February 2013 Moms

STMs... prep for LOs just in case "the worst" happens?

Warning: Scary subject that I have been avoiding...

Are you doing anything to prep just in case you don't make it? We all know that things can go wrong, even though it is less common now. I'm struggling with it, someone I knew pretty well recently passed away soon after having a baby, and with my medical history it has been on my mind a ton. Especially this last week.

I'm trying to figure out if there is anything I can do to help them, just in case. I just sat down and recorded me reading my boys' favorite book for them, and I am considering making a video for each of them. I hate even bringing it up, and I know I'm probably worried for nothing. Is there anything else you could think of that I should do for them, just in case? It would also be something that I put into our safe/computer back up, just in case anything ever happens to me.

Thanks, and sorry to be a downer...

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Re: STMs... prep for LOs just in case "the worst" happens?

  • You know, you don't have to be pregnant to think about this. It could happen at any time. Do you have life insurance? Savings? A living will? All these will help in the event you don't come home any day.
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  • image jhutt321:
    You know, you don't have to be pregnant to think about this. It could happen at any time. Do you have life insurance? Savings? A living will? All these will help in the event you don't come home any day.

    yes to all of that. I actually have thought about it numerous times, and I've done what seemed prudent at the time, but with pending surgery, it is even more on my mind. I've come very close to dying several times (between severe car accidents, horse training accidents and health problems), so I know the possibilities are there.  DH just thinks it is a weird thing to worry about and doesnt want to talk about it (mostly he is scared, and is avoiding it, he told me this last time). I, on the other hand, watched 3 young children (5,3,brand new) loose their mother to an aneurism when I was 16, and it has always affected how I see life. They had nothing but pictures of her, and I always thought that was sad.  So with our friend's recent passing I'm a little more sensitive to it.

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  • I've never prepped for that.  We are a family of deep faith and talk a lot about death, God and heaven, so I'm pretty confident that my kids would know what's going on if something did happen and that DH will do whatever he can to get them through it and to teach them all about me.  I keep a private blog for my kids that they will always have to learn more about me or whatever.

    I don't even give a voice to those fears, to tell you the truth.  

    DS1 - 8/07  DS2 - 1/09  DD1 - 3/11  DD2 - 2/13
  • While DH and I were were talking one night, I totally broke down into ugly crying talking about how scared I was that something would happen to me and DD would have to grow up never knowing her mom (or remembering me, at least, which amounts to the same thing). Not necessarily for my sake, although thinking about everything I'd miss is also sending tears to my eyes right now, but more for hers. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to grow up without a mom, especially without really even any memories of her.

    I've thought about writing letters to DD (and any future children) to be opened on specific birthdays / at life events in case something happens to me, but I've never actually gotten around to doing it.

    DH also had friends with four kids between the ages of 10 and 2 and the mom died within a week of developing some really rare disease having to do with the body suddenly not being able to process proteins. It had nothing to do with childbirth, but like you say, this is one of the riskier situations we will knowingly enter into in our lives so yes, I have thought about it.  


    BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
    BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
    BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence

  • We are doing the Will and life insurance. To be honest it was hard to get DH to get on board with that. I'm anxious by nature but hubby doesn't like to think about these things, so it was a tough discussion.

    I have to say I asked a bunch of friends with kids if any of them had these things in place, more for advice I guess. Surprisingly only 1 did. I was floored!
    ~ Me, 30 DH, 32 ~ TTC since Oct 2009 septum resection 3/2010 stage IV endo 8/2011 IVF #1 1/25/12, 2 transferred, 2 frozen - BFN FET 2/22/12, 2 transferred - BFN IVF#2 5/12, transferred 3, froze 5, BFP! Beta 1: 151, Beta 2: 282 Cerclage placed @ 17 weeks due to shortening cervix, modified bed rest until delivery SAIF/PAIF always welcome image It's a girl! ~ Clare was born 1/31/13
  • I should add that I do have a will in place, just that I haven't done anything to prepare my LOs for that possibility.  And the will is really only important if DH and I both die at the same time.  DH automatically gets everything that is mine (which isn't much since everything is pretty much ours anyways).  He knows when to pull the plug too ;)
    DS1 - 8/07  DS2 - 1/09  DD1 - 3/11  DD2 - 2/13
  • well, seems like I am to fixed on it... guess I just needed a wake up call. Again, sorry to be such a downer. Most of my anxiety got triggered by the terrible doctor I saw on Monday who tried to scare me out of a VBAC attempt, I hadnt been thinking about it much before that.

    If deleting wasnt such a frowned upon bump action, I probably would because I hate being the downer.

    Time for puppies and rainbows thoughts!

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  • image adamwife:
    I don't even give a voice to those fears, to tell you the truth. nbsp;


    Me, neither. I can't. I don't have anyone who could godparent, and my bio family is bad news, thus, don't even know about this baby. I do have life insurance, but that's about all I can do.
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  • My dad was special ops in the Army and before every mission he would sit down and do a video for a few minutes.  My brother was 11, I was 8, and my half brother was a couple of mos old.  He mainly did the video for my half brother so he could see him while he was gone.  Well, my dad was KIA in Desert storm when I was 8.5.  My brother and I were only able to get 1 of the videos from our step-mom but we cherish that 15 min video of our dad.  My brother darn near ruined it watching it too much (VHS) so we're working on getting copies of it made onto DVD so it can be viewed again.  I'm looking forward to showing my sons and my husband this video so they can see him.  I have a hand full of pictures of him.  I would recommend videos, pictures, recordings of your voice (not just on the recordable books because those break easily), write them letters.  22 yrs later and I still cry wishing I had that stuff of him.
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    Married 9/26/09 BFP #1 12/09 Blighted Ovum 12/23/09 D&C 1/10 BFP#2 5/1/10 DS born 12/18/10 38wks 10 lbs 1 oz BFP #3 6/25/12 EDD 3/5/13 RCS DS2 born 2-22-13 38wks 8 lbs 4 oz

