, and eventually I kind of focused anger on him instead of on grieving my dad.  The thing is, though, I never told DH how I felt about any of this until several months later, at which time he felt horrible and was totally apologetic.  So, you just never know what someone else is thinking until you talk to them about it. 

    It may be a good idea to see a grief counselor to talk about all you have been through in the past few months, even after you talk to your husband.  When my dad was really ill, sometimes it was hard for me to cope with hearing about other people experiencing losses or just their problems in general.  It's not that I didn't care, it was literally more than I could handle to hear about or pick up the phone and let them know I was thinking about them.  So, even though your husband is experiencing a different type of loss, in terms of his father's life just having changed in a totally unexpected way, he might benefit from talking to a counselor too. 

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  • I am really sorry for your losses, it sounds like it has been a tough road.  Please remember that everyone grieves differntly and just because your FIL isn't gone, I bet dh is still struggling with all that has happened.  I agree that you should talk to eachother about your feelings.  I also bet that everyone else is excited for your lo and this might help everyone get out of their sadness.  I bet you will see your grandfather in your little boy and he will be there watching the whole thing. 

    Keep your head up, it will get better!

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  • Thank you everyone for all the advice. I plan on having a heart to heart with him this weekend.

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