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  • I felt this way when me and DH left DS to go on a weekend trip together. I don't have a formal will yet, but I typed up a sheet of paper that lists all of our assets, liabilities and insurance information as well as our wishes for DS. It's folded up and hanging on the side of our fridge so our family knows where to get it. 
  • image onlymeggan:
    My dad was special ops in the Army and before every mission he would sit down and do a video for a few minutes.  My brother was 11, I was 8, and my half brother was a couple of mos old.  He mainly did the video for my half brother so he could see him while he was gone.  Well, my dad was KIA in Desert storm when I was 8.5.  My brother and I were only able to get 1 of the videos from our step-mom but we cherish that 15 min video of our dad.  My brother darn near ruined it watching it too much (VHS) so we're working on getting copies of it made onto DVD so it can be viewed again.  I'm looking forward to showing my sons and my husband this video so they can see him.  I have a hand full of pictures of him.  I would recommend videos, pictures, recordings of your voice (not just on the recordable books because those break easily), write them letters.  22 yrs later and I still cry wishing I had that stuff of him.

    See, DH is military, and he does that for our boys.  I know that if anything happens to him they will treasure those videos, we've kept all of them. I was just reminded that something could happen to me just as easily and have been fretting over it.

    maybe I should sit down and make a video for each of them and be done with it, I know it would make me feel loads better.

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  • image KetchumCutie:

    well, seems like I am to fixed on it... guess I just needed a wake up call. Again, sorry to be such a downer. Most of my anxiety got triggered by the terrible doctor I saw on Monday who tried to scare me out of a VBAC attempt, I hadnt been thinking about it much before that.

    If deleting wasnt such a frowned upon bump action, I probably would because I hate being the downer.

    Time for puppies and rainbows thoughts!

    No reason to delete this post. As others of us have expressed, you're not alone in having these thoughts. 

    FWIW, one of the reasons I'm having a VBAC is that the risk for maternal death is lower than a RCS. 50% lower, as a matter of fact, according to the most recent data I saw. Not that it's high for either (I think 8 in 100,000 for RCS and 4 in 100,000 for VBAC, but don't quote me on that), but still. So shame on your OB for trying to scare you with false data if he was claiming that a RCS is safer!


    BFP1: DD1 born April 2011 at 34w1d via unplanned c/s due to HELLP, DVT 1 week PP
    BFP2: 3/18/12, blighted ovum, natural m/c @ 7w4d
    BFP3: DD2 born Feb 2013 at 38w4d via unplanned RCS due to uterine dehiscence

  • I figure I probably have more of a chance dying driving around then having a baby. We have a life insurance policy, but I don't talk about mom dying. I have baby books with notes to all of them so I guess if I die they will have a note letting them know how much they mean to me. I don't want to freak them out though so I don't talk about it. We go to church, they know people pass on and about heaven, that is about the extent of death talk in our house. If your situation is scarier (i.e. your surgery and such) and writing a note just incase will make you feel better then I say go for it. I wouldn't really talk to them about it though, just be the sweet loving mother you alway are. For me personally I am a plug ears lalalala type when it comes to death. It is so sad to think of my little ones wondering where I am. So I just live in the moment, I could die young, I could die old, I have no idea so I just don't think about. No worries about being morbid, we all go there, it is normal. Don't let yourself go there too much write your letters, then assume that they will never be opened.
    image
    Mom to 4 cute kids! 9 yo girl 7 yo boy 5 yo boy and new baby boy!image
  • DH finally expressed the other day that he's worried about something happening to me (he always worries about it, but now even more). I've got life insurance in place (both private and through work) and a 401K that he's the beneficiary on, but I don't have a will (we both really need one). I'm the one that generally handles the finances, so the other day I sat down and made a document that has all the login information for all accounts, as well as contact info for the companies involved and some dates for when certain non-billed monthly payments (like HOA dues) are due. 

    I've never thought of leaving something behind for DS and soon-to-be DD. I was more worried about making sure they were all financially secure since I'm the main breadwinner in the family.  

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  • I hadn't thought of that.  But NOW I AM!  Thanks a LOT! :-p

    seriously, though, it is a good thing to prepare for.  We owe it to our children to have a plan in place for them in the event of our untimely death.   

    Missed m/c discovered 3/15/12 at 8w2d: "Henry."

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  • It's weird but I have had this discussion with DH.  We already have wills and trusts in place and we have life insurance to "fund" the trusts.  We actually were more concerned about something happening to both of us and wanting guardianship and DD's trust in place, but now that it's in place - it is a good thing "just in case."
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  • I filled out a DNR the other day to give my DH and put in my hospital bag. I guess we should write up a short will too soon, I get one done professionally through my teacher union dues, but we arecwaitkng until after baby to have it done. I should record something for DS just in case, I hadn't thought of that!
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  • This made me cry but only because I thought how I hadn't even thought of this and how much better it would be if they had a video or something from me they could watch or read and know how much I loved them.  Thanks for the reminder! Smile
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  • We don't have anything in terms of videos or letters, but for logistics, I would recommend reading up about Dave Ramsey's Legacy Folder.  DH and I started that before TTC, and it has a spot for financial info, passwords, accounts, wishes for a funeral, etc.  I believe there is also a section for a letter to family, but we haven't gotten that far.  We also set up a will this summer and figured out who would take care of this LO, should anything happen to us.  Definitely scary, but I guess it would be scarier for me if there was nothing for anyone to refer to if something should happen.   

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